In terms of what you’d want to see at your local cinema, most of the movies coming in 2010 rank just below “dropping your Oscar Meyer hot Dog on the floor”.
Well, worry not faithful cineaste, for now we come to some slabs of celluloid you might actually want to see…and discover the law of diminishing returns is still very much in effect.
Wipe the popcorn from your beard and join us then, as we realise we’ve got piss-all to look forward to this summer, in part three of our amazingly awful 2010 movie round-up!!
After spending New Years Day cleaning what, for argument’s sake, we’ll assume was mud mixed with chewing gum off the office floor, we finally had time to carry on checking out all the new movies crawling out of the toilet to infect your eyeballs like refugees from an early Cronenberg movie in the new year. Yep, it’s part two of our craptabulous round up of the biggest, worstest flicks of 2010!
Somewhere out there in movie fan land, there’s a hardcore group that dare not speak their name. I’m talking of course, about the Dracula: Dead and Loving It aficionados. Every night they sit in their care home, drooling and guffawing as Leslie Nielson falls face first down a staircase, a strange cloud of melancholy clouding the mood as they realise that, try as the Wayans Brothers may, there will never again be a vampire film that shit.
The first Twilight movie was a vaguely faithful adaptation of Ms.Meyer’s work, with overly florid prose translating as an overly long movie that just scraped past our twee sensors into the ’sort of ok’ category thanks to director Catherine Hardwicke nailing an atmosphere of repressed teenage sexuality that lent just the right amount of tension to proceedings. Unfortunately Golden Compass helmer Chris Weitz takes no such risks, slavishly following the purple passages to produce an uneven film that would benefit from healthy dash of irony.
Generally, we watch any old crap round here – in the interest of being a representative, even-handed site obviously – from Marley & Me to Apocalypse Now,it’s all fair grist to the review grinder-yep,we even sat through Troll 2 once.
But just occasionally there are some movie crimes so cynical and heinous in their deployment that we’re robbed of even the enjoyment bought by bright shapes moving around a large screen.
Twilight: New Moon is one of them…
