(Note from the editor: I know I know, this came out like, aaaaages ago man. I expect the kidz have moved on to…well, let’s face it, they haven’t moved on at all have they? It’s been a perpetual round of Zombie/Vampire/Werewolf/Ninja interspersed with sporadic Chuck Norris sightings since 1996, which in my opinion proves that most people are a bunch of fucking dicktards who graze nonchalently on mass distributed culture without the wit or forethought to try discovering something new on their own. Fuck you. Ahem…anyway I wasn’t about to sit through a third helping of this toss, but luckily STS aren’t without resources, and have managed to recruit an actual real-live lady with hair and a nice voice and everything to go check this out – and apparently it was much better this time around! Huzzah! The excellent Jazz James investigates…)

Behold every neurotic 14 year-old girl’s dream: The latest installment of the Twilight Saga: Eclipse. Teenage angst is rife, Bella gets the horn and her battle between bestiality and necrophilia rages on. However, wishing to avenge her mate’s death, (proper) vampire Victoria begins to create an army of “newborn” vampires to challenge the Cullens and exterminate her.

I’m not going to lie; as a fully-certified member of the fairer sex, I may or may not have secretly enjoyed the – perhaps one-too-many – gratuitous shots of naked torsos that would flash on to the screen approximately every 1.54 seconds.

It’s enough to give any image-conscious man a bit of a complex.

Please don’t give up on this review already, I promise to keep shameless fangirling to a minimum and there will be no further sycophantic rambling about R-Patz’s sparkly body. Speaking of sparkles, it appeared that Slde had managed to restrain himself enough to keep them to a minimum There were times when Slade even allowed Eclipse to broach the dark horizons of traditional Gothic genre. Eclipse didn’t come without the odd toe-curlingly cringey scene, but thankfully avoids the melodramatic narrative of the first two installments and Slade attempts to branch out past its original fans to appeal to a wider audience.

Overall, Stewart, Pattinson and Launtner appear to have grown as actors and their roles seem much more established. Stewart manages to blink at the pace of a normal human being and Pattinson manages not to look in pain through the entirety of the film. Through the multi-species love triangle that dominates a large part of the film’s running time, Slade surprisingly manages to inject a lot of humour. I can’t help but think that this would have been a different story if it were Hardwicke.

My main criticism, would most definitely be of the portrayal of the newborn vampires. Although Samuel seems perfect for the role of vampire, with his chiseled features, the rest of the army is much less convincing. Instead of adopting the spectral-like movements of the Cullens, they were comparable to rabid tramps upon discovering a fresh McDonalds. They emanated no sense of real threat and it was glaringly obvious that Bella’s Eddy-Weddy and his coven would be there to save the day.

Eclipse will certainly keep manic fans squirming with pleasure; but fear not, husbands, boyfriends and potential boyfriends. There is lots more fast-paced action to keep you from falling asleep and the film even pokes fun at all of the semi-nakedness. However, I fear the Twilight franchise will never be dark or transgressive enough for vampire and Gothic purists.

The arrival of a new Harry Potter movie is always cause celebre round at STS towers, partly because we are entirely staffed by illegally imported child labourers, and partly because I quite closely resemble Voldemort.

Anyway -the new Deathly Hallows trailer hit the web today, and it seems that Harry is still more than capable of seeing off the hordes of Twihards despite his advancing years.

Continuing the series’ now trademark descent into ever darker territory, the trailer hints that many of the books more whimsical elements will still find their way onto the screen, while the outstanding effects work promises a truly awesome final showdown with he who shall not be named.

Proof, if ever it were needed, that reading Twilight: New Moon and watching the subsequent movie adaptation is EXTREMELY BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.

Proof also that, if you want to kill a youth movement, all you have to do is have a local news team affectionately cover it.

There were never any wolf packs for me to join at school. No wonder I turned out so neurotic and idiotic. Video below

Whuh? Why the hell’s a movie site talkin’ about them thar readin’ books? Next they’ll be askin’ us to be a-learnin’ on our own time, an that thars aginst God’s own will boy.

Generally speaking, we’d much rather watch the movie than read it’s literary counterpart, I mean, since when did books have flashing colours, Robocop and the possibility of a Jenny Agutter shower scene? And let’s not forget, movies are done in 2 hours straight, while a book can take aaaaages to plough through, particularly if it’s the latest chapter in the Twilight series and you keep hurling it out of the window halfway through.

While all the above reasons are 100% true by us, there are a few paperbacks out there that haven’t yet received the Peter Jackson overhaul (not a euphamism), so the staff at STS decided to head to the local library and steal a few weighty tomes. Here’s what we came back with – it’s our: Top 5 Books That Should Be Movies!

1: Learn Swedish in Three Months.

put the chicken in the basket

You ever try to make a movie? Yeah, well let me tell you cadet, it takes years! It’s like goin’ to war -something the Swedish are notoriously reluctant to do. Seriously, when was the last time you heard that Stockholm’s finest had become embroiled in a land war in central Asia? Never, because the Swedes are by and large a bunch of placid (if sarcastic) herring lovers who’d rather pump out top-notch murder mysteries and erotic content than fire a cruise missile at Afghanistan. Let me tell you, you can’t make a movie in three months, but this one should be. Not only will it teach you how to climb glaciers and remain relentlessly optimistic even when the sun doesn’t rise for half the year, but it’ll also provide you with useful phrases. From the specific: “ Var är poolen?”, to the romantic: “Sätt choklad på Moose” and of course the all-purpose: “Det skulle vara en ekumenisk fråga “. With Kenneth Branagh in the Directors chair and Peter Skarsgaard in the lead, it’s the multi-lingual love-in with a cold hard edge (and mobile phone-based sub-plot) we’ve all been waiting for!

2: Modern Painters: John Ruskin

He is like piece of iron!

While the 19th Century original took Ruskin some seventeen years to pump out, there’s no reason why this can’t be turned into a 90 minute Dolph Lundgren straight to DVD actioner straight away. Consider the parallels: Ruskin’s book is an elegant criticism beginning as a defence of J.M.W.Turner, transforming into a meditation on the relationship art plays between God and man, while Dolph genrally plays characters with names like Jake Burner, and portrays the role of Grenades in sending men to meet God. Practically writes itself. Recently re-written for a modern audience by David Barrie – also known as First Secretary for the British diplomatic service, meaning it’s a piece of piss to shoe-horn in a Bourne-style MI6 rogue agent angle!

3:Photoshop CS4 in Simple Steps

no worries, we'll fix it in post...

Simplicity -like an educationally challenged man – crossed with cutting edge graphics. Lawnmower Man may have done it 20 years ago, but hey – that was shit. This is photoshop, which means this’ll be one movie that’s industry standard, chock-full of vector graphics, and is prone to freezing up for several hours at a moment’s notice! Of course, you could use the shortcuts to get to the end of the hopelessly contrived plot (Boy must impress girl with his artistic prowess, but becomes increasingly addicted to pimping out his Facebook profile instead) more quickly, but you’ll never bother to learn them will you? Available for home release in a variety of obscure formats that aren’t compatible with any known player!

4: The Necronomicon

Clive quickly realised the perils of ordering spaghetti on a first date

Hey, it’s already made several guest appearences in Evil Dead movies, not to mention a bunch of dodgy H.P.Lovecraft flicks, so isn’t it time this particular bound-in-human-skin piece of pure eeeeevil got to headline? According to Lovecraft, just reading an old copy would conjure phantasms more ghastly than the human mind could handle -just imagine a script like that in Uwe Boll’s hands! Normally when you emrege from the cinema the worst you have to contend with is the realisation that you’re covered in popcorn kernels -with the Necronomicon you’d be faced with an entire universe possesed by the many-angled ones! (To be honest, this may not be all that different to a regular Cineworld lobby)

5: Twilight: Eclipse. (CAUTION:SARCASM AHEAD)

Edward felt his heart stir beneath her boss-eyed gaze...

Unfortunately there’s no plot, character development or anything even remotely good about Eclipse, but that didn’t stop anyone making Wild Wild West, so why shouldn’t this be a movie too? To be fair, we doubt it’ll ever be made, it’s pretty tough getting a script through the Hollywood grinder at the best of times -even Indiana Jones 4 took years, and look how that turned out -so it’s hardly likely a fanatically religious, warped tale of peadophillic vampires and homosexual werewolves lovin’ up very boring, one dimensional underage girls (with added mopeds) will ever be seen on our screens, which is a real shame, because if there’s one thing missing this summer, it’s an overlong, piss-poorly acted bore-a-thon starring a clumsy oaf who resembles a transvestite crack whore and the world’s most forgettable leading actress -but hey, stranger things have happened!

Ho-de-ho-ho, if it isn’t being Saint Patrick’s day ya bloody bollocks, and as a special service to our ‘Of-Irish-Descent’ readers, its time for a patronising article that has bugger all to do with Ireland (and in no way increase our readership by being blatantly confrontational and obnoxious obviously).

Time to pick up a green plastic bowler hat (just like they had in the old country that neither you nor anyone you know has ever been to), fill it with dyed green cheap whiskey (because that’s what a true Irishman would obviously do) and check out the best, definitely, positively, Of-Irish-Descent oh-yes-sir-honestly actors!

Ya feckin’ eejit.

Christian Bale

There’s nothing more Of-Irish-Descent than Batman is there? He’s a cop, working in a New York/Chicago analogue and helping out a flatfoot named Gordon. It’s to Bale’s credit that despite a penchant for growling like a bulldog a lot recently, he never once let’s the comedy accent slip. Well, Hollywood is certainly a step up from Bournemouth- top work Bale, you Of-Irish-Descent Psycho you!

Of-Irish-Descent analogue: Sam Worthington

Grunt. Roar. I am a machiiiiiinnnneeee!!!It isn’t often you see someone out-acted by their own leg muscles, But Worthington pulls it of with aplomb. We’d tell him, but he’s not allowed out of his cage between scenes. Also happens to be English, but we’ll ignore that for now…

Mel Gibson

In Lethal Weapon, Gibbo cemented his status as Hollywood’s go-to Of-Irish-descent action man, chain smoking his way through a million glorious mullet-waving action scenes, even going so far as to become violently and visibly anti-Semitic in later life- top o’ the mornin’ to ya Mel!

Of-Irish-Descent version: Bruce Willis

Wow, some one who may actually, just about, have a relative who once lived near Kilkenny! And even though McClain is actually a Scottish name rather than an Irish one, who cares, it’s all the same country outside Poughkeepsie ain’t it? Da noive a’ some peoples!

Robert Pattinson

Ah, those dark eyes, that swoon-inducing giant beehive-quiff of doom, he could only be an of-Irish-Descent rogue.Or the product of a warped imagination that had been reading too many back issues of Preacher when vampire casting week came around. Whatever, the thing they call R-Patz will be clogging up your screens in Remember Me this week, so why not heas down with a bag of green popcorn and enjoy his unique brand o’ bollicks.

Of-Irish-Descent Analogue – Taylor Lautner

He’s got the smouldering good looks down for sure. What a shame they’re buried in the tiny plastic face of a Ken doll, and married to the kind of acting skills last seen on MTV’s The Hills- A bright, Oscar-filled future awaits!

Hugh Jackman

Fist seen playing Curly in Oklahoma, it doesn’t get much more Of-Irish-Descent than a real live cowboy does it?? Jackman then hammered home his all-Of-Irish-Descent status by appearing as..erm..the Canadian Wolverine! And Leopold, Duke of Westminster! Erm…to be fair, we haven’t really thought this one through properly have we…

Of-Irish-Descent analogue: Eric Bana

Yep, this one is absolutely Of-Irish-Descent! 100% positive. Except in ‘Chopper’ obviously. And ‘The Beast’. Shite, we’re going to have to go with Treat Williams instead aren’t we?

Gary Oldman

One of the lesser species of Of-Irish-Descent thespians, Gary covers up his blatantly cockney drawl with squawking southern warblings at every available opportunity, only reverting to type as Syrius Black, but hey, that can be explained away by magic right? As Of-Irish_descent as a dyed green apple pie.

Of-Irish-Descent analogue: James Woods

Almost as adept at whispering and looking vaguely inscrutable, Woods never quite manages the ‘explosive shouting and Scotch drinking’ combo required of the true Of-Irish-Descent acting experience. Although he did once manage to shag a TV set after doing the sex with an ex-Playboy bunny, which is pretty darned close!

Well, a pretty good turn out for the Of-Irish-Descent actors today, with a massive 1 of them them actually having some measure of Blarney floating near their family to be sure! To mis-quote Phil Lynott: Is there anyone in the audience with any Irish in them tonight?

No. No there isn’t.

Never mind Robert Pattinsons shit new film Remember Me, the only thing the Robsessed among you are really concerned about is this utter bollocks -yep, the Twilight: Eclipse full trailer is up, but this reaction video is far more entertaining…

You know when you put these things on Youtube they’re there forever right? You know that means in 10 years time when you’ve had that ‘Werewolf 4 life’ tattoo lasered off this will still be haunting you right? Just checkin’.

He's out in the sun. It makes even less sense than his haircut...

Tattoos! An ancient rite stretching back to the dawn of history, tattoos should represent something unique and personal that deserves permanent recognition.

Or if you’re an idiot…

Yes, there are people out there getting Twilight tattoos. Imagine having a picture of a teenage Taylor Lautner across your butt when your 87 years old. Future generations will mock you to the grave – a grave you won’t be returning from in vampire form…because you are an idiot and no one would want to spend eternity with you.

Anyway, there’s a huge gallery of these inky odes to low IQ’s here – enjoy!

What better way to avoid the UK Snow than a a trip to the local googleplex you might think. Unfortunately something hits you pretty quickly as you glance through the now playing listings –yep, pretty much every film out this January is designed to send a shiver – either of horror or of boredom – down your spine, and Vampire Actioner Daybreakers is a trite case in point.

Etahn Hawke –who has an academy award nom remember – should really know better once the blue filters come out, but on paper this sounds amazing. Willem DaFoe with a crossbow, Sam Neill as a villainous bloodsucker, and poor, flat-faced Ethan caught in the middle as a human-sympathising vampire in a world ruled by the nosferatu.

Sounds like it’s got it all doesn’t it? Matrix/Blade action and corporate commentary mixed up with 28 Days Later/I Am Legend vampire-virus action. Make no mistake, the movie tries desperately to build a cult following, and if I were a dorky 15 year old I’d be taking style tips all the way through.

Unfortunately I’m not, which means that I spend the whole time rolling my eyes as one blatant plot point after another is sent in by smoke signal, yet still fails to cover the overly CGI-reliant action scenes that we’ve seen a million times before.

Mr.Hawke plays Edward –it is now a contractual obligation that all vampires are called Edward – the son of mad CEO Charles Bromsley ( A wide-eyed Neill, dredging up memories of his superlative nutjobbery from In The Mouth Of Madness) a vamp who’s made his money farming the last few humans for their haemoglobin and flogging it to starving undead outside. Unfortunately it isn’t a permanent solution, and when Hawke’s investigations into synthetic blood yeild a cure for Vampiritis, it’s a perfect excuse for lots of running around, a collection of too-good-for-this actors bellowing sub-Tarantino dialogue in an effort to be cool, in between doing slow motion back flips.

If you can ignore the creaking style, there’s some fun to be had here –the fleeting glances at a population hiding out in light-proofed houses as part of a functioning Vampire society deserves way more time, but the whole thing is so carried away with making loud noises and begging for a series of never-ending, Underworld-esque sequels that it never really gets going, the resolution feeling like an afterthought rather than the promised final battle.

Overall this looks and feels like a TV show, with non regional-specific US accents and Australian cities. It might have a lot of bang, but definitely lacks bite.

After spending New Years Day cleaning what, for argument’s sake, we’ll assume was mud mixed with chewing gum off the office floor, we finally had time to carry on checking out all the new movies crawling out of the toilet to infect your eyeballs like refugees from an early Cronenberg movie in the new year. Yep, it’s part two of our craptabulous round up of the biggest, worstest flicks of 2010!

6: The A-Team

The group ‘convicted of a crime they didn’t commit’ have been updated from Vietnam to the far less interesting Iraq War, but otherwise everything from Hannibal’s cigar to Murdoch’s hat is present and correct – look at this picture, Liam Neeson looks aces doesn’t he? Unfortunately, like everything ever made in the 80s, the A-Team was a load of crap, so expect to see whatsisface from The Hangover driving a cabbage-firing tank at some terrorists intent on taking over a suspiciously attractive girl’s farm in Wyoming and tell me that you think it’ll be cool. You idiot.

7: Twilight: Eclipse

To be honest I only stuck this piece of shit in here so that extra teenage girls would check out the site. Unfortunately they’ll all be chaste Mormons so it won’t do me any good. Not satisfied with pumping out two steaming loaves of vampiarrhoea, the studio money-sharks couldn’t resist farting out yet more of Stephanie Meyer’s absolute crap into your eyeballs. Expect a weird, borderline paedophilia love triangle and strong anti-feminist messages. Also expect girls with IQ’s lower than their pet Chihuahuas to love it, and for it to be a big pile of pigtarded claptrap.

8:The Expendables

Sly and the boys hide their bus-passes and stagger about in the jungle blowing shit up. Fuck yeah!

9:The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Both preceding Narnia films were badly put together shambles that not many people bothered to see, and those that did bother – didn’t like. So, sounds like a good idea to make another one doesnt it? Siblings Lucy, Edmund, Rudolph, Prancer, Frankenstein and Dopey head back to the slightly boring mystical land to fanny about on a ship with big bad brooding Ben Barnes, Eddie Izzard is oh-so-hilarious as an annoying mouse that would make Willy Wonka vomit, and Fox happily flush their cash down the Dawn Treader’s bilges for no apparent reason. Heaven’s Gate!

10: The Three Stooges

Probably not one for the ladies, as the Farrely brothers give Benicio Del Toro a bowl cut and provide plenty of wish fulfillment by pushing Sean Penn down a flight of stairs and smacking Jim Carrey in the face with a plank. With hilarious consequences.

Well, we have hangovers to re-enforce, so we’ll take a short break, but join us again shortly for part three, where we might even slip in a couple of films worth seeing (don’t count on it though)!

With Santa set to shove his massive, pie-encrusted bulk down your central heating pipes at any moments, it’s time for the film world to turn it’s 8mm eye Oscar-wards, various illuminati gathering to heap praise on any worthy drama that hoves into view.

Usually the whole event is shrouded in secrecy, but this year producer Adam Shankman has been letting a little more away than the academy would like thanks to his love of Twitter. Shankman, who has a modest following of..ooh..48,000 on the site, usually keeps his tweets innocuous, telling us of dinner with co-hosts Steve Martin and Greatest Actor In The World ™ Alec Baldwin and other boring claptrap, but all hell broke loose when he recently asked his followers exactly what they’d want to see in among the flurry of back-slapping and sub-par Forrest Gump flicks.

Not surprisingly, the web went into overdrive, and while a bizarre rallying call for Neil Patrick Harris as host caught our eye, there’s no surprise that Twilight fans would happily sit through 4 hours of boring yakking to catch a glimpse of R-Patz and Kristin Stewart together on stage (just like New Moon then…). Other idiots in the frame were ‘the new Olivier Zac Efron’, and a variety of musical buffoons from ‘Glee’.

This disturbing lean towards musical theatre has left STS scratching it’s head and wondering who we’d cast for the 82nd awards – current frontrunner is Bishop’s severed head from Alien – but how about you guys? Do you think the entire cast of Wicked would do a better job than Billy Crystal, or would the whole thing be safest in Van Damme’s capable fists? We want your dream Oscar host/presenters/showtune combos and we want them now!

The first Twilight movie was a vaguely faithful adaptation of Ms.Meyer’s work, with overly florid prose translating as an overly long movie that just scraped past our twee sensors into the ’sort of ok’ category thanks to director Catherine Hardwicke nailing an atmosphere of repressed teenage sexuality that lent just the right amount of tension to proceedings. Unfortunately Golden Compass helmer Chris Weitz takes no such risks, slavishly following the purple passages to produce an uneven film that would benefit from healthy dash of irony.

The mopey, very teenage scenario is played to the hilt throughout, with new characters barely introduced and far too much time spent on wistful staring out of windows, resulting in a film that continually slows to a crawl. While it’s perhaps admirable that there are no concessions made to newcomers, it’s also unprofessional to assume that every viewer will be completely versed in this particular Vampire lore. Make no mistake, this is squarely targeted at girls of a certain age with rampant R-Patz lust at the forefront of their minds.

Plot wise, heartbreak is high on the agenda, as Edward’s family decide they’d rather scarf Bella down with ketchup than bond with her. To avoid a repeat performance, Edward leaves her,entrusting her care – as you do – to jailbait werewolf Jacob (a heroically brooding Taylor Lautner). We’re already into the realm of the preposterous McGuffin, and there’s precious little to help you take things seriously. Edward struts around, taking on some unfortunately bargain basement Werewolves as the misery heightens to operatic levels, only broken up by a variety of young men ripping their shirts off, occasionally in slow motion. Dialogue is portentous in the extreme, the supposedly dramatic pauses deployed regularly enough to induce a bizarre, Shatner-like cadence throughout.

Despite the frothing bile it induced in sections of the audience, it’s unprofessional to moan about the..erm…moaning. Overwrought suffering is as central to the mythos as a killer robot is the The Terminator. This is a film about the compelling totality of first love – judged from a distance it’s melodramatic and ridiculous, but for devotees it’s all-important. Judged on its own merits, New Moon contains exactly as much Pattison cod-heroics and oiled body flexing as the book and for fans that’s surely all that matters.

A very specifically targeted, bloody ridiculous mess that will either put you into paroxysms of angsty lust or have you rolling your eyes as our hero skips in slow motion through the enchanted forests of the Pacific Northwest (backed up by – it has to be said – a pitch-perfect indie soundtrack that’s really far too good for this sort of thing). It isn’t a great film, but it is a future guilty pleasure that efficiently sets up characters and events for next year’s ‘Eclipse’.

Generally, we watch any old crap round here – in the interest of being a representative, even-handed site obviously – from Marley & Me to Apocalypse Now,it’s all fair grist to the review grinder-yep,we even sat through Troll 2 once.

But just occasionally there are some movie crimes so cynical and heinous in their deployment that we’re robbed of even the enjoyment bought by bright shapes moving around a large screen.
Twilight: New Moon is one of them…

The Twilight Saga’s advance guard of posters and promos have been doing the rounds for a few weeks now, it’s gangsta/Calvin Klein ad Werewolves looking like the world’s worst boy band as they balefully bring to life everything awful about post-Rowling fiction in one sanitised, imaginatively stultified package

The reasons for the unerring – and to most people over 30,completely mystifying – popularity of the Virginity-embracing Goth-a-thon are manifold and as ancient as the vampire myth itself, but the main one?

Boredom.

To contextualise; it’s probably worth remembering at this point that tabloid fodder Cradle of Filth are from a small country village, the interminable ennui of small-town existence producing gratuitous, theatrical stabs at an inescapable conformity that have absolutely nothing to do with the isolationist work of their contemporaries

Twilight has risen from the endless malaise of the American Midwest. Despite the stunning scenery, for many growing up there it’s an endless vista of mini-malls and soccer meets, a land robbed of endless opportunity that retains a general snobbishness for any authentic ‘old-world’ culture (”What do you eat in Britain?” Is a standard enquiry I received while travelling), and while this is a gross oversimplification; in terms of romance, Utah is up there with Chernobyl.

It’s no wonder then that the Disneyfied, stripey-sock Goth peddled by Hot topic is grasped so ravenously by teenagers in a locale where dying your hair or missing church is a rebellious act, and although tweens the world over go through endless recycling of these tropes the constant marketing of them as a substitute for genuine invention is a troubling one. Potter and his ilk are the spawn of daytime TV and half-remembered nursery tales, rather than any familiarity with actual fantastical literature. It may be churlish to suggest, but I’d be sorely surprised if J.K’s library included anything by Lord Dunsany. Tapping into a culturally bereft society doesn’t gift a work with any greater kudos.

Likewise Twilight is born of a warped, half developed sexuality, a flirting with defiance in the face of the US religious machine, and the deeply unsatisfied and unrealised yearnings of its author. Vampires are the ultimate asexual – the bite representing a non-threatening penetration – that means they are non-threatening romantic partners, perfect grist for the mill of the unsettlingly carried out (if well-intentioned) Chastity movement the books encourage. While virginity and chastity are both admirable qualities, they are very personal ones that shouldn’t be enforced by mass-media or religion; to do so is a backwards step, rather than a liberating one. Here non-sensationalist information is the key, not mass hypnosis.

Most movies try to sell you a tie-in computer game and a McDonald’s happy meal. Twilight tries to sell you morality.

Twilight (And Buffy beforehand, although Weedon at least realised this and had fun with it) is in effect Mills and Boone without the edge. Here there’s no sex, and while there’s haemoglobin aplenty even death is robbed of it’s power.

Author Stephanie Meyer claims the novel is about ‘losing true love’, but has aimed it squarely at a population so cut off from genuine interaction the word becomes meaningless, a substitute for parental affection and an excuse to pretend at the rebellious. In one of the most telling scenes Bella’s ability to commune with Edward is enhanced when she pursues ‘The Dangerous’. In this case, riding a motorcycle – that ever present symbol of disaffection for American youth. Meyer has crafted a work where motorcycles and leather jackets stand-in for danger, where Italy represents the entire planet outside the Midwestern bowl, and where dreaming of wider horizons inevitably leads to terror and sadness-or at least a simulation of it.

New Moon offers an endless curse – one of morbid, flatulent commercialism infecting its victims with a warped feminine ideal where the answer to everything is a good man who doesn’t want to have sex. It has more in common with Mona the Vampire than Dracula – this is sex and death without the sex and death played out by blandly attractive mannequins whose only supernatural power is the height of their hair.

Excited yet?