(Note from the editor: I know I know, this came out like, aaaaages ago man. I expect the kidz have moved on to…well, let’s face it, they haven’t moved on at all have they? It’s been a perpetual round of Zombie/Vampire/Werewolf/Ninja interspersed with sporadic Chuck Norris sightings since 1996, which in my opinion proves that most people are a bunch of fucking dicktards who graze nonchalently on mass distributed culture without the wit or forethought to try discovering something new on their own. Fuck you. Ahem…anyway I wasn’t about to sit through a third helping of this toss, but luckily STS aren’t without resources, and have managed to recruit an actual real-live lady with hair and a nice voice and everything to go check this out – and apparently it was much better this time around! Huzzah! The excellent Jazz James investigates…)
Behold every neurotic 14 year-old girl’s dream: The latest installment of the Twilight Saga: Eclipse. Teenage angst is rife, Bella gets the horn and her battle between bestiality and necrophilia rages on. However, wishing to avenge her mate’s death, (proper) vampire Victoria begins to create an army of “newborn” vampires to challenge the Cullens and exterminate her.
I’m not going to lie; as a fully-certified member of the fairer sex, I may or may not have secretly enjoyed the – perhaps one-too-many – gratuitous shots of naked torsos that would flash on to the screen approximately every 1.54 seconds.
It’s enough to give any image-conscious man a bit of a complex.
Please don’t give up on this review already, I promise to keep shameless fangirling to a minimum and there will be no further sycophantic rambling about R-Patz’s sparkly body. Speaking of sparkles, it appeared that Slde had managed to restrain himself enough to keep them to a minimum There were times when Slade even allowed Eclipse to broach the dark horizons of traditional Gothic genre. Eclipse didn’t come without the odd toe-curlingly cringey scene, but thankfully avoids the melodramatic narrative of the first two installments and Slade attempts to branch out past its original fans to appeal to a wider audience.
The arrival of a new Harry Potter movie is always cause celebre round at STS towers, partly because we are entirely staffed by illegally imported child labourers, and partly because I quite closely resemble Voldemort.
Anyway -the new Deathly Hallows trailer hit the web today, and it seems that Harry is still more than capable of seeing off the hordes of Twihards despite his advancing years.
Continuing the series’ now trademark descent into ever darker territory, the trailer hints that many of the books more whimsical elements will still find their way onto the screen, while the outstanding effects work promises a truly awesome final showdown with he who shall not be named.
Whuh? Why the hell’s a movie site talkin’ about them thar readin’ books? Next they’ll be askin’ us to be a-learnin’ on our own time, an that thars aginst God’s own will boy.
Generally speaking, we’d much rather watch the movie than read it’s literary counterpart, I mean, since when did books have flashing colours, Robocop and the possibility of a Jenny Agutter shower scene? And let’s not forget, movies are done in 2 hours straight, while a book can take aaaaages to plough through, particularly if it’s the latest chapter in the Twilight series and you keep hurling it out of the window halfway through.
While all the above reasons are 100% true by us, there are a few paperbacks out there that haven’t yet received the Peter Jackson overhaul (not a euphamism), so the staff at STS decided to head to the local library and steal a few weighty tomes. Here’s what we came back with – it’s our: Top 5 Books That Should Be Movies!
Ho-de-ho-ho, if it isn’t being Saint Patrick’s day ya bloody bollocks, and as a special service to our ‘Of-Irish-Descent’ readers, its time for a patronising article that has bugger all to do with Ireland (and in no way increase our readership by being blatantly confrontational and obnoxious obviously).
Time to pick up a green plastic bowler hat (just like they had in the old country that neither you nor anyone you know has ever been to), fill it with dyed green cheap whiskey (because that’s what a true Irishman would obviously do) and check out the best, definitely, positively, Of-Irish-Descent oh-yes-sir-honestly actors!
