We haven’t mentioned much about it, mainly because everything Michael Bay has ever done has been complete and utter wank, but apparently those fucking awful Transformers films did quite well. So well in fact that there’s a third helping of robo-shite about to be heaped onto steaming cinema screens everywhere. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Anyway, here’s the first trailer for Transformers: Dark of the moon, wherein we find out that Hasbro’s favourite son’s (and daughters -can’t forget the fashionably pink Arcee after all) have been lurking about on the moon for years. For some reason…
A Huge ominous SPACECRAFT moves toward camera. It is similar in design to the human CRYO TRANSPORT from AVATAR. However, this craft is designed for war. Racks of missiles hang off it and it has military markings on it. Clearly this is a dangerous warship.
INT. INSIDE THE SHIP. THE CRYO CHAMBERS.
A weightless figure (Male, 20s, Military look) floats over to a CRYO TUBE, presses a release and the tube slides out revealing a human figure inside. He is male, mid 40s and has a military style look also. He is waking up but seems disoriented.
FLOATING FIGURE
Good morning Sergent. It looks like we’re almost at the destination. Enjoy your cryosleep.
SERGENT
Feels like I’ve been kicked in the head. Lets get to this.
With Star Trek currently warping up the DVD/Blu-ray charts as Kirk and Co. make a triumphant return to the big screen with the promise of even better to come, here at STS we thought we’d spare a thought for that other massive space franchise that’s been sadly humbled of late, victim of shoddy prequels and dodgy Saturday morning cartoon shows- Star Wars is not the all-conquering merchandise Death Star it once was.
Despite these varying fortunes however, around the STS office ..Empire is still on a constant loop, the first three films unarguably some of the best movies ever made.
So – who’s the best? It’s a toughie, which is why we’ve rated both sides according to strict criteria and let these twin titans of star-spanning adventure battle it out for the prize in: Star Wars Vs Star Trek!
Christian Alvert makes a brave go at weak source material, but can’t hide the tutelage of producer Paul W.S Anderson in a poorly realised Sci-Fi mish-mash.
News in from Heat Vision about the expanding of upcoming interstellar epic John Carpenter of Mars.
James Purefoy, Mark Strong and Thomas Haden Church will all be getting their asses to the red planet to hook up with Taylor Kitsch –you may have seen him previously lurking in Wolverine – Samantha Morton and Willem Dafoe.
No news on a Director yet, but Spider-Man 2 writer Michael Chabon is adapting Edgar Rice Burrough’s lysergic tale of a US Civil War veteran transported to a colourful alien world of 10 foot tall, four-limbed Martian warriors, exotic princesses and balding, godlike beings.
Sounding like the kind of wildly original, incredibly ambitious set-up that’s normally reserved for animation, STS is already jiggling about in anticipation.
What do you think? Is this the new Star Wars, or the Star Wars prequels?
