Remember when you were young and horror movies were actually allowed to be weird and scary? Of course you don’t, we deliberately pitch this blog at 7 year olds. Still, if you consider your self a cinematic gourmand (and that doesn’t mean ordering nachos with extra electric cheese) then you may have more than a passing familiarity with Robin Hardy, and his leading man du jour Christopher Lee.

The pair teamed up way, way back in 68, and the naked Britt Ekland filled result was the fantastic, timelessly creepy The Wicker Man.

Unfortunately Hollywood couldn’t leave well enough alone and decided to improve on the concept by… erm… torturing Nic Cage with some bees… ahem, anyway, as if to show them that no one does really, really fucking odd quite like the Brits, Hardy and Lee have coalesced once more and the result is – The Wicker Tree.

Based on the brand new trailer above god only knows what it’s about, but early news hints that we can expect more apple-fuelled child murder, with more than a hint of evangelical christianity butting heads with the ‘hey lets all get wasted and shag on the golf course’ pagan gods that informed the truly odd original.

Is it too much to ask for Count Dracula to don a dress once more? Probably, but there does at least seem to be plenty of shouting, so we can but hope.

The Wicker Tree is scheduled for release later this year- check out the official site for more details.

It’s January, and unless you’re a citizen of Guam, it’s bloody freezing outside. What better time of year to stay in, order a huge pizza and rent a movie?

Despite the demise of Blockbuster, it seems plenty of people are too technologically retarded or just plain honest to steal movies off the internet, with Netflix, Lovefilm and those weird coinstar things you see in the mall all doing great business.

So, Friday night and you’re renting a movie -what’s it gonna be? Maybe a piece of classic Hitchcock suspense? How about some arty Kirosowa? Of course not -you’ll be renting absolute shit -And we have the figures to prove it!

Here, for your edification – god knows you need it based on this list – are the top five rental movies of 2009. You should be ashamed!

5:Knowing

Nick Cage’s shambolic, vaguely religious, vaguely idiotic numbers-based apocothon. Ask your friends -I bet they’ve never seen it either. Only They Have – the bloody liars. Watching a bewigged southerner snuggle up to a Star Wars handmaiden while the Earth gets burnt to a crisp isn’t my idea of a good time, but still appealed heavily to the home movie crowd. The ruddy fools.

4: Gran Torino

Now, this isn’t so bad is it? A little bit of class from the Man With No Name. If Reagan were still in office it would probably have bagged the top spot with it’s tale of TRUE AMERICAN HEROES F**K YEAH!!! becoming quite crotchety because of the goddamn commie gangs ruling the ‘hood..er..or something. Anyway, it’s not bad if you like stereotypes and classic cars – which you obviously do!

3: Taken

Continuing the ‘Shit Star Wars Character’ arc, Liam Neeson manages to find away to look even more ridiculous than he did in Excalibur, with a leather jacket that makes him look more Nick Cotton then Tyler Durden and just enough action movies to…wrongfoot an elderly French Gendarme…Taken sticks plot in the bin and concentrates on showing us slightly too many shots of teenage drug addicts in their underwear – surprisingly, the majority of renters for this were boys in their late teens.

2: The Proposal

Unfortunately not the episode of Animorphs with the same name – although that would have shown more critical nous from the viewer Nope, this is an uninspired Rom Com with Van Wilder being sexually harassed by Sandra Bullock – here playing a bigoted old shrew. Forced marriage and prejudice – sounds like a recipe for success right? Remember when Demolition Man came out and you thought Bullock was sexy? Yes you do.

1: Paul Blart – Mall Cop

Yes really. And don’t pretend you aren’t personally responsible. The King of Queens is possibly the only sitcom ever to plumb depths lower than Everybody Loves F**King Raymond and when the fat arsehole responsible gets his own shit movie you love it. Honestly, a fat man rides around on a Segway and rakes in $219Million, while no-one bothers to go and see Let The Right One In. Proof positive that your average movie fans are stupider than a nest of pigs, and a sure sign of the coming apocalypse. Look on this trailer ye cinema goer, and despair!!

More reasons to get excited – the new theatrical trailer for Kick-Ass! All set to preview at this year’s SXSW, a movie with a nine-year-old assassin and Nic Cage killing people while wearing his wife’s mascara can’t be all bad can it?

In terms of what you’d want to see at your local cinema, most of the movies coming in 2010 rank just below “dropping your Oscar Meyer hot Dog on the floor”.

Well, worry not faithful cineaste, for now we come to some slabs of celluloid you might actually want to see…and discover the law of diminishing returns is still very much in effect.

Wipe the popcorn from your beard and join us then, as we realise we’ve got piss-all to look forward to this summer, in part three of our amazingly awful 2010 movie round-up!!

11: Alice in Wonderland.

Sigh. Go on then. Put on your stripy knee socks, home-dye your hair blue. Have a blast. I once met Helena Bonham-Carter you know, and she looks exactly like this in real life!

Expect Jonny Depp to trade on the fact that he’s finally at that age where men start looking like your slightly creepy maternal aunt -and wonder if he can expect a promising career awaits in the inevitable musical version of ‘Pushing Daisies’ : Altogether now
“ A pie? A pie! A magiiiicalll pie of the undeeeeeaaaadddddd…” Practically writes itself.

Anyhoo, one for your inner goth this one, cover yourself in soot and enjoy.

12: Cop Out

So, it was called ‘A Couple of Dicks’ , but then Hollywood hearthrob and all -round (in every sense of the word) ice cream fan Kevin Smith wussed right out on us and changed it. This from a man who built a career based on dick n’ fart jokes. Backed up by Bruce Willis. Sigh.

Expect Willis to smirk and wisecrack, and make an uncommonly high number of Aquaman references as he and My name is Earl chase down a baseball card or something equally stupid.

13:The Book Of Eli

Oh Denzel. For every Oscar-tempter there’s a load of old quasi-mystical gobledegook isn’t there? We can only assume that the American Gangster star has made some unholy Mephistolean bargain that forces him to pop up in crap like Fallen every other year.

Anyway, this is something to do with a magic book and Gary Oldman. After the Apocalypse. Because that was cool three years ago.

14: Paul

Part the third of Pegg and Frost’s Cornetto trilogy. Plot? Well, obviously jumping over a fence will play a pivotal role, but in an effort to find out more the professional researchers in our office checked out little-known website Wikipedia, which had the following to say:

Two British comic book geeks (Pegg and Frost) go on a road trip through America. On the way, they discover an alien named Paul (voiced by Seth Rogen) at Area 51.

Sounds good doesn’t it? If you’re a complete dick machine. Or worse, read student magazines and laugh at them. Proof positive that pegg should be shot from a photon torpedo tube at the earliest opportunity.

15: Iron Man II

Like the first film but with extra Martinis and Mickey Rourke doing that thing he does instead of acting. I once met Fenriz from legendary black Metal band Darkthrone in a bar, and he told me that Mickey Rourke was cooler than Bruce Willis.

Basically what I’m saying is that if you like Mickey Rourke or think he’s good, then you are gay for Black Metal bands. Anyway, in this he plays a lesbian super criminal (honestly – look, here she is fighting Spider-Man) Whiplash.

It’ll probably be quite good, but not as good as Thor. Possibly.

16:Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Not to be confused with Cameron’s tale of the owl and the 3D alien pussycat from 2009 –although we’re hoping that confusion will guide a few more hapless fools this way – this airbender is the wiggly, wandery based-on-a-weird-Chinese-cartoon story of a small, bald dude and some other kids messing about in a badly thought out mystical world with added M.Night Shitealogue.

Oh-and there’s a huge bison in it too.

Anyway, basically it follows our heroes as they wander hither and thither upon the Earth –which may or may not be our future, hoping some bald midget can be a bigger bender (yes, really) than the current eeeevil overlord.

Almost as bad as The Happening.

17: Season of the Witch

Will it be scary? It’ll certainly be hairy. As Nic Cage continues to display his all-action wig fetish in some cobblers about a night -with a southern accent naturally – transporting an accused witch. A sexy accused witch.

Named after a Donovan song, which leads us to wonder how long before someone films a slasher called Hurdy Gurdy Man.

18:Bitch Slap.

A She-Woman-Girl-Power-vagina-monologue-meets-boob-job-action-comedy pile of shit. Look at those boobies and tell me this really furthers the feminist cause. Anyway, Xena’s in it, so you can admire how big and muscley and just all-round butch she is without having to come all the way out.

Enjoy!

19: Leap Year.

Right, if Amy Adams wanted to marry you, would you refuse?

No, neither would I, but apparently it’s an Irish tradition (it isn’t) that women can propose to dudes on Feb 29th, and if I was an Irish-loving Hollywood Junior exec who was one-thriteenth-Irish-but-not-the-real-kind-the-American-kind, then I’d probably make this movie as well.

Take the ‘My Great-Grand-Uncle once bought a bike from an Irish man which makes me Irish’ idiot in your life and to quote the trailer: “Get ready to lose your mind…”

20: Wolf Man

Vampires? Soooooo last year man. Wolves are ‘Were’ it’s at. Did you see what I did there?!?! I’m wasted on you I really am.

Anyway,Benicio Del Toro somehow manages to be even hairier than he was in The Way of the Gun, while ruthless marketers try to make us forget just how boring the original was.

Well, 2010 looks bloody terrible doesn’t it? Full of crap monsters and awful toupee’s for the most part -to be fair, there are some actually look quite good movies coming up -  the ’suckered you in’ Kick Ass, Hot Tub Time Machine, Youth In Revolt and even ridiculous angel revenge flick Legion has it’s moments – but why should we bring a ray of sunshine into your otherwise miserable lives by mentioning them? We’re not a public service you know. Just be thankful we didn’t mention Wanted 2 (an evil loom, I mean really…) and stay in bed until the Conan reboot arrives.

Happy New year!

If there’s one lesson we can learn from the movies, it’s never replace your dead son with a robot copy. While Astro Boy’s dad Dr.Tenma (Nic Cage) has to learn this the hard way, it’s a blessing for the rest of us as we get to catch up with 40-plus years of Japanimation in a movie that may struggle on plot, but is so eyeball meltingly gorgeous you won’t hold a grudge.

It’s the near future; where the Earth has yet again become a smouldering garbage dump. Luckily a few big brains have gotten together and become enlightened – quite literally – by blasting a huge chunk of planet into the sky. Up where the air is clear the privileged citizens live a life free of drudgery, serviced by Dr.Tenma’s robots. Unfortunately, the good doctor is so wrapped up in his work, he has little time for son Tobey – until Tobey is tragically lost, prompting the grief stricken scientist to create the eponymous Astro Boy.

It’s actually a brilliantly dark conceit, with Tenma struggling with his feelings of guilt and loss, even as he preps Astro to save the world, and it’s this underlying current that holds the whole thing together. In addition Dreamworks Animation has put together some breathtaking visuals, and the cast is top-shelf, delivering some great, empathetic performances that hint at more than one childhood being spent soaking up Saturday morning cartoon shows.

Unfortunately things do occasionally fall flat. It’s clear that Summit have great faith in Director David Bowers, who also gets a co-writers credit. Unfortunately he’s made the dangerous decision to ground things in current affairs, and the sub plot, with Donald Sutherland’s general using an unstable war machine to defeat a non-existent threat is a heavy handed attempt at tackling contemporary issues that constantly threatens to undermine the narrative, attempting to bridge the gap between children’s film and adult movie and swinging dangerously close to collapsing.

That said, there are some lovely moments to be had, Astro’s awakening and the dawning realisation that he’s not a real boy but a high-tech Pinocchio are evocative and affecting, and Tenma’s emotional see-sawing is handled with an uncommon delicacy. It’s a shame that the action sequences, while good looking, are ultimately shallow and disappointing.

In attempting to modernise the source material, Bowers takes an ultimately ill-judged step, as this works best when sticking close to the densely plotted family drama of Tezuka’s books, with new material ultimately feeling derivative, and far more worthy of a cheap TV cartoon than a multi-million dollar blockbuster.

Bizarrely enough, this is a CGI blockbuster starring an atomic robot that would work better as a gentle drama. When it works, it works beautifully, and it’s worth catching on the big screen just to revel in the incredibly evocative, retro-futuristic backgrounds and marvellously rendered characters.

A visual triumph, if not a dramatic one, and a world that begs to be explored more deeply.

With All Hallowsmas fast approaching, studios are clamouring to promote their Horror product this week, and Nic Cage – yes, the southern, drawling Nic Cage – playing a 14th century knight in upcoming actioner Season of the Witch is certainly one of the weirder offerings scuttling from the bowels of tinseltown.

Tonally it looks fairly straight-laced, with a monstrously be-wigged Cage exorcising a woman who may be causing the Black Death, although the garish colours hint this could be treading a very tricky line between The Masque of the Red Death and Army of Darkness – no guesses which we’re rooting for.

Check out the new trailer and let us know what you think…