The Oscars! Once a year, a bunch of hopeless weirdos get together and nominate the year’s worst movies to receive a foot-tall piece of plastic that’s been sprayed gold and give gushing three hour speeches. In the past few years the list of categories has grown so huge that the ceremony lasts approximately 6 weeks – just long enough for Steve Martin’s hourly rate to cover the HP on his Ferrari.

Anyway, because we are the best film site ever, we reckon we’ve ingested enough peyote to see into the future and predict who’s going to win, and because those fine purveyors of discount lovefilm memberships over at vouchercodes.co.uk are running a sweepstakes, we’re going to lay it on the line and go head to head with a few other sites that seem to think they know something about movies – even though not a single one of them has published a Jason Statham retrospective this year!

To make things simple, we’ve decided to ignore dorky categories like ‘Best Window Dressing’ and go with the big hitters –don’t agree? Why not you feckless dog? Well go on then, if you think you know better, tell us!

And the winners are…

Actress in a supporting role

Mo’Nique in Precious

Why? Well, she manages to outshine Maria Carey for one, and let’s face it, Penelope Cruz screeching and throwing her legs up in the air in Nine may have been more fun to watch, but hardly typified the method approach did it?

Actor in a supporting role

Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds

Why? We almost went with Matt Damon and his comedy Transvall accent in Invictus, but what kind of list would this be without at least one bingo playing, pipe-and-scenery chomping Nazi on it? Waltz is the best thing in a movie that features Brad Pitt ordering someone’s head to be stoved in with a bat -that has to be worth celebrating right?

Actress in a leading role

Carey Mulligan in An Education

Why? Frankly, we’d much rather see the lovely Miss Mulligan on stage in a sparkly dress than celebrate Meryl Streep’s bloody awful efforts this year, and although British films never, ever win anything we live in hope…

Actor in a leading role

Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart

After menacing Iron Man on a segway, The Dude got serious for once this year, leaving his lightcycle at the door and churning out a powerful character study that actually made us appreciate country music – for about 5 minutes, then it was back to the Pantera albums – Jeff’s often been overlooked by the Academy so he deserves to shine this year. And hey, would you really want to see George Clooney up there again?

Animated feature film

Up (Pete Docter and Bob Peterson)

Why? Where The Wild Things Are doesn’t count, and to be honest we were a bit unsettled by Fantastic Mr.Fox, so let’s grasp the obvious and go with the latest and probably greatest from Pixar – if only for the talking dog.

Directing

The Hurt Locker (Kathryn Bigelow)

Why? Tarantino is slowly disappearing up his own mixed metaphors with Inglourious, and Avatar may look great, but it’s as much about typing HTML as it is about directing – Bigelow meanwhile continues to make great, traditionally crafted movies -and fill them with massive kick-ass explosions, meaning she’s the girl for us!

Writing (original screenplay)

A Serious Man (Joel and Ethan Coen)

Why? Again, Quentin was a little too obvious this year, while the Brothers Coen crafted a witty, dark and engaging movie that reigned in the trademark obtuse dialogue from their earlier work and came out smelling of roses.

Best picture

A Serious Man (Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, producers)

This won’t win. We actually think that honour will pass into the off-world paws of a certain biggest movie ever, but frankly – effects aside – Avatar just isn’t that great a film. A Serious Man on the other hand is a textbook example of tight plotting and storytelling, full of fantastic red herrings and fun wordplay that really counts. Sure there aren’t as many exploding helicopters, but if it’s a genuine film you want to see win here then this is your baby.

Art direction
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (art direction: Dave Warren and Anastasia Masaro; set decoration: Caroline Smith)

You’d forgotten about this one hadn’t you? Yep, so had we -we were all distracted by the acres of lingerie on display in Nine, but for sumptuous indulgence Imaginarium wins hands down -and it’s a choice bound to be bouyed up by sentiment for a certain ex-Joker so don’t write this off…

Cinematography

The Hurt Locker (Barry Ackroyd)

Why? Ka-Boom!!! That’s why! Desert vistas, bullets singing as they whizz past your face and constant adrenalin being payed off in spades with some massive rumbling explosions. The Hurt Locker took the ‘red wire or blue wire’ moment, stretched it over 2 hours and added in the sweeping desert vistas of Laurence of Arabia – gorgeous and scary as hell.

Music (original score)

Avatar (James Horner)

Make no mistake, Avatar is going to win big this year. Unfortunately for Cameron, it isn’t a character study of one woman’s struggle to come to terms with the death of her missing pony, set against the backdrop of the Hindenberg disaster, so the often snooty Academy probably won’t go the whole hog and award a cartoon Best Picture -leaving music and tech categories. In this case it outdoes the weird indie of Mr.Fox and presents a masterclass in rumbling strings and cat in closet jumpy orchestration – not since Terminator has Cameron had a soundtrack as ruthless and unstoppably stirring. Which just leaves…

Visual effects

Avatar (Joe Letteri, Stephen Rosenbaum, Richard Baneham and Andrew R Jones)

To be honest, we’d rather Star Trek won this, but there’s simply no arguing with a helicopter taking on a six-legged giant lizard is there? Not to mention the vaguely-arousing thought of Sigourney Weaver with a tail. Avatar beats the competition hands down.

So, that’s our two-penneth worth, but we know we have the most educated, erudite and discerning – not to mention good looking – readership in blogsville, so we want your predictions as well, let us know if we’re right or if we’re wrong –this is important; if we’re wrong on this, we’ll never win that voucher for a half price Sloppy Giuseppe!

It seems that director Joe Johnston has been using his post-Wolfman time wisely, bypassing regional premieres in favour of homing in on a lead for The First Avenger: Captain America.
Chatting to Marvel.com, Johnston says he expects to announce a lead in the next fortnight.

“We need to cast it soon,” said Johnston. “We have a very short list, but we’re still juggling actors here. I’d say within the next couple of weeks we’ll have ourselves a Captain America, I hope.”

Sam Worthington was most recently linked to the star-spangled spandexer, but it’s unclear whether the grunting half-wall half SHOUTING ACTOR has made the shortlist. Tyrese still appears to be in the running for the role of proto-super soldier Isaiah Bradley.

Despite some shouting from fanboys – and speculation that the plot may include Marvel’s dodgy Brit-hero Union Jack – Johnston is still set on filming in the UK, which given the WWII period piece that’s been mooted, makes perfect sense, with Marvel’s head honcho Kevin Fiege claiming it will be
“One of the most international films we’ve done”. So Europe-wide Nazi-crushing super-carnage then – this can only be a good thing.

Joel does have previous of course, with ill-conceived Vinnie Jones vehicle (Honestly! A Vinnie Jones Vehicle! Think about how many kinds of wrong that is!) Midnight Meat Train quietly becoming a tax write-off for Lionsgate
.
Despite several name changes and a confused, limited release however, this tale of crazed Nazi Occultism and the search for immortality gone awry in small town USA looks like a far finer kettle of fish. Invasion man Dave Kajganich scripting while Prison Break’s Dominic Purcell and Inglourious Basterd Michael Fassbinder head up a top-notch cast.

So, will it be Tigerland meets Evil Dead-or The Werewolf Vs The Yeti?

With Tarantino’s Basterds currently carving up critical opinion in the style of 1940s Berlin, we figured it was a perfect excuse to crack open the beers and watch a few two-fisted, boy’s own adventure WWII flicks. It’s all very well going on about Rambo and Arnie in Predator, but when it comes to kicking goose-stepping Nazi ass, you need a different calibre of hero entirely.

Join us as STS dons it’s goggles and fleece-lined RAF jacket, pops a pipe in it’s gob, and, in our very best BBC English, concocts some cockamamey mission to rescue Winston Churchill’s secret exploding cigars from a Bavarian castle. This type of who dares wins needs a very special set of protagonists, so join us as we bring you 6 of the best: Nazi Fighters!

1: Indiana Jones – Raiders of the Lost Ark

Nazis. He hates those guys. In between all the religious iconography/claptrap and occasional subcontinental detours, we sometimes forget that those is Nazi faces getting melted off by Jesus, and Dr. Henry Jones Jnr is the ideal earthly apostle of two-fisted SS head cracking. He’s interested in history for it’s own sake, and is more concerned with filling a museum than winning the war, but that hasn’t stopped him from working as a triple agent in both World Wars, stealing a U-boat, disfiguring senior SD officials in bar fights, punching a bald Nazi Ubermensch through a plane propeller, and even banging into little Adolf himself at one point. Dr. Jones is a man of science, but that doesn’t mean he won’t shoot first,and commune directly with Jehovah later. His fedora-beheaded silhouette makes him the ideal operative for jungle and desert warfare, and he may even let you keep a few camels at the end of it all.

2: Nick Rivers – Top Secret!

OK, so a light blue high-school wind-cheater isn’t your typical choice of uniform, and neither is waiting until 1955 to get involved, but that doesn’t stop teen surf and song sensation Rivers from sticking it to the Hun in fine fashion. An innovative display of weapons (an enormous, high-voltage dildo) and a range of superb disguises (a pantomime cow) mean he’s perfect for deep cover work. Whether it’s ordering flaming Hog’s balls for dinner, or crashing a submarine into a castle, Rivers may not have much upstairs, but he knows exactly how to combat history’s most notoriously uptight armed force-with Rock N’ Roll baby!

3: Morris Shaeffer – Where Eagles Dare

Any STS readers -and a few ex-staff writers- who have a gun fetish will know that a standard German-issue ZK-383 submachine gun generates around 65lbs of recoil force per square foot. That’s enough to break your wrist. At one point during classic whack-a-fascist-fest Where Eagles Dare, Clint Eastwood’s Lietenant Morris Shaeffer holds one in each hand, and mows down an entire legion of sausage munching right-wingers in a hail of lead. Lets face it, on a mission this stupid, you could probably use an ultraviolent killing machine with a dry sense of humour, and Shaeffer gets our vote. Pause for a moment if you will to consider the film’s poster. Look at it! Where Eagles dare has absolutely everything a WWII flick needs, fist fights on the top of cable cars, Michael Redgrave shouting, beautiful double agents – it’s got it all. The fact that it’s got sod all to do with the realities of conflict, and absolutely everything to do with the blitz spirit makes it even better, and when it comes to wiping out truckloads of limping, eye-patch wearing SS fairies, Morris is the best there is.

4: Michael Redgrave – The Dambusters.

Every mission needs a commander, and when your squad consists of dangerous lone-wolves, then you need someone who can ignore unfortunate pluralisation and get on with the job at hand. Someone who reeks of quiet courage. Possibly someone who smokes a pipe. There’s only one operative who springs to mind: Sir Michael Scudamore Redgrave. His knowledge of bouncing bomb trajectories is second to none, and his eclectic sexual practices make him perfectly suited to understand the perverse workings of the Nazi mind. The only man on the team to have an entire squadron of Lancaster bombers formed just to test out a crackpot theory he’s had. If it’s war winning you’re interested in, then the velvet-voiced, stiff upper lipped Redgrave’s your man!

5: Hellboy – Hellboy

An unusual choice to be sure, seeing as he is himself the product of obscure Axis technology and Satanic powers from beyond the veil of sleep, that doesn’t mean Big Red can’t be trusted. Fitting surprisingly easily into the Germanic pantheon -he has a penchant for LederHosen and comes equipped with his own Alpenhorn – the cigar chomping demonoid will come in handy when you need to punch through the wall of Castle Wolfenstein. Of course, it’s been widely and accurately reported – mainly on the ‘Fortean Times’ message boards – that Hitler’s stinking lapdogs were well into the Harry Potter side of things, so having someone who knows his Tuetons from his tentacles probably couldn’t hurt either.

6:Vasily Zeitsev – Enemy at the Gates.

If there’s an abiding lesson to be learned from history; “Don’t F**K with Russia” has to be up there. Vasily may or maynot believe in the cause, or uniting the proletariat, but he sure likes to shoot people in the head. Wether it’s taking Ed Harris down with a well-placed bullet to the bonce, charming the combat fatigues off Rachel Weiss’ perfectly formed Soviet issue bottom, or facing down an incensed Bob Hoskins, Zeitsev is a man who thinks fast in a crises. Every team needs a sniper, and with the addition of Jude Law’s ill-equipped peasant sharp shooter, this squad just got a whole lot better looking, and a whole lot more dangerous too.

Whaaaaaaat? No Virgil ‘Cooler King’ Hilts? No barking mad Edward Woodward? No Winston Churchill – circa ‘Churchill; The Hollywood Years’ natch- ?? There must be tons more to choose from right? Where the bloody hell is Richard Attenborough? Over to you then STS’ers; I expect a crack legion of highly skilled Nazi Bashers in my comments box by the end of the week – the future of the free world is in your hands; get on with it you ‘orrible lot you!

Going by title alone, you’d be forgiven for expecting a set-piece-filled video game spin off. In fact this is a slow burning and underplayed version of real life events, as Norwegian resistance member Max takes on dastardly invading Nazis, in a WWII film that’s a wobbly mix of two-fisted action and true-life consequence.

Askel Hennie makes an impression in the title role, managing to carry off slightly glib scripting with a straight face and grounding what could otherwise be a lightweight boys’ own adventure. Scenes of Max’s early career, engaged in some brutal combat with the Russians, have a wonderfully straightforward edge to them and the Norwegians initial reluctance to adopt Guerilla tactics against occupying Nazi forces, leading to their initial meetings failing miserably, carry some genuine emotional heft.

In fact, the film’s biggest asset is also it’s greatest weakness. At one point, Manus leaps through a window to escape, but rather than escaping Jason Bourne style, he winds up in intensive care for his efforts. This realism is laudable, and the gravity of events certainly shouldn’t be treated lightly but unfortunately the characterisation is more Die Hard than Schindler’s List. All the patriotic shouting makes it hard to identify with the resistance men, but the ambiguous choices they make makes them come off as human and often deeply flawed for all this bravery.

Doing the best they can with a limited budget, Directors Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg utilise some tasteful CGI use that makes the small staged battles suitably epic while the photography is effectively chilly, if a little too enamoured of Saving Private Ryan for it’s own good.

An interesting and very human tale, the film is unbalanced at times but compelling nonetheless and worth dedicating a couple of hours to on a Sunday afternoon.

There’s been a fair bit of talk around the STS office bemoaning the demise of the traditional war movie – so it was with baited breath that we took our seats for what was originally touted as an all-action knucklefest a la Where Eagles Dare. What we got was something quite different, but none the worse for it.

It’s 1944 and occupied France is the setting as Brad Pitt and a crack team of Jewish soldiers embark on a mission to wipe out Nazi high command – at a film premiere. A mission complicated by the cinema owner, a Jewish survivor who is out for revenge.

Tarantino will always be known for dialogue, but even for him it’s a brave move to open a post Saving Private Ryan WWII film with a long, rambling conversation without a whizzing bullet to be seen. In the scene, callous Nazi Col. Landa toys with a squirming French Farmer accused of harbouring Jewish escapees and this lengthy character introduction is typical throughout, wrong-footing your expectations as seemingly major players arrive, only to be killed moments later. Even the eponymous Basterds only make fleeting appearances and money maker Brad Pitt has less screen time than many supporting characters. While the lengthy chat segments sometimes slow the pace down to a commando crawl, it’s always involving and ultimately adds to the precision plotting.

The acting on display is often striking, Pitt works hard, his words rumbling through an almost incomprehensible southern accent, while speeches are delivered in English and German with aplomb. Again, dialogue is king and it’s a pleasure to watch. One scene in particular sees allied troops sweating as they try to outfox ruthless SS man August Dehl. Michael Fassbinder’s Brit Officer shines in particular with a roguish charm seemingly channeled from 40s Hollywood. The implied threats and bargains are wonderful, ratcheting up the tension, every sentence uttered with conviction and demanding analysis.

Despite this, the movie is also very funny. Screwball laughs emerge from the almost constant yakking. Again, Christophe Waltz as Landa is a standout here, his character cruel and complicated but tempered with just the right amount of camp. He is both effeminate and threatening, conveying keenness of mind and deadly singularity of purpose beneath a raffish, socially aware exterior. Between them, he and Pitt carry the movie. Their performances are engaging and knowing, but resolutely grounded in the peculiar reality of the movie.

That construction is highlighted too. The whole shebang kicks off with the self-aware caption ‘once upon a time… In Nazi occupied France…’ History provides the stage, but is kept well out of the way as the tale unfolds. Tarantino’s obsession with movies is apparent from the get-go, whilst the ending is a typical, over-the-top, only-in-the-movies piece that riffs on Spaghetti westerns. Whilst this fast and loose attitude to our finest hour could cause offense if taken seriously, overall it’s a fun return to the days when war films were two-fisted boy’s own tales, where there was never a doubt that the bad guys would get what was coming to them eventually.

Of course, this being Tarantino, it’s not actually about the war at all. It’s about other movies. With a soundtrack and shot-list cobbled together lovingly from other films, the core of the script revolves around a film critic and a cinema owner – ultimately the only two characters with the ability to face down evil and combat Nazi propaganda. Another love letter to cinema, sometimes deliberately contrived but none the worse for it, Inglourious Basterds sees Tarantino back on fantastic and fun form.