Back when I was 9 years old, the A-Team was awesome man, representing a fantastic Saturday afternoon escape from the clutches of a mother hell-bent on dragging me around the town centre to purchase ill-fitting school shoes, the adventures of Hannibal, Face, Murdoch and B.A happily helped form my entire view of the Midwest, a mythical land full of villainous landowners, oppressed townsfolk, and non-murderous mercenaries who would happily defend your property and your honour –even if doing so involved building a tank that launched cabbages at heavily armed brigands. Over the years, I’ve caught a few reruns and realised that like its contemporaries, it’s actually slow, disastrously plotted mix of improbable scenarios, comedy villains and cigar-chomping, milk-drinking catchphrases. Luckily, the movie is exactly the same.

When 80’s properties get Hollywoodized, they usually fall foul of the urge to make them more adult, more gritty, more ‘real’. Luckily the team behind the team has realised that this is absolutely ridiculous to begin with, and have decided instead to concentrate on cramming in explosions, machine-guns, and of course, jeeps which crash and explode, only to have their occupants step clear of the wreckage rubbing their heads in time to be tied up. Of course, this could be a problem –on TV, this kind of crap is beamed into your brain for free, it’s a guilty pleasure, but hey, it’s free man –but is it really worth paying £6 to watch Liam Neeson say ‘I love it when a plan comes together’?

Well…probably. Just like the show, the plot is all over the place, and it relies heavily on all that pent-up childhood goodwill, but its entertaining enough guff, with a fairly successful update –the team making the change from Vietnam SF to Gulf War army rangers for example –and some explosive action scenes. On the down side, there’s a hundred fairly good action flicks doing the rounds this summer, so it’s a shame that the A-Team struggle to rise above the C-List.

OK, so – the aforementioned wobbly plotting. Basically we get the usual origin story, expanding back beyond the ‘crime they didn’t commit’ to the team’s first get together down Mexico way, and it’s business as usual from the off. Hannibal chews cigars and has a penchant for dressing up, Face seems to have taken a Navy SEAL training course in banging anything with a pulse, B.A is a fan of his van and will happily eat any cheeseburger you put in front of him, and Murdoch is certifiably howlin’ mad. After bustin’ out of prison, the boys try to clear their name while being ruthlessly pursued by Patrick Wilson’s slimy CIA agent, and bump head s with their former commander General Morrison, bump uglies with unlikely officer Jessica Biel –and of course, meddle in the dastardly doings of a corrupt businessman, in this case, the head of a very Blackwater-esque security firm.

Erm..and that’s about it. On the plus side, the budget is clearly immense, meaning a parachuting tank can blow planes out of the air, Lamborghinis can explode, millions of rounds can be expended, and Hannibal can buy terrible disguises and tranquilisers to put in B.A’s milk. The downers? Well, if anything, it’s not stoopid enough. If the producers had gone for ultra-stylised cartoon fun then it would be –as Face so frequently states – ‘Awesome!’. As it is, it’s a bit mid-range, which after so much hype, development and years of manly expectation it’s just a little too serious. Frankly, it’s just difficult to become emotionally invested in a certifiable airline pilot and a man called ‘Rampage’ Jackson.

While it does rely a bit too much on your pre-teen goodwill, the A-Team is a big barrel of explodey-fun, most action movies have one villain, and a team on one adventure, here there’s a seemingly endless stream of reasons for things to blow up, dastardly property developers to cackle and Ms.Biel’s clothes to vamoose, and of course there’s that theme-tune. Really, what more do you want from a summer actionfest?

The A-Team isn’t quite A-Grade, but it’s a solid start to what’s obviously being touted as a franchise, and has the potential to mature into a bloody ridiculous series.

After spending New Years Day cleaning what, for argument’s sake, we’ll assume was mud mixed with chewing gum off the office floor, we finally had time to carry on checking out all the new movies crawling out of the toilet to infect your eyeballs like refugees from an early Cronenberg movie in the new year. Yep, it’s part two of our craptabulous round up of the biggest, worstest flicks of 2010!

6: The A-Team

The group ‘convicted of a crime they didn’t commit’ have been updated from Vietnam to the far less interesting Iraq War, but otherwise everything from Hannibal’s cigar to Murdoch’s hat is present and correct – look at this picture, Liam Neeson looks aces doesn’t he? Unfortunately, like everything ever made in the 80s, the A-Team was a load of crap, so expect to see whatsisface from The Hangover driving a cabbage-firing tank at some terrorists intent on taking over a suspiciously attractive girl’s farm in Wyoming and tell me that you think it’ll be cool. You idiot.

7: Twilight: Eclipse

To be honest I only stuck this piece of shit in here so that extra teenage girls would check out the site. Unfortunately they’ll all be chaste Mormons so it won’t do me any good. Not satisfied with pumping out two steaming loaves of vampiarrhoea, the studio money-sharks couldn’t resist farting out yet more of Stephanie Meyer’s absolute crap into your eyeballs. Expect a weird, borderline paedophilia love triangle and strong anti-feminist messages. Also expect girls with IQ’s lower than their pet Chihuahuas to love it, and for it to be a big pile of pigtarded claptrap.

8:The Expendables

Sly and the boys hide their bus-passes and stagger about in the jungle blowing shit up. Fuck yeah!

9:The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Both preceding Narnia films were badly put together shambles that not many people bothered to see, and those that did bother – didn’t like. So, sounds like a good idea to make another one doesnt it? Siblings Lucy, Edmund, Rudolph, Prancer, Frankenstein and Dopey head back to the slightly boring mystical land to fanny about on a ship with big bad brooding Ben Barnes, Eddie Izzard is oh-so-hilarious as an annoying mouse that would make Willy Wonka vomit, and Fox happily flush their cash down the Dawn Treader’s bilges for no apparent reason. Heaven’s Gate!

10: The Three Stooges

Probably not one for the ladies, as the Farrely brothers give Benicio Del Toro a bowl cut and provide plenty of wish fulfillment by pushing Sean Penn down a flight of stairs and smacking Jim Carrey in the face with a plank. With hilarious consequences.

Well, we have hangovers to re-enforce, so we’ll take a short break, but join us again shortly for part three, where we might even slip in a couple of films worth seeing (don’t count on it though)!