From Nightmare on Elm Street to Heartless (an…uhhh…probably some others I expect…) our screens are currently boiling with the stench of sulpher and brimstone as faustian pacts are forged, ethereal barriers are broken down and nasty do-badders escape from the bounds of hell itself to inflict second-tier horror schlockers on our unwitting eyeballs -the Satanic rat bastards. Yep, Mephisto is definitely a guy who’s around for the long haul cinematically speaking, and while Heartless has Joseph Maul as a weird, voodoo-doing East End Devil, we’re sure there must be better ways to portray the one who walks backwards on screen. Oh, wait! There are! Yep, time to bathe in holy water, get Jim Caveizal round and hope it’s the power of Christ compelling us to sit through a bunch of shitty horror flicks, as we check out six of the best: Movie Satans!
1: Tim Curry: The Darkness (Legend)
Ok, so he goes by the name of The Darkness, but his clever disguise isn’t fooling us! One look at those three-foot long horns, fangs and bright red skin and we know exactly who we’re dealing with. Unfortunately for the erstwhile Frankenfurter, Curry’s decided to pick on the only being in existance more evil than he is – That’ll be Tom Cruise then. Still, scores extra devil points for his fantastically spooky arrival on screen; stepping out of a mirror. Well, a taxi doesn’t really scream ‘Prince of Darkeness’ does it? Easily the most evil appearence in Curry’s considerable repertoire (apart from the hotel manager in Home Alone 3 obviously).
With Iron Man 2’s hype machine currently going into Scarlet Johannsen booby-shaped overdrive, it’s easy to think that inventors are a bunch of hyper-intelligent, supercool playboys cobbling together amazing doohickeys for the protection and betterment of mankind.
The movies have a long history of science-types saving the planet and coming up with amazing inventions to win the hearts and minds of us, the lowly viewer. Unfortunately, for every Tony Stark there’s a wet fart, with dozens of films full of half-assed ideas hewn from cardboard and clingfilm. Some are rubbish, some are stupid and others are downright dangerous!
Put on your safety goggles and stand behind the lead sheilding then, while we check out the top ten: Crap Movie Inventions!
Kids make for the harshest critics in the business. You can pour your blood, sweat and tears into hyping a movie release, but if it won’t hold the attention of a seven year old for 120 measly minutes, it’s no good to anybody. When it comes to children’s movies, the kid’s deliver the final verdict and they often do so with honesty and conviction. However, every once in a blue moon the kids screw up and a perfectly good movie slips under the radar and is lost – forgotten forever – vanishing into the ether. Here’s the first of four films on a list comprising movies the children of yesteryear should have had the good sense to appreciate for the classics they are. By the time we’re done, you’ll remember why we don’t let them vote.
You might remember some of these titles and hopefully the list will cause you to experience at least one decent nostalgia rush – so let’s crack on…
