Politics, elections, proportional representation, yadda yadda yadda…

Let’s lighten things up shall we? Let’s talk about a child sex killer who gets burnt to death, and then haunts his former prey, slashing them to bits in their dreams, shall we?

That’s right, Freddy Kruger’s back. Again. The remake/re-boot/’re-imagining’ of A Nightmare On Elm Street is here and there’s not a damned thing you can do about it. Apart from watch it (or ignore it).

Before we start, let’s just imagine that Frederick Krudger were real. Wouldn’t he just be the Daily Mail’s ultimate wet dream? Not only is our man a paedophile, he is also quite possiblly an immigrant paedophile (check out his surname…). The worst kind, eh Daily Mail?!

Slashing The Seats was granted access to the exclusive premiere of the film last night in London’s glitzy West End, walking down the red carpet and mixing with such stars and luminaries as Sir Anthony Hopkins, George Clooney and Dame Helen Mirren.

Well, that isn’t strictly true. It was an advance screening that we couldn’t really be arsed to go to and had to pay £4.75 for a bag of Munchies. We were graced by the presence of ‘That Bloke Over There’, ‘The Man Who Came By Himself And Is Rocking Worringly In His Seat’ and ‘That Girl Over There With The Big Rack’. But don’t tell STS’ friends, because STS’ friends think STS is cool and gets into film premieres and stuff.

Okay, that isn’t strictly true either, STS’ friends think that STS is a sad and lonely film geek who needs to get laid, but anyway – LET’S TALK ABOUT THE FILM, SHALL WE?

Freddy is as Freddy was in Wes Craven’s classic original. He’s still sporting that fetching red and black striped jumper, that dirty ol’ fedora and that handful of knives. New Freddy (Watchmen’s Jackie Earle Haley) can’t help it, but the 2010 version is almost laughably short. I mean, it’s one thing being a nonce (and a foreign nonce at that), but a short nonce?! That’s just unforgivable… But what Rorschach lacks in stature, he more than makes up for in menace. He’s not a guy you’d like to go for a picnic with.*

Just look at the state of this grouting...

This time out the onus is slightly more on Kruger’s child molesting and his crimes and character before he starting interfering in kids’ dreams. That element of Kruger combined with Haley’s talent for creepiness somehow contrives to make him more disturbing as the pre-burns paedophile Fred Kruger than as his nightmarish vision. After all, the image of Freddy is so familiar now, especially after 53 sequels (including Freddy vs Jason- which I was disappointed to find was not 90 minutes of Jason Lee having his face shredded to pieces in his sleep). Couple that with the clichéd Halloween image we all know and it has robbed Freddy of any real terror. I mean, he’s wearing a Dennis the Menace jumper for Chrissakes!

It’s your standard hokey remake stuff, with effective performances from Quentin (played by a young Pete Doherty) and lead girl Nancy (Roona Mara). The inclusion of Katie Cassidy as high school student Kris looks a little out of place (she looks about 34…) and coupled with her dreadful acting, it stilts the first half of the film somewhat. But I’m not sure too many viewers will care too much.

What they will care about is how impressive the death scenes are and they are this: ‘pretty impressive’. Other stand-out scenes include a corridor of blood, Freddy coming through the walls (not like that) and a scene where a class full of students turn to ash.

The original is better, but then you knew that, didn’t you? This is a decent stab (ho ho ho!) at a remake and while it doesn’t unsettle as much as you might hope, it does the job. The 1984 film sparked seven sequels, and they’ve knowingly left room for more here. And why not? Everyone likes seeing teenagers slaughtered by the dream-inhabiting, burnt ghosts of kiddy-fiddlers don’t they? And why?

Because THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT!

*Although saying that, he would be useful for cutting up the pork pie.

This month sees the multi-platform, media-saturating release of top-notch hugeasaurus-face-off Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus – so in time-honoured tradition, the staff at STS have taken a quick look around the office, seen the DVD and come up with a list based on it!

Now the rules are easy: The beast should win.

Which means the Kraken is out due to Depp-induced death and Jaws has long since been reduced to chum by Roy Schneider et al. Likewise, these are the big boys, so no room for namby-pamby slashers like Jason or Freddy here – can you seriously see Pinhead taking on Biolanthe?

Of course, that doesn’t mean we mightn’t have missed a few or bent the rules in some cases, so feel free to point out any gaps as we sort the Godzillas from the Godzookies and the Kong from the just plain wrong – matching up the greatest behemoths of the silver screen, watching them hack, claw and occasionally set fire to each other – all for our amusement. We bring you the six finest examples of: Movie Monsters!

1: Godzilla

The hardest of the hard – a nuclear gecko with atomic breath and a 50 year+ pedigree. He’s faced down aliens, rockets, space-beasts, Jet Jaguar and Ferris Bueller alike over the years, but it’s his performance in 1968’s Destroy All Monsters that Gojira finally crowned himself the city-crushingest king of Kaiju, kicking the asses of not one, not two, but 16 separate beasts in a royal smackdown like no other. Up from the deep, 30 storeys high, the best of the best!

2: Mr. Stay Puft

Without doubt the cutest guy on the list, he’s a hundred-foot pile of modified corn starch with an eons-old hunger for Human sacrifice and inter-dimensional mischief. Strictly speaking, he doesn’t face down any other monsters while on screen (Ernie Hudson’s acting aside) but just look at the way those soon-to-be-barbequed hell hounds scatter when he approaches. Stay-Puft may be cute, but he cements his position as Lord of the Sebulei on rep alone, triumphing over inherent softness to come out looking hard.

3: Kong

Even though he’s effectively driven to suicide by Fay Wray, there’s no denying that King Kong is one menacing simian. Specialising in reptile-punching, he’s happy to take on multiple T-Rex’s if they threaten his girlfriend, while even the mighty Godzilla has taken a monkey punch to the head more than once.
Cinema’s toughest Gorilla.

4: Talos – Jason and the Argonauts

From the moment the Argonauts arrive on the island, the huge statue of Talos looming over them, you know exactly what’s going to happen. ‘There’s something wrong about that big bronze bastard’ you find yourself thinking – and you’re right. Making off with their booty, there’s no wonder the tiny Greek fellas let out Willhelm Screams aplenty as his clanking metal eyes set on them. Most monsters go for brute strength or heat vision. Talos is more pragmatic, favouring a bloody great sword. The toughest thing ever to wear sandals and a skirt.

5: The Thing – The Thing/Thing From Another World

The sneakiest beast we’ve come across. Of course, the Bodysnatchers and Children of the Damned attempted to quietly replace us, but The Thing one-ups them by not only replacing us, but doing it in an excellently gory fashion! It’s conniving back-stabbery has clearly seen it in good stead too, as it’s crossed the galaxy, gobbling up more planets than Galactus can imagine, spreading like a rash that no amount of talc will remove, and very nearly conquering the Earth not once but twice! The first time it made the schoolboy error of disguising itself as a giant root vegetable, but the second time round…well…are we REALLY sure that’s Kurt Russell?

6: Shelob. – Lord of the Rings

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy is jam packed with beasts from the depths. While the Cave troll is adorable and the Balrogs score on… erm… horniness – Shelob comes out top due to her sheer unkillability. Hell, if we look at the books we find out that even Sauron’s master Melkor was an arachnophobe of old, and it’s no wonder. We’ve all freaked out when an unexpected eight-legged fiend has crawled up our leg at a picnic, so imagine that little money-spider in the tub is as big as a garage, possessed of an ancient, cold-blooded intellect and is only waiting in a dark place until the sun goes out. Then it won’t even bother to climb up your drainpipe. It’ll just smash through the living room wall.
Winner on sheer creepiness!