It’s January, and unless you’re a citizen of Guam, it’s bloody freezing outside. What better time of year to stay in, order a huge pizza and rent a movie?

Despite the demise of Blockbuster, it seems plenty of people are too technologically retarded or just plain honest to steal movies off the internet, with Netflix, Lovefilm and those weird coinstar things you see in the mall all doing great business.

So, Friday night and you’re renting a movie -what’s it gonna be? Maybe a piece of classic Hitchcock suspense? How about some arty Kirosowa? Of course not -you’ll be renting absolute shit -And we have the figures to prove it!

Here, for your edification – god knows you need it based on this list – are the top five rental movies of 2009. You should be ashamed!

5:Knowing

Nick Cage’s shambolic, vaguely religious, vaguely idiotic numbers-based apocothon. Ask your friends -I bet they’ve never seen it either. Only They Have – the bloody liars. Watching a bewigged southerner snuggle up to a Star Wars handmaiden while the Earth gets burnt to a crisp isn’t my idea of a good time, but still appealed heavily to the home movie crowd. The ruddy fools.

4: Gran Torino

Now, this isn’t so bad is it? A little bit of class from the Man With No Name. If Reagan were still in office it would probably have bagged the top spot with it’s tale of TRUE AMERICAN HEROES F**K YEAH!!! becoming quite crotchety because of the goddamn commie gangs ruling the ‘hood..er..or something. Anyway, it’s not bad if you like stereotypes and classic cars – which you obviously do!

3: Taken

Continuing the ‘Shit Star Wars Character’ arc, Liam Neeson manages to find away to look even more ridiculous than he did in Excalibur, with a leather jacket that makes him look more Nick Cotton then Tyler Durden and just enough action movies to…wrongfoot an elderly French Gendarme…Taken sticks plot in the bin and concentrates on showing us slightly too many shots of teenage drug addicts in their underwear – surprisingly, the majority of renters for this were boys in their late teens.

2: The Proposal

Unfortunately not the episode of Animorphs with the same name – although that would have shown more critical nous from the viewer Nope, this is an uninspired Rom Com with Van Wilder being sexually harassed by Sandra Bullock – here playing a bigoted old shrew. Forced marriage and prejudice – sounds like a recipe for success right? Remember when Demolition Man came out and you thought Bullock was sexy? Yes you do.

1: Paul Blart – Mall Cop

Yes really. And don’t pretend you aren’t personally responsible. The King of Queens is possibly the only sitcom ever to plumb depths lower than Everybody Loves F**King Raymond and when the fat arsehole responsible gets his own shit movie you love it. Honestly, a fat man rides around on a Segway and rakes in $219Million, while no-one bothers to go and see Let The Right One In. Proof positive that your average movie fans are stupider than a nest of pigs, and a sure sign of the coming apocalypse. Look on this trailer ye cinema goer, and despair!!