Ho-de-ho-ho, if it isn’t being Saint Patrick’s day ya bloody bollocks, and as a special service to our ‘Of-Irish-Descent’ readers, its time for a patronising article that has bugger all to do with Ireland (and in no way increase our readership by being blatantly confrontational and obnoxious obviously).

Time to pick up a green plastic bowler hat (just like they had in the old country that neither you nor anyone you know has ever been to), fill it with dyed green cheap whiskey (because that’s what a true Irishman would obviously do) and check out the best, definitely, positively, Of-Irish-Descent oh-yes-sir-honestly actors!

Ya feckin’ eejit.

Christian Bale

There’s nothing more Of-Irish-Descent than Batman is there? He’s a cop, working in a New York/Chicago analogue and helping out a flatfoot named Gordon. It’s to Bale’s credit that despite a penchant for growling like a bulldog a lot recently, he never once let’s the comedy accent slip. Well, Hollywood is certainly a step up from Bournemouth- top work Bale, you Of-Irish-Descent Psycho you!

Of-Irish-Descent analogue: Sam Worthington

Grunt. Roar. I am a machiiiiiinnnneeee!!!It isn’t often you see someone out-acted by their own leg muscles, But Worthington pulls it of with aplomb. We’d tell him, but he’s not allowed out of his cage between scenes. Also happens to be English, but we’ll ignore that for now…

Mel Gibson

In Lethal Weapon, Gibbo cemented his status as Hollywood’s go-to Of-Irish-descent action man, chain smoking his way through a million glorious mullet-waving action scenes, even going so far as to become violently and visibly anti-Semitic in later life- top o’ the mornin’ to ya Mel!

Of-Irish-Descent version: Bruce Willis

Wow, some one who may actually, just about, have a relative who once lived near Kilkenny! And even though McClain is actually a Scottish name rather than an Irish one, who cares, it’s all the same country outside Poughkeepsie ain’t it? Da noive a’ some peoples!

Robert Pattinson

Ah, those dark eyes, that swoon-inducing giant beehive-quiff of doom, he could only be an of-Irish-Descent rogue.Or the product of a warped imagination that had been reading too many back issues of Preacher when vampire casting week came around. Whatever, the thing they call R-Patz will be clogging up your screens in Remember Me this week, so why not heas down with a bag of green popcorn and enjoy his unique brand o’ bollicks.

Of-Irish-Descent Analogue – Taylor Lautner

He’s got the smouldering good looks down for sure. What a shame they’re buried in the tiny plastic face of a Ken doll, and married to the kind of acting skills last seen on MTV’s The Hills- A bright, Oscar-filled future awaits!

Hugh Jackman

Fist seen playing Curly in Oklahoma, it doesn’t get much more Of-Irish-Descent than a real live cowboy does it?? Jackman then hammered home his all-Of-Irish-Descent status by appearing as..erm..the Canadian Wolverine! And Leopold, Duke of Westminster! Erm…to be fair, we haven’t really thought this one through properly have we…

Of-Irish-Descent analogue: Eric Bana

Yep, this one is absolutely Of-Irish-Descent! 100% positive. Except in ‘Chopper’ obviously. And ‘The Beast’. Shite, we’re going to have to go with Treat Williams instead aren’t we?

Gary Oldman

One of the lesser species of Of-Irish-Descent thespians, Gary covers up his blatantly cockney drawl with squawking southern warblings at every available opportunity, only reverting to type as Syrius Black, but hey, that can be explained away by magic right? As Of-Irish_descent as a dyed green apple pie.

Of-Irish-Descent analogue: James Woods

Almost as adept at whispering and looking vaguely inscrutable, Woods never quite manages the ‘explosive shouting and Scotch drinking’ combo required of the true Of-Irish-Descent acting experience. Although he did once manage to shag a TV set after doing the sex with an ex-Playboy bunny, which is pretty darned close!

Well, a pretty good turn out for the Of-Irish-Descent actors today, with a massive 1 of them them actually having some measure of Blarney floating near their family to be sure! To mis-quote Phil Lynott: Is there anyone in the audience with any Irish in them tonight?

No. No there isn’t.

Robert Schwentke obviously faced a tough job adapting Niffenegger’s rich, layered novel for the screen, and while it often feels both lacking in depth and overcrowded, Hapless Time-Jumper Henry’s struggle to build a relationship with Clare, remains intact, and it’s here that the film genuinely scores points.

Make no mistake, there’s an awful lot crammed into a running time just short of 110 minutes, and some fairly important nuances are lost. The trailer’s hinted that it may be an overly sentimental cut and paste job, and this is unfortunately often true. The already complex narrative deserving far more breathing room than it’s given.

Luckily for Schwentke, Eric Bana and Rachel McAdams are pitch-perfect. Their conviction anchoring a genuinely compelling and often very moving old fashioned love story, which will surely strike a note with anyone who has ever been involved in a long distance relationship. The performances ring with honesty and display two fantastic performances that are gripping without ever resorting to unnecessary pyrotechnics.

The direction itself echoes this, being competent and un-showy, and while the photography may have more than a hint of Hollywood treacle about it, it never becomes too intrusive, resulting in a tale that, despite the obvious McGuffin, doesn’t feel constructed.

A perfectly cast, if workmanlike adaptation that unfortunately lacks the elegance and depth of the novel, The Time Traveller’s Wife is still a solid love story worthy of consideration.