Basically, you already knew that we’d love this didn’t you? For one thing it’s got Statham in it, which means it’s already head and shoulders above 99% of stuff on our Lovefilm list.

Add in Stallone, Willis, and surprisingly intelligent (PHD in Biological Physics apparently…) terrible Punisher Dolph Lundgren, and you can’t really go wrong.

Can you?

As far as the action goes this is top notch, each expendable gets a chance to show their trademark brawling style, so for Statham it’s bone-crunching urban smackdowns, Li shows of his devastating wushu prowess, and big Sly…well, he fires a big gun and goes “waaaaaaarggggghh!!!” in a vaguely unninteligibl maner.
And here’s the problem.

Back in the 80’s (and on into the 90’s) this type of balls-out, blow-shit-up-fuck-asking-questions-later explodathons never promised even a hint of characterisation. You didn’t even really want a plot. You wanted Chuck Norris kicking someone’s windpipe off.

This is basically a complete retread of that formula, and on those dated terms it’s awesomely successful. Watching Statham fire a huge howitzer from the nose of a dive-bombing plane is amazing, the effects are, for the most part, physical, and all the better for it. Shit blows up, people fly through the air, and when we’re finally treated to Arnie, Sly and Willis sharing the screen (and not once talking about hamburgers), there are some genuine fanboy thrills to be had. I mean, they never actually do anything but talk, but hey, it’s cool to see them all up there anyway.

Now who's got the nicest hat?

Willis however, sums up the problem here, making wry comments about the amount of dick-measuring going on in the room, he unfortunately points out something the Expendables does it’s darndest to ignore. Movies have come a long way since the 80’s.

For good or ill, we now expect some semblance of plot glueing things together. If a director ignores this, then we end up with crap like G.I.Joe, an unfortunately there’s often just a touch too much “Who would win in a fight” going on and not quite enough story.

Of course, one of the things that made al those old flicks so cool was their resolute straight-facedocity. Even king of the zingers Arnie would dial it down and impart lines like ‘Stick Around’ with the deadliest of serious expressions, and it was these moments that really made the movie.

Once Die Hard came along…well, all that changed. Suddenly all that stuff became knowing. And it continues here. The trouble is, a lot of the guys on screen aren’t really up to irony. Sure Mickey Rourke takes a poke at acting here, but he’s an awkward fit. In short, there’s a huge pile of charisma up there, but it just can’t do much with the slightly lumpen dialogue, and things get dragged down as a result, the whole thing never quite as gloriously ridiculous as we’d been imagining.

Sly is certainly a competent action director, and here there are some great set pieces, although he really needs to reexamine his choice of cinematographers. The mercenary team may get beaten black and blue throughout, but it would be nice if the same couldn’t be said for the visuals.

Overall this is fast and fun enough to get away with most of it’s foibles, but in assembling such an awe-inspiring action cast, Stallone seems to have taken short cuts on dialogue and exposition that the modern filmgoer may not be ready to put up with.

But what the hell, don’t go in expecting hamlet, go in expecting Dolph Lundgren sticking someone on a spike and its all good.

Fig 1: Not Wearing Any Pants Under Here....

Movie heroes – you wish you were like that right? Kicking ass and taking names? You’d be so cool wouldn’t you?
Well, actually, no you wouldn’t. You’d be a boorish dickweed.

We’re not even talking about slimy Matthew Mconaughey rom-com assholes here either, in fact it seems that the cooler you look on-screen, the more of a spaz you’d be in real life. Men hate them, women can’t wait to escape them – we consider how well your big screen archetypes would cope in real life and quickly discover they’d be useless twats…

Han Solo

Oh sure, Han seems cool doesn’t he? With his flashy spaceship, hanging out with Billy Dee Williams. But seriously, would you hire him to tarmac your driveway? He turns up wearing skinny jeans and a waistcoat-attire completely unsuitable for manual labour- with an obviously intimidating ‘friend’, and demands half the cash up front. Then as soon as the cops wander past he drops the job halfway through, and when you go to complain, he shoots you!

Tyler Durden

So, you meet this geezer on a plane and make a bit of polite chat. Hey, you’re going to be sitting together for four hours – you might as well get along right? What does this charity-shop clad underwear model do? He rips into you for making a bad joke, forces you to give him all your cash, gets you involved with criminals, and steals your girlfriend! Got a problem with that? He and his fat friends will blow up your house- actually blow it up over a difference of opinion. What an asshole.

James Bond

In he stalks, all expensive suits and hairplugs. “Fancy a beer mate?” You politely enquire. No, he wants a fucking martini. He critiques your taste, despite having none of his own – if he’s not going on about his bloody Omega watch or his Aston, it’s “that’s as bad as listening to The Beatles – without wearing earmuffs”. You grin and bear it until he leaves, which he does – by kicking a hole in your kitchen window after drowning your French exchange student in the kitchen sink. Let’s face it, he’s a complete cock.

Bruce Wayne

“Oh, I don’t think finding a table for me and the two Eastern European prostitutes I’ve bought to a formal dinner with my estranged girlfriend will be a problem – I own the hotel.”

What a complete wanker.

John McClaine

So, he’s stalking his estranged wife across the country when there’s a hostage situation downtown. What does Johnny boy do? He’s a policeman remember, so he should know to keep quiet and negotiate. Nope. Despite the fact there’s a hundred innocent people at risk, he punches a guy in the throat and starts firing a gun in the air, blatantly putting everyone at risk. When the authorities arrive, he blasts a gun in the air at them, swears in front of children, drinks heavily and racially abuses people outside their own homes. No wonder his kids hate him.

We’re back.

This week the topic for debate is the sightly contrived ‘Top Characters & Supporting Characters From 80s Movies.’

We talk about Mr Strickland for Back to the Future, Howard The Duck, Weird Science – both the movie and little know TV series – Die Hard, Teen Wolf and Beverly Hills Cop 2.

We also take a weird detour into a post-apocalytic future, lorded over by cricket playing Australians.

We’re over on iTunes – so we suggest you head over there and subscribe!