Far be it from us to make any ‘hammer time’ jokes at this point, but Thor really is shaping up to be our favourite movie of the year. God only knows if Brannagh can make any of this seem even remotely realistic, but to be honest who gives a shit? Giants, hammers, an eight foot tall killer space robot and Natalie Portman. That’s how you make a movie my friends!

Yet more superheroics on STS today, as Thor and Cap are joined by the less well-regarded (at least, inside the Marvel Universe) mutant heroes The X-Men. Here’s the first trailer for upcoming X-Men: First Class (we covered it before, but frankly got a bit distracted by a certain ex-MadMen star..), and it looks -not nearly as bad as we’d thought.

Sure the uniforms are dorky, but have enough 60s flair that they feel real enough, and Magneto’s younger cape/buckethead combo really does resemble his 60s comic counterpart -as does the storyline. Longtime comic fans will recall that the X-Men first encounter the deadly master of magnetism as he invades a missile base…

Whether or not this will work sans a certain razor-clawed mutton chopped killing machine remains to be seen, but based on this it could be some fun classic era espionage action.

Slashing The Seats knows bugger-all about sport, but this Sunday’s Superbowl between.. oh, I don’t know, the Arizona Mongooses and the New York Serengeti Gazelles… did cough up a few interesting bits and pieces. Not, unfortunately another Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction (although we did notice that Christina agulera missed out a whole verse of a certain national anthem -top work there Chris), but rather a bunch of trailers for this summers biggest movies!
While Pirates of the carribean 4 made a strong showing, STS is way more dorky than you, so here’s some new sneak peeks at Marvel’s mighty Avengers -Thor and old wingnut himself -Cdaptain America!

Strangely enough, the web has been full of discontent about Andrew Garfield’s distinctly undernorished look as Spidey recently, but judging by this peek at shooting, he (or his stunt double) are certainly going to provide an action packed take on Marvel’s wall-crawling everyman.

Slashing The Seats had it’s editorial trolls whipped long into the night, but even they couldn’t come up with a witty pun based around January Jones’ bosoms and the phrase ‘you can’t make an omelette without breaking some X’. Instead, you’ll just have to settle for this first peek at her in a ridiculously saucy Emma frost outfit, along with the rest of Matthew Vaughn’s super-groovy 1960’s X-Men.

Although Ms.Jones does a fine job on her own, the line up is filled out by Michael Fassbender as ‘no need for Grecian 2000′ Magneto, Rose Byrne as the frankly crap character Moira MacTaggert, Jason Flemyng as Azazel (nope, we don’t know either), Nicholas Hoult as Beast, Lucas Till as Cyclops’ brother Havok, Zoe Kravitz as Angel, Jennifer Lawrence blueing-up as Mystique, and a surprisingly hirsute James McAvoy as Professor X.

Whether or not the slightly off-canon mix of characters will add up to a great movie remains to be seen, but those old-school jumpsuits have got our hopes up for something a little better than The Last Stand.

We don’t normaly do straight to DVD fare here at STS (unless it’s a really gnarly gore-fest of course), but until Ryan Reynolds decides to show us his ring there’s a distinct lack of superpowered action on screens at the moment, and DC’s animation department is currently firing them out like a lone baby rocketing away from an exploding planet, so we figured we’d take a look.

And anyway, it’s my blog and I like comic books, so balls to you….

Despite the relatively stellar cast (take a bow geek princess Summer Glau), this latest attempt to capture the exploits of various members of the Justice League is plagued with problems that DC just don’t seem to be able to expel from their animated DVD movies.

The characterisation always seems a little too wooden, the animation stifling. While on TV Batman has been a great success in his various animated outings (Check out the wilfully wacky ‘Brave & The Bold’ if you get a chance), here he comes over as a stilted kiljoy, with his few attempts at levity appearing forced. I know that warming to the character is hardly the point, but here he comes off as an innefective jackass – and don’t even get me started on Superman.

Plot-wise ‘Apocalypse’ sees Supes’ cousin Kara crashing on Earth, unable to control her new powers she causes mayhem on the streets of Gotham city before Kal-El finally shows up to rocket her off to the fortress of solitude. A quick scene-change later and she’s been dumped on Wonder Woman’s amazonian island, learning the ways of the warrior.

All well and good, but the problem is that everyone’s so overly-earnest they become instantly unlikeable. As a child you may have dreamt of one day joining the JLA, but based on this evidence, they’re a bunch of boring sourpusses with little to say. Superman is supposed to embody all that’s finest about the human spirit, but is instead consistantly sanctimonious and..well…rather boring.

Then there’s the villain.

Darkseid (pronounced Darkside. But spelt differently…for..erm…some reason) is a hangover from Jack Kirby’s psychadelic 70’s, a mad god reigning over a prison planet populated by harridens and war-demons.

Basically, he’s a right loony.

Unfortunately Andre Brougher’s vocals just don’t seem up to the task, rendering him unnafecting and unconvincing as a threat.

The plotting and pace are a little muddled and the final battle is just too compact. One of the great things about animation is the ability to do anything, but here the movements are blocky and slow-paced, meaning the fights come over as underwhelming and we’re never quite convinced of the sheer power we’re supposed to be witnessing.

By Saturday morning cartoon show standards this is reasonable enough, but as a premiere offering from DC it falls sadly short.

One for the kids rather than the lifelong fanboy in your life.

After it’s debut at last weekend’s comicon, there was some major buzz about Kenneth Branagh’s upcoming take on Marvel’s resident god of thunder, The Mighty Thor, and based on this sizzle reel it isn’t hard to see why. Dealing in bright, bold colours and explosive action, Branagh seems to have nailed the cod-shakesperian dialogue and borderline campy tone that characterised the classic comics.

Whether (or should that be ‘weather’?) or not Thor’s powers will match those of his in-print incarnation remains to be seen, but so far it looks as though we’ll be in for an overblown cross between Henry IV and Flash Gordon. That can’t be bad can it?

(Via io9)

Hammer Time!

Ahead of this weekend’s San Diego Comicon, Marvel has decided to sneak out some images from upcoming superheroic blockbusters Thor and Captain America: The First Avenger – and they look pretty awesome!
Previously released screenshots show Thor is staying fairly close to his current Earth 616 look (wiki it non-fanboys!), and it’s pleasing to see that his half-brother Loki, the Norse god of mischief, will be keeping his iconic horned helmet on the big screen.

Cap meanwhile get’s a more realistic chainmail-free look obviously based on his appearance in the company’s ‘Ultimates’ comics line. The Ultimates has already proven a rich seam for Marvel’s movie division, influencing everything from Iron Man’s beard to The Hulk’s helicopter drop, meaning we can hopefully expect a surprisingly grim, if over the top take on the star spangled avenger.

While we still aren’t quite convinced that Michael Cera and his fishbowl bouffant are fully dickish enough to play young Scott in Edgar’s upcoming super geekout, we’re still kinda excited about what exactly it will look like, and judging from this new UK one-sheet, it should at least have some amazing haircuts – and hey, that’s all we go to the movies for anyway isn’t it?

The Green Hornet already has a pretty jumpy production history, with rumours of the suits being none too pleased by the direction the Seth Rogen actioner was taking. Well, the first trailer just arrived on Apple, so now we can judge for ourselves. It’s certainly a mixed bag, the tone seems to suggest an odd mix of Rogen’s usual comedy butting heads with a much more serious Batman-esque actioner, although Gondry’s visuals and some of the effects are certainly striking.

What do you think? We’re reserving judgement for now, but could this be an all-out actioner with gags in the style of Die Hard, or is it too knowing and silly for it’s own good?

Jonah Hex

Oh dear oh dear. Remember Ghost Rider? Rubbish wasn’t it? A badly CGI’d Nic Cage rolling about and taking down crappy MTV villains while comedy Hammer Horror mist floated about and Sam Neill did lots of expositional mumbling. Bloody awful. In it’s favour though, it was undeniably fun. Cage and the crew obviously realising the sheer stupidity of the material and the script and just rolling with it, adding a charm that made it far more enjoyable than it had any right to be. Suffice to say, Jonah Hex leaves its sense of humour at the door….

Fig 1: YES!

Now, Jonah Hex has a particularly weird history, even taking into consideration the fact that he inhabits a universe who’s biggest export is a grown man in a giant blue baby grow. Hex started life as a run-of-the-mill cowboy, then turned up in a godawful tech-noir postapocalyptic setting, then went all black magicky and weird, and now comes full circle. Now, before we get on to the film proper, lemme axe yous a question: If you had an ultraviolent western on the drawing board, who would you turn to? Maybe Scorcese could do something with it? How about Clint? No..no..wait..it’s coming to me..YES! It has to be Jimmy Hayward. Whaddaya mean who? He directed ‘Horton Hears A Who!’ stoopid! He’s be perfect!

God alone knows what goes on in Hollywood boardrooms, but whatever it is, it hasn’t got much to do with making quality movies. So, Our Jonah is a badass scarfaced bugger with the power of life and death over evil-doers, a Megan Fox shaped love interest and a presidential price on his head. Now I’m no expert, but seriously, you’d have to work pretty damn hard to make those ingredients taste bad wouldn’t you? But try as he might, Hayward and associates have somehow produced a cake made out of shit, that no amount of American Gothic icing is going to save.

To be fair, things do start fairly promisingly, we get short busrts of a super-mean Josh Brolin facing off against a Civil War terrorist (naturally, it has to be a terrorist…)in what looks like it might be a really good supernatural western. It isn’t. Instead an admmitedly game Brolin spits out ridiculous dialogue as he grieves for his wife and child, and there’s actually a pretty interesting back story there -Jonah kills big bad Confederate General’s son, big bad Confederate general kills Jonah’s family and tries to offf Hex too, only to have him come back with spooky supernatural powers and become ever-more consumed with revenge, espousing all human contact. Except Megan Fox in her sweaty underwear obviously. Well – you would, wouldn’t you?

Fig 2: NO!

Anyway, for some sort of reason, president Ulysses S Grant has decided that Hex and his sweaty other half are the best people to take down the aforementioned terrorist, Hex hoping to redeem his sense of honour through revenge in the process. Unfortunately the film seems to forget about most of this about 30 minutes in, instead concentrating on rolling from one overloaded action sequence to the next. All this would probably still be forgiveable if we got an interesting leading man or some semblance of commitment.

Instead Hex is wiped of his comic-book anti-hero roots and becomes another faceless mouthpiece for a bunch of badly thought out one-liners. It’s Judge Dredd all over again. The producers are also obviously hell-bent on preserving their all-important PG-13 rating as well, cutting away from on screen killing, meaning the action sequences amount to a lot of barrels exploding and men leaping through the air. Seriously, The A-Team was more violent (and I don’t mean the recent remake). If there’s one thing that could have saved Hex, it would have been willingness on Hayward’s part to just really go for it. I don’t know about you, but if I’m offered a supernatural western with a demented, scarred and cursed hero, I want to really see that blood. I want arms being blown off, severed heads, horses being chopped in half. What I get is some sub-Wild Wild West theatrics and a meandering storyline with plot holes you could stampede a herd of broncos through. Even John Malkovitch -normally eminently reliable in the cackling villain stakes, seems bored and confused.

Jonah Hex is a short film that feels over-long, with some terrible performances that can’t be saved by Brolin’s well-meant attempts. The editing and photography is overly slick, the violence watered down and pointless. In all, it’s a massively wasted opportunity and another example of cut n’ pate filmmaking that needs to be outlawed.

Anyone order a steampunk/magical western with added physical deformity and Megan Fox? F**K Yeah!

Yep, It’s the new trailer for DC Comic’s latest, Jonah Hex.

The slightly-alternate universe western certainly stirred up some fan interest at it’s comic-con preview, but it’s hard to judge whether this will be Wild Wild West or Desperado -either way, hey -it’s got Megan Fox in a corset, what more do you want?
Jonah Hex is released on June 18th.

In seems a bunch of people aren’t too pleased that Iron Man 2 isn’t all it cracked up to be, and it seems the super-heroic ire has quickly spread to Stark’s fellow Avengers – news reaching us today that there’s a right mythical kerfuffle being kicked up over some of the casting in Kenneth Brannagh’s Thor film. Surprisingly, fans aren’t up in arms over the giant piece of corn known as Chris Hemsworth appearing as the God of Thunder ( a role surely reserved for Gene Simmons circa 1978), but the casting of The Wire survivor Idris Elba as Heimdall, guardian of the Rainbow Bridge.

Now, to be perfectly fair to the critics, Idris may be a slightly off-centre choice. He is after all, a black, English actor who will need to bulk up considerably to play a Nordic god possessed with cosmic vision. He’s also a bloody good actor, with a range taking in everything from London’s Burning to Buffalo Soldiers, with enough time left over to make the aforementioned Stringer Bell one of the most enduring TV characters of all time. Basically, he’s great, so it’s pretty disgusting in this day and age to find quotes like this popping up:

“This PC crap has gone too far Norse deities are not of an African ethnicity! It’s the principle of the matter. It’s about respecting the integrity of the source material, both comics and Norse mythologies.”

Frankly, Marvel Comics have always been happy to have multicultural characters and while there may be some irony lurking in the choice of Elba playing ‘The Whitest of all Gods’, the mythological tales include White (as in, actually, Tipp-Ex, frost giant white), red (as in Surtur: Fire Giant red) and black (as in Hel: Ebon Mistress of The Underworld) denizens, with a healthy dose of fratricide and animal cruelty thrown in, so Politically Correct isn’t really a claim that will stick.

In his unneeded defence, Elba told, of all people, the TV Times:

“There has been a big debate about it: can a black man play a Nordic character? Hang about, Thor’s mythical, right? Thor has a hammer that flies to him when he clicks his fingers. That’s OK, but the colour of my skin is wrong?”

Frankly if King Henry IV doesn’t have a problem with it, then neither do we. Brannagh is above all, a man who knows about acting. Fans didn’t have a problem with a black Kingpin in Daredevil, and there weren’t even that many who moaned when Will Smith was mooted as Captain America. While we wouldn’t want to label objectors racist – there are plenty of other reasons to hate a casting choice after all -there does seem to be something of a groundswell in that direction (particularly from idiots like the Pan-Aryan Network – feel free to spam them).

How about we watch the thing first before we start shrieking about casting choices? This is after all, about an actor’s ability to make us believe in a character –even a magic Viking who can see to the end of the universe, and if someone as talented as Elba can’t manage it, then the whole project is in big trouble before it gets started.

What better place than the vast temple of Mammon men refer to as London’s Westfield shopping centre to settle in and check out a movie about a billionaire show-off. Make no mistake, Iron Man 2 is all about the bling.

Unfortunately, it isn’t really about anything else.

Where the first movie gave us a former hellraiser as a cocky, likeable..er..hellraiser, here we get to see all the bits we hate about rich guys like that. All the dazzle, all the showing off -in short, all the style over substance…

Back in 2008, Iron Man continued down the path mapped out by the X-Men and Spider-Man movies (We’ll ignore the Fantastic Four for now) and did what fans had been telling studios to do all along; Read the comic and stop trying to change it. There’s a reason these characters have remained popular for 40 years.
Favreau did a great job transferring Tony Stark’s flawed, egotistical super hero to the screen – lack of credible villain aside – Iron Man is a great movie. Unfortunately the director has possibly taken too many notes when watching Sam Raimi’s Spidey flicks, following the rocky route set by Spider-Man 3 and trying to cram way too much of that four-decade long continuity into the 2 hour running time, with borderline disastrous results.

I’m sorry guys, but after all the hype, all the great looking trailers, and all the shots of Scarlett Johanssen’s bottom, this is a massive disappointment.

With large chunks of screen time taken up by the enlarged cast, there’s a lack of focus on Stark himself, often leaving a muddled and confusing mess flashing in front of your eyeballs. While the newly sex-changed Whiplash (seriously -his comic book alter ego was an amazonian lesbian terrorist…) looks great, Mickey Rourke seems to have reverted to default, showing none of the villainous, downbeat charm that worked so well in Spun or The Wrestler, while even the always value for money Sam Rockwell struggles to make an impact as rival industrialist Justin Hammer. It’s not that he doesn’t work hard, but he’s written in such broad strokes that he seems..well…like a comic-book villain.

For Downey Jnr there’s some room to manoeuvre; a subplot about his technology affecting his health could be interesting -although it’s a cowardly get-out when you consider the alcoholism storyline it stems from – but is only alluded to before the focus whips off to check out James Rhodes in his new War Machine armour, or Hammer’s monstrous military models. Stark fails to engage the way he did previously, and is far less likeable because of it.

Sure, there’s plenty of explosions, but the editing and distinct lack of anything approaching characterisation means the whole thing suffers from a huge case of the Transformers halfway through. Yes, it’s cool to watch guys in super-suits blow shit up. What isn’t so cool is that you quickly realise you don’t know who’s in what suit or why they exploding things, and then you stop giving a crap.
It’s just too much. Look at the bad guys;

Hammer -Industrialist. Wants the armour to make money and is a bit jealous of Stark. Fair enough, but it hardly seems like motivation for murdering hundreds of people does it?

Next up, Whiplash. Why does he hate Stark? God knows. And the director isn’t telling. Hell, he isn’t even telling us why Tony Stark is taking part in an F1 race when Whiplash attacks. I guess it just looked cool huh John?

Finally, there’s a senate committee -led by fucking Gary Shandling of all people – who want to steal his secrets as well. Basically, their motivation seems to be that they’re THE GODDAMNED US GOV’MENT BOY! And that’s it.

So; three unbelievable villains, two love interests, One under-developed sub-plot and some guff about War Machine to further confuse matters.

And of course about five minutes of actual footage showing Iron Man, the constant to-ing and fro-ing reducing the Golden Avenger to minor character status.

Seriously, he shows up four times -once at a hideously flag-waving Stark Expo, once for a poorly explained meeting with Nick Fury, and for a couple of battles- one with Whiplash, one mind-and-arse-numbingly extended one alongside War Machine.

To sum up; Marvel had greater creative control, the cast are all strong actors, and Favreau has always produced decent work in the past, so what went wrong remains a mystery, but it’s one that needs to be solved quickly if we’re to hold out hope for Joss Wheedon’s Avengers, or even Iron Man 3. This is all flash and bang, with none of the neat fanboy winks that fleshed out the original.

Strongly in need of a reboot, Iron Man 2 is as confused and disillusioned as its protagonist. With some judicious re-editing and an extended running time there’s hope come director’s cut time, but the suit needs some serious retooling if we’re expected to shell out to see old shell head a third time.

Say hello to your new favourite movie.

Writer Mark Millar may be following fellow comic book illuminati Warren Ellis down the path toward self-referential hell, but if you’re unfamiliar with his unique take on four-colour heroics, or indeed have only encountered him through the medium of the ultra-watered-down ‘Wanted’ before (An Evil Loom! What the hell were they thinking…) then you’re in for a fantastic ride….

For any mainstream movie-goer, Kick Ass is a shockingly violent and unapologetic blood-fest with some fantastically inventive kills and enough Marvel Comics meta references to make fanboys everywhere cream in their Trek uniforms.
While it may bring down the wrath of conservative tabloid journalists, Kick Ass is above all else, self-aware, it’s violence so heroically improbable that that the only sensible reaction is to laugh and revel in the Tarantino-esque bloodletting.

Director vaughn has thankfully worked outside the studio system and bought a vibrantly faithful rendition of Millar’s work to the screen, sticking closely to the comic book’s deconstructionalist take on Spider-Man and not shying away from the wonderful primary colours. There’s no attempt to make this more ‘adult’ or – god forbid -’grim n’ gritty’ and it’s better for it. Kick Ass as a comic was almost wilfully stupid at times, taking the all-too-familiar ‘nerdy teen fights crime’ as Parker-alike Dave Lizewski pumps iron, straps on a wetsuit and has a crack at local evil-doers. And get’s his ass handed to him on a regular basis. Until that is, his attempts at heroism wind him up in deep with the local mob, and -fetishists aside -meets up with some fellow costumed do-gooders who may not be all they seem.

This interaction with new-found best friend Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) and the clearly psychotic Big Daddy and Hit Girl are often the most fun parts of the movie, as the two young heroes cruise in the ‘mist-mobile’, enjoying their newfound celebrity while Big Daddy’s ‘Punisher with a daughter’ team spend their time chopping up local Mafioso’s in a variety of disgusting ways -with predictably tragic results.

It’s not perfect, and there are more than a few rather pointless script digressions which is surprising given the involvement of Jane Goldman – wife of uber-nerd Jonathan Ross – which undermine some of the more fun elements of the script. In the movie, Dave pretends he’s gay to get close to a girl he fancies, and gets laid. The comic book is truer to life -he gets beaten up by her boyfriend.

And then there’s Hit-Girl. Chloe Moretz is great, and sure to be adorning a million fat goth’s T-Shirts in a month or two (pre-order yours from the hot Topic website now you loser), so the blame for her failure has to lie squarely at the feet of Millar and Goldman. There’s just too much concern with making her over-the-top violence funny here, robbing it of many of the genuine chuckles the comic book handled with panache. On paper, this is fun, on screen..it comes off as slightly snide and too knowing, but taken in the right spirit it’s still a thoroughly entertaining performance.

Oh, and Americans should just give up trying to use the word ‘cunt’.

You can’t do it guys-stick with Motherfucker.

There’s also the addition of Mark Strong’s super-villain which is pretty needless but actually works well thanks to to the actor’s sterling work – it will certainly be interesting to see what he does with the patently absurd Sinestro in the upcoming Green Lantern flick.

All in all it’s a perfectly-pitched mix that balances somewhere between Tim Burton’s Batman, Spider-Man and Aqua Teen Hunger Force for sheer idiocy – a fast, fun, ultra-violent flick that shows you exactly what would happen if you decided to leap off the top of a tall building in a single bound.

Try not to think too hard about it and you’re in for one of the best cinema experiences of the year.

Emerging bleary-eyed from the Mighty Marvel Bullpen today, it’s the new trailer for Iron Man 2, and it’s…fantastic! Geeky nods to 3rd tier Marvel charactors and plot lines abound (Armor Wars anyone?) while the levels of steel-pounding action go through the roof. All that and an AC/DC soundtrack as well -you can’t go wrong! Get your ass over to Apple for more info before the May release.

It seems that director Joe Johnston has been using his post-Wolfman time wisely, bypassing regional premieres in favour of homing in on a lead for The First Avenger: Captain America.
Chatting to Marvel.com, Johnston says he expects to announce a lead in the next fortnight.

“We need to cast it soon,” said Johnston. “We have a very short list, but we’re still juggling actors here. I’d say within the next couple of weeks we’ll have ourselves a Captain America, I hope.”

Sam Worthington was most recently linked to the star-spangled spandexer, but it’s unclear whether the grunting half-wall half SHOUTING ACTOR has made the shortlist. Tyrese still appears to be in the running for the role of proto-super soldier Isaiah Bradley.

Despite some shouting from fanboys – and speculation that the plot may include Marvel’s dodgy Brit-hero Union Jack – Johnston is still set on filming in the UK, which given the WWII period piece that’s been mooted, makes perfect sense, with Marvel’s head honcho Kevin Fiege claiming it will be
“One of the most international films we’ve done”. So Europe-wide Nazi-crushing super-carnage then – this can only be a good thing.

Tony Stark may get an all-new weaponised tin can to play in Iron Man 2 – not to mention back up from War Machine – but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a cautious type. Obviously not itching to become cannon fodder – or given the plot, whip-fodder – it seems we’ll be treated to a series of ‘Battle Drone’ suits as well – and our friends over at Diamond Toys Select have seen them all. And made teeny-tiny little models of them!

Now you too can experience the unique pleasure of inflicting battle-damage on a massive suit of armour armed only with a candle (or pulling Gwyneth Paltrow’s head off – whatever floats your boat ya weirdy ). Now if we can just figure out who the figure in black below is….

More reasons to get excited – the new theatrical trailer for Kick-Ass! All set to preview at this year’s SXSW, a movie with a nine-year-old assassin and Nic Cage killing people while wearing his wife’s mascara can’t be all bad can it?

Here at STS we spend way too much time reading comic books, so when a creator-owned property like Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World makes it’s way through the Holly-mangler we’re always concerned.

Luckily if this fantastic first look (courtesy of our friends over at the ever-lovin’ UltraCulture) is anything to go by, we needn’t have worried – This looks incredible!

SPVTW _ as it shall henceforth be known – details Michael Cera’s attempts to defeat his true love’s seven evil ex-boyfriends. With a flaming sword naturally.

If this is anything to go by then Edgar Wright is making a great job of some truly bizarre casting as Cera doles out some truly hardcore ass-kickery – expect a release date to be anounced soon.

In terms of what you’d want to see at your local cinema, most of the movies coming in 2010 rank just below “dropping your Oscar Meyer hot Dog on the floor”.

Well, worry not faithful cineaste, for now we come to some slabs of celluloid you might actually want to see…and discover the law of diminishing returns is still very much in effect.

Wipe the popcorn from your beard and join us then, as we realise we’ve got piss-all to look forward to this summer, in part three of our amazingly awful 2010 movie round-up!!

11: Alice in Wonderland.

Sigh. Go on then. Put on your stripy knee socks, home-dye your hair blue. Have a blast. I once met Helena Bonham-Carter you know, and she looks exactly like this in real life!

Expect Jonny Depp to trade on the fact that he’s finally at that age where men start looking like your slightly creepy maternal aunt -and wonder if he can expect a promising career awaits in the inevitable musical version of ‘Pushing Daisies’ : Altogether now
“ A pie? A pie! A magiiiicalll pie of the undeeeeeaaaadddddd…” Practically writes itself.

Anyhoo, one for your inner goth this one, cover yourself in soot and enjoy.

12: Cop Out

So, it was called ‘A Couple of Dicks’ , but then Hollywood hearthrob and all -round (in every sense of the word) ice cream fan Kevin Smith wussed right out on us and changed it. This from a man who built a career based on dick n’ fart jokes. Backed up by Bruce Willis. Sigh.

Expect Willis to smirk and wisecrack, and make an uncommonly high number of Aquaman references as he and My name is Earl chase down a baseball card or something equally stupid.

13:The Book Of Eli

Oh Denzel. For every Oscar-tempter there’s a load of old quasi-mystical gobledegook isn’t there? We can only assume that the American Gangster star has made some unholy Mephistolean bargain that forces him to pop up in crap like Fallen every other year.

Anyway, this is something to do with a magic book and Gary Oldman. After the Apocalypse. Because that was cool three years ago.

14: Paul

Part the third of Pegg and Frost’s Cornetto trilogy. Plot? Well, obviously jumping over a fence will play a pivotal role, but in an effort to find out more the professional researchers in our office checked out little-known website Wikipedia, which had the following to say:

Two British comic book geeks (Pegg and Frost) go on a road trip through America. On the way, they discover an alien named Paul (voiced by Seth Rogen) at Area 51.

Sounds good doesn’t it? If you’re a complete dick machine. Or worse, read student magazines and laugh at them. Proof positive that pegg should be shot from a photon torpedo tube at the earliest opportunity.

15: Iron Man II

Like the first film but with extra Martinis and Mickey Rourke doing that thing he does instead of acting. I once met Fenriz from legendary black Metal band Darkthrone in a bar, and he told me that Mickey Rourke was cooler than Bruce Willis.

Basically what I’m saying is that if you like Mickey Rourke or think he’s good, then you are gay for Black Metal bands. Anyway, in this he plays a lesbian super criminal (honestly – look, here she is fighting Spider-Man) Whiplash.

It’ll probably be quite good, but not as good as Thor. Possibly.

16:Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Not to be confused with Cameron’s tale of the owl and the 3D alien pussycat from 2009 –although we’re hoping that confusion will guide a few more hapless fools this way – this airbender is the wiggly, wandery based-on-a-weird-Chinese-cartoon story of a small, bald dude and some other kids messing about in a badly thought out mystical world with added M.Night Shitealogue.

Oh-and there’s a huge bison in it too.

Anyway, basically it follows our heroes as they wander hither and thither upon the Earth –which may or may not be our future, hoping some bald midget can be a bigger bender (yes, really) than the current eeeevil overlord.

Almost as bad as The Happening.

17: Season of the Witch

Will it be scary? It’ll certainly be hairy. As Nic Cage continues to display his all-action wig fetish in some cobblers about a night -with a southern accent naturally – transporting an accused witch. A sexy accused witch.

Named after a Donovan song, which leads us to wonder how long before someone films a slasher called Hurdy Gurdy Man.

18:Bitch Slap.

A She-Woman-Girl-Power-vagina-monologue-meets-boob-job-action-comedy pile of shit. Look at those boobies and tell me this really furthers the feminist cause. Anyway, Xena’s in it, so you can admire how big and muscley and just all-round butch she is without having to come all the way out.

Enjoy!

19: Leap Year.

Right, if Amy Adams wanted to marry you, would you refuse?

No, neither would I, but apparently it’s an Irish tradition (it isn’t) that women can propose to dudes on Feb 29th, and if I was an Irish-loving Hollywood Junior exec who was one-thriteenth-Irish-but-not-the-real-kind-the-American-kind, then I’d probably make this movie as well.

Take the ‘My Great-Grand-Uncle once bought a bike from an Irish man which makes me Irish’ idiot in your life and to quote the trailer: “Get ready to lose your mind…”

20: Wolf Man

Vampires? Soooooo last year man. Wolves are ‘Were’ it’s at. Did you see what I did there?!?! I’m wasted on you I really am.

Anyway,Benicio Del Toro somehow manages to be even hairier than he was in The Way of the Gun, while ruthless marketers try to make us forget just how boring the original was.

Well, 2010 looks bloody terrible doesn’t it? Full of crap monsters and awful toupee’s for the most part -to be fair, there are some actually look quite good movies coming up -  the ’suckered you in’ Kick Ass, Hot Tub Time Machine, Youth In Revolt and even ridiculous angel revenge flick Legion has it’s moments – but why should we bring a ray of sunshine into your otherwise miserable lives by mentioning them? We’re not a public service you know. Just be thankful we didn’t mention Wanted 2 (an evil loom, I mean really…) and stay in bed until the Conan reboot arrives.

Happy New year!

A brave new decade awaits us, and what better time for Hollywood to face the future and bring us a bright movie going tomorrow?

Not that it’ll happen of course. Yep, Back To The Future part II predicted that this will be the decade when Max Spielberg steps up to the plate with his 3D Jaws XX, but the STS magic 8-Ball tells us there’s far, far worse than that to come.

Strap on your blinkers and pretend it’s all ok – over the next week we’ll bring you a comprehensive guide to all the ‘fun’ heading your way in 2010 – duck and cover for part one of our cut-out-and-break-your-computer guide!

1: Green Hornet.

Or: Who F***ing Cares? Learning absolutely shit-all from The Spirit, Seth Rogen decides that not only is he all serious and stuff after the awful Funny People, he’s an action hero too! Yep, he sure looks the part, the tubby f***er. Nothing says exciting crime fighter like a gut in a two-piece with a lone ranger mask does it? Add to this the fact that the original series was a load of ill-plotted, rambling, unfunny oh-so-wacky-hey-kids-it’s-the-ker-azy-60’s-man garbage, and Green Hornet is all set to be the biggest turd of the summer. People who think Pineapple Express is good will love it, but that’s because they’re a bunch of morons.

2: The Hardy Men.

Apparently this has been fermenting in the brains of Tom Cruise and Ben Stiller for a while, but frankly we couldn’t even be bothered to find out what it’s about. From the title I’m going with a wacky update on the Hardy Boys, those perennial Nancy Drew pokers, but updated as a hilarious, SNL style sketch a la Starsky and Hutch. That was funny wasn’t it? Is it me or has SNL never, ever, ever produced anything even approaching an amusing sketch? We’re not saying Skit either, because only a c**t would do that.

Proof positive – if it were needed that Stiller should stick to being really, really, ridiculously good looking, and Cruise should go back to planet Mongo and fulfil L.Ron’s mighty plan. No video was available at time of press. And if there was, it would be shit.

3: Clash of The Titans.

That Terminator geezer, in a skirt, with a robot owl for company. Oh, and Greek girls in short skirts, and a bloody great monster or two. This looks like it may be acceptable.

As an aside, every ship ever named Titan, Titanic or Titania has sunk. Every single one – wooooooo spoooooky. Don’t say STS isn’t tops for movie related news!

4: A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Apparently some people are terrified by the thought of someone with quite long arms hanging around outside their house, so this was a natural for the remake treatment.

Unfortunately Jonny Depp won’t be getting his bits chopped off this time round, but it does at least leave the floor open for a remake of Part II in 2011, possibly the most homoerotic movie ever produced. Seriously, check out the clip.

This will be rubbish, and anyone who’s scared of it is a spaz.

5: Black Hole.

Alas, not a remake of the Disney thing with the robots n’ that, this Black Hole instead refers to a graphic novel featuring a sexual disease that gives those infected horrible deformities. So, severe physical handicap combined with the wit of an Ace Frehley solo album – should be a laugh riot eh? Apparently David Fincher is directing, which means he’s taking time out from his other project Heavy Metal to bring us this gumph. Bad David!

Oh – did we mention there’s worse to come? Stay tuned for part 2…

So, you’re a billionaire -you’d probably be sinking a few martini’s as well right? And if you decided to start a sideline in superheroics, then why wear spandex when you have a perfectly good suit of armour full of guns in the basement?
Yep, Stark is back, the Avengers are rolling, and with the arrival of whiplash and longtime Iron enemy Justin Hammer, Iron Man 2 is gearing up to be one of next years brightest and best!

Slashing The Seats are about as excited as it’s possible to get about watching a large man with a hammer shout cod-Shakespearean dialogue at the Mayor of Noo Yawk, but even we raised an eyebrow as new casting rumours hit the interwebs. It seems that the latest shouty ac-tor to catch Thor director Kenneth Brannagh’s eye may in fact be…Bob De Niro!

Yes really! Brannagh does have some history with the ex-Lamotta, following his blundering about in the dreadful Frankenstein, so it is sort-of feasible, but frankly Loki is the only role we think would suit the increasingly demented half-man half-prune.

In addition to this, there are rumblings from AICN that Jude Law may be donning cape and archaic weaponry as well, as he’s certainly the sort of man mountain we can see battling a frost giant…

What do you reckon? A message from the gods? Or a bunch of hoary old Viking crap? Let us know!

Since Iron Man, Spider-Man and The Dark Knight reminded them how succesful comic book movies could be, and with Thor girding his hammer for battle, rubbish-but-marketable X-Man gambit getting a spin-off and Green Lantern about to throw his ring into the…erm…ring.. Hollywood is nutso for capes right now.

Unfortunately they don’t usually get it right, leaving us clutching our popcorn in horror as Catwoman craps all over our fanboy dreams. Luckily, STS is on the case, so here’s a list of characters ripe for the big screen treatment, and a few studios shouldn’t touch with a Kryptonite bargepole!

Yes!: Miracle Man

Starting out as a Captain Marvel rip-off in the 50s, it wasn’t until comic writer ubermensch and all round weirdy beirdy Alan Moore got his hands on the book that Miracleman really came into his own, facing off against atomically-powered sociopathic teenagers, robotic versions of Andy Warhol, gritty scum-style borstals, cloned alien super-dogs, extreme violence and all round grim, gritty deconstructionism – including an alien supervillain with Hitler’s brain that offs most of the cast before someone teleports a steel girder into his skull – this is a book that has it all!

Let’s face it, the R rating didn’t do Watchmen any harm, and we haven’t seen a Nazi’s head explode since Raiders – somebody get Alfonso Cuarón on the phone for a slice of dystopia that’s as grey and mean as it’s 80s British setting.

NO! -Wonder Twins

So, there’s these twins see – they look kinda like Spock – and they’ve got these rings..and they turn into water..uhh..and animals! Oh..and they spend waay to much time with each other, so it’s a bit creepy too. Did I mention they have a cute green alien monkey? Hello? Hello…?

YES! – Transmetropolitan

Patrick Stewart has often lamented being too old to play Spider Jerusalem; the two-fisted, alcoholic crusading journo who made Warren Ellis’ Transmet series completely unmissable. OK, so his powers are limited to scorching penmanship – one article about the new president consists of the word ‘fuck’ written 2000 times in a row.. – and a superhuman appetite for drugs, he’s lured back to a dystopian future City from isolation by the promise of cash, but this prosaic motivation is quickly replaced by a psychotic desire to bait and bring down the ultra-corrupt powers-that-be.

Onscreen The City needs a breathtaking Spielberg makeover; and with citizens consisting of intelligent fog, disenfranchised mutants, people thawed out of cryogenic stasis and left homeless, and brutally corrupt and stupid officials, it would freak the hell out of anyone who thought Avatar looked nice. The only downside is that the complex storyline would be incredibly difficult to fit in a 2 hour movie, even for someone with the editing skills of Spider’s boss Mitchell Royce -HBO series anyone?

NO! – Wonderman

Possibly the most faceless supehero ever created! Wonderman is in reality Simon Williams, an industrialist who becomes a superhero when – get ready for it – he embezzles millions from his own company! Certainly makes a change from that whole “Truth, Justice etc etc “ stuff doesn’t it? In order to further prove his heroism, he allows a Nazi to do experiments on him, and joins the Avangers in order to destroy them! Oh, and has been known to star in both Porn and daytime TV.

Not really a character you can root for is he? Add in a costume-changing fetish that usually includes a safari jacket and he’s box-office kraptonite.

YES! – Steel Spider

OK, so back before comics were cool, they were the sole property of fat, geeky teens, and they knew it. So it was that Marvel decided to go all inclusive and put the fans on the page. The result: Ollie Osnick. Stupidly named and stupidly clever, he’s Doctor Octopus’ biggest fan, even building a set of mech-arms just like his hero! Unfortunately Doc Ock is a crazed sociopath, so Spider-Man soon becomes a rather more healthy role model for the tubby funster, who then sets about a life of rage-filled vigilantiaism, presumably because it’s more interesting.

Sounds stupid right? But get Tim Burton in to direct, cast a fatted-up Christian Bale and you’ve got every aspect of nerdy teen market covered; not to mention tying-in to the hugely profitable Spider-Man movies! Hollywood accountants-get McG in for a meeting on this no-fail cash-cow!

NO! - Hawkman

Batman. He’s quite good isn’t he? How can we improve him/ How about we make him an alien. And replace the bats..with Hawks! We’ll give him a beak, a nonsensical continuity, a love-interest imaginatively called Hawk-Girl, and top it off by arming him with a mace..because that’s probably what aliens would have isn’t it?

Hawkman, hawkman, so dull they killed him twice – and NO ONE NOTICED. His greatest role came in a 90s Baby Ruth advert that screams Jack Black remake.

Hopefully this will keep our screens clean of the worst offenders, but even we can’t be everywhere, so it’s up to you STS-ers; Which caped crusaders do you want to see on screen? Do The Boys float your boat, or do you live in fear of a Crystar remake? Hero’s or Villains, who deserves a shot at Oscar glory? Let us know!

News from the four-colour world this morning, with Ant-Man rumours rife, and a certain Parent company swallowing up the DC Universe like Galactus on a particularly peckish day.

It’s fairly obvious the STS has a speacial (read ‘borderline dangerously obsessive’) relationship with comic book movies, rarely a day passing without one of our staffers donning a towell/paperclip cape and leaping out of the window onto the already messy London streets below. So when our super-hearing (no – we don’t know how it works either…) first picked up news a couple of years ago that Edgar Wright was planning a take on Marvel’s little-known Ant-Man property, we were hooked.

A gruesome horror helmer in charge of a cynical, downbeat comic property? Sounds golden to us, and this morning things move a little closer to completion, with young Edgar spilling the beans over on CHUD about some possible Pixar involvement:

“The news that Pixar is involved is not wholly accurate and a little premature to comment on. I love Pixar’s work more than anyone and indeed would love to collaborate with them. I just spoke to (Marvel’s movie supremo) Kevin Feige for the first time since I wrapped and we are meeting this week to discuss the next phase. It’s been something that I have worked on for over five years on and off. There’s even a treatment I wrote that dates even further back than that.”

’Not wholly accurate’ certainly sounds intriguing, and although things have ground to a temporary halt while Wright works on another comic property, the sublime Scott Pilgrim Vs The World, the thought of the Incredibles boys bringing their particular brand of sparkle to an established super-hero property-particularly one as subversive as Ant-Man – sounds like an enticing prospect. Expect further news on weather this particular ant will spoil the Directors (blood and) Ice Cream trilogy schedule shortly.

Meanwhile there’s massive Cape-based turmoil as Warner Brother’s finally give in to Super Villain megalomania and swallow up DC Comics.

The Batman and Superman parent company have remained a separate arm of WB until now, but with it’s properties struggling for recognition against Marvel Studios – Dark Knight excepted – the newly formed DC Entertainment brand will attempt to increase visibility for lesser known characters, and may even drag The Flash and Wonder Woman out of development hell and into cinemas. According to Warner big cheese Alan Horn:

“It’s no secret that DC has a myriad of rich and untapped possibilities from its deep library of iconic and lesser-known characters, the formation of DC Entertainment will help us bring more DC properties across additional platforms to fans around the world.”

Here at STS we’re hoping this means we finally get to see the so-bad-it-can’t-possibly-exist ‘Haunted Tank’ on our screens-and get to hear Brandon Routh trying to pronounce ‘Mxylzyzylpkt’ in the near future.