Movie heroes – you wish you were like that right? Kicking ass and taking names? You’d be so cool wouldn’t you?
Well, actually, no you wouldn’t. You’d be a boorish dickweed.
We’re not even talking about slimy Matthew Mconaughey rom-com assholes here either, in fact it seems that the cooler you look on-screen, the more of a spaz you’d be in real life. Men hate them, women can’t wait to escape them – we consider how well your big screen archetypes would cope in real life and quickly discover they’d be useless twats…
Han Solo
Oh sure, Han seems cool doesn’t he? With his flashy spaceship, hanging out with Billy Dee Williams. But seriously, would you hire him to tarmac your driveway? He turns up wearing skinny jeans and a waistcoat-attire completely unsuitable for manual labour- with an obviously intimidating ‘friend’, and demands half the cash up front. Then as soon as the cops wander past he drops the job halfway through, and when you go to complain, he shoots you!
Despite all our bright eyed looking to the future lately, here at STS we’re still a bunch of miserable old bastards – a fact resolutely hammered home by the recent news that Jackie Chan is now old enough to play Mr.Miyagi. The greatest Martial artist of our youth – after China O’Brien – reduced to playing a wrinkly Yoda analogue. Add to this the fact that he’s accompanied by Jaden Smith -meaning The Fresh Prince is old enough to have a son -and we can almost hear the undertakers sizing us up as we dodder down the street.
Now, other blogs might try to age with dignity, but inspired by Jackie, we’ve decided to fight the ageing process to the death, and in order to take out such a dastardly opponent, we’ll need the finest martial arts movie makers can possibly conjure! If you made it through that convoluted opening paragraph then you might just be tough enough to check out The Greatest Movie Martial Arts!
Kyle Reese, The T-800, Sarah and John Connor. It looks like global recession may succeed where they all failed and knock out Skynet for good –if a buyer for the Terminator rights can’t be found soon.
“Terminator Salvation: It’s alright I Suppose” Didn’t exactly fire up the box office the way struggling License owners Derek Anderson and Victor Kubicek hoped, and now bankruptcy is a-knocking they’re attempting to flog off the dying horse, despite the franchise seemingly carrying a curse; bankrupting every studio that touches it.
It’s probable whoever picks up the rights will squeeze out another McG/Christian Bale shoutathon, although the future of Warner’s Sarah Connor Chronicles and related spin-offs has been cast into serious shadow.
We here at STS were disappointed in the post-T2 drop-off in killer robot quality, and we’d happily organise a whip round to raise the estimated $60Million value, but unfortunately we’re currently $59,999,997.50 short. Dig deep readers-the future is in your hands.
Unhappy with the direction Terminator has taken? Assuming it’s under new management which direction would you like to see the franchise take?
Michael Mann’s latest has some serious talent backing up a great story with so many sensationalist elements it’s amazing it’s remained so under-represented at the movies until now. This is the story of John Dillinger, the notorious bank robber, gangster and all-round bad egg who alternately terrorised and enthralled 30s America with his criminal exploits.
The story itself is straightforward-ish. John Connor is hunting for Kyle Reese, so he can send him back in time to become his own dad (Hey, I said ‘Ish’ didn’t I?). Meanwhile, executed killer Marcus Wright comes back from the dead (maybe…) post judgement day, to find out he’s super human, or maybe not human at all-they team up, fight the machines and try to save Reese- with me so far?
There’s a lot of heavy (metal) metaphor going on here, with Sam Worthington pumped full of liquid metal making a particular impact. It seems at some point in a production process almost as convoluted as the Terminator series various timelines, somebody decided to give us a parable about mankind’s reliance on, and interaction with, technology. Unfortunately for the viewer, this probably doesn’t test too well, so McG replaces it with a bunch of judder-cam and explosions,while losing anything that made us actually care.
