Fig 1: Not Wearing Any Pants Under Here....

Movie heroes – you wish you were like that right? Kicking ass and taking names? You’d be so cool wouldn’t you?
Well, actually, no you wouldn’t. You’d be a boorish dickweed.

We’re not even talking about slimy Matthew Mconaughey rom-com assholes here either, in fact it seems that the cooler you look on-screen, the more of a spaz you’d be in real life. Men hate them, women can’t wait to escape them – we consider how well your big screen archetypes would cope in real life and quickly discover they’d be useless twats…

Han Solo

Oh sure, Han seems cool doesn’t he? With his flashy spaceship, hanging out with Billy Dee Williams. But seriously, would you hire him to tarmac your driveway? He turns up wearing skinny jeans and a waistcoat-attire completely unsuitable for manual labour- with an obviously intimidating ‘friend’, and demands half the cash up front. Then as soon as the cops wander past he drops the job halfway through, and when you go to complain, he shoots you!

Tyler Durden

So, you meet this geezer on a plane and make a bit of polite chat. Hey, you’re going to be sitting together for four hours – you might as well get along right? What does this charity-shop clad underwear model do? He rips into you for making a bad joke, forces you to give him all your cash, gets you involved with criminals, and steals your girlfriend! Got a problem with that? He and his fat friends will blow up your house- actually blow it up over a difference of opinion. What an asshole.

James Bond

In he stalks, all expensive suits and hairplugs. “Fancy a beer mate?” You politely enquire. No, he wants a fucking martini. He critiques your taste, despite having none of his own – if he’s not going on about his bloody Omega watch or his Aston, it’s “that’s as bad as listening to The Beatles – without wearing earmuffs”. You grin and bear it until he leaves, which he does – by kicking a hole in your kitchen window after drowning your French exchange student in the kitchen sink. Let’s face it, he’s a complete cock.

Bruce Wayne

“Oh, I don’t think finding a table for me and the two Eastern European prostitutes I’ve bought to a formal dinner with my estranged girlfriend will be a problem – I own the hotel.”

What a complete wanker.

John McClaine

So, he’s stalking his estranged wife across the country when there’s a hostage situation downtown. What does Johnny boy do? He’s a policeman remember, so he should know to keep quiet and negotiate. Nope. Despite the fact there’s a hundred innocent people at risk, he punches a guy in the throat and starts firing a gun in the air, blatantly putting everyone at risk. When the authorities arrive, he blasts a gun in the air at them, swears in front of children, drinks heavily and racially abuses people outside their own homes. No wonder his kids hate him.