Basically, you already knew that we’d love this didn’t you? For one thing it’s got Statham in it, which means it’s already head and shoulders above 99% of stuff on our Lovefilm list.

Add in Stallone, Willis, and surprisingly intelligent (PHD in Biological Physics apparently…) terrible Punisher Dolph Lundgren, and you can’t really go wrong.

Can you?

As far as the action goes this is top notch, each expendable gets a chance to show their trademark brawling style, so for Statham it’s bone-crunching urban smackdowns, Li shows of his devastating wushu prowess, and big Sly…well, he fires a big gun and goes “waaaaaaarggggghh!!!” in a vaguely unninteligibl maner.
And here’s the problem.

Back in the 80’s (and on into the 90’s) this type of balls-out, blow-shit-up-fuck-asking-questions-later explodathons never promised even a hint of characterisation. You didn’t even really want a plot. You wanted Chuck Norris kicking someone’s windpipe off.

This is basically a complete retread of that formula, and on those dated terms it’s awesomely successful. Watching Statham fire a huge howitzer from the nose of a dive-bombing plane is amazing, the effects are, for the most part, physical, and all the better for it. Shit blows up, people fly through the air, and when we’re finally treated to Arnie, Sly and Willis sharing the screen (and not once talking about hamburgers), there are some genuine fanboy thrills to be had. I mean, they never actually do anything but talk, but hey, it’s cool to see them all up there anyway.

Now who's got the nicest hat?

Willis however, sums up the problem here, making wry comments about the amount of dick-measuring going on in the room, he unfortunately points out something the Expendables does it’s darndest to ignore. Movies have come a long way since the 80’s.

For good or ill, we now expect some semblance of plot glueing things together. If a director ignores this, then we end up with crap like G.I.Joe, an unfortunately there’s often just a touch too much “Who would win in a fight” going on and not quite enough story.

Of course, one of the things that made al those old flicks so cool was their resolute straight-facedocity. Even king of the zingers Arnie would dial it down and impart lines like ‘Stick Around’ with the deadliest of serious expressions, and it was these moments that really made the movie.

Once Die Hard came along…well, all that changed. Suddenly all that stuff became knowing. And it continues here. The trouble is, a lot of the guys on screen aren’t really up to irony. Sure Mickey Rourke takes a poke at acting here, but he’s an awkward fit. In short, there’s a huge pile of charisma up there, but it just can’t do much with the slightly lumpen dialogue, and things get dragged down as a result, the whole thing never quite as gloriously ridiculous as we’d been imagining.

Sly is certainly a competent action director, and here there are some great set pieces, although he really needs to reexamine his choice of cinematographers. The mercenary team may get beaten black and blue throughout, but it would be nice if the same couldn’t be said for the visuals.

Overall this is fast and fun enough to get away with most of it’s foibles, but in assembling such an awe-inspiring action cast, Stallone seems to have taken short cuts on dialogue and exposition that the modern filmgoer may not be ready to put up with.

But what the hell, don’t go in expecting hamlet, go in expecting Dolph Lundgren sticking someone on a spike and its all good.

Ho-de-ho-ho, if it isn’t being Saint Patrick’s day ya bloody bollocks, and as a special service to our ‘Of-Irish-Descent’ readers, its time for a patronising article that has bugger all to do with Ireland (and in no way increase our readership by being blatantly confrontational and obnoxious obviously).

Time to pick up a green plastic bowler hat (just like they had in the old country that neither you nor anyone you know has ever been to), fill it with dyed green cheap whiskey (because that’s what a true Irishman would obviously do) and check out the best, definitely, positively, Of-Irish-Descent oh-yes-sir-honestly actors!

Ya feckin’ eejit.

Christian Bale

There’s nothing more Of-Irish-Descent than Batman is there? He’s a cop, working in a New York/Chicago analogue and helping out a flatfoot named Gordon. It’s to Bale’s credit that despite a penchant for growling like a bulldog a lot recently, he never once let’s the comedy accent slip. Well, Hollywood is certainly a step up from Bournemouth- top work Bale, you Of-Irish-Descent Psycho you!

Of-Irish-Descent analogue: Sam Worthington

Grunt. Roar. I am a machiiiiiinnnneeee!!!It isn’t often you see someone out-acted by their own leg muscles, But Worthington pulls it of with aplomb. We’d tell him, but he’s not allowed out of his cage between scenes. Also happens to be English, but we’ll ignore that for now…

Mel Gibson

In Lethal Weapon, Gibbo cemented his status as Hollywood’s go-to Of-Irish-descent action man, chain smoking his way through a million glorious mullet-waving action scenes, even going so far as to become violently and visibly anti-Semitic in later life- top o’ the mornin’ to ya Mel!

Of-Irish-Descent version: Bruce Willis

Wow, some one who may actually, just about, have a relative who once lived near Kilkenny! And even though McClain is actually a Scottish name rather than an Irish one, who cares, it’s all the same country outside Poughkeepsie ain’t it? Da noive a’ some peoples!

Robert Pattinson

Ah, those dark eyes, that swoon-inducing giant beehive-quiff of doom, he could only be an of-Irish-Descent rogue.Or the product of a warped imagination that had been reading too many back issues of Preacher when vampire casting week came around. Whatever, the thing they call R-Patz will be clogging up your screens in Remember Me this week, so why not heas down with a bag of green popcorn and enjoy his unique brand o’ bollicks.

Of-Irish-Descent Analogue – Taylor Lautner

He’s got the smouldering good looks down for sure. What a shame they’re buried in the tiny plastic face of a Ken doll, and married to the kind of acting skills last seen on MTV’s The Hills- A bright, Oscar-filled future awaits!

Hugh Jackman

Fist seen playing Curly in Oklahoma, it doesn’t get much more Of-Irish-Descent than a real live cowboy does it?? Jackman then hammered home his all-Of-Irish-Descent status by appearing as..erm..the Canadian Wolverine! And Leopold, Duke of Westminster! Erm…to be fair, we haven’t really thought this one through properly have we…

Of-Irish-Descent analogue: Eric Bana

Yep, this one is absolutely Of-Irish-Descent! 100% positive. Except in ‘Chopper’ obviously. And ‘The Beast’. Shite, we’re going to have to go with Treat Williams instead aren’t we?

Gary Oldman

One of the lesser species of Of-Irish-Descent thespians, Gary covers up his blatantly cockney drawl with squawking southern warblings at every available opportunity, only reverting to type as Syrius Black, but hey, that can be explained away by magic right? As Of-Irish_descent as a dyed green apple pie.

Of-Irish-Descent analogue: James Woods

Almost as adept at whispering and looking vaguely inscrutable, Woods never quite manages the ‘explosive shouting and Scotch drinking’ combo required of the true Of-Irish-Descent acting experience. Although he did once manage to shag a TV set after doing the sex with an ex-Playboy bunny, which is pretty darned close!

Well, a pretty good turn out for the Of-Irish-Descent actors today, with a massive 1 of them them actually having some measure of Blarney floating near their family to be sure! To mis-quote Phil Lynott: Is there anyone in the audience with any Irish in them tonight?

No. No there isn’t.

Fig 1: Not Wearing Any Pants Under Here....

Movie heroes – you wish you were like that right? Kicking ass and taking names? You’d be so cool wouldn’t you?
Well, actually, no you wouldn’t. You’d be a boorish dickweed.

We’re not even talking about slimy Matthew Mconaughey rom-com assholes here either, in fact it seems that the cooler you look on-screen, the more of a spaz you’d be in real life. Men hate them, women can’t wait to escape them – we consider how well your big screen archetypes would cope in real life and quickly discover they’d be useless twats…

Han Solo

Oh sure, Han seems cool doesn’t he? With his flashy spaceship, hanging out with Billy Dee Williams. But seriously, would you hire him to tarmac your driveway? He turns up wearing skinny jeans and a waistcoat-attire completely unsuitable for manual labour- with an obviously intimidating ‘friend’, and demands half the cash up front. Then as soon as the cops wander past he drops the job halfway through, and when you go to complain, he shoots you!

Tyler Durden

So, you meet this geezer on a plane and make a bit of polite chat. Hey, you’re going to be sitting together for four hours – you might as well get along right? What does this charity-shop clad underwear model do? He rips into you for making a bad joke, forces you to give him all your cash, gets you involved with criminals, and steals your girlfriend! Got a problem with that? He and his fat friends will blow up your house- actually blow it up over a difference of opinion. What an asshole.

James Bond

In he stalks, all expensive suits and hairplugs. “Fancy a beer mate?” You politely enquire. No, he wants a fucking martini. He critiques your taste, despite having none of his own – if he’s not going on about his bloody Omega watch or his Aston, it’s “that’s as bad as listening to The Beatles – without wearing earmuffs”. You grin and bear it until he leaves, which he does – by kicking a hole in your kitchen window after drowning your French exchange student in the kitchen sink. Let’s face it, he’s a complete cock.

Bruce Wayne

“Oh, I don’t think finding a table for me and the two Eastern European prostitutes I’ve bought to a formal dinner with my estranged girlfriend will be a problem – I own the hotel.”

What a complete wanker.

John McClaine

So, he’s stalking his estranged wife across the country when there’s a hostage situation downtown. What does Johnny boy do? He’s a policeman remember, so he should know to keep quiet and negotiate. Nope. Despite the fact there’s a hundred innocent people at risk, he punches a guy in the throat and starts firing a gun in the air, blatantly putting everyone at risk. When the authorities arrive, he blasts a gun in the air at them, swears in front of children, drinks heavily and racially abuses people outside their own homes. No wonder his kids hate him.

In terms of what you’d want to see at your local cinema, most of the movies coming in 2010 rank just below “dropping your Oscar Meyer hot Dog on the floor”.

Well, worry not faithful cineaste, for now we come to some slabs of celluloid you might actually want to see…and discover the law of diminishing returns is still very much in effect.

Wipe the popcorn from your beard and join us then, as we realise we’ve got piss-all to look forward to this summer, in part three of our amazingly awful 2010 movie round-up!!

11: Alice in Wonderland.

Sigh. Go on then. Put on your stripy knee socks, home-dye your hair blue. Have a blast. I once met Helena Bonham-Carter you know, and she looks exactly like this in real life!

Expect Jonny Depp to trade on the fact that he’s finally at that age where men start looking like your slightly creepy maternal aunt -and wonder if he can expect a promising career awaits in the inevitable musical version of ‘Pushing Daisies’ : Altogether now
“ A pie? A pie! A magiiiicalll pie of the undeeeeeaaaadddddd…” Practically writes itself.

Anyhoo, one for your inner goth this one, cover yourself in soot and enjoy.

12: Cop Out

So, it was called ‘A Couple of Dicks’ , but then Hollywood hearthrob and all -round (in every sense of the word) ice cream fan Kevin Smith wussed right out on us and changed it. This from a man who built a career based on dick n’ fart jokes. Backed up by Bruce Willis. Sigh.

Expect Willis to smirk and wisecrack, and make an uncommonly high number of Aquaman references as he and My name is Earl chase down a baseball card or something equally stupid.

13:The Book Of Eli

Oh Denzel. For every Oscar-tempter there’s a load of old quasi-mystical gobledegook isn’t there? We can only assume that the American Gangster star has made some unholy Mephistolean bargain that forces him to pop up in crap like Fallen every other year.

Anyway, this is something to do with a magic book and Gary Oldman. After the Apocalypse. Because that was cool three years ago.

14: Paul

Part the third of Pegg and Frost’s Cornetto trilogy. Plot? Well, obviously jumping over a fence will play a pivotal role, but in an effort to find out more the professional researchers in our office checked out little-known website Wikipedia, which had the following to say:

Two British comic book geeks (Pegg and Frost) go on a road trip through America. On the way, they discover an alien named Paul (voiced by Seth Rogen) at Area 51.

Sounds good doesn’t it? If you’re a complete dick machine. Or worse, read student magazines and laugh at them. Proof positive that pegg should be shot from a photon torpedo tube at the earliest opportunity.

15: Iron Man II

Like the first film but with extra Martinis and Mickey Rourke doing that thing he does instead of acting. I once met Fenriz from legendary black Metal band Darkthrone in a bar, and he told me that Mickey Rourke was cooler than Bruce Willis.

Basically what I’m saying is that if you like Mickey Rourke or think he’s good, then you are gay for Black Metal bands. Anyway, in this he plays a lesbian super criminal (honestly – look, here she is fighting Spider-Man) Whiplash.

It’ll probably be quite good, but not as good as Thor. Possibly.

16:Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Not to be confused with Cameron’s tale of the owl and the 3D alien pussycat from 2009 –although we’re hoping that confusion will guide a few more hapless fools this way – this airbender is the wiggly, wandery based-on-a-weird-Chinese-cartoon story of a small, bald dude and some other kids messing about in a badly thought out mystical world with added M.Night Shitealogue.

Oh-and there’s a huge bison in it too.

Anyway, basically it follows our heroes as they wander hither and thither upon the Earth –which may or may not be our future, hoping some bald midget can be a bigger bender (yes, really) than the current eeeevil overlord.

Almost as bad as The Happening.

17: Season of the Witch

Will it be scary? It’ll certainly be hairy. As Nic Cage continues to display his all-action wig fetish in some cobblers about a night -with a southern accent naturally – transporting an accused witch. A sexy accused witch.

Named after a Donovan song, which leads us to wonder how long before someone films a slasher called Hurdy Gurdy Man.

18:Bitch Slap.

A She-Woman-Girl-Power-vagina-monologue-meets-boob-job-action-comedy pile of shit. Look at those boobies and tell me this really furthers the feminist cause. Anyway, Xena’s in it, so you can admire how big and muscley and just all-round butch she is without having to come all the way out.

Enjoy!

19: Leap Year.

Right, if Amy Adams wanted to marry you, would you refuse?

No, neither would I, but apparently it’s an Irish tradition (it isn’t) that women can propose to dudes on Feb 29th, and if I was an Irish-loving Hollywood Junior exec who was one-thriteenth-Irish-but-not-the-real-kind-the-American-kind, then I’d probably make this movie as well.

Take the ‘My Great-Grand-Uncle once bought a bike from an Irish man which makes me Irish’ idiot in your life and to quote the trailer: “Get ready to lose your mind…”

20: Wolf Man

Vampires? Soooooo last year man. Wolves are ‘Were’ it’s at. Did you see what I did there?!?! I’m wasted on you I really am.

Anyway,Benicio Del Toro somehow manages to be even hairier than he was in The Way of the Gun, while ruthless marketers try to make us forget just how boring the original was.

Well, 2010 looks bloody terrible doesn’t it? Full of crap monsters and awful toupee’s for the most part -to be fair, there are some actually look quite good movies coming up -  the ’suckered you in’ Kick Ass, Hot Tub Time Machine, Youth In Revolt and even ridiculous angel revenge flick Legion has it’s moments – but why should we bring a ray of sunshine into your otherwise miserable lives by mentioning them? We’re not a public service you know. Just be thankful we didn’t mention Wanted 2 (an evil loom, I mean really…) and stay in bed until the Conan reboot arrives.

Happy New year!

It’s THE FUTURE and humanity, rather than running out of resources and being reduced to a feudal existence, has become lazy-jowely couch potatoes living their lives vicariously through the eponymous robotic surrogates. Simply put, why bother with all that troublesome exercise and washing when you can put a super-sleek Lamborghini version of yourself on the streets instead, ready to have sex with similarly gorgeous people while you sit around in your underwear eating Cheetos and reaping the benefits?

It’s actually not a bad premise, if a bit hackneyed, and Bruce Willis saving the world is always value for money –so why Surrogates is so unengagingly flat is a mystery, one that’s more interesting than the wobbly murder tale that plays out on screen.

As FBI Agent Tom Greggs, Willis stows the smirk in a safe place and plods about, looking desperately old in a world of clean-lined, airbrushed people. His ability to engage with people in the real world is obviously meant to have been stymied by years wired into his robot duplicate, but where you’d expect a little wide-eyed wonder from a man experiencing life first-hand for the first time, here Bruce just appears bored.

It doesn’t help that the central mystery –based on a graphic novel that’s no classic, but is infinitely superior thanks to a lack of Jonathan Mostow influence – is nonsensical. Someone is shooting surrogates in order to off their Human controllers. All very well, but what’s the point of a robot double if you suffer when it’s injured?

There are some great elements on display here, a fun chase with Bruce’s terrifyingly coiffured Surrogate stands out, and there’s some interesting scenes of a war being fought entirely by robot doubles that’s disappointingly never fleshed out, meanwhile the film remains faceless and downbeat throughout, a shame as the cartoony humour that failed T3 so thoroughly would actually work well here. I arrive expecting a Bruce Willis actioner, and instead get an extended version of his marital break-up scenes from Unbreakable. There are some interesting ideas, but the film remains hollow and uninvolving, as emotionless as the Surrogates themselves, and while it’s entirely possible that this is the point, it’s just not a film that goes deep enough to justify this po-faced attitude.