Basically, you already knew that we’d love this didn’t you? For one thing it’s got Statham in it, which means it’s already head and shoulders above 99% of stuff on our Lovefilm list.
Add in Stallone, Willis, and surprisingly intelligent (PHD in Biological Physics apparently…) terrible Punisher Dolph Lundgren, and you can’t really go wrong.
Can you?
Ho-de-ho-ho, if it isn’t being Saint Patrick’s day ya bloody bollocks, and as a special service to our ‘Of-Irish-Descent’ readers, its time for a patronising article that has bugger all to do with Ireland (and in no way increase our readership by being blatantly confrontational and obnoxious obviously).
Time to pick up a green plastic bowler hat (just like they had in the old country that neither you nor anyone you know has ever been to), fill it with dyed green cheap whiskey (because that’s what a true Irishman would obviously do) and check out the best, definitely, positively, Of-Irish-Descent oh-yes-sir-honestly actors!
Ya feckin’ eejit.
Fig 1: Not Wearing Any Pants Under Here....
Movie heroes – you wish you were like that right? Kicking ass and taking names? You’d be so cool wouldn’t you?
Well, actually, no you wouldn’t. You’d be a boorish dickweed.
We’re not even talking about slimy Matthew Mconaughey rom-com assholes here either, in fact it seems that the cooler you look on-screen, the more of a spaz you’d be in real life. Men hate them, women can’t wait to escape them – we consider how well your big screen archetypes would cope in real life and quickly discover they’d be useless twats…
Han Solo
Oh sure, Han seems cool doesn’t he? With his flashy spaceship, hanging out with Billy Dee Williams. But seriously, would you hire him to tarmac your driveway? He turns up wearing skinny jeans and a waistcoat-attire completely unsuitable for manual labour- with an obviously intimidating ‘friend’, and demands half the cash up front. Then as soon as the cops wander past he drops the job halfway through, and when you go to complain, he shoots you!
It’s THE FUTURE and humanity, rather than running out of resources and being reduced to a feudal existence, has become lazy-jowely couch potatoes living their lives vicariously through the eponymous robotic surrogates. Simply put, why bother with all that troublesome exercise and washing when you can put a super-sleek Lamborghini version of yourself on the streets instead, ready to have sex with similarly gorgeous people while you sit around in your underwear eating Cheetos and reaping the benefits?
