Fig 1: Not Wearing Any Pants Under Here....

Movie heroes – you wish you were like that right? Kicking ass and taking names? You’d be so cool wouldn’t you?
Well, actually, no you wouldn’t. You’d be a boorish dickweed.

We’re not even talking about slimy Matthew Mconaughey rom-com assholes here either, in fact it seems that the cooler you look on-screen, the more of a spaz you’d be in real life. Men hate them, women can’t wait to escape them – we consider how well your big screen archetypes would cope in real life and quickly discover they’d be useless twats…

Han Solo

Oh sure, Han seems cool doesn’t he? With his flashy spaceship, hanging out with Billy Dee Williams. But seriously, would you hire him to tarmac your driveway? He turns up wearing skinny jeans and a waistcoat-attire completely unsuitable for manual labour- with an obviously intimidating ‘friend’, and demands half the cash up front. Then as soon as the cops wander past he drops the job halfway through, and when you go to complain, he shoots you!

Tyler Durden

So, you meet this geezer on a plane and make a bit of polite chat. Hey, you’re going to be sitting together for four hours – you might as well get along right? What does this charity-shop clad underwear model do? He rips into you for making a bad joke, forces you to give him all your cash, gets you involved with criminals, and steals your girlfriend! Got a problem with that? He and his fat friends will blow up your house- actually blow it up over a difference of opinion. What an asshole.

James Bond

In he stalks, all expensive suits and hairplugs. “Fancy a beer mate?” You politely enquire. No, he wants a fucking martini. He critiques your taste, despite having none of his own – if he’s not going on about his bloody Omega watch or his Aston, it’s “that’s as bad as listening to The Beatles – without wearing earmuffs”. You grin and bear it until he leaves, which he does – by kicking a hole in your kitchen window after drowning your French exchange student in the kitchen sink. Let’s face it, he’s a complete cock.

Bruce Wayne

“Oh, I don’t think finding a table for me and the two Eastern European prostitutes I’ve bought to a formal dinner with my estranged girlfriend will be a problem – I own the hotel.”

What a complete wanker.

John McClaine

So, he’s stalking his estranged wife across the country when there’s a hostage situation downtown. What does Johnny boy do? He’s a policeman remember, so he should know to keep quiet and negotiate. Nope. Despite the fact there’s a hundred innocent people at risk, he punches a guy in the throat and starts firing a gun in the air, blatantly putting everyone at risk. When the authorities arrive, he blasts a gun in the air at them, swears in front of children, drinks heavily and racially abuses people outside their own homes. No wonder his kids hate him.

In a frankly shocking display of prejudice, Hollywood has traditionally shunned the dead. Oh sure, there’s plenty of zombie movies out there, but when is the last time you saw a dead guy get the girl-and not eat her brains? STS sets out to redress the balance by bring you Six of The Best: Movie Dead Guys!

Sloth- Se7en

You know its coming. They break into the apartment; they wander around, lifting the plastic sheeting slowly and lurching backwards. If you’ve been to film school in the past 10 years you probably wrote an essay on the use of the Pavlovian response. He’s tied to the bed, looking like Skeletor’s S&M fancying cousin, and he’s dead as a doornail. Lean in closer detective, he smells a bit but there’s nowt to fear here. Until of course…That Ain’t No Corpse Grandma! The only dead body on the list to have forgone that whole pesky dying thing, Sloth gets our vote for possibly the finest ‘Cat-In-Closet’ shock in movie history. Possibly because the regular furry kitty has been replaced by a weeping, insane rictus that’s eaten its own tongue.

Bernie Lomax –Weekend at Bernies

Think of the truly great cinematic actors. Olivier, Brando, DiNiro. Presences that fill the screen with their intensity, burning emotion and conviction into the hearts and minds of the audience. Now ask yourself, honestly. Could any one of those screen heroes have played dead as well as TV regular Terry Kiser? Could you keep a straight face while a horny dog drags you off a balcony by your balls? Or while required to Conga with a paraletically drunk starlet in a bikini? No way, Dustin Hoffman has nothing compared to this guy, which is why he is and ever shall be cinemas greatest dancing corpse!

Bubba Ho-Tep

Yeah Yeah Yeah, there’ve been other mummies. Their was Nephren-Ka in Universal’s The Mummy, there was that bald dude in..er..The Mummy…but none of them was bad enough to wear a ten gallon hat and beat up a Karate-ing Elvis. Ho-Tep sucks the life outta oldies and lightbulbs alike with his mere presence, so it’s ironic that he’s finally despatched by a couple of septegenarians with back – and brain – problems. This ignoble demise doesn’t stop him dressing to kill in the smartest pair of western boots ever to walk outta Memphis.

Evil Ash - Army of Darkness

Despite looking like boil in the bag Spaghetti Bolognese, Evil Ash takes having his arms and legs chopped off in his stride, giving us one of cinemas greatest rising from the grave sequences. He commands a huge army of skeletons despite behaving like the fourth Stooge most of the time, and is the only action figure ever to arrive with Kung-Fu grip AND ‘Detachable Jaw’. Altogether now:” I…Live….AGAAAAAIINNNN!!!!!”

Dracula

Easily the best dressed cadaver in the house, Drac is the only necrotic body you’d ever feel comfortable taking to an opera. Capable of turning into a wolf, he’s his own best friend, which may explain why he’s happy enough sitting alone in his study when he has three nymphomaniac vampire women waiting in the bedroom. Even managing to be cool when George Hamilton is playing him, Drac is the thinking ladie’s corpse.

Death – Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey

Not content with his more traditional role as king of the dead, Death enjoys taking time out to win the Indy 500 on foot and release terrible bass solo albums. His Bergman-esque style extends to a head as smooth as his ‘Reaping burn a lot of calories’ sculpted behind, and he’s good with both a sickle and a shopping cart. The first dead dude brave enough to attempt transvestism in front of God Almighty, Death is the epitome of both poor sportsmanship and Rot N’ Roll. The only ex-person you’d want to go to a party with.

There’s been a fair bit of talk around the STS office bemoaning the demise of the traditional war movie – so it was with baited breath that we took our seats for what was originally touted as an all-action knucklefest a la Where Eagles Dare. What we got was something quite different, but none the worse for it.

It’s 1944 and occupied France is the setting as Brad Pitt and a crack team of Jewish soldiers embark on a mission to wipe out Nazi high command – at a film premiere. A mission complicated by the cinema owner, a Jewish survivor who is out for revenge.

Tarantino will always be known for dialogue, but even for him it’s a brave move to open a post Saving Private Ryan WWII film with a long, rambling conversation without a whizzing bullet to be seen. In the scene, callous Nazi Col. Landa toys with a squirming French Farmer accused of harbouring Jewish escapees and this lengthy character introduction is typical throughout, wrong-footing your expectations as seemingly major players arrive, only to be killed moments later. Even the eponymous Basterds only make fleeting appearances and money maker Brad Pitt has less screen time than many supporting characters. While the lengthy chat segments sometimes slow the pace down to a commando crawl, it’s always involving and ultimately adds to the precision plotting.

The acting on display is often striking, Pitt works hard, his words rumbling through an almost incomprehensible southern accent, while speeches are delivered in English and German with aplomb. Again, dialogue is king and it’s a pleasure to watch. One scene in particular sees allied troops sweating as they try to outfox ruthless SS man August Dehl. Michael Fassbinder’s Brit Officer shines in particular with a roguish charm seemingly channeled from 40s Hollywood. The implied threats and bargains are wonderful, ratcheting up the tension, every sentence uttered with conviction and demanding analysis.

Despite this, the movie is also very funny. Screwball laughs emerge from the almost constant yakking. Again, Christophe Waltz as Landa is a standout here, his character cruel and complicated but tempered with just the right amount of camp. He is both effeminate and threatening, conveying keenness of mind and deadly singularity of purpose beneath a raffish, socially aware exterior. Between them, he and Pitt carry the movie. Their performances are engaging and knowing, but resolutely grounded in the peculiar reality of the movie.

That construction is highlighted too. The whole shebang kicks off with the self-aware caption ‘once upon a time… In Nazi occupied France…’ History provides the stage, but is kept well out of the way as the tale unfolds. Tarantino’s obsession with movies is apparent from the get-go, whilst the ending is a typical, over-the-top, only-in-the-movies piece that riffs on Spaghetti westerns. Whilst this fast and loose attitude to our finest hour could cause offense if taken seriously, overall it’s a fun return to the days when war films were two-fisted boy’s own tales, where there was never a doubt that the bad guys would get what was coming to them eventually.

Of course, this being Tarantino, it’s not actually about the war at all. It’s about other movies. With a soundtrack and shot-list cobbled together lovingly from other films, the core of the script revolves around a film critic and a cinema owner – ultimately the only two characters with the ability to face down evil and combat Nazi propaganda. Another love letter to cinema, sometimes deliberately contrived but none the worse for it, Inglourious Basterds sees Tarantino back on fantastic and fun form.

The curious case of Benjamin Button should be a great film. It has spectacular cinematography, rounded full characters, with some fine, if necessarily mannered acting from both Pitt and Blanchett that rounds out the characters, and generally steers just clear of showboating throughout. The concept itself is sky high, and is backed up by some fantastic effects. As anyone unfortunate enough to sit through 10,000 BC knows however, CG does not make or break a movie, and this is one case that adds up to spectacularly less than the sum of its parts.

The main problem here is that the whole thing drips with so much schmaltz you feel like gagging throughout,  and it detracts from what otherwise would be a funny, and rather sweet love story. The normally solid David Fincher seems to be suffering from a case of the ‘Green Miles’ throughout, desperately tugging at heartstrings with the conviction of someone who knows they can squeeze out an extra Oscar nom with every tear from a Hollywood crowd desperate to prove its worthiness this season. It’s a recurring problem, and just as ‘Eternal Sunshine’ spawned a generation of girls with home died hair, desperate to prove they weren’t a concept, this will no doubt give us a huge group convinced that they won’t be in love until they’re at least 40.

That said, the film does occasionally live up to its tag line, having fun moments throughout (Teddy Roosevelt is particularly notable here) and it’s always nice to see Brad Pitt the actor. Unlike the titular button though, the ladled-on sentiment means the whole thing ages before its time. Case closed.