Universal’s attempts to update it’s classic monster properties have so far met with little success, instead inflicting the likes of Van Helsing on audiences and squandering some truly great premises, and while The Wolman won’t be to everyone’s taste, it’s certainly a step up from CGI fests such as The Mummy.

From the get go, there’s a very different feel about this film – that’s ‘film’ as opposed to ‘movie’ – with a pervading sense of dread that matches the original. The opening hunt scene showcases the Werewolf as a dangerous, feral predator lurking in the foggy wastes, and while there’s certainly a touch of CGI enhancement to the mist drifting about, it’s a fun, scary addition that we haven’t seen since American Werewolf’s moor-stalking.

After the quick and surprisingly bloody intro, we bump into the victim’s brother Lawrence Tutwell (Benicio Del Toro, cheekily foreshadowing events as he plays the lead in an on-screen production of Hamlet) and the film scores a genuinely huge bonus with it’s leading man, bringing a detailed, grounded and pathetic character rendition to the screen. Indeed, the presence of so many genuinely heavyweight thesps brings a gloriously Hammer-esque feel to proceedings – straight faced, and as such adding a delicious sense of camp without resorting to knowing winks or cheesy one liners. Director Joe Johnston certainly can’t be accused of talking down to his audience either, engaging with complex psychological questions – albeit with a light touch – as Del Toro questions if his transformations are real or a dream.

Indeed, this may turn out to be the film’s downfall; whether the measured plot and slow-ratcheting tension will hold the attention of a mainstream audience remains questionable, but the overall effect is engaging and never resorts to cat-in-cupboard moments to generate scares.

As the conclusion looms however, the action cranks up, the Wolfman stalking the city streets for an action-packed hunt, while there’s a lovely sequence at a masked ball that gives Johnston the chance to drop in his visual reference quota with marvellous, wryly amusing results.

While this may benefit from some editorial tightening, it’s nice to see a mainstream blockbuster that isn’t scared of taking it’s time with an ordered plot and engaging storyline. The cast are marvellous and we can only hope that this thinking monster movie marks a precedent after the woeful Steven Sommers excesses of previous attempts.

In terms of what you’d want to see at your local cinema, most of the movies coming in 2010 rank just below “dropping your Oscar Meyer hot Dog on the floor”.

Well, worry not faithful cineaste, for now we come to some slabs of celluloid you might actually want to see…and discover the law of diminishing returns is still very much in effect.

Wipe the popcorn from your beard and join us then, as we realise we’ve got piss-all to look forward to this summer, in part three of our amazingly awful 2010 movie round-up!!

11: Alice in Wonderland.

Sigh. Go on then. Put on your stripy knee socks, home-dye your hair blue. Have a blast. I once met Helena Bonham-Carter you know, and she looks exactly like this in real life!

Expect Jonny Depp to trade on the fact that he’s finally at that age where men start looking like your slightly creepy maternal aunt -and wonder if he can expect a promising career awaits in the inevitable musical version of ‘Pushing Daisies’ : Altogether now
“ A pie? A pie! A magiiiicalll pie of the undeeeeeaaaadddddd…” Practically writes itself.

Anyhoo, one for your inner goth this one, cover yourself in soot and enjoy.

12: Cop Out

So, it was called ‘A Couple of Dicks’ , but then Hollywood hearthrob and all -round (in every sense of the word) ice cream fan Kevin Smith wussed right out on us and changed it. This from a man who built a career based on dick n’ fart jokes. Backed up by Bruce Willis. Sigh.

Expect Willis to smirk and wisecrack, and make an uncommonly high number of Aquaman references as he and My name is Earl chase down a baseball card or something equally stupid.

13:The Book Of Eli

Oh Denzel. For every Oscar-tempter there’s a load of old quasi-mystical gobledegook isn’t there? We can only assume that the American Gangster star has made some unholy Mephistolean bargain that forces him to pop up in crap like Fallen every other year.

Anyway, this is something to do with a magic book and Gary Oldman. After the Apocalypse. Because that was cool three years ago.

14: Paul

Part the third of Pegg and Frost’s Cornetto trilogy. Plot? Well, obviously jumping over a fence will play a pivotal role, but in an effort to find out more the professional researchers in our office checked out little-known website Wikipedia, which had the following to say:

Two British comic book geeks (Pegg and Frost) go on a road trip through America. On the way, they discover an alien named Paul (voiced by Seth Rogen) at Area 51.

Sounds good doesn’t it? If you’re a complete dick machine. Or worse, read student magazines and laugh at them. Proof positive that pegg should be shot from a photon torpedo tube at the earliest opportunity.

15: Iron Man II

Like the first film but with extra Martinis and Mickey Rourke doing that thing he does instead of acting. I once met Fenriz from legendary black Metal band Darkthrone in a bar, and he told me that Mickey Rourke was cooler than Bruce Willis.

Basically what I’m saying is that if you like Mickey Rourke or think he’s good, then you are gay for Black Metal bands. Anyway, in this he plays a lesbian super criminal (honestly – look, here she is fighting Spider-Man) Whiplash.

It’ll probably be quite good, but not as good as Thor. Possibly.

16:Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Not to be confused with Cameron’s tale of the owl and the 3D alien pussycat from 2009 –although we’re hoping that confusion will guide a few more hapless fools this way – this airbender is the wiggly, wandery based-on-a-weird-Chinese-cartoon story of a small, bald dude and some other kids messing about in a badly thought out mystical world with added M.Night Shitealogue.

Oh-and there’s a huge bison in it too.

Anyway, basically it follows our heroes as they wander hither and thither upon the Earth –which may or may not be our future, hoping some bald midget can be a bigger bender (yes, really) than the current eeeevil overlord.

Almost as bad as The Happening.

17: Season of the Witch

Will it be scary? It’ll certainly be hairy. As Nic Cage continues to display his all-action wig fetish in some cobblers about a night -with a southern accent naturally – transporting an accused witch. A sexy accused witch.

Named after a Donovan song, which leads us to wonder how long before someone films a slasher called Hurdy Gurdy Man.

18:Bitch Slap.

A She-Woman-Girl-Power-vagina-monologue-meets-boob-job-action-comedy pile of shit. Look at those boobies and tell me this really furthers the feminist cause. Anyway, Xena’s in it, so you can admire how big and muscley and just all-round butch she is without having to come all the way out.

Enjoy!

19: Leap Year.

Right, if Amy Adams wanted to marry you, would you refuse?

No, neither would I, but apparently it’s an Irish tradition (it isn’t) that women can propose to dudes on Feb 29th, and if I was an Irish-loving Hollywood Junior exec who was one-thriteenth-Irish-but-not-the-real-kind-the-American-kind, then I’d probably make this movie as well.

Take the ‘My Great-Grand-Uncle once bought a bike from an Irish man which makes me Irish’ idiot in your life and to quote the trailer: “Get ready to lose your mind…”

20: Wolf Man

Vampires? Soooooo last year man. Wolves are ‘Were’ it’s at. Did you see what I did there?!?! I’m wasted on you I really am.

Anyway,Benicio Del Toro somehow manages to be even hairier than he was in The Way of the Gun, while ruthless marketers try to make us forget just how boring the original was.

Well, 2010 looks bloody terrible doesn’t it? Full of crap monsters and awful toupee’s for the most part -to be fair, there are some actually look quite good movies coming up -  the ’suckered you in’ Kick Ass, Hot Tub Time Machine, Youth In Revolt and even ridiculous angel revenge flick Legion has it’s moments – but why should we bring a ray of sunshine into your otherwise miserable lives by mentioning them? We’re not a public service you know. Just be thankful we didn’t mention Wanted 2 (an evil loom, I mean really…) and stay in bed until the Conan reboot arrives.

Happy New year!

After spending New Years Day cleaning what, for argument’s sake, we’ll assume was mud mixed with chewing gum off the office floor, we finally had time to carry on checking out all the new movies crawling out of the toilet to infect your eyeballs like refugees from an early Cronenberg movie in the new year. Yep, it’s part two of our craptabulous round up of the biggest, worstest flicks of 2010!

6: The A-Team

The group ‘convicted of a crime they didn’t commit’ have been updated from Vietnam to the far less interesting Iraq War, but otherwise everything from Hannibal’s cigar to Murdoch’s hat is present and correct – look at this picture, Liam Neeson looks aces doesn’t he? Unfortunately, like everything ever made in the 80s, the A-Team was a load of crap, so expect to see whatsisface from The Hangover driving a cabbage-firing tank at some terrorists intent on taking over a suspiciously attractive girl’s farm in Wyoming and tell me that you think it’ll be cool. You idiot.

7: Twilight: Eclipse

To be honest I only stuck this piece of shit in here so that extra teenage girls would check out the site. Unfortunately they’ll all be chaste Mormons so it won’t do me any good. Not satisfied with pumping out two steaming loaves of vampiarrhoea, the studio money-sharks couldn’t resist farting out yet more of Stephanie Meyer’s absolute crap into your eyeballs. Expect a weird, borderline paedophilia love triangle and strong anti-feminist messages. Also expect girls with IQ’s lower than their pet Chihuahuas to love it, and for it to be a big pile of pigtarded claptrap.

8:The Expendables

Sly and the boys hide their bus-passes and stagger about in the jungle blowing shit up. Fuck yeah!

9:The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Both preceding Narnia films were badly put together shambles that not many people bothered to see, and those that did bother – didn’t like. So, sounds like a good idea to make another one doesnt it? Siblings Lucy, Edmund, Rudolph, Prancer, Frankenstein and Dopey head back to the slightly boring mystical land to fanny about on a ship with big bad brooding Ben Barnes, Eddie Izzard is oh-so-hilarious as an annoying mouse that would make Willy Wonka vomit, and Fox happily flush their cash down the Dawn Treader’s bilges for no apparent reason. Heaven’s Gate!

10: The Three Stooges

Probably not one for the ladies, as the Farrely brothers give Benicio Del Toro a bowl cut and provide plenty of wish fulfillment by pushing Sean Penn down a flight of stairs and smacking Jim Carrey in the face with a plank. With hilarious consequences.

Well, we have hangovers to re-enforce, so we’ll take a short break, but join us again shortly for part three, where we might even slip in a couple of films worth seeing (don’t count on it though)!