After sweeping the boards at this years Oscars, Katheryn Bigelow could be forgiven for sitting back to enjoy her ex-husband baiting success and asking “Who do you have to blow up to get a Martini round here?”. Instead, word is that the former Keanu-wrangler is already on the lookout for new projects.

Being the helpful souls we are, Slashing the Seats thought we’d pitch a few suitable follow-up’s to help the Point Break helmer re-create this year’s success -and fulfill our obligatory Oscars coverage in the process!

Of course, we’ve only worked our way through half the alphabet while conjouring up this list of steaming awards-magnets. Have you got a better idea?

Can you think of any more vaguely rhyming knock-off versions of this years best picture (that in no way means I can palm this assignment off on you and still collect the royalty cheque)?

What do you want to see the first female best director do next? Let us know!

The Dirt Shocker

Wily gardener Robert Englund realises he’ll never win the local women’s institute ‘Britain in Bloom’ competition by simply talking to his begonias –he’s got to shock them into a growth spurt! Unfortunately the only terrifying disguise he can find is a bargain-bin Richard Nixon mask-meaning he’s mistakenly identified as a member of notorious bank robber gang The Ex-Presidents!
Warning: May contain scenes of extreme mulching.

The Burt Hocker

When Quinton Anderson Reynolds (Dom Deluise) returns from college to find his entire life savings have been spent on back issues of cosmopolitan by his senile father Burt there’s only one thing to do – use the old man’s prize-winning moustache to disguise himself as ex-US president William Howard Taft in a series of daring bank robberies…with hilarious results!

The Pert Knocker

A band of notorious bank robbers are hunted by the US Army Bomb Disposal Squad, but manage to distract them by flashing their boobs at every opportunity, whether the storyline demands it or not! Starring Steve Guttenberg.

The Squirt Rocker

Despite the vaguely pornographic title, this heart-warming rock n’ roll tale is sure to battle its way to awards season glory. Mickey Rooney tap-dances his way back into the limelight by mentoring a group of musically challenged little people on a musical odyssey as they attempt to land a big gig with their idols –midget rockers Little Kiss and Tiny Motley Crue! Unfortunately the only way the tiny performers can get the attention they crave is to hire the US Army to put on a huge and highly dangerous explosive stage show!

The Curt Cocker

Following the success of Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Bigelow follows the adorable misadventures of a very rude spaniel that doesn’t have the time of day for his owners –until he learns the value of true friendship when he’s adopted by the US Army as an explosives sniffer dog!

The Yurt Mocker

When their alternative neighbours Tom and Barbara Good decide to demolish their house and live in an eco-friendly tent, Tom and Margo Leadbetter are quick to laugh, but can only watch aghast as their own property value falls –prompting them to embark on a series of daring bank robberies disguised as ex-presidents. With bombs!

It appears we’re having a bit of an unnoficial Little Lebowski day round here today, and why the hell not? Big beardy Jeff has grabbed his gong at the Oscars, but now it’s time for something a litlle lighter: Tron!

While other sites would have you decoding clues from 48 different sites and alt/tab-ing until your thumbs fall off in order to find this new (and it has to be said, very cool) trailer  STS don’t play no games sucker -check out the new trailer above!

Bridges returns to battle the villainous master control program again this year as uber-hacker Flynn, and from this, Tron: Legacy is going to be just as revolutionary as it’s predessecor…

Seeing as The Dude himself recently saw fit to strap on a guitar and bash out a few maudlin country tunes in the Oscar-bothering Crazy Heart, cementing his place (We’ll forget about ‘The Fabulous Baker Boys for now…and forever) in an illustrious list of wandering minstrels who haven’t always managed to pluck the heart strings of the academy committee. We decided to open our ears to some new vibes, man, so join us as we update our spotify playlists with…the best musicians in movies!

1: Beethoven (1770 -1988- 1827 ) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Essential Ipod:The 1812 Overture – by far the finest example of cannon-based Germanic shouting to emerge from the classical era.

Eschewing the obvious choice of Mssrs B&T themselves, we’ve instead gone with the big-barneted Düsseldorf madman with a passion for Bon Jovi. The film may conveniently ignore the fact that Ludwig was stone deaf at the time the two west coast time travellers meet him, but then, Beethoven biographer Theodore Albrecht entirely ignores his close friendship with Billy the Kid too, so we figure it’s even.

2: Nigel Tufnell (1948 – ) This is Spinal Tap

Essential Ipod: Big Bottom.The only tune containing the words ‘Mud Flaps’ you’re ever likely to need on that ‘first date playlist’.

He’s a conundrum is ol’ Nige. Somehow he’s survived the barrage of sex, drugs, exploding drummers and diminishing returns to come out on top with Wembley arena gigs, marriage to Trading Places-era Jamie Lee Curtis, a peerage and infinite sustain. Managed to make lick my love pump’s horn section sound like Mozart rogering Bach.

3: Radio Raheem (1970 – 1989)- Fight the Power

Essential Ipod: Fight the Power, incendiary and poignant, Public Enemy’s justly legendary album isn’t quite juvenile enough for us-fortunately there’s an all-swearing version of NWA’s similarly themed Straight Outta Compton that is!

Not a muso in the traditional sense, Radio still manages to entertain the inhabitants of a 12 city block area with ‘his kind of music’, and looks damn good doing it in his classic Nikes. The fact that his chosen instrument is a gargantuan boombox running on enough D Energizers to drain half the city that also manages to spark a riot and ultimately kill Raheem is testament to its profound musical power.

4: Pierce Brosnan (1953 – well, his singing career died in 2008 anyway ) Mama Mia

Essential Ipod: Mamma Mia (Karaoke Version)

Having had a pretty decent crack at Bond, Pierce proved it wasn’t just exotically-monikered Russian agents he could murder, wrapping his vocal cords around Abba’s monster hits with all the deadly effectiveness of Xenia Onatopp’s killer thighs. Those who thought the Swedish superstar’s dollops of pure pop were impervious to cover version harm stood on astounded as Mr.Brosnan threw caution and years of Remington Steele suavity to the wind in a few seconds, burping out his lines in the manner of a rutting wildebeest.

5: Huey Lewis (1950-1985-1955-1855-1985…) Back To The Future

Essential Ipod: Hip To Be Square. Huey displays remarkable self-awareness, having a sneaky go at his legions of 80’s MOR fans a full decade before Kurt managed the same trick with Nirvana’s In Bloom.

Displaying a sartorial style that almost matches the musical genius that bought us..erm…the harp solo in Thin Lizzy’s ‘Sarah’…Huey dons plaid sports coat and turns down Marty’s awful band The Pinheads, despite the fact that they’re playing one of his own songs. Huey was of course quick to capitalise on this early celluloid success, appearing in Duets a mere 11 years later and belting out some truly shocking karaoke numbers that only appear acceptable because his main competition is Paul Giamatti’s pig-like grunting.

Nick Rivers – Top Secret (1984/Sometime in the 40s, 50’s or possible 60’s…)

Essential Ipod: Skeet Shootin’. The Beach Boys were fine, but they never really grasped the unique pleasure to be had from surfing…while firing a 12-guage shotgun recklessly in the air. The fact that Nick captures this and still finds room for some squeaky-clean west coast harmonies proves his lasting appeal.

OK, so he may be derivative of Elvis and Little Richard, but you wouldn’t catch those guys dressing up as a pantomime cow to storm a castle, let alone order flaming hog’s balls at a state banquet. Displaying the kind of confidence – and massive bouffant -that will get you locked up in cold war East germany, Nick wastes no time in getting to know the guards…and recommending a massive anal vibrator to them.

Emerging bleary-eyed from the Mighty Marvel Bullpen today, it’s the new trailer for Iron Man 2, and it’s…fantastic! Geeky nods to 3rd tier Marvel charactors and plot lines abound (Armor Wars anyone?) while the levels of steel-pounding action go through the roof. All that and an AC/DC soundtrack as well -you can’t go wrong! Get your ass over to Apple for more info before the May release.

Christ this is bad. Not just regular bad either. Not ‘half-assed–I–knew-this-would-suck-Michael-Bay bad’. This is ‘Luc Besson bad’….

Hand in hand with director/lenser Pierre Morel, Besson has upped the anti of carpology once more – no easy task when you’ve once cast Lee Evans as an intergalactic bellhop – leaping back into the bonkers but brilliant cartoon action world usually lorded over by Jason Statham.

The Stath is obviously off doing something ridiculous with Jet Lee this month however, so it’s up to mid 90’s would-be action star John Travolta to fill out the lead, and he does it with a touch of the idiotic menace he bought to Broken Arrow et al, sneering, bellowing and displaying some spot-on comedy timing as he and Jonathan Reece Meyers destroy half of Paris as they try to stop a terrorist plot –yep, it’s Team America done by Europeans.

There’s very little to say critically about this, it looms like Galactus, a force above and beyond traditional ideals of good or bad. It’s loud, pig-ignorant, racist, sexist…and manages to make none of it matter. This is an ACTION MOVIE!!!!!! And is happy to conform to everything that means:

Odd-couple maverick cops? Check.
Guns that inexplicably carry 3000 rounds? Check
Show-piece with a rocket launcher? You get the idea.

John's revenge on the barber was a little over the top...

Travolta is a little too old to do this convincingly, his Charlie Wax (Charlie Wax!!) coming over like a tubby, dumbed down John McClaine, but his knack with preposterous one-liners is the movie’s saving grace as we trawl through exploding identikit euro villains on our way to take down Mr.Big.

Yes there’s a crap twist that’s practically telegraphed over the opening credits, yes Travolta’s bald/beard look is outrageously stupid, but who cares. Stylish crap that you can buy your 15 year old cousin for his birthday and never give him, it confirms Besson’s place at the top of the shiteheap –high praise indeed!

Jonathan Ross aside, movie geeks aren’t generally known for cutting a sartorial dash – after all, if you’re going to spend most of your time in a darkened room, covered in popcorn crumbs and nacho cheese it makes sense to dress down a little huh? But their will always be a moment when you emerge, blinking into the light of the foyer, and realise that the really cute usher is totally checking you out – and you with ketchup stains all over your pants!

Luckily Dark Bunny Tees have put an awful lot of effort into making the ridiculously geeky look good – not something you can say often about a guy wearing a Back to the Future T-Shirt! This 25th anniversary time-travel gear caught our eye recently, and unless you happen to have a souped-up DeLorean yourself you’d better grab one quick before they’re gone.

Even if you miss out on Dr.Brown’s high-quality togs don’t panic, there’s a bunch of other cool stuff lurking on the website, including the ultra-kawaii Star Wars family (above) or for those of you who want your clothing to scare the crap out of people, maybe a Ringu design might better suit sir?

Anyway, we’re all wandering round the office in these things, and frankly if they can make us look less dorky, you’ll probably resemble James Bond in the suave stakes once you get your hands on one.

With Toy Story 3 about to explode in 3D onto cinema screens, artist Raoni Nery decided to have a go at fleshing out some of Andy’s toys for real- and here’s the result! What do you think -is this three dimensional Buzz the kind of guy you’d let hang out with a cowboy in your 8 year old son’s bedroom?

Check out more of Raoni’s images here!

Time’s drawing in on summer, and there’s a new swords, sandals and side-scrolling tentpole release in town -check out the new trailer for Disney’s Prince of Persia!

Depending on which side of the fence you sit, Alice in Wonderland represents either the apex or the nadir of Burton’s uniquely styled product. Fans will surely relish the sumptuous design work while objectors will find lumps of twee sticking in their craw -make no mistake, Alice in Wonderland is a movie almost as curious as it’s heroine.

Given that Burton often makes his home in Belsize Park, it’s strange that he’s yet to rid himself of the twee American ideal of London -evidenced by an opening flight over foggy rooftops that constantly threaten to be interrupted by chirpy singing chimney sweeps. On the plus side it does demonstrate some impressively detailed animation work that acts as a plus and a minus throughout – it’s candy box bright and extremely well done, but unfortunately highlights Burton’s often awful dialogue and actors -particularly miss Bonham-Carter -struggling to emote.

The ‘real world’ characters come across as ridiculously mannered, their speech patterns filtered through a thousand BBC period dramas and emerging as something that fortunately has never issued from English lips but remains highly distracting, while the inhabitants of Wonderland strive for gaudy lunacy but seem strangely stilted, and aren’t well served by a storyline that begins as an interesting take on Lewis Carrol’s whimsical tour de force, but unfortunately swerves into production-line adventuresville halfway through and is weighed down by yet more cloying Disney values -in this case; it’s OK to be who you are.

It’s hardly Nietzsche, but to accuse Burton of missing out on weighty philosophical concepts misses the point. First and foremost, this IS a Disney movie, with all the itinerant bells and whistles that involves, and it’s also a children’s movie -and judged on those terms it’s a pretty good, if uneven one.

In the central role, Mia Wasikowska may be the bane of spellcheck but here she outshines the admittedly heavyweight cast around her. She’s just the right amount of pretty and – despite lacking an Alice band – manages to imbue the character with mannerisms taken directly from early edition line drawings of Alice. It’s a shame Burton can’t resist the temptation to pander to his teenage girl crowd by giving her a pair of stripy sock-gloves and an unnecessarily Gothic costume change half way through, but Wasikowska works gamely through these distractions and remains sweet and likeable throughout -if only the same could be said for the rest of the cast.

The main offenders here are Depp and Bonham-Carter, both nuanced and capable actors but unable to fill out their characters. Burton’s decision to cast Depp as a claymore-swinging hero is unnecessary in the extreme, and the actor’s choice of a Scottish brogue that quivers constantly between barely noticeable and completely incomprehensible -a problem that recurs throughout and often clouds seemingly important exposistion – doesn’t help. Depp is also unfortunately at that age where men begin to look like your maiden aunt which renders his burgeoning love affair with the teenage Alice creepy in the extreme.

Meanwhile Bonham-Carter struggles to imbue the villainous Red Queen with menace, her screeched cry of “off with their heads!” becoming annoying rather than amusing, although there are occasional moments when we glimpse a spoilt child beneath the dangerous facade and can’t help wish that more had been made of this. Elsewhere the voice cast are acceptable -Alan Rickman’s languorous drawl works well, while Barbara Windsor is thankfully given little time as an annoying Dormouse. Of those still semi-human, Crispin Glover does his usual excellent job as the Knave of Hearts, a perfect combination of oily sneer and cowardice, while Anne Hathaway’s Nigella lawson-inspired White Queen fits well in a largely unmemorable role.

Despite the factory-fit turn the plot takes, there are interesting touches here, the decision to factor in Carol’s other works adds depth and provides a genuinely scary villain in the Jabberwocky – a creature that may be a little too threatening for very young children – while the hints of his past relationship with The Vorpal Sword are fun and interesting.

Burton has apparently refused to allow this to be shown alongside earlier versions and it’s no wonder (excuse the pun), as they would clearly highlight the excess he insists on cloaking everything in -hinting that he may be a spent force staying resolutely in his comfort zone, but it’s when he discards his annoyingly Camden Goth sensibilities that things really come to life– witness the gentle laughs raised by Alice’s rabbit-like suitor in the opening scenes, or the sight of frog butlers guilty of stealing some important tarts from the queen. These moments are deftly done and hint at a far superior film waiting to be made.

Overall this is spectacular but poorly handled, perhaps too frightening for small children and too twee for adults, instead finding an uncomfortable middle ground that would benefit from some judicious editorial pruning, while Burton needs to take more risks with his storytelling and less with his characterization. An unbalanced film but nevertheless broadly enjoyable, this is fine fare for parents looking to pack the kids off for a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon, but falls well short of Alice’s previous incarnations classic status.

If your plan is to make an all-action popcorn flick, the Holocaust isn’t a port of call most directors would consider making, but Brett Eisner’s Romero reboot somehow manages to make it a completely acceptable analogy even while we’re watching Radha Mitchell fight off bands of bat-shit locals with a pitchfork.

While Eisner can’t quite match Romero for grimness –or Zack Sneider for all out thrills – he’s still managed to pump out a taught and nasty piece of work that’s a million miles from its nearest modern-day relatives; the claggy likes of Silent Hill.

Eisner takes a serial approach to his source material, meandering through a world where insanity is a transmittable disease, and takes the time to explore the wonderfully creepy scenario in depth, although the pacing makes for a few awkward moments and character development suffers because of it –but hey, this is a horror flick, we don’t want characters, we want lunatics ripping each other’s faces off!

At the heart of the action, Timothy Olyphant makes an unusual but solid choice as a thoroughly bemused sheriff doing his best to keep pregnant wife Mitchell out of harms way, while the rest of the inhabitants of the small town of Ogden Marsh take to giggling, pissing their pants and getting up to all sorts of cat-in-closet moment mischief.

As the mentalism spreads the film ramps things up into all-out war, those old Romero stand-bys The Military eschewing common sense and compassion in favour of some disgusting but great balls to the wall action scenes, and although we really never find out much about our leads beyond their job titles, the second act is full of some great tests of character –Mitchell’s time strapped down and fending off loonies in the local hospital a particular standout. In the background we get some extra-creepy filler scenes, Olyphant meandering through the deserted streets on his way –as you do –to the local morgue. The drop in pace as we approach act three gives much needed philosophical breathing space, the real scares coming not from the lunatic violence but from scenes depicting the government barcoding the infected and sticking them in concentration camps rather than attempting to cure them.

The science behind the mass-weirdy outbreak is sketchy, B-Movie trash, but it’s all played straight and works as a great MacGuffin as we head toward an uneasy climax that’s up there with The Thing in terms of uncertain outcomes. Overall this is a fast paced thriller of a remake that plays fast and loose with the source material but revisits familiar Romero themes in a stylish, exciting and involving manner – definitely a cut above the current crop of horror remakes.

The Oscars! Once a year, a bunch of hopeless weirdos get together and nominate the year’s worst movies to receive a foot-tall piece of plastic that’s been sprayed gold and give gushing three hour speeches. In the past few years the list of categories has grown so huge that the ceremony lasts approximately 6 weeks – just long enough for Steve Martin’s hourly rate to cover the HP on his Ferrari.

Anyway, because we are the best film site ever, we reckon we’ve ingested enough peyote to see into the future and predict who’s going to win, and because those fine purveyors of discount lovefilm memberships over at vouchercodes.co.uk are running a sweepstakes, we’re going to lay it on the line and go head to head with a few other sites that seem to think they know something about movies – even though not a single one of them has published a Jason Statham retrospective this year!

To make things simple, we’ve decided to ignore dorky categories like ‘Best Window Dressing’ and go with the big hitters –don’t agree? Why not you feckless dog? Well go on then, if you think you know better, tell us!

And the winners are…

Actress in a supporting role

Mo’Nique in Precious

Why? Well, she manages to outshine Maria Carey for one, and let’s face it, Penelope Cruz screeching and throwing her legs up in the air in Nine may have been more fun to watch, but hardly typified the method approach did it?

Actor in a supporting role

Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds

Why? We almost went with Matt Damon and his comedy Transvall accent in Invictus, but what kind of list would this be without at least one bingo playing, pipe-and-scenery chomping Nazi on it? Waltz is the best thing in a movie that features Brad Pitt ordering someone’s head to be stoved in with a bat -that has to be worth celebrating right?

Actress in a leading role

Carey Mulligan in An Education

Why? Frankly, we’d much rather see the lovely Miss Mulligan on stage in a sparkly dress than celebrate Meryl Streep’s bloody awful efforts this year, and although British films never, ever win anything we live in hope…

Actor in a leading role

Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart

After menacing Iron Man on a segway, The Dude got serious for once this year, leaving his lightcycle at the door and churning out a powerful character study that actually made us appreciate country music – for about 5 minutes, then it was back to the Pantera albums – Jeff’s often been overlooked by the Academy so he deserves to shine this year. And hey, would you really want to see George Clooney up there again?

Animated feature film

Up (Pete Docter and Bob Peterson)

Why? Where The Wild Things Are doesn’t count, and to be honest we were a bit unsettled by Fantastic Mr.Fox, so let’s grasp the obvious and go with the latest and probably greatest from Pixar – if only for the talking dog.

Directing

The Hurt Locker (Kathryn Bigelow)

Why? Tarantino is slowly disappearing up his own mixed metaphors with Inglourious, and Avatar may look great, but it’s as much about typing HTML as it is about directing – Bigelow meanwhile continues to make great, traditionally crafted movies -and fill them with massive kick-ass explosions, meaning she’s the girl for us!

Writing (original screenplay)

A Serious Man (Joel and Ethan Coen)

Why? Again, Quentin was a little too obvious this year, while the Brothers Coen crafted a witty, dark and engaging movie that reigned in the trademark obtuse dialogue from their earlier work and came out smelling of roses.

Best picture

A Serious Man (Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, producers)

This won’t win. We actually think that honour will pass into the off-world paws of a certain biggest movie ever, but frankly – effects aside – Avatar just isn’t that great a film. A Serious Man on the other hand is a textbook example of tight plotting and storytelling, full of fantastic red herrings and fun wordplay that really counts. Sure there aren’t as many exploding helicopters, but if it’s a genuine film you want to see win here then this is your baby.

Art direction
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (art direction: Dave Warren and Anastasia Masaro; set decoration: Caroline Smith)

You’d forgotten about this one hadn’t you? Yep, so had we -we were all distracted by the acres of lingerie on display in Nine, but for sumptuous indulgence Imaginarium wins hands down -and it’s a choice bound to be bouyed up by sentiment for a certain ex-Joker so don’t write this off…

Cinematography

The Hurt Locker (Barry Ackroyd)

Why? Ka-Boom!!! That’s why! Desert vistas, bullets singing as they whizz past your face and constant adrenalin being payed off in spades with some massive rumbling explosions. The Hurt Locker took the ‘red wire or blue wire’ moment, stretched it over 2 hours and added in the sweeping desert vistas of Laurence of Arabia – gorgeous and scary as hell.

Music (original score)

Avatar (James Horner)

Make no mistake, Avatar is going to win big this year. Unfortunately for Cameron, it isn’t a character study of one woman’s struggle to come to terms with the death of her missing pony, set against the backdrop of the Hindenberg disaster, so the often snooty Academy probably won’t go the whole hog and award a cartoon Best Picture -leaving music and tech categories. In this case it outdoes the weird indie of Mr.Fox and presents a masterclass in rumbling strings and cat in closet jumpy orchestration – not since Terminator has Cameron had a soundtrack as ruthless and unstoppably stirring. Which just leaves…

Visual effects

Avatar (Joe Letteri, Stephen Rosenbaum, Richard Baneham and Andrew R Jones)

To be honest, we’d rather Star Trek won this, but there’s simply no arguing with a helicopter taking on a six-legged giant lizard is there? Not to mention the vaguely-arousing thought of Sigourney Weaver with a tail. Avatar beats the competition hands down.

So, that’s our two-penneth worth, but we know we have the most educated, erudite and discerning – not to mention good looking – readership in blogsville, so we want your predictions as well, let us know if we’re right or if we’re wrong –this is important; if we’re wrong on this, we’ll never win that voucher for a half price Sloppy Giuseppe!

I say – here’s a decent way of whiling away some time!

You may have seen this new film trailed on the television. Well now you can be in the trailer.

What with The Crazies coming out in cinemas soon, the studio’s come up with an amusing way of making the trailer go viral, enabling you to add their actual, real face into the clip using technology! Try it here.

I had a go at doing it with the face of George Lamb – but there’s no limit to who you can get involved. Paul Shane, Dawn Porter, Noel Edmonds… the whole world of TV is at your fingertips.

While you’re about, it why not have a look at the trailer…

Major studios currently have one rule when it comes to horror – remake, remake, and remake again. Slasher flicks are the norm, usually with a tired, post-Scream makeover for the ironic/not-ironic-but-don’t-actually-know-any-better audience. With this in mind, it may come as a surprise to find STS championing a remake, especially one that doesn’t even have the benefit of decent source material. Be under no illusions, She-Creature contains all the ingredients for a crap-fest of epic proportions.

Taking a bloody awful 1956 Samual Arkoff movie as source, She-Creature thankfully plays fast and loose with it, originally billing itself as ‘the mermaid chronicles part 1’ it seems they couldn’t be bothered to make any follow-ups. Either that or they had so much fun with this that they knew it couldn’t be topped.

Let’s have a look at the mix: First off, your script requires a roisty-toisty, rollicking Oirishman of the highest order. Who do you choose? Why, Rufus Sewell seems an ideal fit! A strange choice after his almost-breakout in A Knight’s Tale, Sewell never the less has a fine ‘ol time begorrah, swaggering around the screen and spouting blarney about making it big in America to his ‘some sort of generic cockerney ought to do it’ girlfriend, a pre silk spectre Carla Gugino, who seems to be enjoying the chance to show a bit of cleavage, and comes off as game and sexy.

Travelling carnies already have a bad rep, and it’s no surprise if they behave like these two. Playing off the punters with fake zombies and mermaids the two come across a mad old wino at a show, and on finding out he has a cannibalistic, low-level telepath mermaid chained up in his living room –as you do- decide to nick it and head to America, where Sewell is convinced he’ll make it big – What could go wrong?

Of course, once on board ship, things go pear shaped pretty quickly. The previously ex-playmate faced mermaid sprouting odd fins and webs, invading the dreams of young Carla – and playing havoc with her menstrual cycle- and eventually roaming the decks and chowing down on hapless crewmen. Meanwhile the ship is hopelessly lost in a huge storm, and headed toward Mermaid Island!

Mermaid Island!!

“Hang on – this is just bloody stupid” you’ll be thinking, and it is! That’s why it’s great. The set design is high-school play quality, and everyone performs like they’re in a 17th century morality play. Which they are. Weirdly, it’s the whole shouty, badly-put-on-play nature of the thing that lifts it out of the doldrums. If they’d had cash for a CGI beastie, it would just be another piece of SDVD crapola filling up the bargain bin or bottoming out the netflix lists of bored teenage boys. As it is, there’s a nightmarish, hypereal quality about things, with fever-dream Giallo colouring. The whole thing shot in the style of Hammer, lots of slow pans and dodgy handheld shaky-cam, and it’s fantastic. Dry Ice swarms around, yapping cannibal eel-maids await in inky black waters, and at the end, we finally see the name of the ship.

Yep, it’s The Marie Celeste.

She-Creature is brilliant, dazzling rubbish that’s born out of time. This tale spins out like a carnival hawkers cries. Brash, overcooked garbage with enough strange turns, grains of truth and half remembered elements from childhood stories to make it stick with you – well worth £2 of anyone’s money!

Ahead of the March 5th arrival of Tim Burton’s epic fantasy version of Alice in Wonderland, we’ve managed to dig up the first music video from the official soundtrack, featuring none other than kohl-eyed mad-as-a-hatter teen Avril Lavigne; the rest of the tracklist also worming it’s way out of Burton’s airtight rabbit hole today and actually contains some pretty good choones:

The tracklisting in full:

1. Alice (Underground) Performed by Avril Lavigne
2. The Poison Performed by The All-American Rejects
3. The Technicolor Phase Performed by Owl City (previously released)
4. Her Name Is Alice Performed by Shinedown
5. Painting Flowers Performed by All Time Low
6. Where’s My Angel Performed by Metro Station
7. Strange Performed by Tokio Hotel and Kerli
8. Follow Me Down Performed by 3OH!3 featuring Neon Hitch
9. Very Good Advice Performed by Robert Smith
10. In Transit Performed by Mark Hoppus with Pete Wentz
11. Welcome to Mystery Performed by Plain White T’s
12. Tea Party Performed by Kerli
13. The Lobster Quadrille Performed by Franz Ferdinand
14. Running Out of Time Performed by Motion City Soundtrack
15. Fell Down a Hole Performed by Wolfmother
16. White Rabbit Performed by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

In related news, check out our exclusive macro-pod (whatever that is) for all the latest news on the movie- and stay tuned for our full Alice in Wonderland review soon!

“He’s doing that voice so it looks like Pirates of The Caribbean”. Wise words indeed from an American friend who sadly missed the unique experience that growing up in Dorset entails. It’s worth pointing out that other helpful advice emanating from this camp included “This is such a Conan rip-off…”

Mixed geneology aside, Kane is a bloody ridiculous dollop of Sword & Sort-Of Sorcery that delves deep into the dark heart of 15th century Britain with some surprisingly good results.

Director Michael J. Bassett has obviously been rewatching the Lord of the Rings trilogy before embarking on filming, but his intensity pays off in his favour, the comparatively tiny budget threading the film with a Hammer Horror sensibility that adds a delicious sense of delirium to proceedings.

The various jobbing thesps put in some great (devilled) hammy performances that stay just the right side of stupid, special nods go to Pete Postlethwaite and Max Von Sydow’s perfectly cast support, providing enough shouty Ac-Torly weight to stop things getting out of hand, but there can be no doubt that this is James Purefoy’s show.

Oi am a zoider driiinkeeer...

His native Somerset tones add a touch of silliness to some of the overly-ripe dialogue, but no more than Arnie’s did for Robert E.Howard’s other, more famous creation 25 years ago. Purefoy is just so fantastically intense here, grimacing and gurning his way through scenes as though his life depends on it, and showing some super sharp action hero moves that should guarantee him a step-up in the blockbuster stakes.

Plotwise it’s typically thin but workable stuff – Kane is a bad dude, so bad in fact that Hell’s own demons pop up early on to tell him that he’s soon to join the choir infernal. One quick conversion to Puritanism later and Soloman is working hard to redeem himself, when –wouldn’t you know it – up pops an eeeeevil sorcerer and steals a local girl, forcing Kane to unleash his Ass-Kicking talents – basically think of this as Unforgiven with no subtext and a ton of added explosions, demons and screechy scenes from – one of the few sour notes – a mis-cast Jason Flemying.

One of the distinct features of all Howard’s magical landscapes was the lack of grandeur, so don’t come to this expecting duelling wizards, instead Soloman Kane keeps it’s sorcery on the hush-hush – at least until the final histrionic showdown – coming across closer to Highlander than Hobbit, and it’s all played so fantastically straight-faced that it dares you not to revel in the action and immerse yourself in the ridiculous world.

A dark, brooding piece of low fantasy that ticks all the right boxes for fans of brutal action looking to forget the terrible likes f Dungeon Quest. Fast, fun and black as pitch.

So far we’ve only had some gorgeous light cycle shots to clue us in on happenings in Tron: Legacy’s computer generated world, but it looks like marketing – or the Master Control Program – are ramping things up online, starting with a truly odd site over at www.flynnlives.com which is playing a weird flash graphic. Rumours are already circulating that it’s a variation on a binary coundown clock, set to stop at: February 24th at 2:30 PM ET.

Whether this ominous date will bring us a new trailer or an invasion by holographic flying tanks remains to be seen…

Blah blah blah Lord of the Rings dude blah blah blah murdered child blah blah blah based on Alice Sebold’s bestseller blah blah blah…

The weight of sure-fire hit mix expectations and complex emotionally and intellectually stimulating source material should be enough to weight The Lovely Bones down in it’s grave, and after his giant monkey mis-step, it’s surprising and heartening to see Jackson deliver a mature fantasy thriller, although he struggles to keep multiple plot-threads from unravelling.

While not entirely successful, it’s testament to Jackson’s filmmaking skill that he manages to keep as many plates spinning as he does, Following sparky but idiotically named Teen Susie Salmon through the afterlife as she influences her family’s lives after neighbour George Harvey grooms and then murders her. Despite the heavy subject matter and 2-hour plus running time, the film carries it’s load lightly, flitting from teen romance to gripping police thriller, and taking a tour through a super-stylised expressionist purgatory that revels in glorious imagery.

While solid support comes from Weisz and Wahlberg as grieving parents, it’s Tucci’s turn as the meticulous killer that stands out. His mannered performance massively distanced from ER’s Dr. Kevin Moretti or any of his more usual light-hearted rom-com turns. The whole thing buries itself in the concept of world building, characters stacking their own odds, with the film moving into meta territory as Harvey rearranges his perfectly set out doll’s house, trapped through his inability to make the ideal setting real. While the Earthbound characters struggle with grief however, the afterlife is a vibrant, wonderful place full of startling imagery –the fleet of ships-in-bottles a particular standout – that ditches Sebold’s original concept in favour of a paean to filmmaking excess that deftly avoids falling into What Dreams May Come Territory and instead remains poignant without becoming sentimental or saccharine.

Saoirse Ronan - Intense, innocent and thoroughly believable.

That isn’t to say that Earthly matters take a back seat here however, as Rose McIver carries a brilliant, terse detective sequence, while there are fine turns from supporters like Susan Sarandon, and even Reece Ritchie manages to avoid the more typical Hollywood visions of Englishness as love interest Ray. In the lead, Saoirse Ronan is great. Intense, innocent and thoroughly believable as Susie, a heartbreaking mixture of naivety and assurance that perfectly captures the teenage condition.

If there are complaints, it’s that the murder itself is hardly depicted as a graphic act, being slightly rushed and while brooded on, it lacks the physical resonance captured in the book. Fortunately Jackson is skilled enough to realise that we don’t need excessive gore – a strange remark about the director of BrainDead to be sure – but instead concentrates on the far more distressing emotional trauma left in the act’s wake.

While not an unqualified success, The Lovely Bones is one of the most daring and captivating examples of filmmaking to hit screens in a long while and deserves every critical back slap and commercial dollar. A strong, inspiring and eminently watchable piece of cinema.

Sean Bean is the latest to sign on for Irvine Welsh’s Magnificent Eleven, a Brit-com update of the down and dirty Yul Bryner 1960 western – Itself a reimagining of Kurosawa’s fantastic Seven Samurai – Joining Dougray Scott and surviving M7 cast member Robert Vaughn. In the most boring press release ever, producer John Adams said:

“Having worked with Irvine Welsh on his feature film Good Arrows, I am certain that the team we have assembled for The Magnificent Eleven can deliver a quality feature film with massive commercial potential.”

Except they can’t, because the cowboys are now an amateur football team, with the ‘Indians’ now running the local takeaway.

All well and good, but if you want to make some cash why not ditch the football, boring-as-fuck northern setting and oh-ho-ho it’s-grim-ooop-north crap jokes in favour of something an international audience might actually want to see.

“ooh- it’s the new Full Monty” I hear you cry, except it isn’t, it’s a complete waste of something that would actually be a half decent action comedy. Fine if you want it to be set in England, plonk a Tac squad in central London and have a violent gang war involving illegally trafficked Eastern European prostitutes – and don’t set it on Balham high street with grim n’ gritty dialogue either – set it in Westminster with a climactic gunfight on Tower Bridge.

Want to be successful British movie industry? Ditch the Rom-Coms, Period Dramas and fiercely provincial underdog comedies and start playing with the big boys.

Pitch Black. That was a pile of crap wasn’t it? Yes it was. Shut up. Anyway, it seems that play-doh-headed star Vin Diesel is all out of cash for 18-sided dice and wife beaters, so he’s decided to return to the role that originally made him a laughing stock/subject of a thousand dorky D&D fans wet dreams.

Talking (well, making a noise like an industrial mangler) to Variety, big Vin reckons this trip will ditch the CGI Dame Judi Denchisms in favour of a stripped back character study, because obviously, he’s always been known for his intricate character acting and ability to completly immerse himself in a role, as witnessed by his Olivier-eclipsing turn in The Pacifier.

Makes the upcoming Escape From New York remake sound almost palatable doesn’t it? Expect this shit to clog up screens in 2012.

My goodness, who’s this safari-suited lothario? Disney are keen to tell us he’s a ‘Swinging batchelor who’s always on the lookout for fun’, which may sound as though they’ve moved into an entirely different arena of filmmaking, but is actually just another great excuse from the house of mouse to sit in bed on a Sunday morning while they entertain your many illigitimate children for you – meet Ken, one of a group of brand new characters who’ll be joining Woody, Buzz and the gang for Toy Story 3.

Uncle Walt’s frozen head was also kind enough to slip these exclusive images of Barbie’s erstwhile lover our way, along with pics of other newbies like the cute as a..erm..pea…Peas in a Pod. Apparently the soft, plush pod secures the happy peas inside with a durable metal zipper, but we’re not here to judge alternative lifestyles:

Anyway, we’ll bring you more on this as soon as we get it, but in the meantime why not check out the TOY STORY 3 official facebook group. not to mention some super-exclusive 360’s of the new faces here and here.

Enjoy!

Dennis Nielson transplanted to an ultra miserabalist Hackney council estate hardly sounds like riveting entertainment, but Gerard Johnson’s deconstructionalist take on everyday serial killing manages to dig some very black laughs out of the grim setting..

Tony (a perfectly odd Peter Ferdinando) is the type of strange, sad little man you often see wandering round Costcutter, replete with brown puffer coat, weird hairdo and carrier bag.

And a flat full of corpses.

He’s naturally the first suspect when a local child goes missing, and the film makes the most of the irony, Tony getting away with mutilating dozens of victims, but being hounded when he’s falsely accused of paedophilia.

There’s also a touch of urban alienation commentary here, with Tony killing so that he has someone to talk to, propping up bodies and offering them tea in front of the TV – and killing a license inspector who threatens to remove it, while the viewing choice is a selection of 80’s action movies on VHS, a quirky character attribute that shows how far the rest of the world has moved on from this sad little man.

Johnson capably chronicles some of London’s more dead-end areas, with bit parts for the full range of Chavish street life, and tension is kept high as Tony lets plenty of possible victims go, leaving you completely in the dark as to who will be attending a ghoulish night in next, while there’s some great moments of hard-to-watch mundanity – A gay clubber offering sex in exchange for a bed gets a hammer to the forehead when his lame conversation runs out – as he routinely disposes of the bodies of people no one cares about.

The setting is surprisingly realistic given the possibility for melodrama here that brings Mike Leigh to mind, and the whole movie is better for it, uncomfortable but occasionally very amusing against the concrete estate odds. It demystifies its villain, a loner but not a mysterious one, just a boring loser with nothing better to do, Tony is a weird little gem of a movie that grips as strongly as it repels.

Trailer (IMDB)

Ah the Great White Shark, cinema’s premiere super-beastie since the mid 70’s, is all set for a comeback according to insiders at Universal. Apparently the success of 3D releases – including of course, Mr.J.Cameron’s latest Avatar – means we’ll be seeing an all-new, all-intruding-into-your-eyeballs version of chum-chomping classic Jaws in the near future.

This also means of course, that the blockbuster has finally come full circle and will become extinct over the next few years, leaving us with independant releases about midewestern farmers struggling with homosexuality. And sharks.

More on this over at cinemablend

Thanks to watching Hausu last week, STS has curtailed our planned Japanese vacation in favour of somewhere less likely to cause loss of control over bowel functions. Instead, the staff have decided to head west this year in search of some sun – but where to stay when we get there? Luckily the movies have plenty of suggestions– we checked through the brochures down at Kubrick’s Travel in order to find the perfect holiday location – we’re checking in, so why not join us and check out: The Best Movie Hotels!

Bates Motel – Southern California (Psycho)

Combining beautiful views across Godforsakenville, southern california, with a mouldering smell and cramped prefab cabins, The Bates Motel is steeped in 50’s authenticity that’s been carefully preserved thanks to a recent makeover, but its on service that this place really wins out. We found our host to be considerate but unobtrusive, demonstrating our room’s luxury bathroom features for our benefit, while the kitchen was impressively equipped (with knives anyway). When we did uncover a problem-a case of woodworm in the bathroom wall by the looks of things, he wasted no time in reporting our concerns directly to the management.

The Overlook Hotel – Colorado (The Shining)

Perfect for a quiet getaway, the impressively situated Overlook is a hidden gem that’s perfect for couples or family holidays. Children will delight in exploring the seemingly endless corridors-we were often met with requests to come and play-while access is via a unique ’snow ramp’ leading to the extensive, maze-like gardens. Ideal for a family holiday or a working break.

Bernie Lomax’s luxury villa , Rhode Island (Weekend at Bernies)

Despite its exclusive position in upscale Block Island, the rates at Bernie’s were astoundingly low, our host waving away our concerns about the bill. In the day he’d often join us as we lounged around the pool, but still found time to organise some great evening events, while moonlit strolls on the beach were accompanied by displays of Caribbean-style dancing. Perfect for that weekend getaway.

Heavenly Havens – Mega City One (Judge Dredd)

Stopping off in the Big Meg as we returned from our Aspen retreat, we were concerned that Heavenly Havens didn’t match our brochure pictures – we’d been looking forward to enjoying the roof-top pool – luckily we were soon made to feel at home by the many colourful other guests. Engaging in friendly rivalry with a similar nearby establishment, Havens boasts a unique automated catering service, an extensive shooting gallery for the outdoor sports fan, and a security service that’s second to none.

Biff Tannen’s Pleasure Palace, Hill Valley. (Back to the Future Part II)

Where once a dilapidated courthouse stood, a symbol of the equally dilapidated notions of truth and justice, America’s greatest living folk hero saw fit to erect this monument to those altogether more interesting bastions of society: Gambling and Hookers! Why not roa around the loud, tartan-clad museum, or head to the roof for a hot-tub threesome and some gun practice?

The Mint – Las Vegas (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

It may be a faceless linoleum nightmare, but this is one place where service really counts. If you’re a drugged-up counter-cultural icon anyway! If you’re a law-enforcement official you may want to double check your booking, but for the more scurrilous holidaymaker, feel free to keep ordering room service even when you’ve flooded the lounge of your suite with vodka. Hey, Rolling Stone is paying for it right?

Universal’s attempts to update it’s classic monster properties have so far met with little success, instead inflicting the likes of Van Helsing on audiences and squandering some truly great premises, and while The Wolman won’t be to everyone’s taste, it’s certainly a step up from CGI fests such as The Mummy.

From the get go, there’s a very different feel about this film – that’s ‘film’ as opposed to ‘movie’ – with a pervading sense of dread that matches the original. The opening hunt scene showcases the Werewolf as a dangerous, feral predator lurking in the foggy wastes, and while there’s certainly a touch of CGI enhancement to the mist drifting about, it’s a fun, scary addition that we haven’t seen since American Werewolf’s moor-stalking.

After the quick and surprisingly bloody intro, we bump into the victim’s brother Lawrence Tutwell (Benicio Del Toro, cheekily foreshadowing events as he plays the lead in an on-screen production of Hamlet) and the film scores a genuinely huge bonus with it’s leading man, bringing a detailed, grounded and pathetic character rendition to the screen. Indeed, the presence of so many genuinely heavyweight thesps brings a gloriously Hammer-esque feel to proceedings – straight faced, and as such adding a delicious sense of camp without resorting to knowing winks or cheesy one liners. Director Joe Johnston certainly can’t be accused of talking down to his audience either, engaging with complex psychological questions – albeit with a light touch – as Del Toro questions if his transformations are real or a dream.

Indeed, this may turn out to be the film’s downfall; whether the measured plot and slow-ratcheting tension will hold the attention of a mainstream audience remains questionable, but the overall effect is engaging and never resorts to cat-in-cupboard moments to generate scares.

As the conclusion looms however, the action cranks up, the Wolfman stalking the city streets for an action-packed hunt, while there’s a lovely sequence at a masked ball that gives Johnston the chance to drop in his visual reference quota with marvellous, wryly amusing results.

While this may benefit from some editorial tightening, it’s nice to see a mainstream blockbuster that isn’t scared of taking it’s time with an ordered plot and engaging storyline. The cast are marvellous and we can only hope that this thinking monster movie marks a precedent after the woeful Steven Sommers excesses of previous attempts.

The Freezepop T-Shirt in the back of my wardrobe is proof that we’ve all done stupid things to impress girls, but Nick Twisp takes it a bit further than most in Dimension Film’s new adap of C.D.Payne’s enormous teen saga, and just about gets away with it too.

Living in a trailer with Zakk Galifianakis isn’t my idea of fun either, so when Michael Cera’s secretly-cool dorky Twisp bumps into Sheeni Saunders, he seizes on her Francophilia with a vengeance, creating an entirely new hipster persona – the preposterously monikered Francois Dillinger – and sets about an escalating campaign of crime –all in the name of love naturally.

Payne’s original book is absurdist in the extreme, but transfers well to the screen thanks to it’s penchant for blackly-humorous, if ridiculous, skits that nailed their colours to that staple of teen drama: Girls love a bad boy.

Cera himself is a great piece of casting. Over the past year his career went into mini-freefall with the likes of Year One blotting his otherwise impeccable CV, but it helped foster a nice guy loser persona that he delights in ripping to shreds here, his performance subtle and tinged with spite. He excels in scenes where his two personalities play off against each other, Francois pencil-tache lips sneering with just the right amount of Gallic stereotype, while the surrealist touches that director Arteta excels at make it impossible not to laugh, even when watching the ravings of a split-personality nutjob. You’ll find yourself drawn to Dillinger, his Tyler Durden-lite blackmail and arson curiously loveable and compelling as he fights his very odd fight to get the girl.

Overall the movie relies a little too heavily on set-pieces, coming off as a surrealist sketch show at times, but with able performances from the leads and strong support from the likes of Steve Buscemi (as Cera’s teen-chasing dad) it ends up being a comic teen Fight Club that hopefully marks an end to Cera’s downward slump.

It seems that director Joe Johnston has been using his post-Wolfman time wisely, bypassing regional premieres in favour of homing in on a lead for The First Avenger: Captain America.
Chatting to Marvel.com, Johnston says he expects to announce a lead in the next fortnight.

“We need to cast it soon,” said Johnston. “We have a very short list, but we’re still juggling actors here. I’d say within the next couple of weeks we’ll have ourselves a Captain America, I hope.”

Sam Worthington was most recently linked to the star-spangled spandexer, but it’s unclear whether the grunting half-wall half SHOUTING ACTOR has made the shortlist. Tyrese still appears to be in the running for the role of proto-super soldier Isaiah Bradley.

Despite some shouting from fanboys – and speculation that the plot may include Marvel’s dodgy Brit-hero Union Jack – Johnston is still set on filming in the UK, which given the WWII period piece that’s been mooted, makes perfect sense, with Marvel’s head honcho Kevin Fiege claiming it will be
“One of the most international films we’ve done”. So Europe-wide Nazi-crushing super-carnage then – this can only be a good thing.

Normally we don’t go for direct press puffery here at STS – prefering to think our journalistic integrity is worth a pint or two at least – but the 25th of February sees the premiere of Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland, and we’re willing to make an exception as the 3D extravaganza and the nice chaps from Disney will be transforming London’s Leicester Square for the event in aid of The Prince’s Foundation for Children & the Arts

The entire cast—including Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, Anne Hathaway as the White Queen and newcomer Mia Wasikowska as Alice will be attending, and hopefully we’ll be able to distinguish Tim burton and Helena Bonham-Carter from the drunks stumbling out of Chinatown as the entire place gets it’s bi-annual scrub down in preperation for a royal visit (that’s HRH The Prince of Wales, not Stephen Fry).

We’ve already seen some pretty stunning visuals – including the (did we mention it was exclusive? we probably should) new image of Anne Hathawy above – from the movie, as Alice “embarks on a fantastical journey to find her true destiny and end the Red Queen’s reign of terror” apparently. Oh -and it’s in lovely 3D – not sure how that works with the Cheshire Cat but hey-ho.

Alice in Wonderland is released across the UK on March the 5th on 2D, Disney Digital 3D and IMAX® 3D screens, so come on down and join in as we attempt to sneak past the bouncers and cram your camera full of celebrity goodness in aid of a good cause.

Fig 1: Not Wearing Any Pants Under Here....

Movie heroes – you wish you were like that right? Kicking ass and taking names? You’d be so cool wouldn’t you?
Well, actually, no you wouldn’t. You’d be a boorish dickweed.

We’re not even talking about slimy Matthew Mconaughey rom-com assholes here either, in fact it seems that the cooler you look on-screen, the more of a spaz you’d be in real life. Men hate them, women can’t wait to escape them – we consider how well your big screen archetypes would cope in real life and quickly discover they’d be useless twats…

Han Solo

Oh sure, Han seems cool doesn’t he? With his flashy spaceship, hanging out with Billy Dee Williams. But seriously, would you hire him to tarmac your driveway? He turns up wearing skinny jeans and a waistcoat-attire completely unsuitable for manual labour- with an obviously intimidating ‘friend’, and demands half the cash up front. Then as soon as the cops wander past he drops the job halfway through, and when you go to complain, he shoots you!

Tyler Durden

So, you meet this geezer on a plane and make a bit of polite chat. Hey, you’re going to be sitting together for four hours – you might as well get along right? What does this charity-shop clad underwear model do? He rips into you for making a bad joke, forces you to give him all your cash, gets you involved with criminals, and steals your girlfriend! Got a problem with that? He and his fat friends will blow up your house- actually blow it up over a difference of opinion. What an asshole.

James Bond

In he stalks, all expensive suits and hairplugs. “Fancy a beer mate?” You politely enquire. No, he wants a fucking martini. He critiques your taste, despite having none of his own – if he’s not going on about his bloody Omega watch or his Aston, it’s “that’s as bad as listening to The Beatles – without wearing earmuffs”. You grin and bear it until he leaves, which he does – by kicking a hole in your kitchen window after drowning your French exchange student in the kitchen sink. Let’s face it, he’s a complete cock.

Bruce Wayne

“Oh, I don’t think finding a table for me and the two Eastern European prostitutes I’ve bought to a formal dinner with my estranged girlfriend will be a problem – I own the hotel.”

What a complete wanker.

John McClaine

So, he’s stalking his estranged wife across the country when there’s a hostage situation downtown. What does Johnny boy do? He’s a policeman remember, so he should know to keep quiet and negotiate. Nope. Despite the fact there’s a hundred innocent people at risk, he punches a guy in the throat and starts firing a gun in the air, blatantly putting everyone at risk. When the authorities arrive, he blasts a gun in the air at them, swears in front of children, drinks heavily and racially abuses people outside their own homes. No wonder his kids hate him.

Here at STS we can often be found with our noses buried in a copy of Vice magazine, possibly because of the propensity to publish full page spreads of senmi-naked women, but why go to the trouble of reading all that close-set typeface when Viceland have a movie outlet? It’s not all hipster-ridiculousness however, as there latest delves into a serious subject with startling results.

According to the bods at the Vice UK office:

Co-directed and produced by Vice UK’s editor Andy Capper and Leo Leigh, *Swansea Love Story* is about the largely unreported heroin epidemic in South Wales. The film is an intimate look at the lives of a gang of young addicts, their families and their surroundings. The film examines how unemployment, the breakdown of the family and the nature of love contribute to the dilemmas faced by a group of young people.

Leo is the son of Mike Leigh incidentally, and it seems he’s inherited his fathers talent for compelling character studies as the film sheds light on a dirty secret that needs to be uncovered. Check out the trailer above and head over to VBS.TV where the film will be airing in 6 parts from February 12th.

Hitler! Stalin! Ming The Mercyless! Names that live on in the annals of infamy. There’s no denying it; people love a good villain, and remember them too! So why are so many of them..well… a bit shit? We run through some of cinema’s baddest muthas and discover that they really aren’t all that great! In fact, most filmic menaces are a bunch of yakkety idiots with nothing better to do – it’s The Worst Villains In Cinema!

1: The Terminator

It’s from the future, it’s been built to kill you.And it absolutely will not stop, until you are dead. Except it does. The shiftless layabout.
The problem with sending a machine to secure the victory of machines is that it couldn’t give a rat’s ass. Instead the big ol’ T-101 spends most of the movie alternating between cruising The Strip’s alternative nightlife -makes sense for a leather-clad Austrian I guess- and booking itself into seedy hotels. Would you let a room to a one eyed death machine? You would? Classy establishment you’re running there pal.

2: The Kurgan – Highlander

Long before it descended into pony-tailed Afro-Cuban stupidity, Highlander was pretty good. If you ignored the accents. And the villain. Sure big Vik looked the part, stalking about with a misshapen head and a cloak made from pig parts, and he talked a good fight-hi, I’m candy. Of course you are- but that’s about it. He spends pretty much the entire running time driving about with a queen 8-track glued to the stereo. Even when he does meet the Belgian Scotsman Macloud, he hangs out, gibbering like a loon and vaguely annoying nuns by putting his feet on the furniture.
Eventually Lambert’s squinty face annoys him enough for a fight…and he’s shit. Waving a bloody great cleaver about at 2 miles an hour-hardly Darth Maul is he? Speaking of which…

3: Darth Vader

Hi, I’m Darth Vader, an evildoer with an entire star fleet at my back and call. I’m also your dad. And despite my troops knowing where you were, it still took me two whole movies to mention it. Commitment issues? Or just a bureaucratic bigwig who couldn’t organise a nun shoot in a church? Basically he’s taken a leaf out of the ‘let’s sit in a big chair and hope it all goes alright’ management style of his boss.
Bloody useless, and never polishes his helmet to boot.

4: Nero – Star Trek 2009

Ok, so he’s been in the new Trek universe for…oh, about 25 years right? Hanging about on the edge of space in a massive super-advanced spaceship that could kick the entire Federation’s collective ass. And he knows where both Vulcan and Earth are. So what does he do? He stays there.
“oh…I’m…erm…waiting for Spock…” he mumbles. Waiting for Godot more like. And when he finally does turn up he hasn’t even the wit or grace to come up with a properly scary opening line, instead going with: “Hello Jim”. Hardly Hamlet is it?
Let’s face it, he’s shit.

5: The Humugous – Mad Max II: The Road Warrior

Well, he looks intimidating enough, with his weird lumpy head and overpumped bodybuilder physique. But what does he actually do? Bugger all that’s what. He sits in his shiny penis extension dragster, shouting about horror and petrol and shaking his fists, and then lets the perverted idiots following him around do all the hard work. Surely ‘can steer a car a bit’ isn’t really a qualification for leadership is it? Utterly useless, and unattractive with it!

6: The Velociraptors –Jurassic Park

Well, they’re mean and green which is a good start, and with those claws and pointy teeth you’d think they’d be classic villain material. Except…why the hell are they bothering? Apparently they’re super-smart pack hunters, hell bent on gobbling up Laura Dern et al, and we sympathise. But why, on an island full of pig-thick lumbering meat factories, would they choose to relentlessly pursue the only prey with a PHD and opposable thumbs? There’s no point, meaning theses guys rank as vicious little twerps –the giant monster version of a pack of Chavs.

These are the worst offenders, but we know there’s a ton more out there – do you think Sean Pertwee from the atrocious Equilibrium should have qualified? Maybe you find the Joker about as menacing as a small kitten in a knitted purple suit? Let us know!