It’s the movie equivalent of suckling 8 pints of liquid testosterone directly from breast of a Playboy Playmate Of The Year while arm-wrestling a bear. On fire. It’s Robert Rodriguez’s ridiculous Machete and it’s sparked a bidding war between six major production companies. 20^th Century Fox, already signed up for the Desperado director’s Predators, finally secured the deal this week…

The movie, which was co-written and co-directed by long-time collaborator and editor Ethan Maniquis, is the ultimate wet dream fantasy of (admittedly, mostly male) movies fans everywhere. If the name sounds familiar, it’s because it was one of the fake Grindhouse trailers which arguably caused more of a buzz on release than the two films themselves.

If you don’t believe us, how does this sound? We’ll use bullet points to make it look even more dramatic:

• Machete is Mexican hardman Danny Trejo in his first starring role
• Robert De Niro and Steven Seagal are in THE SAME FUCKING MOVIE!
• There’s Cheech Marin shooting people
• Special Effect genius Tom Savini adds to the From Dusk ‘Til Dawn reunion.

Oh, and:

• Jessica Alba’s in it.
• Michelle Rodriguez’s in it.
• Lindsay Lohan’s in it.

And so is Nash Bridges and that bloke from Lawnmower Man. But don’t let that put you off.

Consider that Machete is due to hit cinemas at a similar time to Sylvester Stallone’s frankly insane-sounding mercenaries-on-a-mission actioner The Expendables and you’ve got to ask yourself something: Even for a Playmate Of The Year, is there gonna be enough room in those breasts for all that testosterone…? Of course not, it was a metaphor.

Unfortunately there isn’t a bar fight in seminal rockumentary This Is Spinal Tap, but that didn’t stop us turning this list up to 11 when we realised just how much we love extreme violence in public places. Pay close attention and take notes for your next Rotary Club meeting, as we take an ass-kicking, chair-swinging tour through some of the best Bar Brawls in movie history:

1: Roadhouse

The Daddy! Ever watched a kung-fu movie? Of course you have lame-o, and what did you notice? That’s right! whenever Bruce/Jackie/Chuck is face-kicking someone, they’re doing it wearing espadrilles -those soft woven slippers that you wear when you’re poncing about on your daddy’s yacht, you big wuss. The important thing about these footwear of course, is that the provide superb balance. In Roadhouse, Patrick Swayze does the same thing…in CUBAN HEELS! Now I’ve tried, and frankly it’s hard to even walk in a pair of cowboy boot, let alone kick a high volume of ass, but Swayze manages it with aplomb, backed up only by Sam Elliot’s weaponized moustache and his counterweight mullet.Proof positive that real men can dance AND lay down the smack.

2: Gremlins

Every small town bar has a cross-dressing alcoholic – except yours obviously, but that’s because you hang around The Ritz sipping creme de menthe – but only Kingston Fall’s has one that’s also a flesh-eating shape changer – you just don’t see local colour like that any more. Once they’ve had a few, the overly-lubricated monsters aren’t content just to smash the place up -instead they incorporate the entire gamut of barmaid-annoying activities, variously exposing themselves, firing guns in the air and worst of all -spilling booze on the pool table velvet.

3: Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Who’d have thought that shouting ‘Vagina’ in a seafood restaurant would cause so much trouble?Hedwig and the titular band of eastern-block rockers learn the hard way, as Hedwig’s lament over her missing member causes an explosion of homophobic violence par excellence, culminating in the big-wigged she/he flying blissfully over the crowd of warring liberals and rednecks, observing spontaneous beatings and make-out sessions aplenty, not to mention featuring the most violent application of an all-you-can-eat prawn cocktail bar in movie history.

4: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

Another reason why a remake of this is a terrible idea – with the rise of online gambling, there’s just no reason to shout “whoah – three aces!” at your fellow card sharps -but if you find a way, then the result is one of the most fun-looking bar brawls in wild west history. There may be more epic examples of cowboy fisticuffs on film, but very few manage to incorporate a time traveling phone box and an early 90s bowl haircut (not to mention several semi-naked back room ladies).

5:Police Academy 2

Like everything in the Police Academy movies, The Blue Oyster Bar certainly went downhill when it relocated from Howell avenue. Where once the uniformed bears who frequent the place were happy to spend their time tango-ing to Bimbo Jet numbers, by the second movie they’re more likely to be found roughing up invading street punks. Lucky for them there’s a seven-foot tall police officer/dreamboat on hand to put down any trouble – by beating up everyone involved and sticking them in a chickenwire dog kennel. Community policing in action.

6:Raider of the Lost Ark

Everyone loves punching a Nazi in the face, and Raiders features a large selection of Hitler’s stooges being variously punched, kicked, whipped and drunk under the table like the fairies they are. In 1982 the sight of a fascist having an ancient amulet branded into his flesh was considered fun for all the family – exactly as it should be.

7: Daredevil

He may be blind, but that doesn’t stop Matt Murdoch from beating twenty shades of shit out of the hulking mobsters in possibly the worst metal bar in the world. While we’re all for positive representations of the physically disabled in society, it cant be good for their rep to have them up on screen dressed head to toe in leather and kicking people in the throat – certainly livens up a dull movie though!

8: Star Trek

Kirk-Fu has been well documented in these pages, but its curiously absent from the 2009 reboot, with Captain Chris Pine getting his ass handed to him on numerous occasions – not that it stops this sequence from being incredibly entertaining. Let’s face it, if you were suddenly involved in a smackdown with 6 uniformed security officers, then you’d probably go straight for the balls as well. Now that’s the kind of captain you can respect.

9: Star Wars

Proof, if it were needed, that starting trouble is a bad idea – even if you’re a bum-faced walrus man from venus. Certainly the shortest fight on the list, but also the most violent -where the other’s feature people being punched in the head, George Lucas prefers chopping their arms off! Frankly if you’re going to start trouble with a geezer with a laser-sword then you’re asking for trouble. The fact that he’s about 80 years old and backs it up with the cut-glass enunciation of Alec Guinness just makes him seem even harder.

10:Blade

OK, so the ‘bar’ in question is actually a disused meat-packing factory, but that doesn’t stop this from being one of the greatest examples of movie violence going. Where normal fights utilise pool-cues and shattered glasses, Wesley Snipes decides to up the ante and go with laser-sighted stakes, ‘UV-Grenades’ and a whirling silver shuriken that chops your legs off. Probably not a good idea to spill his pint then.

11: Terminator 2

We’ve all been there. You’re enjoying a quiet game of pool with a few friends when a naked Austrian robot from the future barges in and tries to steal your clothes. Naturally you’d refuse. BIG. Mistake. Its all well and good watching the Governator tussle it out with other robotic assassins, but the real fun comes from watching him hurl bikers onto hot-plates and shatter jaws with a single punch. A perfect example of why bullying works.

Plenty of ‘Best Movie of the Decade’ lists have crawled out of the woodwork lately but luckily we were too lazy to bother – for the record, I’m torn between Aqua teen Hunger Force Colon , City of Ember and The Sasquatch Gang – but that didn’t stop plenty of other, lesser movie sites pumping them out like Roger Ebert’s ill-born spawn. ( Filmschoolrejects even went as far as compiling a list of every movie of the decade. And missed about 50,000 movies -good list though.)

Anyway, it seems that all these critical shenanigans created enough raw data to be fed into the cold, cash-centric crystal mind of a robocritic and create a mathematical equasion that reveals the definitive best movies of the decade.
Apparently hollywood.com staffer C.Robert Cargill wasn’t satisfied with mere opinions, deciding instead to back his shit up with cold hard facts. Well, you can prove anything with facts can’t you?

According to this droning boredom leper:

In a vain attempt at a public display of futility, I have compiled a list of the TOP TEN FILMS OF THE DECADE as they were seen at the end of the decade. Here’s how I did it: I began with the box office grosses of each film – after all, this list needs to take public opinion into account. If everyone saw a particular movie, there had to be something really great going on, right? But as you’re already thinking to yourself, box office numbers isn’t going to cut it. So I created something I call the “Critique Modifier.” Using Rotten Tomatoes and IMDb, I created a percentage by averaging the RT Freshness score with the IMDb user ratings of the 50 highest-grossing films of the 2000s. For example, if a film had an 8.0 user rating, that became an 80 and was averaged with its Freshness rating (in this case, let’s say 70), to get it Critique Modifier of 75 percent. Then I simply multiplied the percentage against the domestic box office (foreign audiences tend to favor visuals and cannot hear bad acting – thus I left it to the native language speakers).

Jesus Christ, he sounds like a laugh riot doesn’t he? So basically:

RT / IMDB x (+/-)£% = Cinematic Genius!

And the winners are:

Iron Man
Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith
Finding Nemo
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Spider-Man 2
Spider-Man
The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Shrek 2
The Dark Knight
Avatar

This list is rubbish and boring, and contains neither little-seen Tom Waits comedy The Wristcutters, or any of the Transporter films, and proves what a bunch of boring dipshits the average theatre audience are. Anyway, should settle arguments down the pub.

Tony Stark may get an all-new weaponised tin can to play in Iron Man 2 – not to mention back up from War Machine – but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a cautious type. Obviously not itching to become cannon fodder – or given the plot, whip-fodder – it seems we’ll be treated to a series of ‘Battle Drone’ suits as well – and our friends over at Diamond Toys Select have seen them all. And made teeny-tiny little models of them!

Now you too can experience the unique pleasure of inflicting battle-damage on a massive suit of armour armed only with a candle (or pulling Gwyneth Paltrow’s head off – whatever floats your boat ya weirdy ). Now if we can just figure out who the figure in black below is….

News from our friends over at Electricspectre of something that might just -just-make the Star Wars prequel trilogy palatable: 3D!

FUN FACT: Did you know that in Phantom Menace most of the shots of Yoda were a puppet? Don’t worry though, those shots were re-done in CG for the new trilogy re-release. Yup.

On an unrelated note, Star Wars fans must once again brace for impact, as according to an interview with Access Hollywood (and received by ‘leccyspectre via Pocket Lint) Lucas has been inspired by Avatar to give Star Wars a three dimensional make-over.

“We’ve been looking for years and years and years of trying to take ‘Star Wars’ and put it in 3-D,” George explained to Access. “But, [the] technology hasn’t been there. We’ve been struggling with it, but I think this will be a new impetus to make that happen.”

Star Wars in 3D would be pretty sweet. However, many fans will be concerned that Lucas decides to do a little bit of extra tampering “whilst we’re here, y’know” and gives Boba Fett a supersoaker or something.

Thoughts?

Studios have a hard-on for that non-pirateable third dimension right now, so it’s only right that the mac daddy of merchandising gets the treatment, and if beirdy overlord Lucas says it-it’s the law – STS is looking forward to ducking flying Gungans soon…

What with Monday’s anouncement that Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides will begin filming soon in Hawaii, you might think that the mass of Depp hitting our screens is about to reach critical mass. It seems Disney are betting against it though-which is why they were nice enough to furnish us with some lovely new stills from Tim Burton’s sure-to-be-massive Alice In Wonderland. Check out the Deppster in all his ginger glory above , and read on for an exclusive mini podcast with some sneak plot details, and yet more wonderful imagery -including a pic of Alice that caused several innapropriate outbursts among the STS staff. Whatever reception the movie receives, there’s no denying it’ll be beautiful to watch…

Check out our exclusive Character Gallery below:

With the winter sleet still lashing the windows outside a relaxing break in the sun sounds pretty good about now doesn’t it? Well, here at STS we care about you pasty Morlocks, and know that not all of you have a wealthy relative with some massive pile in the country you can escape to-which is why we’d like to invite you along to Soho’s Curzon Cinema this Friday, 22nd Jan, where some charming young people would love you to join them for a few days in the country.

In a house that’s alive.

And wants to eat you.

You guessed it – it’s Midnight Movies time again, and there’s something a bit special for you up-all-night Soho ghosts-the first and only showing of Nobuhiko Obayashi’s japanese freak out Hausu! Get down to Piccadilly this Friday, enjoy a cocktail from the generous folks at Jameson’s Cult Film Club, and get in with the in crowd (and the STS staff) as good looking young people fall down wells, get choked by plughole hair, and contend with a flying, blood vomiting portrait of a kitten-and then things get really weird…

This is the only chance to see this masterpiece of wackjobbery on the big screen, and with a chance to win a whole bunch of Eureka DVD goodies and a great party to boot, you’ll need a better excuse than ‘I was fighting off a killer lampshade’ to miss it!

Book Tickets Here!

I know I know, we’re supposed to only cover movies with explosions/Jason Statham causing explosions/William Shatner blowing up giant spiders. And you’re right…you’re right. Unfortunately some of us know real live members of the opposite sex, who make us wash on a semi-regular basis, and eat green things (Skittles don’t count apparently). And they also inflict this on us – lucky for you we’re a bastion of balanced, representative journalism eh? Best treat it as a public service – if you ever do manage to set up an internet date that doesn’t have a beard and get out of your parent’s basement to go on it -this’ll give you something to talk about won’t it?

Anyhoo, Rob Marshall has once more decided to inflict his ability to get major Hollywood stars to dance sort-of in time, in a line on us again and it’s..well, it’s crap isn’t it? Chicago is one of the most sucessful musicals of all time – proving that popularity isnt really the best barometer for quality – but it does at least have a rip-roaring storyline and some classic showtunes backing up a variety of leggy show-offs. When it doesn’t involve Richard Geere, it’s borderline tolerable (high praise indeed). Nine, unfortunately, is unlikely ever to see Jennifer Ellison parading about and bellowing it’s high notes off kilter. Despite surfeits of gloss it never quite connects with the audience’s tin-ear, it’s musical review smorgasbord of tunes bringing up uncomfortable memories of the terror that is summer stock, while the choreography is curiously lacklustre, Marshall seemingly substituting swing-chairs for real moves.

But let’s concentrate on the good bits shall we? Daniel Day-Lewis won’t be recreating his There Will Be blood success with lightweight fluff like this, but he’s entertaining enough to save proceedings from floating away under it’s own wind power.
Plot wise we get to follow Federico Fellini as he shags his way across town and suffers from the mother of all glitzy, all-singing, all-dancing guilt trips because of it. Of course, fellini was actually happily married, but hey-this is musical theatre, and facts shouldn’t get in the way of tap and jazz-hands. Backing him up twin Oscar winners Marion Cotillard and Penelope Cruz are sexy and fun in unrewarding roles, with Cruz in particular smoking nominal lead Nicole Kidman off the screen whenever she appears. Oh-and Dame Judi Dench and Sophia Loren also pop up to embarrass themselves at various intervals, quacking about and mainly serving to get in the way of Cruz’ magnificent rack – but it’s testament to the bizarre star wattage of Marshall that they agreed to appear at all.

Weirdly, the real standout is Kate Hudson – seemingly the worst fit for a musical – who really shines here. Her rendition of Cinema Italiano is (almost) note perfect, and once she dissapears the film suddenly seems a lot less fun.

All in, this is spectacular fluff, and as such is beyond any regular form of criticism – flashy costumes and dodgy tunes wrapped up in some half-assed performances still manage to be more than the sum of their parts, but it’s just not enough to satisfy. In a perfect world it would do badly enough to prevent Marshall foisting any more of this crap on us, but hey-there’s a recession on, a bit of jiggling is just what you great unwashed masses need. Here’s to the economic revival.

Despite the very, very odd casting – Adrian Brody as an alien-fighting marine anyone? – Nimrod Antal’s new/old take on Predator looks to be shaping up nicely, with dedicated fan site AVPGalaxy getting hold of some tasty set pics that show the Arnie-Era jungle aesthetic very much in place. With glimpses of ‘Super-Predators’ sneaking onto the net – not to mention glimpses of cast members rammed onto giant wooden spikes – Predators could be just the reboot the multi-mandibled hunter killers need.

Predators should hit screens later this year – in the meantime why not check out the full gallery?

Repost from our video game obsessed compadres over at Electric Spectre

Hollywood has not learnt its lesson and we have yet another video game adaptation hitting the big screen in the form of Tekken. The King Of Iron Fist Tournament is hardly known for it’s great story – family at war, throw each other off cliffs, turn into devils and bond by throwing more people off cliffs. Check out the trailer above:

That being said, they could have gone for Oscar glory by following the heartwarming story of my favourite character: King. King works for an orphanage and takes part in the Tekken tournament to raise money for the kids in care. Check out King’s ending to Tekken 2 below and try not to shed a tear.

This time of year, everybody likes to take a break somewhere hot and sunny – although following a man who used to get naked and kill people, not to mention occasionally drinking their blood around a war-torn hellhole where families are often left with no choice but to bed down in used graves isn’t everyone’s ideal vacation – but doing this type of thing is what makes VICE magazine so gosh-darned hot, sexy, and interesting to know isn’t it?

2009 saw VICE founder Shane Smith and adventurous editor Andy Capper heading to Liberian capital Monrovia  and hooking up with Joshua Blahyi – the aforementioned “General Butt Naked” , famous for running an army with a unique uniform: Shoes….and that’s it.  As well as spending time in jails, brothels and heroin dens as they investigate the aftermath of 14 years of civil war – and incredibly, making the whole thing thoroughly entertaining!

Check out the trailer above – and look out for our full review soon.

Despite all our bright eyed looking to the future lately, here at STS we’re still a bunch of miserable old bastards – a fact resolutely hammered home by the recent news that Jackie Chan is now old enough to play Mr.Miyagi. The greatest Martial artist of our youth – after China O’Brien – reduced to playing a wrinkly Yoda analogue. Add to this the fact that he’s accompanied by Jaden Smith -meaning The Fresh Prince is old enough to have a son -and we can almost hear the undertakers sizing us up as we dodder down the street.

Now, other blogs might try to age with dignity, but inspired by Jackie, we’ve decided to fight the ageing process to the death, and in order to take out such a dastardly opponent, we’ll need the finest martial arts movie makers can possibly conjure! If you made it through that convoluted opening paragraph then you might just be tough enough to check out The Greatest Movie Martial Arts!

Fuk Yu – So I Married An axe Murderer

Despite it’s odious reputation as a predecessor to Mike Myers predilection for terrifyingly bad Scottish accents, this mid 90’s rom-com does have one major plus -the ancient Scottish fighting style Fuk Yu. According to the DVD notes, it includes biting, headbutting your opponent and -in the event of a tie -drinking them into submission, and if falling asleep outside in Scotland doesn’t kill you, the art’s main weapon will – the deadly under-cooked haggis.

Rex Kwan Do – Napolean Dynamite

Bow To Your Sensei!!You think Rex goes home to Starla every night because he’s a pussy? Hell no, he’s come up with possibly the most useful fighting style in the world – mainly consisting of kicking people in the head when they mock your unnecessarily roomy trousers. Hey – it’s basically an excuse to punch out those weaker or more geeky than yourself; what’s not to love?

Bending -Avatar, The Last Airbender

If you’re going to practice something called bending, you’d better be pretty damn tough. Apparently each form of bending – I can’t believe I spend my time writing things like this by the way – is based on a real martial art, but I don’t recall Tai Chi ever giving me the ability to flood the city with a giant tidal wave or control a monstrous bison – and not for lack of trying I can tell you.

Robot Jox.

Imagine,if you can, a world where massive demilitarization has taken place. Not an explosive device for a hundred thousand miless in any direction. Now imagine you have access to a 20 metre high robot with missiles on it.

That knows Kung-Fu.

And tell me you wouldn’t be running the show. Despite attempting to make jockeys cool-by adding an ‘X’ to their name- and an 18 rating, Robot Jox still spawned a legion of tiny 90’s fanboys that saw it through 2 laclustre sequels – surely we’re due a J.J.Abrahms reboot soon? Anyway-it’s got giant robots beating each other up!

Shaq-Fu.

Ok, technically not a movie, but Shaq himself was in z-list superhero flick Steel so I’m putting it in anyway – unless you have a better source of basketball-based asskickery equipped with the worst fight interface ever designed?
I thought not.
There’s no other way to say it – Shaq-Fu is shit,but it’s also fucking ridiculous,which counts for a lot round here – head on over to www.saveshaq-fu.com and snag a copy(Sega version natch)before rival www.shaqfu.com destroys them all forever!

Kirk-Fu.

In a list already high on Fu, you’ve got to have something special to stand out, and this combination of of double-axehandles, side kicks and snap-punching women in the face at close quarters has it in spades. Combines an…unusual..uniform (corset, toupee and a requirement that you rip your shirt off and shout ‘Khaaaaaaaaannn!!!’ Half way through the bout) with some exotic weaponry (a rock), and gives us yet another excuse to play the clip above. Take her down Tiberius!

Gunkata.

Remember the trailer? Equilibrium looked great didn’t it? All high kicking Matrix-ey moments foreshadowing Bale’s Batman nicely, unfortunately wrapped around a movie where Sean Pertwee is the villain. Admittedly Pertwee does come from a line of skilled martial artists (his dad knew Venusian tai-bo or something similarly crap in Dr.Who anyway) but the dvd had the right idea-it included a skip to fight function so you could avoid all the gobbledegook and get straight to a fighting style built entirely around figuring out the best possible angle to shoot someone in the face from. Fuck yeah!

Baritsu.

Sherlock Holmes’ preferred method of asskickery, recently bought back to our screens by ‘consider yourself our mate’ Ritchie. Although it might just be a mis-spelling of bartitsu. Apparently its a Japanese form of wrestling, which we assume means its great during the week but loses its sense of balance on a friday night. Anyway, it’s good to see a man in a deerstalker taking out twenty hoodies, and hey – it filled up the list didn’t it – don’t judge me you filthy pigs.

Matrixsu.

Ok, so I made the name up, but when it comes to beating people up it doesn’t get much better than a martial art where you can do pretty much anything. Wall between you and your opponent? Punch through it! Opposisition winning? Fly away! Fulfils every adolescent boy’s power fantasies while showcasing a gobsmacking lack of imagination – if Neo can do anything, why not just make Smith’s head explode? The sequels might be shit,but they did add yet more giant robots into the mix -you can’t go wrong!

Roddy Piper super punchout! – They Live.

Its boxing see. But each round takes place in an alleyway. And lasts 25 minutes. And basically boils down to two men punching each other repeatedly in the face, before finally giving up and going down the pub.

Oh-and they kill some aliens on the way.

Can you think of a more manly form of pugilism?

Well, I definitely left out The Force to annoy you-but can you think of any other’s that would beat this lot? We’re throwing down the guantlet -dare you accept our challenge you big wuss?

3D movies are all the rage right now, mainly because they’re a hell of a lot more difficult to pirate than regular ones. Yep, Hollywood’s money men are running scared, convinced that the death of cinema is upon us. It isn’t of course – where else can you get nachos covered in what can only be described as electric cheese, costing £32 and served to you by a fat, spotty urchin with his finger in his ear? Culinary delights aside however, there is something to be said for staying at home – the main one being you don’t have to put up with the following group of bottom feeders. Yep, we hate them too – it’s the top dickheads you meet at the movies!

Giant Man and Medusa.

Clash of the Titans première aside, there is absolutely no need for these f**kers to be in a cinema ever – in fact given their brobdingnagian proportions it’s amazing thy even fit in the building in the first place. Giant man is obnoxiously tall -at least 6′11”. He has a huge wide mouth and a huge wobbly belly. All through the movie he will scarf down popcorn, shooting it out all over the place while timing his massive, continental movements to maximise getting in your way. Accompanying him is his wife, the terrifying Medusa. Only Marge Simpson knows how she gets hair that high – topping out Giant Man even though she’s only 5′3” herself. Her massive, hulking haystack hair resembling a gamma-irradiated Farah Fawcett on a rampage of get-in-the-way-lyness. Stay at home you awkward bitch!

Captain Pisspants and The Urinator.

One hero, one villain – both complete bastards. Sure, we all buy a bucket of sticky orange substance that purports to be a beverage and guzzle it before the main feature even starts – its the law. But most of us don’t see the need to fly around the cinema every five minutes for three hours. The hero tries not to bug you, sliding slowly along the row in front or behind and whispering “’scuse me, thanks..’scuse me…thanks” in an insipid sotto voice that carries the length of the auditorium. The Villain? He decides its his weak-bladdered right to march up and down the aisle every thirty seconds -or if he’s a lady go to the toilet in groups – Captain or Ms.Pisspants can’t sit still for ten minutes, let alone the whole of Return of the King. Cineworld take note: Only compulsive, intrusive bladder-measuring apparatus at the door of every multiplex can stop them and we demand it now!

The Literati.

Why bother watching a film when you can read a nice book instead? Of course, if you really like the book, and it’s a bit shit, then chances are 80 Million other people will read it too -meaning you can all go and see the film adaptation together! And then you can sit all the way through it muttering “he doesn’t look right” or ” they cut out the bit where Snape and Edward turn out to be lovers”. In fact, you can moan that they haven’t crammed every single bit of purple prose from a 3000 page monolith into 3 hours of film. And the end was wrong. And it was too long. It’s like a book discussion group, except you get to discuss the book with people who couldn’t FUCKING CARE LESS THAT YOU’VE READ A CHILDREN’S BOOK.

You don’t have to have an annoyingly loud laugh to be here..but it helps!

Hey-have you never heard a single joke in your life? Why not come and sit next to me during a movie you moron! I bet you’d love anything by the Wayans Brothers, oh, that Rob Schneider, he’s amazing – that’s where you belong. But no, no Adam Sandler for you eh? You’d rather sit next to me and giggle at Dr.Manhatten’s cock wouldn’t you? You tit.

LOUD NOISES!!!

Mmmm, extra-large fizzy drink..sure is good isn’t it? It’s just a shame it’s hard to get the last of it..better use a straw..a straw that makes a FLLLLLRLRRPPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRP noise when ever you plant your blubbery lips around it. Why not set that drink off with some crisps or nachos? Although people were looking at you when you made that slurping noise..best chew them…really….really slowly. The fact that you’re doing it with your mouth wide open won’t matter will it? What’s that? The drink was too cold and now you’ve got a cough/runny nose? No worries, just cough all the way through and blow your nose 56 times. As loudly as possible. And don’t worry about the calories, just jiggle up and down in your seat until you’ve burnt off that energy. You annoying f**ker.

It’s for you-hooooo!

Please turn off your phone during the performance. Hey, it’s only been blared at you from a 40-foot wide device specifically designed to impart information in the most intrusive way possible – no wonder you missed it. And hey-while it’s on, you might as well have a really fucking loud Bollywood remix as a ringtone right? And why not get Steph, Trace, Mandy, Jooles and peaches to give you a buzz so you can say “Yeah yeah I’m in film..I dunno..the images of doctor pomegranite or something..yeah yeah I’m well getting’ the evils now…” Occasionally It’s for you-hoooo will get the message and not answer. Instead she’ll sit next to you making clickyclickyclicky noises because, like Trish jst dmped Baz like wos well out of order innit. Fortunately she can be easily silenced. By chopping off her hands.

The Spod Couple.

Nowt wrong with taking the other half to see a movie -chick flicks are popular, you can hold hands and share popcorn while Matthew McConoughey oozes across the screen and content yourself with the thought that you might get some later on. Or you can be one half of The Couple. These professional asswipes will usually be just behind you. “Hey, I can’t see them – what’s the problem?” I hear you ask. Well, how about the variety of sucking, licking, sighing and slurping noises coming from behind you for two hours while these two rutting simpletons try their level best to congeal into a single amorphous annoyance, doing so loudly enough to drown out Arnie blowing up a fuel depot on screen. Call the manager and have them ejected immediately, lest they mate and menace future generations of cinema goers with their horny, gormless offspring

I’m Sorry, I missed that.

In recent years, cinema sound systems have been proven to produce more decibels than a Saturn V rocket launch. Despite this, it’s still possible to miss the odd line -luckily cinema’s see fit to employ this useful village idiot to sit through an entire movie and repeat every single line a split second after the characters on screen. Not content with mere dialogue, he’ll also slip in scene descriptions, and even helpfully read out subtitles – he’s your very own slightly-out-of-time podcast. How very thoughtful of him. I’m Sorry I missed that is also available at Star Wars screenings in a special ‘psychic’ version -who will speak the lines a split second before they appear on screen, which really helps the dramatic tension. Show him how much you appreciate his efforts -choke him to death with a cheap cinema hotdog.

It’s January, and unless you’re a citizen of Guam, it’s bloody freezing outside. What better time of year to stay in, order a huge pizza and rent a movie?

Despite the demise of Blockbuster, it seems plenty of people are too technologically retarded or just plain honest to steal movies off the internet, with Netflix, Lovefilm and those weird coinstar things you see in the mall all doing great business.

So, Friday night and you’re renting a movie -what’s it gonna be? Maybe a piece of classic Hitchcock suspense? How about some arty Kirosowa? Of course not -you’ll be renting absolute shit -And we have the figures to prove it!

Here, for your edification – god knows you need it based on this list – are the top five rental movies of 2009. You should be ashamed!

5:Knowing

Nick Cage’s shambolic, vaguely religious, vaguely idiotic numbers-based apocothon. Ask your friends -I bet they’ve never seen it either. Only They Have – the bloody liars. Watching a bewigged southerner snuggle up to a Star Wars handmaiden while the Earth gets burnt to a crisp isn’t my idea of a good time, but still appealed heavily to the home movie crowd. The ruddy fools.

4: Gran Torino

Now, this isn’t so bad is it? A little bit of class from the Man With No Name. If Reagan were still in office it would probably have bagged the top spot with it’s tale of TRUE AMERICAN HEROES F**K YEAH!!! becoming quite crotchety because of the goddamn commie gangs ruling the ‘hood..er..or something. Anyway, it’s not bad if you like stereotypes and classic cars – which you obviously do!

3: Taken

Continuing the ‘Shit Star Wars Character’ arc, Liam Neeson manages to find away to look even more ridiculous than he did in Excalibur, with a leather jacket that makes him look more Nick Cotton then Tyler Durden and just enough action movies to…wrongfoot an elderly French Gendarme…Taken sticks plot in the bin and concentrates on showing us slightly too many shots of teenage drug addicts in their underwear – surprisingly, the majority of renters for this were boys in their late teens.

2: The Proposal

Unfortunately not the episode of Animorphs with the same name – although that would have shown more critical nous from the viewer Nope, this is an uninspired Rom Com with Van Wilder being sexually harassed by Sandra Bullock – here playing a bigoted old shrew. Forced marriage and prejudice – sounds like a recipe for success right? Remember when Demolition Man came out and you thought Bullock was sexy? Yes you do.

1: Paul Blart – Mall Cop

Yes really. And don’t pretend you aren’t personally responsible. The King of Queens is possibly the only sitcom ever to plumb depths lower than Everybody Loves F**King Raymond and when the fat arsehole responsible gets his own shit movie you love it. Honestly, a fat man rides around on a Segway and rakes in $219Million, while no-one bothers to go and see Let The Right One In. Proof positive that your average movie fans are stupider than a nest of pigs, and a sure sign of the coming apocalypse. Look on this trailer ye cinema goer, and despair!!

Tattoos! An ancient rite stretching back to the dawn of history, tattoos should represent something unique and personal that deserves permanent recognition.

Or if you’re an idiot…

Yes, there are people out there getting Twilight tattoos. Imagine having a picture of a teenage Taylor Lautner across your butt when your 87 years old. Future generations will mock you to the grave – a grave you won’t be returning from in vampire form…because you are an idiot and no one would want to spend eternity with you.

Anyway, there’s a huge gallery of these inky odes to low IQ’s here – enjoy!

More reasons to get excited – the new theatrical trailer for Kick-Ass! All set to preview at this year’s SXSW, a movie with a nine-year-old assassin and Nic Cage killing people while wearing his wife’s mascara can’t be all bad can it?

Here at STS we spend way too much time reading comic books, so when a creator-owned property like Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World makes it’s way through the Holly-mangler we’re always concerned.

Luckily if this fantastic first look (courtesy of our friends over at the ever-lovin’ UltraCulture) is anything to go by, we needn’t have worried – This looks incredible!

SPVTW _ as it shall henceforth be known – details Michael Cera’s attempts to defeat his true love’s seven evil ex-boyfriends. With a flaming sword naturally.

If this is anything to go by then Edgar Wright is making a great job of some truly bizarre casting as Cera doles out some truly hardcore ass-kickery – expect a release date to be anounced soon.

What better way to avoid the UK Snow than a a trip to the local googleplex you might think. Unfortunately something hits you pretty quickly as you glance through the now playing listings –yep, pretty much every film out this January is designed to send a shiver – either of horror or of boredom – down your spine, and Vampire Actioner Daybreakers is a trite case in point.

Etahn Hawke –who has an academy award nom remember – should really know better once the blue filters come out, but on paper this sounds amazing. Willem DaFoe with a crossbow, Sam Neill as a villainous bloodsucker, and poor, flat-faced Ethan caught in the middle as a human-sympathising vampire in a world ruled by the nosferatu.

Sounds like it’s got it all doesn’t it? Matrix/Blade action and corporate commentary mixed up with 28 Days Later/I Am Legend vampire-virus action. Make no mistake, the movie tries desperately to build a cult following, and if I were a dorky 15 year old I’d be taking style tips all the way through.

Unfortunately I’m not, which means that I spend the whole time rolling my eyes as one blatant plot point after another is sent in by smoke signal, yet still fails to cover the overly CGI-reliant action scenes that we’ve seen a million times before.

Mr.Hawke plays Edward –it is now a contractual obligation that all vampires are called Edward – the son of mad CEO Charles Bromsley ( A wide-eyed Neill, dredging up memories of his superlative nutjobbery from In The Mouth Of Madness) a vamp who’s made his money farming the last few humans for their haemoglobin and flogging it to starving undead outside. Unfortunately it isn’t a permanent solution, and when Hawke’s investigations into synthetic blood yeild a cure for Vampiritis, it’s a perfect excuse for lots of running around, a collection of too-good-for-this actors bellowing sub-Tarantino dialogue in an effort to be cool, in between doing slow motion back flips.

If you can ignore the creaking style, there’s some fun to be had here –the fleeting glances at a population hiding out in light-proofed houses as part of a functioning Vampire society deserves way more time, but the whole thing is so carried away with making loud noises and begging for a series of never-ending, Underworld-esque sequels that it never really gets going, the resolution feeling like an afterthought rather than the promised final battle.

Overall this looks and feels like a TV show, with non regional-specific US accents and Australian cities. It might have a lot of bang, but definitely lacks bite.

In terms of what you’d want to see at your local cinema, most of the movies coming in 2010 rank just below “dropping your Oscar Meyer hot Dog on the floor”.

Well, worry not faithful cineaste, for now we come to some slabs of celluloid you might actually want to see…and discover the law of diminishing returns is still very much in effect.

Wipe the popcorn from your beard and join us then, as we realise we’ve got piss-all to look forward to this summer, in part three of our amazingly awful 2010 movie round-up!!

11: Alice in Wonderland.

Sigh. Go on then. Put on your stripy knee socks, home-dye your hair blue. Have a blast. I once met Helena Bonham-Carter you know, and she looks exactly like this in real life!

Expect Jonny Depp to trade on the fact that he’s finally at that age where men start looking like your slightly creepy maternal aunt -and wonder if he can expect a promising career awaits in the inevitable musical version of ‘Pushing Daisies’ : Altogether now
“ A pie? A pie! A magiiiicalll pie of the undeeeeeaaaadddddd…” Practically writes itself.

Anyhoo, one for your inner goth this one, cover yourself in soot and enjoy.

12: Cop Out

So, it was called ‘A Couple of Dicks’ , but then Hollywood hearthrob and all -round (in every sense of the word) ice cream fan Kevin Smith wussed right out on us and changed it. This from a man who built a career based on dick n’ fart jokes. Backed up by Bruce Willis. Sigh.

Expect Willis to smirk and wisecrack, and make an uncommonly high number of Aquaman references as he and My name is Earl chase down a baseball card or something equally stupid.

13:The Book Of Eli

Oh Denzel. For every Oscar-tempter there’s a load of old quasi-mystical gobledegook isn’t there? We can only assume that the American Gangster star has made some unholy Mephistolean bargain that forces him to pop up in crap like Fallen every other year.

Anyway, this is something to do with a magic book and Gary Oldman. After the Apocalypse. Because that was cool three years ago.

14: Paul

Part the third of Pegg and Frost’s Cornetto trilogy. Plot? Well, obviously jumping over a fence will play a pivotal role, but in an effort to find out more the professional researchers in our office checked out little-known website Wikipedia, which had the following to say:

Two British comic book geeks (Pegg and Frost) go on a road trip through America. On the way, they discover an alien named Paul (voiced by Seth Rogen) at Area 51.

Sounds good doesn’t it? If you’re a complete dick machine. Or worse, read student magazines and laugh at them. Proof positive that pegg should be shot from a photon torpedo tube at the earliest opportunity.

15: Iron Man II

Like the first film but with extra Martinis and Mickey Rourke doing that thing he does instead of acting. I once met Fenriz from legendary black Metal band Darkthrone in a bar, and he told me that Mickey Rourke was cooler than Bruce Willis.

Basically what I’m saying is that if you like Mickey Rourke or think he’s good, then you are gay for Black Metal bands. Anyway, in this he plays a lesbian super criminal (honestly – look, here she is fighting Spider-Man) Whiplash.

It’ll probably be quite good, but not as good as Thor. Possibly.

16:Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Not to be confused with Cameron’s tale of the owl and the 3D alien pussycat from 2009 –although we’re hoping that confusion will guide a few more hapless fools this way – this airbender is the wiggly, wandery based-on-a-weird-Chinese-cartoon story of a small, bald dude and some other kids messing about in a badly thought out mystical world with added M.Night Shitealogue.

Oh-and there’s a huge bison in it too.

Anyway, basically it follows our heroes as they wander hither and thither upon the Earth –which may or may not be our future, hoping some bald midget can be a bigger bender (yes, really) than the current eeeevil overlord.

Almost as bad as The Happening.

17: Season of the Witch

Will it be scary? It’ll certainly be hairy. As Nic Cage continues to display his all-action wig fetish in some cobblers about a night -with a southern accent naturally – transporting an accused witch. A sexy accused witch.

Named after a Donovan song, which leads us to wonder how long before someone films a slasher called Hurdy Gurdy Man.

18:Bitch Slap.

A She-Woman-Girl-Power-vagina-monologue-meets-boob-job-action-comedy pile of shit. Look at those boobies and tell me this really furthers the feminist cause. Anyway, Xena’s in it, so you can admire how big and muscley and just all-round butch she is without having to come all the way out.

Enjoy!

19: Leap Year.

Right, if Amy Adams wanted to marry you, would you refuse?

No, neither would I, but apparently it’s an Irish tradition (it isn’t) that women can propose to dudes on Feb 29th, and if I was an Irish-loving Hollywood Junior exec who was one-thriteenth-Irish-but-not-the-real-kind-the-American-kind, then I’d probably make this movie as well.

Take the ‘My Great-Grand-Uncle once bought a bike from an Irish man which makes me Irish’ idiot in your life and to quote the trailer: “Get ready to lose your mind…”

20: Wolf Man

Vampires? Soooooo last year man. Wolves are ‘Were’ it’s at. Did you see what I did there?!?! I’m wasted on you I really am.

Anyway,Benicio Del Toro somehow manages to be even hairier than he was in The Way of the Gun, while ruthless marketers try to make us forget just how boring the original was.

Well, 2010 looks bloody terrible doesn’t it? Full of crap monsters and awful toupee’s for the most part -to be fair, there are some actually look quite good movies coming up -  the ’suckered you in’ Kick Ass, Hot Tub Time Machine, Youth In Revolt and even ridiculous angel revenge flick Legion has it’s moments – but why should we bring a ray of sunshine into your otherwise miserable lives by mentioning them? We’re not a public service you know. Just be thankful we didn’t mention Wanted 2 (an evil loom, I mean really…) and stay in bed until the Conan reboot arrives.

Happy New year!