BY THE HAMMER OF CROM! THIS IS THE MOST AWESOMELY MACHO TRAILER WE’VE SEEN IN AGES, SO MACHO WE’VE DECIDED TO USE CAPSLOCK, THAT MOST BARBARIAN OF ALL TYPOGRAPHIC TECHNIQUES TO PROMOTE IT.
TO BE HONEST WE REALLY CAN’T TELL IF IT’LL BE CLASSIC OR ‘KULL THE CONQUROR’ FROM THIS, BUT IT’S SO REMARKABLY GRUFF WE HAD TO SHARE.

YOU CAN THANK US IN HELL, OUTLANDER!

Strangely enough, the web has been full of discontent about Andrew Garfield’s distinctly undernorished look as Spidey recently, but judging by this peek at shooting, he (or his stunt double) are certainly going to provide an action packed take on Marvel’s wall-crawling everyman.

Slashing The Seats had it’s editorial trolls whipped long into the night, but even they couldn’t come up with a witty pun based around January Jones’ bosoms and the phrase ‘you can’t make an omelette without breaking some X’. Instead, you’ll just have to settle for this first peek at her in a ridiculously saucy Emma frost outfit, along with the rest of Matthew Vaughn’s super-groovy 1960’s X-Men.

Although Ms.Jones does a fine job on her own, the line up is filled out by Michael Fassbender as ‘no need for Grecian 2000′ Magneto, Rose Byrne as the frankly crap character Moira MacTaggert, Jason Flemyng as Azazel (nope, we don’t know either), Nicholas Hoult as Beast, Lucas Till as Cyclops’ brother Havok, Zoe Kravitz as Angel, Jennifer Lawrence blueing-up as Mystique, and a surprisingly hirsute James McAvoy as Professor X.

Whether or not the slightly off-canon mix of characters will add up to a great movie remains to be seen, but those old-school jumpsuits have got our hopes up for something a little better than The Last Stand.

If you like huge great spoilers, then you are definitely the target audience for this review (not to mention the trailer posted above -do try to resist clicking play). If on the other hand you are one of those oddballs like me who wandered into ‘From Dusk ‘Til Dawn’ on first release and were completely taken by surprise when Salma did the lizard-lady thing, then it’s probably best if you just ignore this and head off to check out Russel Crowe’s latest first hand.

Right, now that the ‘Warning -Spoilerz’ is out of the way, let’s get down to business. STS wandered into a preview screening of The Next Three Days early on a Saturday morning, with a frankly banging hangover. All we really wanted to do was sit in a warm dark room, sip our Omniscience-size pepsi and allow pretty shapes to float around the screen in front of us.

For the first half of the movie, we were well served…

Crowe and Elizabeth Banks make up slightly unconvincing husband and wife team John and Lara Banks, a go-getting suburban couple with a cute as a button kid and high aspirations. Lara’s got a few problems at work sure, and a chip on her shoulder when it comes to her new sister in law (the ‘hey, my eyes are up here!’ Moran Atius -convincingly annoying), but nothing major. They go out, they make love, they’re happy people.

Movies about happy people suck. Sure enough, come the morning a huge team of amped-up SWAT members crash into their perfect home, swinging guns about, kicking things over and eventually…arresting Lara for the recent murder of her boss! DUN DUN DERRRR!!!

There’s blood stains, motive and fingerprints to prove it too, and we’re off on a courtroom/prison/family TV movie of the week. All overbaked emotion and tear-jerking plot points (Son Luke won’t kiss mommy while she’s in prison, dad has a tentative relationship with a fellow single parent). It really wouldn’t look out of place on the Hallmark channel.

So why did we enjoy it so much. Because it’s worth remembering that Haggis may well have managed to cough up Million Dollar Baby and The Last Kiss in the past, but he’s also responsible for the rip-roaring tension and action of Casino Royale, something that stands him in good stead when we reach the midway point. Crowe is determindely rifling through the library legal section, repeated appeals have failed, he’s running out of money, and after a suicide attempt he’s convinced he has to prove his wife’s innocence or lose her forever.

Enter Liam Neeson. here the one-time Jedi is a criminal turned author, who’s book deals with his repeated escape attempts and the mindset needed to survive behind bars. OK, So Russel is looking to help his wife deal with the psychological effects of confinement yes?

Nope. He’s breakin’ her out man!

It’s a totally unexpected twist, the entire movie cranking up several gears as we go instantly from TV weepie to masterclass in slightly-ridiculous tension building. Crowe’s teacher assembling the supplies he’ll need by trial and error, testing out bump-keys (made thanks to outube tutorials) on prison locks, getting brutally mugged while trying to procure fake passports (and yes, the criminals do come to regret it), and slowly flogging his furniture to fund a daring escape plan.

Haggis is clearly enjoying himself here, keeping things real but ladling tense twist upon tense twist into the mix: At one point Crowe runs out of cash. His solution? Trace the aforementioned criminals to their meth lab, burst in and shoot the hell out of them, stealing all the cash and burning the place down in a great set-piece of confined action and brutal solutions. If only he hadn’t damaged his sensible family Prius while escaping.

With the police closing in, but as yet unwilling to believe that a mild-mannered school teacher would carry out sucjh an audacious plan, Crowe is caught between pursuing detectives, concerned parents and a ticking clock. And it’s worth remembering that his wife is still completely ignorant of any of his plans until the final act.

It may be bloody ridiculous, but this is a fun, fast and stupid/inspired take on two tired formulas by Haggis. The action is rooted in the real, the twists are all well within ‘if something can go wrong, it will’ laws, and there’s tremendous fun (and a surprising amount of humour) to be had as Crowe tries desperately to keep his spinning plates from toppling, while the early family drama actually helps you give a shit about the characters, fleshing them out far more than they have any right to be.

Family drama, love, loyalty and speeding car-chases add up to make this a thoroughly enjoyable ride that belies it’s not inconsiderable two hour running time, with Crowe as a likeable hero you can root for, and genuine thrills as the ‘will he/won’t he’ plot twists and turns towards the end.

It’s already been a whhole week since comedy legend (and occasional 50s Hollywood hearthrob) Leslie Nielson sadly passed away. Unfortunately we forgot to mention it at the time because we were too busy hiding whoopee cusions around our bosses office. Don’t think we’re disrespectful however: Once we realised Steve Martin wasn’t funny anymore Leslie became our go-to guy for white haired comedy and occasional glimpses of Pricilla Presley’s arse, which means we’re glad to see the excellent folks at London’s Everyman cinema are putting on a tribute to the great man himself this Friday, 10th December.

If you’re at a loose end in Islington tomorrow night, head on down to the Everyman screen on the green at 11.30pm, and bear witness to the film that changed Nielsons career altogether (All: That changed Nielson’s career).

Let’s be honest, you were planning on watching wrestling girl scouts anyway, so why not have a few laughs at the same time?

Tickets start at £11 and are available now from the box office -give ‘em a buzz on  0871 906 9060 or online at www.everymancinema.com

We first spoke about the notrious BiffCo waaaay back in our evil Mega Corporations list when we were first starting out here at STS. At the time there was little information available on the man, nay, the legend that was alternate evil Biff Tannen, but today we did get a glimpse into what might have been, as this complete footage from the Biff Tannen museum finally popped up on YouTube.

Biff Tannen, we salute you!

We were actually supposed to put up our Harry Potter AND Skyline reviews today. But unfortunately I was too lazy/had real work to do, so you’ll have to wait until tomorrow. Stop whining you feckless dogs, and instead bask in the magnificence of the few morsals we do charitably throw you from our gilded movie castle – here’s the new trailer for awesome explody alien-dfest Battle:LA for starters.

What’s the odds on the Hollywood sign getting blown up at some point then?

Yeah yeah, we know, you’re suffering from Tron:Legacy overload, but the hell with it, here’s the new trailer anyway – only a month to go!Oh, and just for fun, here’s the last banner ad which we forgot about, mainly because I had it on a flash key that I dropped down the side of my wardrobe. Betting Kevin Flynn never has that problem…

Going in to former BBC visual effects guru Gareth Edwards’s first big screen foray, it’s forgivable if audience and reviewer alike are amped up in expectation of this year’s ‘District 9′, so it comes as a shock when we get a rambling, very human drama that meanders along at a pace that matches it’s protagonists long trip across central America towards their comfy suburban homes.

In terms of plot, there’s a fairly straightfoward setup that’s efficiantly dealt with in the opening credits. At some point in the past a space probe is sent to investigate possible alien life, on it’s return, the probe breaks up over Mexico, causing strange new life-forms to arise and spread. In the panic the US and Mexico wall off much of central America and begin a long running (and possibly futile) battle to halt the spread.

Cast into the middle of this we find photographer Andrew (a rangey and able Scoot McNairy), tasked with escorting his boss’ injured daughter Sam (the elfin, and frankly too-sexy-by-half Whitney Able) home from South America. With no ferries or air travel available across the ‘infected zone’, they find themselves forced to cross the heavily guarded no man’s land, first in the company of gun-weilding mercenaries, then finally trekking up to a mile high wall erected as protection by the US.

Of cours, the US has resorted to walls and violence to keep the alien invaders out – anyone miss the metaphor?

And that, in a nutshell, is the biggest problem here. The heavy handed preaching unfortuantely becomes grating and patronises the audience, while the central characters lack empathy – Sam is a spoilt little rich girl, Andrew is..well, a bit of a dick really, meaning scenes which could have been emotionally stirring are rendered isolated and quickly dismissed. The characters (of course) begin to fall for each other, but they never develop in any noticable way despite the horrors they witness on their journey.

Edwards litters the script with wishy-washy liberalisms too. The soldiers in the jungle talk about the wall with Sam who agrees “hey, yeah, it’s like, we’re fencing ourselves in…man…” while on reaching the wall Andrew pipes up with the oh-so-wise 2 it’s so weird, looking into the US from outside, you know? And tomorrow it’ll be so easy to forget all this…”

Wow man…like…mind. BLOWN!

or not. If you’ve a modicum of intelligence you’ll recognise these as first year student ramblings, poorly formed and ill-advised. The underlying message here is that hey, even if things seem different, we’re all the same deep down man,. Can’t we all just get along? A point hammered home as the pair witness a bizarre alien mating ritual once they’re over the border. Hey man, they tried to stem the flood of illegal aliens into the country, but they got in anyway dude, and hey – they’re a lot like us really aren’t they? (apart from being 80-foot tall photonic Octopusephants obviously).

On the plus side Edwards has a superlative eye for cinematography, catching the startling latin scenery in awe inspiring detail. Magnificent ancient ziggaruts contrast starkly with scenes of urban decay and genuinely realistic military destruction, while the waters on an ill-advised river trip are magical, calling to mind Eric Gautier’s wonderful work in The Motorcycle Diaries. The quiet beauty is wonderfully realised.

As a nature documentary, this would be stirring stuff, but as a movie, it’s meandering, overlong and misguided. it’s crass to say so but the film fairly cries out for a few good action sequences. Instead we get a mish-mash of ‘Blue Planet’ with splashes of Jurassic Park and Schindlers List, minus the excitement or emotional heft of either.

Overall, this is a good looking but unrewarding watch.

When we aren’t drinking martini’s and sunning ourselves aboard our private space station, at least two of the STS writers make a living from the social media game, so there’s been a bit of buzz surrounding this in the office – will David Fincher’s unforgiving portrayal of Zuckerberg bring our burgeoning careers crashing to the ground?

Of course not, don’t be stupid.

Remember ‘Quit Facebook Day’? No, neither does anyone else.

Facebook is too ubiquitous, too widespread, and just occasionally to gosh darned useful to be troubled by a mere movie. Even the Zuck has seen it apparently, but he’s too busy compiling lists of every ex-girlfriend you’ve ever stalked to give a crap.

Given this invulnerability, in many ways this becomes a fairly amusing TV-Drama take on the formation of the world’s first billion member website. Some of the dialogue is too pat, and there’s plenty of hand-wringing drama and staring out of rainy windows (also: Asian women giving blow jobs like they’re going out of style), but given Fincher’s consummate medium mastery, there’s also a deep dark point about conformity and rebellion buried under the mountain of ‘Likes’ and ‘Pokes’.

There’s an interesting take on Zuckerberg himself here, and it’s a fantastic performance by Jesse Eisenberg (not a sentence I ever thought I‘d find myself using) as an aloof and icy yet oddly likeable charlatan and opportunist, stealing his friends idea and improving on it as he tries desperately to become popular among Harvard’s cliquey elites.

The exact accuracy of this is open to debate, but it makes for some great courtroom drama as he faces down intellectual-ownership enemies the Winklevoss twins ( both solidly played by Armie Hammer thanks to some double-shot fun), and alienating roommate Eduardo (Facebook’s original financer) as he pursues an ill advised friendship with Justin Timberlake’s strutting Sean Parker (you may remember him –founded a small site called Napster, arch enemy of Metallica).

Fincher isn’t afraid to show off technically here either, splitting the narrative into three different timelines, giving the piece a fragmentary, flashy sheen that perfectly echoes the split focus of the internet social experience.

All the information is available but you’re never quite given time to assimilate things in their entirety, instead getting a confused picture as the college years unfold alongside future recrimination and accusation.

It’s a brave move and pays off handsomely, winding the what would otherwise be kitchen sink stuff up to insane levels of vitriolic hatred, guilt and blame throwing.
On the downside this stylistic trickery means that we never truly get under the skin of the characters – like a friend on Facebook, we know the poses but the reality (whatever that is) is always slightly hidden behind performance and fleeting appearance.

Overall this is a sharp, technically superior and narratively brave movie, Eisenberg managing an oddly magnetic turn that presents Zuckerberg as a sympathetic, identifiable personality weighted down by the consequences of his success, rather than an all-out villain or hero and it’s all the better for it.

It’s a complex story so you’ll need to pay attention to get the most out of this, but ultimately it’s a rewarding and surprisingly involving movie.

Likes all round.

UPDATE: As I’m a high-fallutin social media type, I got to go to the premiere for this, but that means I have a vested interest doesn’t it? As a balance, here’s a special bonus review by the lovely Lauren Mullineaux:

The Social Network

In case you haven’t heard Facebook has a movie. It also has 500 million users as of July. In case you don’t know what Facebook is…oh wait, that person doesn’t exist. Glad we settled that and if you could just get used to the pop-culture references now this whole experience will be much more user friendly.

Apart from David Fincher nobody thought “I know what the world needs, a movie about Facebook.” Now everybody is just bloody glad he had the idea. Even though it wasn’t technically his since it’s based on the book by Ben Mezrich (21), but intellectual property rights aside this is a great movie. It’s not just about Facebook either, it’s about a skinny Jewish kid with lots of social problems who may just be a genius and now happens to be the youngest billionaire in the world. Not a bad premise if you ask me.

From the first scene this is unlike anything David Fincher has previously done, it’s not very dark and it’s not very alternative, but it is a film buffs film. That may seem like a contradiction, but that’s what is so brilliant about The Social Network it perfectly treds the line between mainstream and clever. Aaron Sorkins’ dialogue was word-perfect. Everything that was said had clearly been thought about and was said for a reason. It all seems so easy you will be annoyed you didn’t think of it first. While Fincher may have took a step back to let the film shine Sorkin stamped his name all over it.

As much as the script strives and probably should be the star it isn’t, Jesse Eisenberg is and he has picked his films beautifully. Adventureland, Zombieland, and now The Social Network. Hollywood has a new leading man. Eisenberg has awkward and funny down to a tee yet he’s never really tried real and arrogant. For a possibly biased portrait of a cold person his performance was emotional and almost certainly worthy of an Oscar nomination. Even though the world hasn’t heard much good about Mark Zuckerberg it is hard to hate him and very easy to sympathize with why he acts the way he does. The supporting cast was just as good, with Justin Timberlake as the ‘entrepreneur’ founder of Napster and Andrew Garfield gives a moving performance as co-founder of Facebook Eduardo Saverin which is enough to make you excited for the revamp of Spiderman. Another character in the film was its music. With a soundtrack by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross it’s hard not to mention it. At points you may forget about it, but it’s always there looming in the background and what may at first seem slightly unsettling grows to reflect the tension between the characters.

There really is nothing to not like about this movie it looks beautiful and sounds even better. I guarantee that if you watch this film you will go home, start a blog, and research how to do coding because you just never know when an angry mood will give you that billion dollar idea.

Tentacles, exploding stealth bombers, giant killer robots. Yep, the new trailer for upcoming sci-fi monsterpiece Skyline just hit the web, and while the acting might leave something to be desired, who cares when you’ve got helicopter-chomping gloop beasts and fighter jet vs. UFO action like this?

So, the ‘Night Chronicles’ begin, but are we in for pleasant dreams or a long dark night of the soul? Well, based on this first instalment, a bit of both…

In terms of plot there isn’t much to go on here; five stereotypes with a secret are trapped in a lift together during a storm.

With a dodgy lights and brain-melting muzac for company, we know it’s only going to be a matter of time before they turn on each other. Luckily New York’s finest (and the building security guards) are on the case, and actually behave in a fairly rational way here, talking the passengers down.

So, Maybe they won’t turn on each other after all eh? Apart from one thing –one of them happens to be The Devil.

And you can probably get planning permission for an extension...

It’s actually a fairly odd horror element to stick in here, as this could have worked fairly well as a character based thriller, and the supernatural force’s penchant for trickery (basically offing people in a variety of gruesome ways when the lights go out) actually adds surprisingly little bar accelerating the plot.

Once the first body turns up the passengers all go predictably nutszoid, convinced there’s a killer on the loose – although none of them is quite ready to consider that it may in fact be El Diablo. Instead, that leap of idiocy is left to an overwrought Mexican security guard – those crazy foreign with their superstitions eh?

While Shymalan’s script shows huge helpings of the (devilled) ham he’s become notorious for, with unconvincing characters and daft direlogue stitching together plot-hole coincidences, we happily escape without having  to sit through another ‘Happening’ thanks to some very efficient B-Movie directing courtesy of Quarantine’s John Erick Dowdle, who decides not to focus too heavily on his bosses’ unconvincing spirituality and instead delivers a fast-paced  killer thriller with similar elements to Denzel Washington’s  Beelzebub flick ‘Fallen’ and the occasional gorgeous and genuinely disconcerting stylistic tick.

While there are a few giggles to be had at the expense of the lumpen scripting, overall this is a solid step up (and certainly a massive leap forward from the godawful ‘Last Airbender’) that shows that Shyamalan should possibly stick to low budget character pieces –and invest in a good editor – and successfully ratchets up the tension throughout.

In these cynical times, it’s easy to pour scorn on the vague rumblings emerging from Hollywood’s rumour mill, as well as stars returning decades later to the roles that made them famous. Let’s face it, Indy didn’t exactly light our fires the fourth time around, and who the hell gives a shit about Wall Street II?

No-one, that’s who.

Of course, there is one property that we’ve been longing to see again, we’ve ruminated on it in the past, we’ve covered the rumours more recently, and given the current propensity for huge hair, bleached jeans and ‘Poison’ tour shirts here in London town, we pretty much encounter it on a daily basis on our way to work.

No, not ‘Desperately Seeking Susan’.

That’s right, we’re talking about the long awaited return of Bill S. Preston Esq. And Ted ‘Theodore’ Logan.

If there’s one thing likely to lift that grim sheen of shattered sequel hopes , it’s a final comeback tour from Wyld Stallyns themselves, and now it looks like it may actually happen.

Speaking to MTV, Alex Winter today confirmed that the bodacious duo are working on a way to return to this time period:

“We kicked around the idea over the years and had always thought if we could make something that was as kind of genuine in spirit as the originals and without falling prey to kind of retro cynicism or something that was unnecessary, it would be worth doing. Now the cat’s out of the bag, and the truth is that, yeah, we have finally hit upon an idea that we think is pretty great. We’ve been working on it for the past couple of years, honing that idea and getting it into shape.”

While there’s no set date for a release, this is the most promising franchise news we’ve had in a long time, let’s just hope it isn’t bogus.

It’s darker! it’s probably a bit better! It reminds STS of the time our Uncle Dave dropped his Patronus at a wedding (the police arrived shortly afterwards). It’s Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part one, (hereafter referred to in it’s easy-to-remember acronymic form HPATDHPO) and from the looks of this..well, it’ll be alright, like.

To be honest, Keanu reeves has it pretty tough.

For starters he’s one of the few remaining famous Hawaiians. That may not be how you spell it of course, but that doesn’t matter, what’s important is that he’s a member of a selct group that includes Marie Helvin and..erm..that dude who was in Hawaii 5-0.

Oh, and I think Body by Jake was broadcast from there once too.

Anyhoo, point is, having a major star like Keanu is a big boost for Honolulu’s tourist industry. In fact it’s so big that we at STS feel it would in no way be innacurate or inflammatory to say that without Keanu, millions of islanders would definitely die of starvation.

Unfortunately for those poor, poor island babies however, his film output hasn’t been setting the box offic on fire lately. In fact, his brief appearence as an internnet meme earlier this year is the only thing keeping the islands from sinking, Atlantis-style, beneath the waves forever.

So thanks whatever strange island gods you worship that the man they occasionally call Mr.Anderson has seen sense, and is quite keen on returning to his finest role – Ted ‘Theodore’ Logan.

Speaking to MTV this week Keanu said he was keen to return to the time-spanning Bill and Ted buddy franchise with Alex Winter as Bill S. Prreston Esq.

Let’s just hope they get a move on or Hawaii is history!*

*not all facts in story true or checked in any way, shape or form.

We don’t normaly do straight to DVD fare here at STS (unless it’s a really gnarly gore-fest of course), but until Ryan Reynolds decides to show us his ring there’s a distinct lack of superpowered action on screens at the moment, and DC’s animation department is currently firing them out like a lone baby rocketing away from an exploding planet, so we figured we’d take a look.

And anyway, it’s my blog and I like comic books, so balls to you….

Despite the relatively stellar cast (take a bow geek princess Summer Glau), this latest attempt to capture the exploits of various members of the Justice League is plagued with problems that DC just don’t seem to be able to expel from their animated DVD movies.

The characterisation always seems a little too wooden, the animation stifling. While on TV Batman has been a great success in his various animated outings (Check out the wilfully wacky ‘Brave & The Bold’ if you get a chance), here he comes over as a stilted kiljoy, with his few attempts at levity appearing forced. I know that warming to the character is hardly the point, but here he comes off as an innefective jackass – and don’t even get me started on Superman.

Plot-wise ‘Apocalypse’ sees Supes’ cousin Kara crashing on Earth, unable to control her new powers she causes mayhem on the streets of Gotham city before Kal-El finally shows up to rocket her off to the fortress of solitude. A quick scene-change later and she’s been dumped on Wonder Woman’s amazonian island, learning the ways of the warrior.

All well and good, but the problem is that everyone’s so overly-earnest they become instantly unlikeable. As a child you may have dreamt of one day joining the JLA, but based on this evidence, they’re a bunch of boring sourpusses with little to say. Superman is supposed to embody all that’s finest about the human spirit, but is instead consistantly sanctimonious and..well…rather boring.

Then there’s the villain.

Darkseid (pronounced Darkside. But spelt differently…for..erm…some reason) is a hangover from Jack Kirby’s psychadelic 70’s, a mad god reigning over a prison planet populated by harridens and war-demons.

Basically, he’s a right loony.

Unfortunately Andre Brougher’s vocals just don’t seem up to the task, rendering him unnafecting and unconvincing as a threat.

The plotting and pace are a little muddled and the final battle is just too compact. One of the great things about animation is the ability to do anything, but here the movements are blocky and slow-paced, meaning the fights come over as underwhelming and we’re never quite convinced of the sheer power we’re supposed to be witnessing.

By Saturday morning cartoon show standards this is reasonable enough, but as a premiere offering from DC it falls sadly short.

One for the kids rather than the lifelong fanboy in your life.

It’s Friday, a time when the dark overlord of STS towers traditionally takes time out from beating the staff in order to consort with Japanese call girls and drink whisky. Never ones to miss an opportunity, we snuck into his office and managed to hunt out these excellent new concept images from Atlas Entertainment’s upcoming Voltron movie -check out more images after the jump…

After spending several years lurking in development hell, it seems Atlas have decided to return to the tale of a giagantic bloody robot what turns into lions or something, handing the scripting reigns to Thomas Donnelly and the excellently monikered Joshua Oppenheimer, the duo behind the upcoming Conan reboot and Marvel’s mooted Doctor Strange flick.

Anyway, it’s Friday, there’s beer in the fridge and there’s a ruddy great robot tiger ripping Lady Liberty’s head off – what’s not to love?

Kudos to JoBlo.com for the heads up.

Ah, the old ‘girl’s deformed father’s son with bizarre genetic anomaly did it’ one eh? We’ve herd it a million times before…

Well, ok, no we haven’t, and based on sheer plot weirdyness alone the latest installment in Stig Larssen’s Millenium trilogy to hit British screens scores major points.

There’s all the usual second-guessing and red herrings we’ve come to expect from the author, along with more post-cyberpunk cool from bizarrely hot lead Noomi Rapace (maybe it’s the blonde wig she sports for half the film. That or the rampant lesbian sex on her kitchen floor -the jury’s still out here at STS towers).

Storywise we’re on familiar if unmappable territory, Lisbeth Salander is back in Stockholm after her Carribean sojourn, and Michael Nyqvist’s super-journo Blomqvist hot on her tail, convinced she isn’t responsible for the murder of Millenium magazine’s latest recruit.

Of course she isn’t.

We know it, and so we get to sit back and revel as she stomps around town, beating up massive bikers, hanging sex traffikers and chain smoking her way through a sexy and engaging mystery that nevertheless sticks fairly closely to plausability, to the extent that it’s more fantastical moments are jarringly comical. This should be a complaint, but in fact the moments of levity bring some welcome respite from what otherwise would be an unremittingly bleak viewing experience, it’s frank and unforgiving view of the sex for sale industry remakably blatant to viewers more used to Hollywood’s dancing around the bleaker side of life.

On the downside, there’s the lack of detail that the plot requires in order for all it’s double bluffs to be crammed into two and a half hours.

Readers of Larssen’s books have already been actively complaining that much of the carefully crafted psychological aspects that so characterise the author’s work are absent, reducing the film to an efficient pot-boiler.

While this is true, this is still a diverting adult thriller, although very much made as a ‘middle trilogy’ film, it’s ending slightly unfullfilling after you’ve invested so much time in it.

Some readers may also claim that without reading the book you’ll find the plot hard to follow, but despite a scandinavian setting unfamiliar to most mainstream cinema goers, there’s nothing here that’s unduly confusing or restrictive for the casual viewer.

While it isn’t as satsfying as it’s predessesor, there’s enough intrigue, violent action, retribution (and naked lesbians) here to thoroughly engross for it’s (admittedly slightly over-long) running time, and it leaves you hungry for more in the upcoming -and, if you know where to look, readily downloadable -final chapter, The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest.

Grim but engrossing adult entertainment that’s recommended.

It’s always nice to see a celeb step outside the comfortable confines of Hollywood and dabble their toes in political waters and while he probably won’t be following in the Governator’s tank tracks anytime soon, John Cusack has long been regarded as a sensible, well educated actor who continues to be respected despite being in Hot Tub Time Machine.

Something of a surprise then, as Cusack apparently took to the Twittersphere last night and advocated setting up a ‘Satanic Cult Death Centre’ out side Fox News’ New York headquarters.according to the One Crazy Summer actor:

“I AM FOR A SATANIC DEATH CULT CENTER AT FOX NEWS HQ AND OUTSIDE THE OFFICES ORDICK ARMEYAND NEWT GINGRICH-and all the GOP WELFARE FREAKS,” (Capitalisation by Fox.Who you never hear shouting about anything ever. Because shouting means you’re mad. That’s why they don’t do it. Honest. They don’t…)

Ever the advocates of well balanced political opinion (as evidenced by their standing as ‘America’s most trusted news source’*), Fox was fairly quick to respond, noting that ‘this is the first time he’s stooped to threats‘ after citing his ‘outspoken’ political views.

These actually amount to voting for Obama and once writing a bit for Huffington Post.

Face it, he’s practically Trotski.

Anyway, while Slashing The Seats remains resolutely unpolitical, we’d just like to say “Nice one John.” Infer what you will from that.

Anyway, if you like really, really biased, piss-poor strongly opinionated reportage, then you can view the story in full here, and check out any follow-ups from John himself on Twitter:@johncusack

*Source: fuck knows. some idiot probably.

Since Cloverfield’s weirdy half cave-troll/half-whale brutally dissapointed us back in 2008, there’s been a distinct lack of gigantic tentacle-beast action on our screens, but hopefully things are set to change this year, with a number of deadly space invaders and multi-mandibled beasts set to hit our screens. Leading the charge is Gareth Edward’s latest attempt – Monsters.

Judging by this early look it could well live up to the solid buzz that leaked out of SXSW previews, managing to be both eerie and dramatic, with just enough The Mist-isms thrown in to engage on a personal level. If nothing else, Edwards docu-drama pedigree should offer up some decent creature effects, while the Mexican setting adds distinction – is it too much to ask for a gigantic mutant Chihuahua?

Basically, you already knew that we’d love this didn’t you? For one thing it’s got Statham in it, which means it’s already head and shoulders above 99% of stuff on our Lovefilm list.

Add in Stallone, Willis, and surprisingly intelligent (PHD in Biological Physics apparently…) terrible Punisher Dolph Lundgren, and you can’t really go wrong.

Can you?

As far as the action goes this is top notch, each expendable gets a chance to show their trademark brawling style, so for Statham it’s bone-crunching urban smackdowns, Li shows of his devastating wushu prowess, and big Sly…well, he fires a big gun and goes “waaaaaaarggggghh!!!” in a vaguely unninteligibl maner.
And here’s the problem.

Back in the 80’s (and on into the 90’s) this type of balls-out, blow-shit-up-fuck-asking-questions-later explodathons never promised even a hint of characterisation. You didn’t even really want a plot. You wanted Chuck Norris kicking someone’s windpipe off.

This is basically a complete retread of that formula, and on those dated terms it’s awesomely successful. Watching Statham fire a huge howitzer from the nose of a dive-bombing plane is amazing, the effects are, for the most part, physical, and all the better for it. Shit blows up, people fly through the air, and when we’re finally treated to Arnie, Sly and Willis sharing the screen (and not once talking about hamburgers), there are some genuine fanboy thrills to be had. I mean, they never actually do anything but talk, but hey, it’s cool to see them all up there anyway.

Now who's got the nicest hat?

Willis however, sums up the problem here, making wry comments about the amount of dick-measuring going on in the room, he unfortunately points out something the Expendables does it’s darndest to ignore. Movies have come a long way since the 80’s.

For good or ill, we now expect some semblance of plot glueing things together. If a director ignores this, then we end up with crap like G.I.Joe, an unfortunately there’s often just a touch too much “Who would win in a fight” going on and not quite enough story.

Of course, one of the things that made al those old flicks so cool was their resolute straight-facedocity. Even king of the zingers Arnie would dial it down and impart lines like ‘Stick Around’ with the deadliest of serious expressions, and it was these moments that really made the movie.

Once Die Hard came along…well, all that changed. Suddenly all that stuff became knowing. And it continues here. The trouble is, a lot of the guys on screen aren’t really up to irony. Sure Mickey Rourke takes a poke at acting here, but he’s an awkward fit. In short, there’s a huge pile of charisma up there, but it just can’t do much with the slightly lumpen dialogue, and things get dragged down as a result, the whole thing never quite as gloriously ridiculous as we’d been imagining.

Sly is certainly a competent action director, and here there are some great set pieces, although he really needs to reexamine his choice of cinematographers. The mercenary team may get beaten black and blue throughout, but it would be nice if the same couldn’t be said for the visuals.

Overall this is fast and fun enough to get away with most of it’s foibles, but in assembling such an awe-inspiring action cast, Stallone seems to have taken short cuts on dialogue and exposition that the modern filmgoer may not be ready to put up with.

But what the hell, don’t go in expecting hamlet, go in expecting Dolph Lundgren sticking someone on a spike and its all good.

Mops. How they’ve vexed me.

I had one when I moved into my new flat, but the other half decided to get rid of it.

“You don’t need it. ” she opined knowingly. “The kitchen is barely five feet square, it’ll just get in the way. ”

I’ve often ruminated on this womanly wisdom and the unfortunate events it led to when, after getting down on my knees for an hour and a half to painstakingly clean that self same kitchen floor with a hand sponge, the lady in question dropped a large blob of peanut butter smack bang in the middle.

Had there been a real mop to hand, I can’t help but think that I wouldn’t have had to bash her brains out with a frying pan and use her hair as a substitute.

Fortunately I was able to dispose of the body in the Thames and escaped without consequence. Much as Jerry Bruckheimer manages to do with his latest foray into action/adventure nonsense.

Do you see what I did there? I love a good seague me.

Anyway, having watched the Bruck’s latest masterpiece, I can honestly say that  was wrong about the mop.

Based on it’s name’s heritage, Disney has seen fit to wedge at least one gigantic dancing mop interlude into the middle of this, a generally enoyable piece of mixed demographic fluff.

It serves no purpose to watch a dancing broomstick anally intrude on a gurning Jay Baruchel, but then, neither does much else here. Bruckheimer is above all the master of the empty headed thrill ride, and he proves a deft hand at weaving giant metallic eagles, surprisingly scary and slightly gross dragons and some seriously bone crunching fight sequences into what is at heart a fun filled fantasy for tiny tots.

Sticking with the mop theme, let’s turn our attention to the ever overly-hirsute Nic Cage, who, along with Alfred Molina as villainous sorcerer Horvah, actually convinces you once or twice that a disciple of Merlin himself could have that accent.

One of the odd things going on here – anal intrusion aside – is that The Sorceror’s Apprentice seems to be made up of two distinct films. On the one hand, the older cast members are caught up in a stagey romantic tragedy, two rival magicians fighting for the love of a third (Monica Belluci – bloody gorgeous as usual), while caught up on different sides of an eon’s old magical war.

Hadouken!

Baruchal and love interest Teresa Palmer meanwhile are caught up in an only vaguely related New York love story. Hanging out, listening to music, building experimental coil energy systems.

Oh, yeah, there’s quite a bit about the relationship between science and magic here as well, which hasn’t quite been thought through but is a neat touch.

And that’s about it plot wise really. Cue Jerry.

What Bruckheimer excels at here is managing to paper over the gaping holes in the writing with some explosive action sequences. Sports cars that battle in mirror universes, buildings that burst into life, eveil sorcerer’s from beyond time blowing up half of China town. It’s all here, and it’s never less than spectacular. The effects are well handled and, surprisingly given the amount of CGI present, don’t detract from the gun barrel chase driving the whole thing along.

While it’s obviosuly skewed at the 7-12 market, there are some sequences that might be a little too much for younger children, but amazingly this is a fun filled ride with ever-so-slightly more depth than you’d expect, some fun battles, cool explosions and decent, if diametrically opposed acting styles on display. There’s a rich seam of physical comedy (Particularly well covered by Horvah’s own apprentice, a preening, empty-headed cockney magician who’s made his name in Vegas and gets away with lines like ‘yeah, I like me nails just the right side of sinister’) that works well although again, the jokes are pitched fairly young.

Overall this is actually more fun than it has any right to be. If you have kids and need an alternative to Inception come family movie night, you could do a lot worse.

wow.

There’s still a few months to go before Disney’s Tron:Legacy takes us on another trip into the heart of the murderous MCP, but based on these latest one-sheets the CGI is going to be incredible. Check out those costumes – certainly a step up from the Green Lantern pics released so far. Expect a dark (for Disney) movie full of murderous, fetishistic frisbee…

While we still aren’t quite convinced that Michael Cera and his fishbowl bouffant are fully dickish enough to play young Scott in Edgar’s upcoming super geekout, we’re still kinda excited about what exactly it will look like, and judging from this new UK one-sheet, it should at least have some amazing haircuts – and hey, that’s all we go to the movies for anyway isn’t it?

Fuck Yeah!!

That’s really all you need to know, but feel free to hit the jump if you want an explanation…

Yo motherfuckas, I’m Adrian ‘Death Machine’ Goddamn Brody, and I sure as hell lured you into a false sense of muttafrikkin’ securitah didn’t I?
You all was thinking that I was some kinda goddamn commie piano playin’ scaredy cat pussy. Yeah? Well fuck you, I’m a goddamn hero baby, and I can prove it!

See, I’m only starrin in the greatest goddamn war movie this side a’ the battle of Kuursk, except I don’t take no 80% losses. No siree, what I do is serve up a big nosed, full force action movie thats straight outta 1986 and don’t give two shits about it.

Fuck yeah!!

Remember old school? I mean, do you really remember it? When Hollywood made movies for adults that were rated 18 and didn’t come with a spin off action figure? Well thank god those times are back.

Lets deal with the plot quickly. After all, this is a proper movie, made by men, for men.
Point one: The Pianist wakes up in freefall, strapped to a parachute, having gained about 200 pounds of solid muscle and some guns. Lots of guns.

you bloody kids!get off my lawn!

So, being hard as motherfuckin nails baby, he survives his three mile freefall, and hooks up with some other double hard bastards including Machete and ..erm..that dude who was Venom down below
.
They’re in the jungle baby, and they gonna die!

At least they think they’re in the jungle, and they are -except this isn’t any kid of piss-weak normal jungle bitch! Nope, this is one of those crazy alien jungles. “Oooh -the kind with magic glowing butterflies?” Nope. The kind with multi-mandibled killer giant cougars!

After some staggering about they get shot at a bit, then do some shooting back, then realise it’s Laurence Fishburne they’re fighting -time for a team up.

You see, as is the way, Brody and the other elite mercenaries seem to have been transported to a hostile alien game reserve -hey, it happened to me twice last month – and seeing as this is a Predator movie, they’re being hunted down by the eponymous beasties. Fortunately they’re rock see? And they’ve got Morpheus backing them up.

You can guess the rest.

Thanks to Rodriguez, this is a glorious, gorey, ridiculous return to the best excesses of 80s action flicks. There’s screaming, there’s handheld chain guns, hell, there’s even a few shot-for-shot retakes on the Arnie original.

Spines get ripped out, people get exploded. And in the best tradition, there’s even time to give everyone a distinct, individual character. Yep, even though these are cannon fodder characters, they all have different things to say and different mindsets. Remember big ol’ native american Billy in the original? ‘Course you do, because he was a well drawn character with hints of an interesting past and enough ticks to seperate him from the pack, and so is everyone here.

Even the Predators.

Unlike the increasingly juvenile Aliens Vs Predators sub-franchise, Rodriguez isn’t afraid to hold off on showing the monster(s). Sure we know what they look like, but one of the real aces here is the return of a sense of mystery. We see heat vision, we see distortions in the trees, but we don’t see any Predators until well into the second act -and when we do it’s well worth the wait.

Clearly, the creature effects department have been given full reign here, and we get a variety of very cool, and more importantly very individual Predators. There’s an elder Predator, there’s a young, impulsive Predator. There’s even a Predator who might just be the original one – we don’t know exactly when this is set after all – and then there’s Mr.Black

He’s the bad guy. The Biff Tannen of Predators, a great, hulking, violent bastard of an alien who doesn’t just treat this as sport – you can tell he really, really hates humans.

Throughout, the effects are largely physical, and it adds a curiously old-school feel to proceedings that’s entirely appropriate. If something explodes here, it really explodes, and it isn’t likely to be a 14 storey Antartic pyramid – it’s usually somebody’s head.

The story itself -hunted become hunters – is thin, the acting ever-so-slightly overblown, but it fits perfectly.

I could spoil it all and go into intricate detail but Instead I’m going to remember my childhood, when an eight year old version of me first heard about this movie from a friend at school – man, it’s awesome!.

Welcome back, you ugly motherfucker.

Unlike most fanboys, I wasn’t salivating at the thought of a live action take on The Last Airbender. Not because I’m not into cartoons and crap obviously, but because I once worked for Virgin TV, where I was forced to quality check the entire thing at triple speed in one sitting, so heading back into an – by all reports – vastly inferior version of the weird flying bison world wasn’t really firing me up to start with.

That said, I did develop a weird affinity for the whole thing as it burned itself into my retinas so I was willing to give it a decent chance, but given that Roger Ebert of all people took time out from spouting overlong, boring quotations on twitter just to call M.Night Shyamalan an idiot over this, the signs didn’t look great.

Personal reservations aside, everything sounded like it was in place for M.Night to put out a complex, fun and fulfilling fantasy that would slot in nicely alongside Harry Potter as ideal family fodder. The original cartoon is overlong, but still rammed to the gills with plot and sub plot, environmental and ‘hey -be excellent to each other’ messages and came with some neat visual gimmicks that should have looked ultra-awesome on film.

And they kinda do. So what’s missing?

Well, plot for starters.

The filmmakers could be forgiven for things getting a bit woolly as they try to jam weeks of complex storylines into a sub-three hour movie, but it seems like they just jettisoned most of the story points entirely and glued together some random action sequences with some shoddy CGI glue.

Just to get you up to speed incidentally, Airbender takes place in a super spiritual world (as in Buddhists n’ stuff, not Ghostbusters) where each of four cultures have a few element-wielding champions, hurling air/water/fire/earth at each other. The Avatar of the title is the one guy who can use all four to reunite the world and bring balance.

So, Star Wars basically.

It’s not as though the film is unfaithful to its source either, there are lots of neat nods to fans of the cartoon, with several exacting makeovers of key scenes, all the characters are present and correct (some noteworthy racial modification aside) and even giant, six-legged buffalo Appa gets in on the act. The big problem here is that Shyamalan has somehow managed to take two-dimensional characters and settings and make them less fully formed.

Everyone here is the same shouting, clowning, slightly offensive/annoying cutout. Plonked from one scene to the next without any definable sense of journey – the entire point of the original series. There’s also plenty of terrible dialogue and some frankly piss-poor cinematography, making this a lumpen confusing mess most of the time.

Of course, that wouldn’t matter if you actually gave a rat’s ass for any of the people on screen, but they’re just completely bland to the point that it’s impossible to care.

There’s also a cardinal sin that occurs many times during the proceedings.

Remember that Ralph Bakshi cartoon version of LOTR? Where they ran out of money half way through and reduced the entirety of ‘Return of the King’ to a 30 second voiceover(I hope for your sake you don’t)?

The same thing occurs again and again here. The entire premise of Avatar was the character building, the emotional and physical travels the characters made, something which gave the series a sense of granduer, something which added awe whenever they entered a new city or met new people. Here we’re palmed off with captions saying ”three months later, and the gang have crossed the giant mountain of peril…” and thrown into another badly choreographed fight scene ( another huge let-down, given the exciting and original action that also characterised the source).

We don’t know how they got there, who they’re facing, or why they’re fighting them. So we don’t care.

This isn’t some Transformers-style reimagining. This is a direct-from-source remake. Why, if you had an excellent, well-rounded, interesting, fun, action packed, exciting moving story board to copy from, would you take the time to remove every last thing that made it fun in the first place?

A real waste that shouldn’t stop you from buying your kids the box set of the original.

Woody Allen’s latest has been out for a while in foreign parts, finally geeting a release here in blighty, but don’t panic -you haven’t been missing much.

So, Woody Allen. Let’s make this clear right now. He’s shit. There, it’s down on cyber-paper. I said it. feel free to add comments calling me an unintellectual pig who knows dick-all about filmmaking. I couldn’t give a crap, because you’re wrong and I’m right. Allen is a man who’d made a career out of one vaguely smirk-inducing moment in Sleeper. And that’s it.

Let’s make a Woody Allen movie together and see how Whatever Works stacks up shall we?

Step 1: Set it in New York.

Check. But not real, actual New York. Oh no. This is that familiar Allen parrallel universe where you can sit in Central Park at dusk and not get mugged, and buy a hotdog in the street and not die. An effect cleverly acheived by roping off miles of the city and not letting an actual New Yorker anywhere near the set. Woody’s NY is about as realistic as Mary Poppin’s London.

Step 2: Insert plot about Woody Allen using his oh-so-massive wit and intellect to ensnare a squaking younger girl -hey, she’s annoying but she’s got great tits! (unless she’s Diane Keaton obviously).

Whatever Works only scores a half point here because Wood’s just too damn decrepit these days. Instead we get Larry David, himself a man who’s in serious danger of outstaying his welcome. Sienfeld was often very funny, and Curb Your Enthusiasm is at least very clever, if not comedically appealing to all tastes, but the simple fact is that David has one default setting on-screen, and here he sticks to it like Lox on a bagel.

Depressed Physicist Boris Yelnikoff is solid Wood, panic attacks, nausea, nuerosis and failed suicide attempts -it’s all here. Actually, given the number of incompetant suiciders in Allen’s films, it’s a wonder the old git’s made it to old age, but unfortunately for us he has. If only something could cheer him up…what would do it….

Step 3: Insert slightly dim, bouncy girl some 30 years junior to our hero.

Yay! Evan Rachael Wood turns up and hey presto -Boris are happy. Instead of wandering moodily around a picaresque NY considering his place in a non-theistic universe, he wanders moodily around making occasional glib, self-deprecating remarks. The ganag’s all here. Aren’t they? wait…there need to be a few more issues…if only there was some way that the girl could bring…

Step 4:An annoying, issue-ridden family!

We got there in the end.

Yep, all we needed was to add in bubbly and slightly annoying Patricia Clarkson and worrisome and slightly annoying Ed Begley Jr, and we’re all set to watch them somehow make new lives and friends in NY’s mystical concrete canyons, finding the kind of connections that elude Boris for all his wit and angsty try-hard attitude.

What a crock of crap. Allen takes the same script he’s been unenthusiastically vomiting at us for the past 40 years, inserts David’s vaguely credible face in the hope of being somehow relevant and produces…exactly the same boring, unfunny, turgid mess of a film he’s always made.

Critics have lined up to suggest that Allen’s fire has gone out in the past few years, but frankly, I’m of the school that thinks he never had a spark to begin with – his original stand-up notwithstanding, the ability to pen funny lines for Bob Hope does not automatically confer genius status and the right to repeat yourself adnauseum for the better part of half a century.

A drippy, dippy, ill-planned mess, Whatever Works wastes some potentially stellar talent on a bad script that fails to amuse or educate and stock characters who fail to connect.

So, even though your a grown man (I mean, not grown in all the ways a man should be, but you certainly have a hairy back right?), you still like to spend your spare cash on toys (I’m sorry, ‘articulated maquettes’). That’s because you’re a big fat sorry loser who’ll never know a womans touch.

Of course, who needs a girl nagging after you to go for that managerial position at Burger King when you’ve got toys as cool as these guys! Yep, Tron revolutionised film effects when it cam out, so it seems only fitting that the clunky spin-off merchandising should do the same. Alongside such dorkish items as Tron:Legacy snowboards and boots (because, hey, this is the 90s man -snowboards are bodaciously cool!), you can also pick up a lickle toy Lightcyle and Lightcar.

Yeah i hear you: “Well so what man, I gots me an original boxed scorponok”. Well does Skorponok DRIVE UP WALLS?

No he doesn’t, and for that reason alone you are by law commanded to own every last bit of this worthless plastic crap fantastic film merchandise, lest you be forever ridiculed by that chick with blue hair at mega city comic books.

Get buying you loser!