From Nightmare on Elm Street to Heartless (an…uhhh…probably some others I expect…) our screens are currently boiling with the stench of sulpher and brimstone as faustian pacts are forged, ethereal barriers are broken down and nasty do-badders escape from the bounds of hell itself to inflict second-tier horror schlockers on our unwitting eyeballs -the Satanic rat bastards. Yep, Mephisto is definitely a guy who’s around for the long haul cinematically speaking, and while Heartless has Joseph Maul as a weird, voodoo-doing East End Devil, we’re sure there must be better ways to portray the one who walks backwards on screen. Oh, wait! There are! Yep, time to bathe in holy water, get Jim Caveizal round and hope it’s the power of Christ compelling us to sit through a bunch of shitty horror flicks, as we check out six of the best: Movie Satans!
1: Tim Curry: The Darkness (Legend)
Ok, so he goes by the name of The Darkness, but his clever disguise isn’t fooling us! One look at those three-foot long horns, fangs and bright red skin and we know exactly who we’re dealing with. Unfortunately for the erstwhile Frankenfurter, Curry’s decided to pick on the only being in existance more evil than he is – That’ll be Tom Cruise then. Still, scores extra devil points for his fantastically spooky arrival on screen; stepping out of a mirror. Well, a taxi doesn’t really scream ‘Prince of Darkeness’ does it? Easily the most evil appearence in Curry’s considerable repertoire (apart from the hotel manager in Home Alone 3 obviously).
Whuh? Why the hell’s a movie site talkin’ about them thar readin’ books? Next they’ll be askin’ us to be a-learnin’ on our own time, an that thars aginst God’s own will boy.
Generally speaking, we’d much rather watch the movie than read it’s literary counterpart, I mean, since when did books have flashing colours, Robocop and the possibility of a Jenny Agutter shower scene? And let’s not forget, movies are done in 2 hours straight, while a book can take aaaaages to plough through, particularly if it’s the latest chapter in the Twilight series and you keep hurling it out of the window halfway through.
While all the above reasons are 100% true by us, there are a few paperbacks out there that haven’t yet received the Peter Jackson overhaul (not a euphamism), so the staff at STS decided to head to the local library and steal a few weighty tomes. Here’s what we came back with – it’s our: Top 5 Books That Should Be Movies!
If the worm is to believed, the Britain is ready for change. Even if it’s the sort of mind-numbingly boring change that involves paying an extra penny for fags in exchange for slightly more CCTV cameras being put up, but hey- at least Brown, Cameron and Clegg stayed on message, although personality-wise they could probably take a few pointers from these guys!Yep, we may have conviniently ignored both Big Ronnie Reagan and The Governator himself, but hey; these are still our top: Movie Politicians!
With Iron Man 2’s hype machine currently going into Scarlet Johannsen booby-shaped overdrive, it’s easy to think that inventors are a bunch of hyper-intelligent, supercool playboys cobbling together amazing doohickeys for the protection and betterment of mankind.
The movies have a long history of science-types saving the planet and coming up with amazing inventions to win the hearts and minds of us, the lowly viewer. Unfortunately, for every Tony Stark there’s a wet fart, with dozens of films full of half-assed ideas hewn from cardboard and clingfilm. Some are rubbish, some are stupid and others are downright dangerous!
Put on your safety goggles and stand behind the lead sheilding then, while we check out the top ten: Crap Movie Inventions!
After sweeping the boards at this years Oscars, Katheryn Bigelow could be forgiven for sitting back to enjoy her ex-husband baiting success and asking “Who do you have to blow up to get a Martini round here?”. Instead, word is that the former Keanu-wrangler is already on the lookout for new projects.
Being the helpful souls we are, Slashing the Seats thought we’d pitch a few suitable follow-up’s to help the Point Break helmer re-create this year’s success -and fulfill our obligatory Oscars coverage in the process!
Of course, we’ve only worked our way through half the alphabet while conjouring up this list of steaming awards-magnets. Have you got a better idea?
Can you think of any more vaguely rhyming knock-off versions of this years best picture (that in no way means I can palm this assignment off on you and still collect the royalty cheque)?
What do you want to see the first female best director do next? Let us know!
