These days Pixar movies often sum up everything that’s missing from Disney’s mainstream releases – plot, characters you can root for, a distinct lack of songs about dreaming/the pain of being Miley Cyrus.

If only the two studios had linked up earlier…

It’s Christmas! And, try as we might, we couldn’t quite shoehorn in an article about Cliff Richard movies, so instead, here’s a classic Yuletide tale narrated by one of STS’s very favourite people – the always dour, but never non-festive Werner Herzog.

Sure to keep you awake on Christmas Eve….

With the night’s already drawing in, it’s time to turn our eyes forward to the winter holidays, and around here that means one thing: Hallowe’en.
Generally speaking we’re a bunch of pantywaists down at STS towers, but if there’s one thing guaranteed to stop us hiding behind the sofa and get us out and about on the spoooookiest night of the year, it’s the promise of some classic head-off-shoulders-catches-fire-turns-dogs-inside-out John Capenter action, so we were especially pleased when the marvelous chaps at top discount website vouchercodes.co.uk and Most Wanted got in touch to tell us about their new all hallows eve promo.
For one night only, it seems they’ll be taking over a fancy-schmancy central London location, laying on booze and popcorn and showing at least one of the above classic horror flicks – but which one?

Well, that’s up to us see – It’s one a’dem crazy ‘bloggers choice’ award things! Huzzah -finally someone respects our opinion! This despite the fact that I nominated ‘The sasquatch Gang’ for Oscar glory last year.

While freddy, Leatherface and even dear old Satan himself all have there attractive points, we have to say that nothing scares like the thought that your friend, your lover, or heck -even you, could at any point turn into a hideous multi-mandibled star-beast hell bent on wiping out mankind!!

Of course, we’ve been wrong before. What do you think? Is The Shining scarier? Does ‘Dawn Of The Dead’ put the willies up you in a way that ‘The Thing’ never will?
We’re going solidly with the alien menace on this one – but if you think we’re wrong -then hell kids – let us know!

Going solely on the trailers, the latest effort from Will Ferrell looks like a return to form, a crazed mish-mash of Lethal Weapon action and Anchorman stupidity. And it is. But for some reason, it just doesn’t gel.

Things get off to a promising start, with New York super cops Danson & Highsmith (Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson) blasting their way through criminals, driving a 1960’s muscle car through the side of a bus, blowing up buildings and firing off enough hot lead to drown a Terminator, and despite the reckless endangerment and massive property damage, they’re beloved by the population of New York and the worldwide media.

Of course, it isn’t all guns and glamour in the NYPD, which is where Ferrel, a safe, quiet and relentlessly stable Police accountant comes in. Teamed up with a bizzarrely hirsute Marky Mark when Danson & Highsmith jump to their death in a ridiculous display of bravado, it’s up to the worst cops in the precinct to take down Steve Coogan’s Bernard Madoff-like businessman and save the police pension fund.

All pretty formulaic no?

And that’s half the problem (we’ll get to the other half in a bit).

The Other Guys follows a very basic plotline that works out ok, and has some very funny lines. Ferrell’s background as a naive pimp named Gator is hilarious, and Wahlberg shows some likeable comic timing, coming off as likeable and genuine while directing traffic, lusting after Ferrell’s ‘plain wife’ (actually a smoking hot Eva Mendes). The whole thing is crammed to bursting with ridiculous one liners, idiotic situations (dirty Mike’s homeless orgies are a particular standout), and a relentless driving pace.

So what went wrong?

Ass is the norm for Ferrell’s movies, things don’t quite fit together properly. You get the feeling that someone had four or five unused scripts lying around and rammed them uncomfortably together. Of course, in a bit of nonsence like this, that’s not really a major problem. Instead, The Other Guy’s problems sit squarely in the lap of director Adam McKay.

The whole thing is poorly paced and badly shot, to the extent that any life and vibrancy is sucked right out of the thing, and it’s not just a question of scale. If this had been shot in an intimate TV show style it would be balls-out hilarious. Likewise, if they’d stuck McG at the helm and soaked it in slick then we’d be on to a winner (and I promise never to associate the name McG with the concept of win again). Instead, the movie hovers in a washed out, curiously 80’s middle ground, with action not as exciting as it should be, gjokes not as funny, and the whole thing…well, just underwhelming.

This has some of the best comedy lines and concepts of the year, but much like Ferrell’s wooden gun (a long story involving Michael Keaton and a poorly executed ‘desk-pop’…), it fails to leave a lasting impression.

Definitely worth waiting for the DVD, as a small screen would be infinitely more suitable.

…we watched it again, yes. But only because it’s so bloody ridiculously good.  And they gave us free beer.

But this time we saw it in the Apollo cinema in London on a Sony 4K 3D Screen.

What does this mean? You ask. These numbers, letters and brand names are all a bit Electric Spectre for Slashing The Seats, a blog more at home with yelling at crappy directors and praising lord god Robocop.

Well, let me tell you.  Sony 4K projects are a new thing that makes watching 3D movies actually pretty cool. The technology behind 3D is a bit of a dick really. It’s like listening to an amazing story delivered by someone with a mildly annoying voice. You see, 3D is delivered by showing one frame designed for your left eye, and then one  for your right eye. At 24 frames per second. For hours. This messes with your brain a touch and is why it gives people headaches. Your brain and eyes are designed for the real world, not trickery.

What Sony 4K does is have two projectors, one for an eye each. Meaning your brain doesn’t get confused, overheat and cause you to drool into your popcorn. And it makes the screen brighter, crisper, less flickery and generally, nice.

It’s 3D without being a dick about it.

It also has a ridiculously huge pixel count. So it makes my newly bought 1080p 42 inch TV look like a turd. Bastards.

We were given a nice talk from a man from Sony, clearly excited by his own product, explaining all of this and a dude from Apollo cinemas telling us they’ll start rolling these projectors out across their chain.

So, if you like proper 3D delivered..err.. properly, head on down to one of their cinemas…

And yes Toy Story 3 is bloody amazing. But you’ve already read the proper review, haven’t you!?

The Green Hornet already has a pretty jumpy production history, with rumours of the suits being none too pleased by the direction the Seth Rogen actioner was taking. Well, the first trailer just arrived on Apple, so now we can judge for ourselves. It’s certainly a mixed bag, the tone seems to suggest an odd mix of Rogen’s usual comedy butting heads with a much more serious Batman-esque actioner, although Gondry’s visuals and some of the effects are certainly striking.

What do you think? We’re reserving judgement for now, but could this be an all-out actioner with gags in the style of Die Hard, or is it too knowing and silly for it’s own good?

Jonah Hex

Oh dear oh dear. Remember Ghost Rider? Rubbish wasn’t it? A badly CGI’d Nic Cage rolling about and taking down crappy MTV villains while comedy Hammer Horror mist floated about and Sam Neill did lots of expositional mumbling. Bloody awful. In it’s favour though, it was undeniably fun. Cage and the crew obviously realising the sheer stupidity of the material and the script and just rolling with it, adding a charm that made it far more enjoyable than it had any right to be. Suffice to say, Jonah Hex leaves its sense of humour at the door….

Fig 1: YES!

Now, Jonah Hex has a particularly weird history, even taking into consideration the fact that he inhabits a universe who’s biggest export is a grown man in a giant blue baby grow. Hex started life as a run-of-the-mill cowboy, then turned up in a godawful tech-noir postapocalyptic setting, then went all black magicky and weird, and now comes full circle. Now, before we get on to the film proper, lemme axe yous a question: If you had an ultraviolent western on the drawing board, who would you turn to? Maybe Scorcese could do something with it? How about Clint? No..no..wait..it’s coming to me..YES! It has to be Jimmy Hayward. Whaddaya mean who? He directed ‘Horton Hears A Who!’ stoopid! He’s be perfect!

God alone knows what goes on in Hollywood boardrooms, but whatever it is, it hasn’t got much to do with making quality movies. So, Our Jonah is a badass scarfaced bugger with the power of life and death over evil-doers, a Megan Fox shaped love interest and a presidential price on his head. Now I’m no expert, but seriously, you’d have to work pretty damn hard to make those ingredients taste bad wouldn’t you? But try as he might, Hayward and associates have somehow produced a cake made out of shit, that no amount of American Gothic icing is going to save.

To be fair, things do start fairly promisingly, we get short busrts of a super-mean Josh Brolin facing off against a Civil War terrorist (naturally, it has to be a terrorist…)in what looks like it might be a really good supernatural western. It isn’t. Instead an admmitedly game Brolin spits out ridiculous dialogue as he grieves for his wife and child, and there’s actually a pretty interesting back story there -Jonah kills big bad Confederate General’s son, big bad Confederate general kills Jonah’s family and tries to offf Hex too, only to have him come back with spooky supernatural powers and become ever-more consumed with revenge, espousing all human contact. Except Megan Fox in her sweaty underwear obviously. Well – you would, wouldn’t you?

Fig 2: NO!

Anyway, for some sort of reason, president Ulysses S Grant has decided that Hex and his sweaty other half are the best people to take down the aforementioned terrorist, Hex hoping to redeem his sense of honour through revenge in the process. Unfortunately the film seems to forget about most of this about 30 minutes in, instead concentrating on rolling from one overloaded action sequence to the next. All this would probably still be forgiveable if we got an interesting leading man or some semblance of commitment.

Instead Hex is wiped of his comic-book anti-hero roots and becomes another faceless mouthpiece for a bunch of badly thought out one-liners. It’s Judge Dredd all over again. The producers are also obviously hell-bent on preserving their all-important PG-13 rating as well, cutting away from on screen killing, meaning the action sequences amount to a lot of barrels exploding and men leaping through the air. Seriously, The A-Team was more violent (and I don’t mean the recent remake). If there’s one thing that could have saved Hex, it would have been willingness on Hayward’s part to just really go for it. I don’t know about you, but if I’m offered a supernatural western with a demented, scarred and cursed hero, I want to really see that blood. I want arms being blown off, severed heads, horses being chopped in half. What I get is some sub-Wild Wild West theatrics and a meandering storyline with plot holes you could stampede a herd of broncos through. Even John Malkovitch -normally eminently reliable in the cackling villain stakes, seems bored and confused.

Jonah Hex is a short film that feels over-long, with some terrible performances that can’t be saved by Brolin’s well-meant attempts. The editing and photography is overly slick, the violence watered down and pointless. In all, it’s a massively wasted opportunity and another example of cut n’ pate filmmaking that needs to be outlawed.

From Nightmare on Elm Street to Heartless (an…uhhh…probably some others I expect…) our screens are currently boiling with the stench of sulpher and brimstone as faustian pacts are forged, ethereal barriers are broken down and nasty do-badders escape from the bounds of hell itself to inflict second-tier horror schlockers on our unwitting eyeballs -the Satanic rat bastards. Yep, Mephisto is definitely a guy who’s around for the long haul cinematically speaking, and while Heartless has Joseph Maul as a weird, voodoo-doing East End Devil, we’re sure there must be better ways to portray the one who walks backwards on screen. Oh, wait! There are! Yep, time to bathe in holy water, get Jim Caveizal round and hope it’s the power of Christ compelling us to sit through a bunch of shitty horror flicks, as we check out six of the best: Movie Satans!

1: Tim Curry: The Darkness (Legend)

Ok, so he goes by the name of The Darkness, but his clever disguise isn’t fooling us! One look at those three-foot long horns, fangs and bright red skin and we know exactly who we’re dealing with. Unfortunately for the erstwhile Frankenfurter, Curry’s decided to pick on the only being in existance more evil than he is – That’ll be Tom Cruise then. Still, scores extra devil points for his fantastically spooky arrival on screen; stepping out of a mirror. Well, a taxi doesn’t really scream ‘Prince of Darkeness’ does it? Easily the most evil appearence in Curry’s considerable repertoire (apart from the hotel manager in Home Alone 3 obviously).

2: Viggo Mortensen: The Prophecy

Frankly, the idea of turning up at the pearly gates only to find that chief angel Gabriel looks like Christopher Walken is pretty terrifying to begin with, but halfway through seminal (in every sense of the word) 90’s straight-to-video shocker The Prophecy, the one angel worse than the tap-dancing king of spooky arrives in classic form. He may spend about 5 minutes total on screen, but the evil Aragorn manages to steal the whole movie (and hey, this is a movie starring that guy who played the creepy new roommate Eddie in ‘Friends’ -Oscar-worthy talent indeed!) by dint of a few whispered words and an entirely odd approach to vegetarian dining. Altogether now: “I love you more than Jeeeessssuuussssss…”

3: The Beast: Krull

It’s not often that Satan turns his hand to filmmaking, but a twisted mephistophian deal is the only possible reason we can think of to explain the presence of Bernard Brasslaw, Todd Carty and Liam Neeson in the same film. In his favour, The Beast doesn’t really go with the whole ’subtle trickster’ thing Satan tends to be known for, instead he looks fucking terrifying, landing a bloody great mountain on top of people at random, eating and zombifying the locals as he sees fit, and ditching any kind of psuedonym in favour of the far more straightforward: The Beast! You can’t argue with a name like that. The fact that he’s the only guy here that resembles Mount Saint Helens only adds to his mystique.

4: Robert DeNiro: Angel Heart

Oh Satan, you wily, wily trickster you! How would any voodoo-loving 20’s New Orleansian see through a too-clever-by-half psuedonym like ‘Louie Cypher’. Yep, it’s credit to Mickey Rourke’s general punch-drunkenness that he and that Cosby show chick take the better part of three hours to work out exactly who they’re dealing with. Of course, it’s entirely possible they could just be on an awful lot of drugs -something the audience wishes it had thought of before they started watching Alan Parker’s ‘87 gloomathon.

5: Gozer: Ghostbusters

Technically more a duke (or in this case, duchess…also sailor…) of Hell than a genuine Satan, Gozer still makes the list thanks to a really fucking weird MO. Normally Satan prefers to plant seeds of dissension, get innocent nuns loved up with AntiChrist babies or posess small girls in rural Maryland. Not the Goz’ though. Sure she starts small -I for one would welcome a fridge demon that made me eggs in the morning and gave me a multi-hand massage in my favourite armchair, but it isn’t long before the lord of the Sebuliai decides to give up being a large and moving torg, don a bubble wrap disco suit, and show downtown how prehistoric bitches do things – blowing the tops off skyscrapers, turning people into dogs and eventually turning into a gigantic confectionery that gets its kicks from stepping on churches.

6: Clint Eastwood -High Plains Drifter

He hasn’t got a name, he hasn’t got horns, in fact, you’d figure the king of upper atmosphere would have slightly more to his name than a donkey and a moth-eaten poncho, but that doesn’t stop Clint from being the meanest Satanic allegory of the lot. Let’s face it, if you had all eternity to spare would you spend it buggering about the Utah salt flats goading villagers into shooting the crap out of banditos? Of course you would! Expertly riling the townsfolk without ever just coming out and telling them what to do, Clint squints, spits and cigarillo-smokes his way into their lives before dissapearing in a puff of ‘Channel 4 News’ theme music.

As you know, STS has been getting far too excited by the prospect of a 12 inch plastic woody returning to our screens lately, and as we’re top-notch media moguls, resplendant in our gold lame suits and real velour underwear, we’ll obviously be going to see it before the rest of you unwashed scumbags. Unless of course..we were to be GIVING AWAY TICKETS! Yep, it’s Toy Story 3 competition time!

We’ve got a pair of shiny tickets to the Leicester Square press preview of Disney’s latest visit to Andy’s toy box, taking place in swinging London’s shiny Leicester Square on Sunday, 20th June -an ENTIRE MONTH before the rest of your plebby mates get to see it! Let’s face it, you’ll be the coolest kid in school with this kind of super-advance viewing opportunity.

Now, unlike other, better written and more popular blogs, we here at STS know that our readers are busy people – you’ve got toast to eat and areas to scratch -you certainly haven’t got time to answer complicated questions about plastic bloody dolls.

So, instead of a question, we’ll make it easy on you – just leave a comment below that contains the word ‘Potato’! We’ll pick the most idiotic and announce the winners on Thursday the 17th of June -get your potato-based thinking caps on and get commenting!

Rapidly becoming our favourite movie of the year starring a talking potato (After Mickey Rourke in Iron Man 2 obviously), Toy Story 3 is shaping up to be even more fun than it’s predecessors, with plenty of laughs for kids, and plenty of chances for accompanying parents to side with the toys as they try desperatly to escape the clutches of their tiny tot jailers – will Woody be reunited with a college-bound Andy? Will Potato Head get his ‘tache back? Will Buzz learn to fly? Well…yes actually, at least according to this new video that snuck out from Disney’s vaults earlier today:

Whuh? Why the hell’s a movie site talkin’ about them thar readin’ books? Next they’ll be askin’ us to be a-learnin’ on our own time, an that thars aginst God’s own will boy.

Generally speaking, we’d much rather watch the movie than read it’s literary counterpart, I mean, since when did books have flashing colours, Robocop and the possibility of a Jenny Agutter shower scene? And let’s not forget, movies are done in 2 hours straight, while a book can take aaaaages to plough through, particularly if it’s the latest chapter in the Twilight series and you keep hurling it out of the window halfway through.

While all the above reasons are 100% true by us, there are a few paperbacks out there that haven’t yet received the Peter Jackson overhaul (not a euphamism), so the staff at STS decided to head to the local library and steal a few weighty tomes. Here’s what we came back with – it’s our: Top 5 Books That Should Be Movies!

1: Learn Swedish in Three Months.

put the chicken in the basket

You ever try to make a movie? Yeah, well let me tell you cadet, it takes years! It’s like goin’ to war -something the Swedish are notoriously reluctant to do. Seriously, when was the last time you heard that Stockholm’s finest had become embroiled in a land war in central Asia? Never, because the Swedes are by and large a bunch of placid (if sarcastic) herring lovers who’d rather pump out top-notch murder mysteries and erotic content than fire a cruise missile at Afghanistan. Let me tell you, you can’t make a movie in three months, but this one should be. Not only will it teach you how to climb glaciers and remain relentlessly optimistic even when the sun doesn’t rise for half the year, but it’ll also provide you with useful phrases. From the specific: “ Var är poolen?”, to the romantic: “Sätt choklad på Moose” and of course the all-purpose: “Det skulle vara en ekumenisk fråga “. With Kenneth Branagh in the Directors chair and Peter Skarsgaard in the lead, it’s the multi-lingual love-in with a cold hard edge (and mobile phone-based sub-plot) we’ve all been waiting for!

2: Modern Painters: John Ruskin

He is like piece of iron!

While the 19th Century original took Ruskin some seventeen years to pump out, there’s no reason why this can’t be turned into a 90 minute Dolph Lundgren straight to DVD actioner straight away. Consider the parallels: Ruskin’s book is an elegant criticism beginning as a defence of J.M.W.Turner, transforming into a meditation on the relationship art plays between God and man, while Dolph genrally plays characters with names like Jake Burner, and portrays the role of Grenades in sending men to meet God. Practically writes itself. Recently re-written for a modern audience by David Barrie – also known as First Secretary for the British diplomatic service, meaning it’s a piece of piss to shoe-horn in a Bourne-style MI6 rogue agent angle!

3:Photoshop CS4 in Simple Steps

no worries, we'll fix it in post...

Simplicity -like an educationally challenged man – crossed with cutting edge graphics. Lawnmower Man may have done it 20 years ago, but hey – that was shit. This is photoshop, which means this’ll be one movie that’s industry standard, chock-full of vector graphics, and is prone to freezing up for several hours at a moment’s notice! Of course, you could use the shortcuts to get to the end of the hopelessly contrived plot (Boy must impress girl with his artistic prowess, but becomes increasingly addicted to pimping out his Facebook profile instead) more quickly, but you’ll never bother to learn them will you? Available for home release in a variety of obscure formats that aren’t compatible with any known player!

4: The Necronomicon

Clive quickly realised the perils of ordering spaghetti on a first date

Hey, it’s already made several guest appearences in Evil Dead movies, not to mention a bunch of dodgy H.P.Lovecraft flicks, so isn’t it time this particular bound-in-human-skin piece of pure eeeeevil got to headline? According to Lovecraft, just reading an old copy would conjure phantasms more ghastly than the human mind could handle -just imagine a script like that in Uwe Boll’s hands! Normally when you emrege from the cinema the worst you have to contend with is the realisation that you’re covered in popcorn kernels -with the Necronomicon you’d be faced with an entire universe possesed by the many-angled ones! (To be honest, this may not be all that different to a regular Cineworld lobby)

5: Twilight: Eclipse. (CAUTION:SARCASM AHEAD)

Edward felt his heart stir beneath her boss-eyed gaze...

Unfortunately there’s no plot, character development or anything even remotely good about Eclipse, but that didn’t stop anyone making Wild Wild West, so why shouldn’t this be a movie too? To be fair, we doubt it’ll ever be made, it’s pretty tough getting a script through the Hollywood grinder at the best of times -even Indiana Jones 4 took years, and look how that turned out -so it’s hardly likely a fanatically religious, warped tale of peadophillic vampires and homosexual werewolves lovin’ up very boring, one dimensional underage girls (with added mopeds) will ever be seen on our screens, which is a real shame, because if there’s one thing missing this summer, it’s an overlong, piss-poorly acted bore-a-thon starring a clumsy oaf who resembles a transvestite crack whore and the world’s most forgettable leading actress -but hey, stranger things have happened!

Hollywood loves a good horror film, they always have. From films based on real life murders to alien invasions everyone loves to be scared in one way or another. However the recent slew of bad sequels and even worse remakes is a very new phenomenon and Hollywood appears to be doing rather well from these shambolic films as people flock to see a safe horror film.

While new to the mainstream these dodgy horror films have always been there dwelling in the sewers of the million dollar studios used to create the a-list movies you love, these are the b-movies and this is their time.

B-movies are cheap, badly made, unrealistic, jumpy, and at times very funny. I credit one man with the return of the b-movie and while it may have been slow he’s brought it into the main stream without you even realising it. His name is Sam Raimi. Yes I know he made Spiderman, Spiderman 2, and the shocking Spiderman 3, but look at the terrible humour in that, it’s all b-movie….

It started with Evil Dead in 1981. If you’ve seen this film you will know what I’m talking about and if not then stop reading this and watch it immediately it will change your life like only a film with a woman being raped by a tree can. Starring Bruce ‘the chin’ Campbell as Ash this film is the epitome of b-movie. The effects consist of shaky camerawork and super fast tracking shots that are sometimes painful to watch. The plot is about a book which has released a demonic curse upon a cabin where 5 friends are staying and the only way to kill anyone who becomes ‘infected’ is to dismember them. The script and acting are beyond funny and the gore is just epic.

As bad as I just made that sound it is one of the most original films probably ever made and Sam Raimi was just 21 at the time. Of course he made a sequel and guess what? It was just as good or bad, however you want to look at it. Over 20 years later and he has returned with Drag Me To Hell.

Now, Drag Me To Hell may not seem like a b-movie but it definitely is. Hailed as the return to form for Sam Raimi it couldn’t be anything less.

Thinking about it now the plot was fairly stupid and there wasn’t actually that much of it happening. It centres around Christine Brown, a bank worker who is cursed by a gypsy who she refused a loan, this curse unleashes the demon Lamia who in three days will take her soul to hell. The ending was quite shocking and left me feeling a little bit betrayed, but later I thought that’s ace!

Sam Raimi just can’t help himself from making that sort of classic horror. I know lots of people hated this film, but it’s just like the exorcist really and nobody said that was silly. If you want realism watch a harrowing drama. The comedy here isn’t laugh out loud but more the sort of humour that makes you ashamed of being scared as dead bodies leak embalming fluid and a nose bleed looks more like a knife wound. The director even managed to squeeze in an evil dead like scene where Christine Brown is heroically passing on her curse in a muddied grave.

Everyone can respect a film that does exactly what you want it to do and doesn’t shove some ulterior message down your throat. The only thing shoved down throats here is buttons.

The only thing differentiating this from Raimi’s earlier work was the acting which by newcomer Alison Lohman (Christine) was excellent. It looked and felt low-budget and it didn’t try to be anything more than what it was. This is why B- movie is the new A-movie when it comes to horror.

Hey- do you llike the idea of a man with a gun telling Nic Cage to do things with Eva Mendes? Do you like free stuff? Then you’re in the right place buddy.

Thanks to the fantastic folks at See Film First, we’ve got our hands on some preview tickets for Werner Herzog’s sure-to-be-barking-mental Bad Lieutenant, previewing tonight at 11.30pm in London’s Leicester Square.

If you fancy a midnight movie then just leave a comment below and we’ll contact you by 6pm and send you a pair of free tickets. And if you want more of this sort of thing then feel free to sign up to See Film First, where you’ll be offered free tickets to comedy, theatre, gigs and of course -lots and lots of great movies!

It’s UK election time, and while our political involvement is usually limited to drawing straws to see who pays for popcorn, this year we just couldn’t help it -we’ve got election fever! It could be the dreamy candidates, or it could be that we really want to re-use AVP’s “Whoever wins – we lose!” tagline, but we’re certain that only a multimillion dollar summer blockbuster can do justice to this Thursday’s clash of the political titans! We hope Oliver Stone is listening (he is. Oliver has spies everywhere…) as we match leading UK politicians (and Nick Griffin) to top acting talent and cast our perfect UK Election movie!

Robert Patrick is…David Cameron (Conservative Party)

Patrick’s movie career has been in freefall since he played a heartless crystal-minded killing machine in T2- just like the Tory leadership of Britain! With his cold, dead eyes and ability to go completely unnoticed he’s a dead ringer for David – admittedly Dave’s camouflage isn’t powered by future tech, he’s simply so bland that people ignore him, and he’s more than willing to drive a knife through the heart of families and utterly destroy blue collar industrial capability- just like the T1000

Marlon Brando is..Gordon Brown (Labour Party)

He may have been dead for years, but that hasn’t stopped Gordon yet (do you see what I did there? Sigh..I’m wasted round here I really am…). With his propensity for dodgy business deals and going to war illegally, the former godfather has plenty of leadership potential, while his performance as Superman’s father- an alien being from another time, completely divorced from humanity- means he perfect for the role. And let’s not forget-he coulda been a contender

Jerry Seinfeld is…Nick Clegg (Liberal-Democrat Party)

To be honest we mainly based this one on the hairstyle. So far Jerry’s only real acting has been in B-movie, where he starred as a tiny, unlikely hero who gets involved in complex litigation procedures against the powers that be- who better to play the B-party leader?!
He’ll back this up with a borderline OCD attention to the minutiae of everyday life, never learning, changing or stepping outside his neighbourhood microcosm- sounds like the perfect politician to us. The Lib-Dems can’t possibly win- hey; it’s funny because it’s true!

Jabba The Hutt is..Nick Griffin (Nazi BNP Party)

So, he’s a dodgy gangster not afraid to use intimidation and outright lies to back up a cause that would never stand up in court, while he’s only managed to become successful by recruiting disaffected freaks to his highly dubious cause- hey, Jabba even shares Griffin’s immigration policy, employing hundreds of thugs to hunt down any space-gypsies they can find, before happily capturing and hanging them.
Could also save filmmakers a fortune in prosthetic makeup.

Matthew McConaughey is… Caroline Lucas (Green Party)

Admittedly it’s a leftfield choice, one is a drug-addled hellraiser best known for playing the bongos naked all night and duelling with mythical dragons, while the other is a major Hollywood actor (comedy gold around here isn’t it?)! The only thing standing between McConaughey and the role is written proof that his hair-weave is environmentally friendly, and a commitment to bringing his highly noxious personality into line with the Kyoto treaty.

Like everyone mentioned we probably haven’t thought this through properly, but we still reckon we’re well on the way to a massive money-making machine on a par with MP’s expense claims, but we aren’t there yet!

Who will play handsome US bully boy heartthrob Barack Obama? How on Earth will we convince Antony Hopkins he’d be perfect as David Ike?

We need your help readers- who do you want to see filling Robert Kilroy-Silk’s shoes (and not just with shit)?

Let us know!

Here in swingin’ London town, going to a movie doesn’t always have to mean ‘sitting in multiplex scarfing electric cheese flavour nachos. ‘ Nope, there’s a whole raft of cinematic ‘events’ and ‘experiences’ going on at any given time, and Curzon Cinema’s monthly Midnight Movies are one of the best and most enduring of a pretty funky bunch.

So it was that STS strapped on our grooviest velvet Nehru jacket and go-go danced our way down to this month’s event – a super-sexy sci-fi spectacular screening of 60’s cheeseathon Barbarella….

Making an effort to create an atmosphere as usual, we descended into the Curzon’s basement screening room and were greeted by go-go girls with giant eyeball helmets, a DJ sporting a very natty all-in-one silver spacesuit, and a few free Jameson’s Whisky cocktails to get the crowd relaxed and in the mood for free love baby.

Previous happenings here have had some pretty cool opening numbers, with the likes of Edgar Wright popping in to wax lyrical about Death Wish 3 or John Landis Q&A-ing American Werewolf. This time we get…amateur burlesque. Gold cape and ‘tit-lights’ (you had to be there…) aside, we’re also ‘treated’ to a preview of upcoming US ‘Romantic Thriller’ Birdemic –fast earning it’s reputation as the worst piece of crap ever made –we’re looking forward to it immensely.

Onto the movie!

If you’ve never seen Barbarella then there’s a tendency to assume it espouses some form of proto-feminism. It’s gloriously kitsch Frazetta-esque poster art giving the impression that the eponymous space starlet is some kind of ass-kicking female Flash Gordon. In fact, it’s a full on exploitation piece, the camera taking every opportunity to grub its way over Jane Fonda’s curves as she hunts down rogue scientist Durand Durand (Milo O’Shea – channelling the spirits of Colin Clive and Groucho Marx) and his deadly positronic ray in a city built on pure eeeeeeeevil. In its defence…well, there is no defence really. One can only hope that Fonda’s then-husband Roger Vadim was simply very, very proud of his new wife and wanted to show her off.

Oh-and make no mistake, Fonda looks absolutely amazing. Not a frame passes when you aren’t reminded exactly why she sold so many exercise books. Her performance is also endearingly ditzy but never annoying, and wether she’s being tickled to death by a giant sex organ or rolling around naked in a giant nest (after restoring the will to fly to dull as dishwater angel Pygar) it’s perfectly apt that she never even remotely resembles anything on Earth.

But she –like everything else here – is merely window dressing. There’s a godawful Saturday morning serial plot attempting to glue things together, but in the main it’s an excuse for screaming seagull-children to attack with killer dolls, woolly-chested icemen to bang Jane’s brains out and an outrageously OTT performance by Anita Pallenberg as the slightly lesbian Great Tyrant.

In any other setting this would be mortifyingly sexist, and let’s be honest, it is here too, but it’s also smothered in such a freaky amount of cheese that it becomes incredibly endearing. It’s wilfully out there, from its happy ice monsters to it’s rock-people to biological starships lined with velvet. Lines like ‘Decrucify that angel or I’ll melt your face’ actually sound fine here. A Drew Barrymore remake has long been on the cards but frankly I’d be flabbergasted if modern Hollywood dared to leave all the acid trip weirdness and hair-curling – literally – sex in.

Tonight’s print was scratchy, and it says something that the jumps and missing dialogue actually add to the experience. While you’re best off viewing this when you’re high as a kite (Or when you’re a horny 15 year old boy) this is a fantastic classic that really makes you wonder what the hell your parent’s generation thought were up to. A free-lovin’ super-groovy classic capped off with some smooov sounds from Bob Crewe’s Generation (Spotify them –you won’t regret it…), put this on your Lovefilm right now.

While Mjolnir may have a bit-part in a certain massive summer blockbuster out now, Marvel’s god of thunder The Mighty Thor has been conspicuous by his absence lately, but thanks to Yahoo Movies who posted this first pic of Chris Hemsworth all dolled up Asgardian style earlier today, and we have to say…it’s not bad. Obviously using the current comics incarnation as a template, the costume stays very true to the comic-book spirit – although we reckon the cape looks a little bit daft.

Also rumbling round the net today, the Latino review uncovered this first pic of Thor’s big bad – The Destroyer. An enchanted suit of armour that likes nothing more than beating the crap out of wayward Norse mythological types.

What do you reckon to the look – it’s certainly Kirby-esque, but will it look silly on the screen?

As any fule ‘know, videogame adaptations are always amazing works of creative genius. Uwe Boll alone racking up over 5000 Oscars* in the past 3 years alone thanks to his amazing pieces of filmic art. And while it’ll be hard to top Uwe’s attempts to resusitate Christian Slater’s career, you can’t blame young filmakers like Mike Newell (apparently his last movie was a little-known, contemplative meditation on the trials of a boy wizard…) from hungering after some of that delicious award season glory, and hey, with Prince of Persia, he may just manage it!**

Any the hoo, here’s a couple of new featurettes explaining important plot points like..erm..how Jake got so butch…and…erm…like, what the magic dagger does n’ stuff… IT’S IMPORTANT!

Anyway, we’ll be having a look at PoP later this month, so join us then for the full review -until then though, check out Jake n’ Gems telling us all about it…

*Oscar Meyer hot dogs

**Technical categories only

Time to welcome Neil Marshall back from the post-apocalyptic hinterlands of Scotland for his latest, a…erm…post-apocalyptic* adventure set in Scotland…

Looking back on his work, it’s clear that Neil has an affection for genre pics – nowt wrong with that. Dog Soldiers set up a small group of hard nuts against Werewolves. Descent set up a group of soon-to-be hardnuts against..whatever that weird Morlocky thing was. Doomsday set up..well, you get the idea, and while it doesn’t quite reach the absurd brilliance of his earlier take on lycanthropy, Marshall’s look at ancient British history is still a grab bag of gory fun with a certain swaggering charm.

It’s the 2nd century, and the chaps in Rome are a mite pissed off with a bunch of hairy Scots ner-do-wells wandering about and beating the crap out of various border patrols. Time for a spot of overkill thinks emperor Hadrian.

Hey, what else can is he supposed to do? It’s not like he can build a wall along the entire side of the country is it?

Enter the Ninth Legion, a bunch of crack leather-skirted lunatics taking time out from chopping up Visigoths. Unfortunately their overconfidence proves ill-founded, as fierce Pict Etain (Kurylenko) takes out most of the legion before embarking on a gory chase movie for the next two acts.

Plus points first then: Clearly the director’s penchant for filming in Caledonian woodland is bearing bitter fruit – the cinematography here is fantastic (Marshall’s penchant for over-using the blue filter aside). Mist soaked woodlands come across as beautifully primal and eerie, the landscape displaying a rugged, terrifying charm that The Lord of the Rings would have been proud of. Lead Roman Michael Fassbinder and his surviving men have a whale of a time plunging through the deep forests and scrambling up shale covered hillsides in their bid for escape, the landscape itself one of the most formidable opponents on display.

Unfortunately Etain and her fellow Picts just don’t compare.

The action is all-out, frantic chases across a terrifying landscape, but it’s too break-neck, with little time for character development as one faceless legionnaire after another is despatched by a variety of interchangeable blue-faced Pictish loonies. Meanwhile Kurylenko’s character is mute, meaning her already limited emoting time is reduced to a montage of angry scowls. The Picts have a genuine grievance against the Roman invaders, so it’s a shame that both sides of the story aren’t aired in a more effective fashion – if they were, this could be something quite special, rather than the effective but somewhat run of the mill shocker we’ve ended up with.

But hey, it’s an action flick with added swords and sandals, and when it does succeed, it’s great. Dominic West stands out as slightly deranged, scenery-chewing general Virilus, and while Fassbinder struggles to convince in his five minute encounter with a token luverly lady, he scowls, growls and punches his way through the often electrifying action sequences in fine style, proving himself as a major action star in the making.

Overall this is good, but not great, and while it’s a shame that some of the missed opportunities stand out so clearly on screen, what remains is a brutal romp that will go down a treat on DVD with a few beers and a pizza.

*OK, OK, it was the apocalypse as far as the Roman Empire was concerned, so I say it still counts. It’s my f**king blog ok?

If the worm is to believed, the Britain is ready for change. Even if it’s the sort of mind-numbingly boring change that involves paying an extra penny for fags in exchange for slightly more CCTV cameras being put up, but hey- at least Brown, Cameron and Clegg stayed on message, although personality-wise they could probably take a few pointers from these guys!Yep, we may have conviniently ignored both Big Ronnie Reagan and The Governator himself, but hey; these are still our top: Movie Politicians!

1: Greg Stilson – The Dead Zone

To be perfectly honest, I’d never vote for anyone, or indeed do anything at all if it pissed off Christopher Walken, but Martin Sheen’s man of the people act is doing a pretty good job of propelling him toward the White House in David Cronenburgs 83 Stephen King Adap. Pf course, we don’t have any psychics on hand to see if Gordon or David is planning to launch a nuclear attack on Brussels anytime soon, but the film still ranks highly as a warning about what happens when your leaders believe a little too strongly in their ideals.

2: Adenoid Hynkel – The Great Dictator

Charlie Chaplin finally decided it was payback time for Hitler stealing his moustache, with his first talkie, a searing attack on the idiocy of the extreme right wing. Along with advisers Garbitch and Herring, the leader of Tomenia is hell bent on bringing the world under his control, only hindered by his own hubris and predilection for making ridiculous speeches in public – so, exactly like our own government then.

3: Jesse Ventura – Abraxas

He may be a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus, but even former spandex-clad man-grappler and on-again, off-again governor of Minnesota Jesse Ventura couldn’t save the woeful pile of crap that called itself Abraxas (in fact it was so bad it didn’t even warrant a real trailer – this fan effort was the best we could find!). Big Jesse may be a dab hand at doing the capitol hill two-step, but here his muddled manifesto – dress up in silver lycra, bring law and order to the galaxy and stop a killer mutant loose on Earth – just doesn’t appeal to the average working class family.

4: Larry Vaughn – Jaws

As anyone growing up in a seaside town knows, the yearly influx of tourists is vital to the local economy, so who cares if one or two of the more nubile ones get their bubble-perms bitten off by a psychotic fish? Certainly not Mayor Larry, who lives up to the classical political ideal by putting money – and re-election – a long, long way ahead of human lives. Sorry Larry, but you’re gonna need a bigger vote.

5: President Scroob – Spaceballs

Honestly – who wouldn’t vote for Mel Brooks? Even if his ass is on backwards? Scroob spends most of the movie tempting an expense account scandal with his own supply of clean air and three in a bed romps with twins Marlene and Charlene, but when push comes to shove he’s the kind of leader who gets things done. How he ever justified spending all those tax dollars on a three hundred foot tall French maid is anyone’s guess though.

Here at your reliably immature STS it’s wednesday, which can only mean one thing (well, two things if you count Steak Night at Wetherspoons…) It’s Toy Story 3 day!

Luckily this time round our rummaging through the toy box turned up these new AV bits fresh from Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen nazi mouth, god bless ‘im. Check ‘em out!

Flynn lives! Time to rise up and join the revolution comrades, and what better way to get started than checking out these awesome propoganda-style Tron posters by illustrator Steve Thomas.

Steve specialises in arcade-related retro designs (that it has to be said would look amazing on my wall at home, so hopefully he’s reading this and feeling generous…),and retro-futuristic travel guides, with a number of very cool prints available over at zazzle. Check out Steve’s site for more of his stuff, including some great takes on Donkey Kong, Frogger and even everyone’s favourite mediaeval knights on flying ostriches actioner Joust.

Wether or not we could kick as much ass as our favourite movie heroes is often up for debate around the STS office, I mean, we may only be of above-average strength, but we’re no Die Hard.

Anyway, the first trailer for The Other Guys is here and takes a look at exactly that conundrum, as certified action star Marky Mark and certified..erm..elf…Will Ferrell get promoted to all-action status when super cops Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson are taken out of the picture.

Protecting Steve Coogan’s Bernard Madoff-alike in Adam McKay’s comedy, the presence of the team behind Anchorman is always worth investigating and early news shows that McKay isn’t shrinking away from putting his high profile cast through the high-octane action wringer, meaning this could well be 2010’s hottest action comedy ticket.

Miley Cyrus. Hate her or hate her, there’s no denying that everybody hates her.

Well, apart from the few hundred million baying tweenage fans of course. Marry that up to the godawful ‘literature’ of Nicholas ‘The Notebook’ Sparks, and hey -The Last Song is bound to morph into a take-no-prisoners summer romance sleeper that practically bays box-office ker-ching!

To be fair this does look like a definite attempt by the spawn of Billy-Ray to move away from her happy-go-pukey Hannah Montana roots, taking a sideways step into achey-breaky heart territory and opposite the decidedly more credible Liam (not to be confused with Chris) Hemsworth, last seen scaring the beejesus out of us on board Triangle’s haunted ferry, early reviews point to some actual acting emerging.

Meanwhile director Julie Anne Robinson makes her first trip to the big screen, but with a history helming the likes of TV’s Pushing Daisies and uber-schlock Gray’s Anatomy, there’s no denying her qualifications as a top-flight purveyor of chick magnet romance.

While it hardly fills STS’s regular remit of explosions and semi-nudity, there’s no denying that Ms.Cyrus isn’t without her charms, and with decent back up and proven backing material, this could mark her step out of the shadow of Disney (who are of course producing -financially acute as always) and onto a wider stage.
The movie doesn’t première in the UK until later this month, but we’ll be there with coo-ing girlfriends in tow, and based on early word from the states, we may be in for a pleasant surprise…

With Iron Man 2’s hype machine currently going into Scarlet Johannsen booby-shaped overdrive, it’s easy to think that inventors are a bunch of hyper-intelligent, supercool playboys cobbling together amazing doohickeys for the protection and betterment of mankind.

The movies have a long history of science-types saving the planet and coming up with amazing inventions to win the hearts and minds of us, the lowly viewer. Unfortunately, for every Tony Stark there’s a wet fart, with dozens of films full of half-assed ideas hewn from cardboard and clingfilm. Some are rubbish, some are stupid and others are downright dangerous!

Put on your safety goggles and stand behind the lead sheilding then, while we check out the top ten: Crap Movie Inventions!

1: The Cosmic Key – Masters of the Universe

What is it? A ‘universal resonator’ apparently..
What does it do? Allows Skeletor to launch a massive invasion of planet Earth! Unfortunately its an invasion force consisting of him, his girlfriend, three tanks and two gay bikers. Yep, that should see off the marines skeleton face.
Handily, the key also doubles as a parping 80’s synthesiser, allowing a young Courtney Cox the chance to dance her way across the universe to meet the key’s creator Gwildor.

A stinking Troll.

Bet she was hoping for Simon Le Bon.

2: The Proton Pack – Ghostbusters

Oh yes, very useful for seeing of the undead-if you believe in that sort of thing. What they’re also useful for is setting fire to your hotel lobby and threatening to detonate in the middle of New York City.

Hey, somebody call an exterminator? With an unlicensed nuclear accelerator strapped to his back?

Yes yes, it destroys Mr.Stay Puft, but are you seriously suggesting that a flamethrower and a giant glass of milk wouldn’t do the job? Stupid and irresponsible!

3: The Phantom Zone – Superman

Listen, I’ve got these three super-powered, murderous bastards with a pvc fetish yeah? Could you lock ‘em up? Thing is, they’re all strong enough to punch through the hull of a battleship-not sure if the county lock-up will handle it.. No problem! Let’s stick ‘em in..a brittle piece of plastic three feet across. Yeah, that oughta do it huh? Oh, and while I’m at it, I’ll fire them in the direction of a helpless, primitive world that can’t hope to stop them.

Cheers Jor-el, you dick.

4: Transporters-Star Trek

Scientist:
“Well, it doesn’t really work all that well, and it has a tendency to turn people inside out or make them go a bit Seth Brundle..I may have wasted my research grant to be honest…” Starfleet Admiral: “Ah I shouldn’t worry mate, what say we stick them on all our starships anyway, at massive expense to the taxpayer? I reckon someone will have figured out how to get the thing running in the next three or four hundred years right?”
A massive waste of public resources!

5: The Lightsaber-Star Wars

Oh yeah, that looks cool, and hey, it isn’t ‘as random or clumsy as a blaster’ so that’s nice. Available in a choice of colours too is it? Well that’s good then. It would be even more handy if we didn’t live in a world where being bombarded from orbit wasn’t a huge, constant threat. Not much cop against a star destroyer is it?

6:Robocop

So, you’re saying you blown our entire budget on a tincan with half a brain, paranoid schizophrenic tendencies and massive firepower? Nice one Dave. Collect your P-45 on the way out will you?

7: The BlameThrower – Mystery Men

Normally we don’t argue with Tom Waits around here, but as pacifist weapons designer Doc Heller in Ben Stiller’s oft-overlooked ensemble piece even we have to admit he’s bloody useless. Imagine if you can a device purposefully designed to make Janeane Garofalo and Pee-Wee Herman even more annoying! Not a patch on the cyclone-based hand grenade.

8: The Reanimation Formula – Reanimator

Yeah. Brings the dead back to life does it? And they’re obsessed with oral sex and eating people? Yeah sounds good Jeff. Dozens of applications I’m sure. Now why don’t you try on this comfy white coat while I make a quick phone call…

9: Skynet – The Terminator

Got me to thinkin’ sir, hows about we stick an advanced military application in the back of every software program sold since the early 80’s? Well, I was thinkin’ it would mean we’d have an autonomous, amoral machine running..well..everything in the world. With access to our most powerful and dangerous weaponry! Cost? Oh, probably about a trillion…yeah sure, I’ll email you some designs over now…what’s that? Go wrong? Erm…nah, nah it’ll be fine, if it does we can use those new Terminator things on it can’t we?

10: The Time Machine – Back to the Future

A Time Machine!? Wow! What a shame the Doc hasn’t got any fuel for it. And has to steal it from Libyan terrorists. And it’s stolen plutonium. And he hasn’t really wired the bloody thing up properly. And the only time it works properly is when it propels a dog one minute into the future. Bloody genius that is isn’t it?

Bloody rubbish the lot of them, and this is just the tip of the iceberg – Come on STS-ers, we know there’s more, but what are they? let us know!

Zing! Never a man to mince his words, The Governator spouts forth flaming quote juice in this slice of Ahnold-baked genius from hh1edits.

You’re not sending me to da coola…

Vice Magazine. The Hipster Bible. You could write it off as a vapid waste of tree, for perpetual self regarding dicks. But you’d be wrong. (I thought this – but seriously – find an issue with a really long article and read it. Actual FUCKING JOURNALISM. Amazing)

Vice has time and again proven itself to have balls like fucking coconuts when it comes to seeking out weird little bits of culture that you have probably never heard of before. The last big documentary project they were involved in was a trip to the failed / fucking crazy state of Liberia where they hung around with cannibals and genuinely pantshittlingly scary types.

They’ve since turned their attention to looking at the weird would of film. Eshewing anything so mundane as Hollywood or even good ol’ porno, they’ve gone and found the most batshit insane film cultures out there (Iranian film, Narco-Cinema and even North Korean film!) and gone and made a killer documentary on it. It looks like it could be a better version of Louis Theroux’s Weird Weekends – somewhat ballsier and a bit more gonzo.

Lucky for you you can catch all the episodes on VBS.TV – Amazing stuff.

Recent red carpet news saw Keanu Reeves mentioning the possibility of a new Bill & Ted movie, and not before time. The film’s upcoming 25th anniversary has to be a great opportunity, and it at least deserves a special edition – ‘Trailer’ and ‘Gallery’ don’t really count as Special Features these days do they? Swiftly causing a wave of upbeat online support , the announcement is striking when compared to the almost universal vilification rumours of an updated remake bought about a couple of years ago.

Bill&Ted’s Excellent Adventure is, to be honest, one of the best movies ever made. Funny without the need for gross-out, it emanates a likeability that’s infectious. Screw The Matrix, this is Canoe’s finest role by far, Bill S.Preston Esq perfectly suited to his unique brand of zen-glazed acting. After recentlye-visiting Excellent and Bogus Journey – another great film that you owe it to yourself to check out – I was suitably re-entertained, but unfortunately the whole experience was tinged with melancholy

What slow dawning horror could knock the general dude-type good vibes emanating from your ancient TV screen you ask? Well, throughout I was troubled by the realisation that the Rock Movie is a form sadly lacking from today’s cinemascape…

Now, I’m not talking about nostalgia trips like Almost Famous or Rock Star, or the risible likes of The Rocker. I’m talking about the really gnarly flicks that veer off into weird fantasy and horror territory, backing it up with ridiculous heavy metal soundtracks and ending up all the more brilliant for it. Films like The Wraith, a 1983 Charlie Sheen vehicle. Literally – the erstwhile Two and a Half Men star taking revenge on small town bullies by transforming into a Dodge MS4 concept car and running over Ron Howard’s rat-faced brother! The movie, like others of it’s ilk, has an internal logic all it’s own. Most of these are early-to-mid 80’s movies, a sub-sub-genre that brightened many a trip to the VHS rental outlet before Blockbuster took over and banished stupid horror by forcing it to be multi-demographic.

One of the main problems of late is that horror and fantasy have become too kid/teen-centric, and while the odd cerebral horror like Let the Right One In may break the mold, it’s truly difficult to find a genuinely fun and scary horror for anyone over the age of 15 these days. Remakes abound, and if a movie isn’t suffering from a glut of over-familiarity, then it’s just too far up it’s own arse.

Fig 1: NO!

Likewise fantasy, where Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings have seen the entire once-promising genre devolve into tweenage romantic epicness (tm Scott Pilgrim) backed up with terrible special effects. In effect, we have a legion of Krull’s with all the fun parts – gratuitous nudity, extreme violence, state officials screaming at mad gods – taken out and replaced with wistful glances and sub-par indie soundtracks.

Fig 2: YES!

The best part of the 80’s Rock Horror is that it just doesn’t give a fuck. Like the musical genre that spawned it, it’s well aware of it’s own inherent ridiculousness, and happy to take it as far as possible. How can you argue with a movie where the protagonist sells his soul to become a rock star? Or indeed, where Billy the Kid hits on Joan of Arc?

Of course, fashion plays it’s part in this. These days watered down versions of Hard Rock’s softest hits – I’m looking at you Journey – are all the rage. In the old days the metalhead was usually the weird outsider/nerd who got to defeat monster/put on concert in order to get girl/defeat jocks. The trouble is in this day and age we’re all nerds who support and love underground culture. Jocks aren’t allowed to shout the ever-amusing classic ‘get your hair cut‘ at kids at school anymore, depriving said victim of the chance to retreat into a fantasy world and practice guitar for 18 hours a day finally emerging with a multi-platinum album at the end of it – check out the awesome rock facial expressions in the clip below-these can only be achieved by sitting in a dark bedroom for 4 years, squinting at TAB books (and masturbating yourself silly whenever your mum goes to the shops) – believe me, I know!

This is obviously a problem, because these kids were generally pretty nice people who just couldn’t be bothered to wear fashionable clothes, and didn’t like pop music (at this point I should add, if you’re old enough, look at a picture of yourself in the 80s, if you have a bubble perm/mullet and are wearing a skinny tie, and you own any Nik Kershaw albums, you’re probably pretty embarrassed about it right? If you had long hair and jeans, and own ‘Powerslave‘ then you probably look pretty much the same and are off to see Maiden this summer right?). This has also left an unfortunate vacuum full of real nerds -the guys in shirts with pictures of wolves on them. Whatever your opinion of the movies/books, there can’t be any argument that owning merchandise with a picture of R-Patz on it puts you well and truly in the social outcast category – you may as well be wearing a latex klingon forehead.

Fig 3: Our Hero...

Rock Horrors need an outsider hero. He may be dorky, but guaranteed he’ll pull off some awesome guitar licks or turn out to be the son of an ancient warlock by the end of the film. Nobody wants to see normal people doing this. You need a borderline headcase to start with so that you believe that the guy on screen is exactly the type who’d believe a vampire had moved in next door.

Unfortunately today’s really popular music -indie rock and hip-hop – just doesn’t have the sense of fantasy that ties in perfectly with these often wilfully stupid plots. Can you really see yourself sitting down to watch Taio Cruz fight off a werewolf? Or 2Pac coming pack from beyond the grave to possess his number one fan using a haunted Mp3? Actually, that last one is pretty good -remember where you read it first, but the point remains. If there’s a nerd at the centre of the action then the Metal fanbase can happily connect, while other demographics can watch the cool gorey effects and cheer when the harridan-like sociology teacher gets it in the neck halfway through.

There’s also the bleed-through effect these films had. With big-barneted rock gods causing havoc in the rentals market, studios began sitting up and..erm… letting Tim Burton put Twisted sister into Pee-Wee Herman movies. It may not have been the most auspicious of starts, but it certainly played a big part in films like Wayne’s World being greenlit.

Bill & Ted and their ilk can eschew the boring, overly-earnest posturing that films like Notorious felt the need to cram in. Part of the trouble being the lead’s desire to showcase their ability to actually act. Say what you like about Gene Simmons, but he’s never felt the need to prove himself as a thespian -despite turning in a surprisingly earnest and down to earth performance as all-night DJ Nuke in 1986′ Trick or Treat, anchoring the fantastically bizarre plot and actually enabling you to ignore his rock star status and concentrate on the Heavy Metal from hell plotline.

By taking the Cher route and giving the rocker some actual acting to do, rather than just furiously emoting for the Oscar panel, rock films allow providence free reign and make more room for inspired silliness or scares. Likewise Michael Angelo -yes really – of Nitro infamy. While his acting talents were limited to gurning like a loon and he was justifiably never heard from again, his superlative shredding as the devil in ‘91 super-shlocker Shock ‘Em Dead is both ridiculous and ridiculously fun.

With B&T fast heading for their 25th anniversary it may finally be time for one more tour of cinema screens everywhere, and if there are any low budget horror makers reading -and let’s face it, at any given time 98% of the film-making world is comprised of low budget horror makers – then you could do a lot worse than dusting off some old W.A.S.P albums for inspiration. Oh -and if you happen to know Alex Winter, pass the message -dude, only you can save Rock N’ Roll – so hop to it!

Otherwise; gentlemen – we’re history.

Ho-de-ho-ho, if it isn’t being Saint Patrick’s day ya bloody bollocks, and as a special service to our ‘Of-Irish-Descent’ readers, its time for a patronising article that has bugger all to do with Ireland (and in no way increase our readership by being blatantly confrontational and obnoxious obviously).

Time to pick up a green plastic bowler hat (just like they had in the old country that neither you nor anyone you know has ever been to), fill it with dyed green cheap whiskey (because that’s what a true Irishman would obviously do) and check out the best, definitely, positively, Of-Irish-Descent oh-yes-sir-honestly actors!

Ya feckin’ eejit.

Christian Bale

There’s nothing more Of-Irish-Descent than Batman is there? He’s a cop, working in a New York/Chicago analogue and helping out a flatfoot named Gordon. It’s to Bale’s credit that despite a penchant for growling like a bulldog a lot recently, he never once let’s the comedy accent slip. Well, Hollywood is certainly a step up from Bournemouth- top work Bale, you Of-Irish-Descent Psycho you!

Of-Irish-Descent analogue: Sam Worthington

Grunt. Roar. I am a machiiiiiinnnneeee!!!It isn’t often you see someone out-acted by their own leg muscles, But Worthington pulls it of with aplomb. We’d tell him, but he’s not allowed out of his cage between scenes. Also happens to be English, but we’ll ignore that for now…

Mel Gibson

In Lethal Weapon, Gibbo cemented his status as Hollywood’s go-to Of-Irish-descent action man, chain smoking his way through a million glorious mullet-waving action scenes, even going so far as to become violently and visibly anti-Semitic in later life- top o’ the mornin’ to ya Mel!

Of-Irish-Descent version: Bruce Willis

Wow, some one who may actually, just about, have a relative who once lived near Kilkenny! And even though McClain is actually a Scottish name rather than an Irish one, who cares, it’s all the same country outside Poughkeepsie ain’t it? Da noive a’ some peoples!

Robert Pattinson

Ah, those dark eyes, that swoon-inducing giant beehive-quiff of doom, he could only be an of-Irish-Descent rogue.Or the product of a warped imagination that had been reading too many back issues of Preacher when vampire casting week came around. Whatever, the thing they call R-Patz will be clogging up your screens in Remember Me this week, so why not heas down with a bag of green popcorn and enjoy his unique brand o’ bollicks.

Of-Irish-Descent Analogue – Taylor Lautner

He’s got the smouldering good looks down for sure. What a shame they’re buried in the tiny plastic face of a Ken doll, and married to the kind of acting skills last seen on MTV’s The Hills- A bright, Oscar-filled future awaits!

Hugh Jackman

Fist seen playing Curly in Oklahoma, it doesn’t get much more Of-Irish-Descent than a real live cowboy does it?? Jackman then hammered home his all-Of-Irish-Descent status by appearing as..erm..the Canadian Wolverine! And Leopold, Duke of Westminster! Erm…to be fair, we haven’t really thought this one through properly have we…

Of-Irish-Descent analogue: Eric Bana

Yep, this one is absolutely Of-Irish-Descent! 100% positive. Except in ‘Chopper’ obviously. And ‘The Beast’. Shite, we’re going to have to go with Treat Williams instead aren’t we?

Gary Oldman

One of the lesser species of Of-Irish-Descent thespians, Gary covers up his blatantly cockney drawl with squawking southern warblings at every available opportunity, only reverting to type as Syrius Black, but hey, that can be explained away by magic right? As Of-Irish_descent as a dyed green apple pie.

Of-Irish-Descent analogue: James Woods

Almost as adept at whispering and looking vaguely inscrutable, Woods never quite manages the ‘explosive shouting and Scotch drinking’ combo required of the true Of-Irish-Descent acting experience. Although he did once manage to shag a TV set after doing the sex with an ex-Playboy bunny, which is pretty darned close!

Well, a pretty good turn out for the Of-Irish-Descent actors today, with a massive 1 of them them actually having some measure of Blarney floating near their family to be sure! To mis-quote Phil Lynott: Is there anyone in the audience with any Irish in them tonight?

No. No there isn’t.

God alone knows what John Cusack is thinking these days, sullying his once minty fresh, high fidelity screen persona with crud like 2010 and America’s Sweethearts. Fortunately it looks like he might be back on the winning horse as he and the three unlikeliest friends ever to grace the screen head back to the 80’s in new comedy Hot Tub Time Machine. Sure it’s stupid, but the decade that gave us the haystack rule of sexuality (the higher the hair, the sexier the woman…) was responsible for some of the gnarliest movie dialogue ever -so make sure you’re prepared with the new Hot Tub time Machine iPhone App!

Combining seemingly senseless words like ‘great white buffalo’ and ‘Twittagra’ will make sure you’re the most annoying person in your office for at least the next fortnight -get over to the Apple store and bag yours now!

After sweeping the boards at this years Oscars, Katheryn Bigelow could be forgiven for sitting back to enjoy her ex-husband baiting success and asking “Who do you have to blow up to get a Martini round here?”. Instead, word is that the former Keanu-wrangler is already on the lookout for new projects.

Being the helpful souls we are, Slashing the Seats thought we’d pitch a few suitable follow-up’s to help the Point Break helmer re-create this year’s success -and fulfill our obligatory Oscars coverage in the process!

Of course, we’ve only worked our way through half the alphabet while conjouring up this list of steaming awards-magnets. Have you got a better idea?

Can you think of any more vaguely rhyming knock-off versions of this years best picture (that in no way means I can palm this assignment off on you and still collect the royalty cheque)?

What do you want to see the first female best director do next? Let us know!

The Dirt Shocker

Wily gardener Robert Englund realises he’ll never win the local women’s institute ‘Britain in Bloom’ competition by simply talking to his begonias –he’s got to shock them into a growth spurt! Unfortunately the only terrifying disguise he can find is a bargain-bin Richard Nixon mask-meaning he’s mistakenly identified as a member of notorious bank robber gang The Ex-Presidents!
Warning: May contain scenes of extreme mulching.

The Burt Hocker

When Quinton Anderson Reynolds (Dom Deluise) returns from college to find his entire life savings have been spent on back issues of cosmopolitan by his senile father Burt there’s only one thing to do – use the old man’s prize-winning moustache to disguise himself as ex-US president William Howard Taft in a series of daring bank robberies…with hilarious results!

The Pert Knocker

A band of notorious bank robbers are hunted by the US Army Bomb Disposal Squad, but manage to distract them by flashing their boobs at every opportunity, whether the storyline demands it or not! Starring Steve Guttenberg.

The Squirt Rocker

Despite the vaguely pornographic title, this heart-warming rock n’ roll tale is sure to battle its way to awards season glory. Mickey Rooney tap-dances his way back into the limelight by mentoring a group of musically challenged little people on a musical odyssey as they attempt to land a big gig with their idols –midget rockers Little Kiss and Tiny Motley Crue! Unfortunately the only way the tiny performers can get the attention they crave is to hire the US Army to put on a huge and highly dangerous explosive stage show!

The Curt Cocker

Following the success of Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Bigelow follows the adorable misadventures of a very rude spaniel that doesn’t have the time of day for his owners –until he learns the value of true friendship when he’s adopted by the US Army as an explosives sniffer dog!

The Yurt Mocker

When their alternative neighbours Tom and Barbara Good decide to demolish their house and live in an eco-friendly tent, Tom and Margo Leadbetter are quick to laugh, but can only watch aghast as their own property value falls –prompting them to embark on a series of daring bank robberies disguised as ex-presidents. With bombs!