Slashing The Seats

Fuck Yeah!!

That’s really all you need to know, but feel free to hit the jump if you want an explanation…

Yo motherfuckas, I’m Adrian ‘Death Machine’ Goddamn Brody, and I sure as hell lured you into a false sense of muttafrikkin’ securitah didn’t I?
You all was thinking that I was some kinda goddamn commie piano playin’ scaredy cat pussy. Yeah? Well fuck you, I’m a goddamn hero baby, and I can prove it!

See, I’m only starrin in the greatest goddamn war movie this side a’ the battle of Kuursk, except I don’t take no 80% losses. No siree, what I do is serve up a big nosed, full force action movie thats straight outta 1986 and don’t give two shits about it.

Fuck yeah!!

Remember old school? I mean, do you really remember it? When Hollywood made movies for adults that were rated 18 and didn’t come with a spin off action figure? Well thank god those times are back.

Lets deal with the plot quickly. After all, this is a proper movie, made by men, for men.
Point one: The Pianist wakes up in freefall, strapped to a parachute, having gained about 200 pounds of solid muscle and some guns. Lots of guns.

you bloody kids!get off my lawn!

So, being hard as motherfuckin nails baby, he survives his three mile freefall, and hooks up with some other double hard bastards including Machete and ..erm..that dude who was Venom down below
.
They’re in the jungle baby, and they gonna die!

At least they think they’re in the jungle, and they are -except this isn’t any kid of piss-weak normal jungle bitch! Nope, this is one of those crazy alien jungles. “Oooh -the kind with magic glowing butterflies?” Nope. The kind with multi-mandibled killer giant cougars!

After some staggering about they get shot at a bit, then do some shooting back, then realise it’s Laurence Fishburne they’re fighting -time for a team up.

You see, as is the way, Brody and the other elite mercenaries seem to have been transported to a hostile alien game reserve -hey, it happened to me twice last month – and seeing as this is a Predator movie, they’re being hunted down by the eponymous beasties. Fortunately they’re rock see? And they’ve got Morpheus backing them up.

You can guess the rest.

Thanks to Rodriguez, this is a glorious, gorey, ridiculous return to the best excesses of 80s action flicks. There’s screaming, there’s handheld chain guns, hell, there’s even a few shot-for-shot retakes on the Arnie original.

Spines get ripped out, people get exploded. And in the best tradition, there’s even time to give everyone a distinct, individual character. Yep, even though these are cannon fodder characters, they all have different things to say and different mindsets. Remember big ol’ native american Billy in the original? ‘Course you do, because he was a well drawn character with hints of an interesting past and enough ticks to seperate him from the pack, and so is everyone here.

Even the Predators.

Unlike the increasingly juvenile Aliens Vs Predators sub-franchise, Rodriguez isn’t afraid to hold off on showing the monster(s). Sure we know what they look like, but one of the real aces here is the return of a sense of mystery. We see heat vision, we see distortions in the trees, but we don’t see any Predators until well into the second act -and when we do it’s well worth the wait.

Clearly, the creature effects department have been given full reign here, and we get a variety of very cool, and more importantly very individual Predators. There’s an elder Predator, there’s a young, impulsive Predator. There’s even a Predator who might just be the original one – we don’t know exactly when this is set after all – and then there’s Mr.Black

He’s the bad guy. The Biff Tannen of Predators, a great, hulking, violent bastard of an alien who doesn’t just treat this as sport – you can tell he really, really hates humans.

Throughout, the effects are largely physical, and it adds a curiously old-school feel to proceedings that’s entirely appropriate. If something explodes here, it really explodes, and it isn’t likely to be a 14 storey Antartic pyramid – it’s usually somebody’s head.

The story itself -hunted become hunters – is thin, the acting ever-so-slightly overblown, but it fits perfectly.

I could spoil it all and go into intricate detail but Instead I’m going to remember my childhood, when an eight year old version of me first heard about this movie from a friend at school – man, it’s awesome!.

Welcome back, you ugly motherfucker.

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