Slashing The Seats

Now, it may seem we’ve been a little slack on the reviews front here at STS this week. “I expect their reviewers have all got swanky jobs as corporate journos at celebrity websites, they can’t be arsed writing for the likes of me anymore…” I can hear you saying. But honestly? I’ve spent most of my long weekend wondering exactly how I can put this abomination into words with out using extra, Lovecraftian letters that burst human eardrums and syllables that should not be.

Now, I’m all for the odd crap movie -hey, I even gave Miley Cyrus’ last effort a decent go, but what I’m not for is misanthropic, petulant, childish ultra-crud like this…

Hey you poor (rich) broken down (pumped up with Botox and Collagen implants) 40-something (57) urban go-getters (shallow idiots), if you’ve never wondered if there’s more to life than slurping Cosmopolitans and talking shit about your perfectly decent partners, then here’s the movie to blow your doors of perception right open.

Everyone else? RUN!

So, boiled horse and all-round ex-Flight of the Navigator supporting cast member Carrie is finally married to Mr.Big, but married life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be because..get this – her husband enjoys staying in with his wife and watching a movie occasionally. THE BASTARD!!! He should be strung up!!

Oh, and there’s some others as well aren’t there? Well, the pretty one has hired a big-titted housekeeper and thinks her husband is having it away -and let’s face it, he probably is, because that’s what men do -THE BASTARDS!!!! And the one out of Police Academy is still getting old, and the other one has decided it’s a bit noisy in her office and SHE’S MAD AS HELL AND SHE’S NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

You’ll have to excuse the histrionic screeching I’m afraid, I’m honestly just trying to prepare you for watching the movie.

Anyway, apparently these are all huge problems when you’re a spoilt, self-obsessed rich tit, so they decide to head off somewhere nice to bond. But where to go? Somewhere quiet, somewhere isolated. Somewhere where they can escape the crass commercialism of Noo Yawk. Yep – Dubai! (Morocco) Because it’s like, y’know, outside of America and stuff (I Know, I like, totally didn’t know it was in Canada either), so it’s like, totally non-capitalist and things and all like, retarded simple and stuff.

Because Mz.Bradshaw’s an award winning journalist, she’s definitely the sort of person who wouldn’t realise that Dubai isn’t full of giant cocktails and all-you-can-shag buffets, but hey, it’s creative (bereft of any and all original ideas) license yeah?

Ummm…and that’s about it really.

They wander around the desert, make suggestive movements with a Hookah pipe that would probably get them the lash in real life, and wear some really bad clothes. I’m not saying that as an anti-fashion statement or anything by the way, the couture on display is shockingly bad, particularly when you factor in the sheer importance of fashion in the series. Frankly, the clothes are bizarre, beaded, semi-kaftan abortions that make them look like a gay tribute to Omar Sherif starring Jigsaw from the Saw franchise and Gumby. Just wrong on all levels.

Holy shit I hope that's a mirage lads...

It could be over-familiarity, it could be the current cash-deficit many of us are experiencing, but there’s just no room for any left-over sentiment from the TV series here. This is just dull, ill-plotted and ill-conceived rubbish.

There’s no plot to speak of, the jokes are gossamer thin, and the whole vapid thing has the nerve -the sheer temerity of which it’s hard to fathom – to try to make a statement about women’s rights in the UAE. Basically, if everyone around the world would just let their mothers dress up like psychotic, prostitutes in psychoreactive fabrics and have sex with the gardener, then the world would be, like, totally healed you know? It’s a fucking insulting, banged together pile of hopelessly confused morals, slack-wittedness and a penchant for aligning DAZZLING, FABULOUS TAN-TAN-TAN-TAN-TANTAAAAN-TAAAAAAAAN GAAAAAAYYY WEDDING!!!! with equality.

About as enjoyable as a frontal lobotomy, and about as effective.

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