Whuh? Why the hell’s a movie site talkin’ about them thar readin’ books? Next they’ll be askin’ us to be a-learnin’ on our own time, an that thars aginst God’s own will boy.
Generally speaking, we’d much rather watch the movie than read it’s literary counterpart, I mean, since when did books have flashing colours, Robocop and the possibility of a Jenny Agutter shower scene? And let’s not forget, movies are done in 2 hours straight, while a book can take aaaaages to plough through, particularly if it’s the latest chapter in the Twilight series and you keep hurling it out of the window halfway through.
While all the above reasons are 100% true by us, there are a few paperbacks out there that haven’t yet received the Peter Jackson overhaul (not a euphamism), so the staff at STS decided to head to the local library and steal a few weighty tomes. Here’s what we came back with – it’s our: Top 5 Books That Should Be Movies!
1: Learn Swedish in Three Months.
put the chicken in the basket
You ever try to make a movie? Yeah, well let me tell you cadet, it takes years! It’s like goin’ to war -something the Swedish are notoriously reluctant to do. Seriously, when was the last time you heard that Stockholm’s finest had become embroiled in a land war in central Asia? Never, because the Swedes are by and large a bunch of placid (if sarcastic) herring lovers who’d rather pump out top-notch murder mysteries and erotic content than fire a cruise missile at Afghanistan. Let me tell you, you can’t make a movie in three months, but this one should be. Not only will it teach you how to climb glaciers and remain relentlessly optimistic even when the sun doesn’t rise for half the year, but it’ll also provide you with useful phrases. From the specific: “ Var är poolen?”, to the romantic: “Sätt choklad på Moose” and of course the all-purpose: “Det skulle vara en ekumenisk fråga “. With Kenneth Branagh in the Directors chair and Peter Skarsgaard in the lead, it’s the multi-lingual love-in with a cold hard edge (and mobile phone-based sub-plot) we’ve all been waiting for!
2: Modern Painters: John Ruskin
He is like piece of iron!
While the 19th Century original took Ruskin some seventeen years to pump out, there’s no reason why this can’t be turned into a 90 minute Dolph Lundgren straight to DVD actioner straight away. Consider the parallels: Ruskin’s book is an elegant criticism beginning as a defence of J.M.W.Turner, transforming into a meditation on the relationship art plays between God and man, while Dolph genrally plays characters with names like Jake Burner, and portrays the role of Grenades in sending men to meet God. Practically writes itself. Recently re-written for a modern audience by David Barrie – also known as First Secretary for the British diplomatic service, meaning it’s a piece of piss to shoe-horn in a Bourne-style MI6 rogue agent angle!
3:Photoshop CS4 in Simple Steps
no worries, we'll fix it in post...
Simplicity -like an educationally challenged man – crossed with cutting edge graphics. Lawnmower Man may have done it 20 years ago, but hey – that was shit. This is photoshop, which means this’ll be one movie that’s industry standard, chock-full of vector graphics, and is prone to freezing up for several hours at a moment’s notice! Of course, you could use the shortcuts to get to the end of the hopelessly contrived plot (Boy must impress girl with his artistic prowess, but becomes increasingly addicted to pimping out his Facebook profile instead) more quickly, but you’ll never bother to learn them will you? Available for home release in a variety of obscure formats that aren’t compatible with any known player!
Clive quickly realised the perils of ordering spaghetti on a first date
Hey, it’s already made several guest appearences in Evil Dead movies, not to mention a bunch of dodgy H.P.Lovecraft flicks, so isn’t it time this particular bound-in-human-skin piece of pure eeeeevil got to headline? According to Lovecraft, just reading an old copy would conjure phantasms more ghastly than the human mind could handle -just imagine a script like that in Uwe Boll’s hands! Normally when you emrege from the cinema the worst you have to contend with is the realisation that you’re covered in popcorn kernels -with the Necronomicon you’d be faced with an entire universe possesed by the many-angled ones! (To be honest, this may not be all that different to a regular Cineworld lobby)
5: Twilight: Eclipse. (CAUTION:SARCASM AHEAD)
Edward felt his heart stir beneath her boss-eyed gaze...
Unfortunately there’s no plot, character development or anything even remotely good about Eclipse, but that didn’t stop anyone making Wild Wild West, so why shouldn’t this be a movie too? To be fair, we doubt it’ll ever be made, it’s pretty tough getting a script through the Hollywood grinder at the best of times -even Indiana Jones 4 took years, and look how that turned out -so it’s hardly likely a fanatically religious, warped tale of peadophillic vampires and homosexual werewolves lovin’ up very boring, one dimensional underage girls (with added mopeds) will ever be seen on our screens, which is a real shame, because if there’s one thing missing this summer, it’s an overlong, piss-poorly acted bore-a-thon starring a clumsy oaf who resembles a transvestite crack whore and the world’s most forgettable leading actress -but hey, stranger things have happened!
