Slashing The Seats

Politics, elections, proportional representation, yadda yadda yadda…

Let’s lighten things up shall we? Let’s talk about a child sex killer who gets burnt to death, and then haunts his former prey, slashing them to bits in their dreams, shall we?

That’s right, Freddy Kruger’s back. Again. The remake/re-boot/’re-imagining’ of A Nightmare On Elm Street is here and there’s not a damned thing you can do about it. Apart from watch it (or ignore it).

Before we start, let’s just imagine that Frederick Krudger were real. Wouldn’t he just be the Daily Mail’s ultimate wet dream? Not only is our man a paedophile, he is also quite possiblly an immigrant paedophile (check out his surname…). The worst kind, eh Daily Mail?!

Slashing The Seats was granted access to the exclusive premiere of the film last night in London’s glitzy West End, walking down the red carpet and mixing with such stars and luminaries as Sir Anthony Hopkins, George Clooney and Dame Helen Mirren.

Well, that isn’t strictly true. It was an advance screening that we couldn’t really be arsed to go to and had to pay £4.75 for a bag of Munchies. We were graced by the presence of ‘That Bloke Over There’, ‘The Man Who Came By Himself And Is Rocking Worringly In His Seat’ and ‘That Girl Over There With The Big Rack’. But don’t tell STS’ friends, because STS’ friends think STS is cool and gets into film premieres and stuff.

Okay, that isn’t strictly true either, STS’ friends think that STS is a sad and lonely film geek who needs to get laid, but anyway – LET’S TALK ABOUT THE FILM, SHALL WE?

Freddy is as Freddy was in Wes Craven’s classic original. He’s still sporting that fetching red and black striped jumper, that dirty ol’ fedora and that handful of knives. New Freddy (Watchmen’s Jackie Earle Haley) can’t help it, but the 2010 version is almost laughably short. I mean, it’s one thing being a nonce (and a foreign nonce at that), but a short nonce?! That’s just unforgivable… But what Rorschach lacks in stature, he more than makes up for in menace. He’s not a guy you’d like to go for a picnic with.*

Just look at the state of this grouting...

This time out the onus is slightly more on Kruger’s child molesting and his crimes and character before he starting interfering in kids’ dreams. That element of Kruger combined with Haley’s talent for creepiness somehow contrives to make him more disturbing as the pre-burns paedophile Fred Kruger than as his nightmarish vision. After all, the image of Freddy is so familiar now, especially after 53 sequels (including Freddy vs Jason- which I was disappointed to find was not 90 minutes of Jason Lee having his face shredded to pieces in his sleep). Couple that with the clichéd Halloween image we all know and it has robbed Freddy of any real terror. I mean, he’s wearing a Dennis the Menace jumper for Chrissakes!

It’s your standard hokey remake stuff, with effective performances from Quentin (played by a young Pete Doherty) and lead girl Nancy (Roona Mara). The inclusion of Katie Cassidy as high school student Kris looks a little out of place (she looks about 34…) and coupled with her dreadful acting, it stilts the first half of the film somewhat. But I’m not sure too many viewers will care too much.

What they will care about is how impressive the death scenes are and they are this: ‘pretty impressive’. Other stand-out scenes include a corridor of blood, Freddy coming through the walls (not like that) and a scene where a class full of students turn to ash.

The original is better, but then you knew that, didn’t you? This is a decent stab (ho ho ho!) at a remake and while it doesn’t unsettle as much as you might hope, it does the job. The 1984 film sparked seven sequels, and they’ve knowingly left room for more here. And why not? Everyone likes seeing teenagers slaughtered by the dream-inhabiting, burnt ghosts of kiddy-fiddlers don’t they? And why?

Because THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT!

*Although saying that, he would be useful for cutting up the pork pie.

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