With Iron Man 2’s hype machine currently going into Scarlet Johannsen booby-shaped overdrive, it’s easy to think that inventors are a bunch of hyper-intelligent, supercool playboys cobbling together amazing doohickeys for the protection and betterment of mankind.
The movies have a long history of science-types saving the planet and coming up with amazing inventions to win the hearts and minds of us, the lowly viewer. Unfortunately, for every Tony Stark there’s a wet fart, with dozens of films full of half-assed ideas hewn from cardboard and clingfilm. Some are rubbish, some are stupid and others are downright dangerous!
Put on your safety goggles and stand behind the lead sheilding then, while we check out the top ten: Crap Movie Inventions!
1: The Cosmic Key – Masters of the Universe
What is it? A ‘universal resonator’ apparently..
What does it do? Allows Skeletor to launch a massive invasion of planet Earth! Unfortunately its an invasion force consisting of him, his girlfriend, three tanks and two gay bikers. Yep, that should see off the marines skeleton face.
Handily, the key also doubles as a parping 80’s synthesiser, allowing a young Courtney Cox the chance to dance her way across the universe to meet the key’s creator Gwildor.
A stinking Troll.
Bet she was hoping for Simon Le Bon.
2: The Proton Pack – Ghostbusters
Oh yes, very useful for seeing of the undead-if you believe in that sort of thing. What they’re also useful for is setting fire to your hotel lobby and threatening to detonate in the middle of New York City.
Hey, somebody call an exterminator? With an unlicensed nuclear accelerator strapped to his back?
Yes yes, it destroys Mr.Stay Puft, but are you seriously suggesting that a flamethrower and a giant glass of milk wouldn’t do the job? Stupid and irresponsible!
3: The Phantom Zone – Superman
Listen, I’ve got these three super-powered, murderous bastards with a pvc fetish yeah? Could you lock ‘em up? Thing is, they’re all strong enough to punch through the hull of a battleship-not sure if the county lock-up will handle it.. No problem! Let’s stick ‘em in..a brittle piece of plastic three feet across. Yeah, that oughta do it huh? Oh, and while I’m at it, I’ll fire them in the direction of a helpless, primitive world that can’t hope to stop them.
Cheers Jor-el, you dick.
4: Transporters-Star Trek
Scientist:
“Well, it doesn’t really work all that well, and it has a tendency to turn people inside out or make them go a bit Seth Brundle..I may have wasted my research grant to be honest…” Starfleet Admiral: “Ah I shouldn’t worry mate, what say we stick them on all our starships anyway, at massive expense to the taxpayer? I reckon someone will have figured out how to get the thing running in the next three or four hundred years right?”
A massive waste of public resources!
5: The Lightsaber-Star Wars
Oh yeah, that looks cool, and hey, it isn’t ‘as random or clumsy as a blaster’ so that’s nice. Available in a choice of colours too is it? Well that’s good then. It would be even more handy if we didn’t live in a world where being bombarded from orbit wasn’t a huge, constant threat. Not much cop against a star destroyer is it?
6:Robocop
So, you’re saying you blown our entire budget on a tincan with half a brain, paranoid schizophrenic tendencies and massive firepower? Nice one Dave. Collect your P-45 on the way out will you?
7: The BlameThrower – Mystery Men
Normally we don’t argue with Tom Waits around here, but as pacifist weapons designer Doc Heller in Ben Stiller’s oft-overlooked ensemble piece even we have to admit he’s bloody useless. Imagine if you can a device purposefully designed to make Janeane Garofalo and Pee-Wee Herman even more annoying! Not a patch on the cyclone-based hand grenade.
8: The Reanimation Formula – Reanimator
Yeah. Brings the dead back to life does it? And they’re obsessed with oral sex and eating people? Yeah sounds good Jeff. Dozens of applications I’m sure. Now why don’t you try on this comfy white coat while I make a quick phone call…
9: Skynet – The Terminator
Got me to thinkin’ sir, hows about we stick an advanced military application in the back of every software program sold since the early 80’s? Well, I was thinkin’ it would mean we’d have an autonomous, amoral machine running..well..everything in the world. With access to our most powerful and dangerous weaponry! Cost? Oh, probably about a trillion…yeah sure, I’ll email you some designs over now…what’s that? Go wrong? Erm…nah, nah it’ll be fine, if it does we can use those new Terminator things on it can’t we?
10: The Time Machine – Back to the Future
A Time Machine!? Wow! What a shame the Doc hasn’t got any fuel for it. And has to steal it from Libyan terrorists. And it’s stolen plutonium. And he hasn’t really wired the bloody thing up properly. And the only time it works properly is when it propels a dog one minute into the future. Bloody genius that is isn’t it?
Bloody rubbish the lot of them, and this is just the tip of the iceberg – Come on STS-ers, we know there’s more, but what are they? let us know!
One Comment
What about that invisible car in that James Bond film? Die Another Day wasn’t it? That in no way said “we are desperate and know we’ve made the worst James Bond film ever”