Slashing The Seats

Hitler! Stalin! Ming The Mercyless! Names that live on in the annals of infamy. There’s no denying it; people love a good villain, and remember them too! So why are so many of them..well… a bit shit? We run through some of cinema’s baddest muthas and discover that they really aren’t all that great! In fact, most filmic menaces are a bunch of yakkety idiots with nothing better to do – it’s The Worst Villains In Cinema!

1: The Terminator

It’s from the future, it’s been built to kill you.And it absolutely will not stop, until you are dead. Except it does. The shiftless layabout.
The problem with sending a machine to secure the victory of machines is that it couldn’t give a rat’s ass. Instead the big ol’ T-101 spends most of the movie alternating between cruising The Strip’s alternative nightlife -makes sense for a leather-clad Austrian I guess- and booking itself into seedy hotels. Would you let a room to a one eyed death machine? You would? Classy establishment you’re running there pal.

2: The Kurgan – Highlander

Long before it descended into pony-tailed Afro-Cuban stupidity, Highlander was pretty good. If you ignored the accents. And the villain. Sure big Vik looked the part, stalking about with a misshapen head and a cloak made from pig parts, and he talked a good fight-hi, I’m candy. Of course you are- but that’s about it. He spends pretty much the entire running time driving about with a queen 8-track glued to the stereo. Even when he does meet the Belgian Scotsman Macloud, he hangs out, gibbering like a loon and vaguely annoying nuns by putting his feet on the furniture.
Eventually Lambert’s squinty face annoys him enough for a fight…and he’s shit. Waving a bloody great cleaver about at 2 miles an hour-hardly Darth Maul is he? Speaking of which…

3: Darth Vader

Hi, I’m Darth Vader, an evildoer with an entire star fleet at my back and call. I’m also your dad. And despite my troops knowing where you were, it still took me two whole movies to mention it. Commitment issues? Or just a bureaucratic bigwig who couldn’t organise a nun shoot in a church? Basically he’s taken a leaf out of the ‘let’s sit in a big chair and hope it all goes alright’ management style of his boss.
Bloody useless, and never polishes his helmet to boot.

4: Nero – Star Trek 2009

Ok, so he’s been in the new Trek universe for…oh, about 25 years right? Hanging about on the edge of space in a massive super-advanced spaceship that could kick the entire Federation’s collective ass. And he knows where both Vulcan and Earth are. So what does he do? He stays there.
“oh…I’m…erm…waiting for Spock…” he mumbles. Waiting for Godot more like. And when he finally does turn up he hasn’t even the wit or grace to come up with a properly scary opening line, instead going with: “Hello Jim”. Hardly Hamlet is it?
Let’s face it, he’s shit.

5: The Humugous – Mad Max II: The Road Warrior

Well, he looks intimidating enough, with his weird lumpy head and overpumped bodybuilder physique. But what does he actually do? Bugger all that’s what. He sits in his shiny penis extension dragster, shouting about horror and petrol and shaking his fists, and then lets the perverted idiots following him around do all the hard work. Surely ‘can steer a car a bit’ isn’t really a qualification for leadership is it? Utterly useless, and unattractive with it!

6: The Velociraptors –Jurassic Park

Well, they’re mean and green which is a good start, and with those claws and pointy teeth you’d think they’d be classic villain material. Except…why the hell are they bothering? Apparently they’re super-smart pack hunters, hell bent on gobbling up Laura Dern et al, and we sympathise. But why, on an island full of pig-thick lumbering meat factories, would they choose to relentlessly pursue the only prey with a PHD and opposable thumbs? There’s no point, meaning theses guys rank as vicious little twerps –the giant monster version of a pack of Chavs.

These are the worst offenders, but we know there’s a ton more out there – do you think Sean Pertwee from the atrocious Equilibrium should have qualified? Maybe you find the Joker about as menacing as a small kitten in a knitted purple suit? Let us know!

Tweet This!