Slashing The Seats

3D movies are all the rage right now, mainly because they’re a hell of a lot more difficult to pirate than regular ones. Yep, Hollywood’s money men are running scared, convinced that the death of cinema is upon us. It isn’t of course – where else can you get nachos covered in what can only be described as electric cheese, costing £32 and served to you by a fat, spotty urchin with his finger in his ear? Culinary delights aside however, there is something to be said for staying at home – the main one being you don’t have to put up with the following group of bottom feeders. Yep, we hate them too – it’s the top dickheads you meet at the movies!

Giant Man and Medusa.

Clash of the Titans première aside, there is absolutely no need for these f**kers to be in a cinema ever – in fact given their brobdingnagian proportions it’s amazing thy even fit in the building in the first place. Giant man is obnoxiously tall -at least 6′11”. He has a huge wide mouth and a huge wobbly belly. All through the movie he will scarf down popcorn, shooting it out all over the place while timing his massive, continental movements to maximise getting in your way. Accompanying him is his wife, the terrifying Medusa. Only Marge Simpson knows how she gets hair that high – topping out Giant Man even though she’s only 5′3” herself. Her massive, hulking haystack hair resembling a gamma-irradiated Farah Fawcett on a rampage of get-in-the-way-lyness. Stay at home you awkward bitch!

Captain Pisspants and The Urinator.

One hero, one villain – both complete bastards. Sure, we all buy a bucket of sticky orange substance that purports to be a beverage and guzzle it before the main feature even starts – its the law. But most of us don’t see the need to fly around the cinema every five minutes for three hours. The hero tries not to bug you, sliding slowly along the row in front or behind and whispering “’scuse me, thanks..’scuse me…thanks” in an insipid sotto voice that carries the length of the auditorium. The Villain? He decides its his weak-bladdered right to march up and down the aisle every thirty seconds -or if he’s a lady go to the toilet in groups – Captain or Ms.Pisspants can’t sit still for ten minutes, let alone the whole of Return of the King. Cineworld take note: Only compulsive, intrusive bladder-measuring apparatus at the door of every multiplex can stop them and we demand it now!

The Literati.

Why bother watching a film when you can read a nice book instead? Of course, if you really like the book, and it’s a bit shit, then chances are 80 Million other people will read it too -meaning you can all go and see the film adaptation together! And then you can sit all the way through it muttering “he doesn’t look right” or ” they cut out the bit where Snape and Edward turn out to be lovers”. In fact, you can moan that they haven’t crammed every single bit of purple prose from a 3000 page monolith into 3 hours of film. And the end was wrong. And it was too long. It’s like a book discussion group, except you get to discuss the book with people who couldn’t FUCKING CARE LESS THAT YOU’VE READ A CHILDREN’S BOOK.

You don’t have to have an annoyingly loud laugh to be here..but it helps!

Hey-have you never heard a single joke in your life? Why not come and sit next to me during a movie you moron! I bet you’d love anything by the Wayans Brothers, oh, that Rob Schneider, he’s amazing – that’s where you belong. But no, no Adam Sandler for you eh? You’d rather sit next to me and giggle at Dr.Manhatten’s cock wouldn’t you? You tit.

LOUD NOISES!!!

Mmmm, extra-large fizzy drink..sure is good isn’t it? It’s just a shame it’s hard to get the last of it..better use a straw..a straw that makes a FLLLLLRLRRPPRPRPRPRPRPRPRPRP noise when ever you plant your blubbery lips around it. Why not set that drink off with some crisps or nachos? Although people were looking at you when you made that slurping noise..best chew them…really….really slowly. The fact that you’re doing it with your mouth wide open won’t matter will it? What’s that? The drink was too cold and now you’ve got a cough/runny nose? No worries, just cough all the way through and blow your nose 56 times. As loudly as possible. And don’t worry about the calories, just jiggle up and down in your seat until you’ve burnt off that energy. You annoying f**ker.

It’s for you-hooooo!

Please turn off your phone during the performance. Hey, it’s only been blared at you from a 40-foot wide device specifically designed to impart information in the most intrusive way possible – no wonder you missed it. And hey-while it’s on, you might as well have a really fucking loud Bollywood remix as a ringtone right? And why not get Steph, Trace, Mandy, Jooles and peaches to give you a buzz so you can say “Yeah yeah I’m in film..I dunno..the images of doctor pomegranite or something..yeah yeah I’m well getting’ the evils now…” Occasionally It’s for you-hoooo will get the message and not answer. Instead she’ll sit next to you making clickyclickyclicky noises because, like Trish jst dmped Baz like wos well out of order innit. Fortunately she can be easily silenced. By chopping off her hands.

The Spod Couple.

Nowt wrong with taking the other half to see a movie -chick flicks are popular, you can hold hands and share popcorn while Matthew McConoughey oozes across the screen and content yourself with the thought that you might get some later on. Or you can be one half of The Couple. These professional asswipes will usually be just behind you. “Hey, I can’t see them – what’s the problem?” I hear you ask. Well, how about the variety of sucking, licking, sighing and slurping noises coming from behind you for two hours while these two rutting simpletons try their level best to congeal into a single amorphous annoyance, doing so loudly enough to drown out Arnie blowing up a fuel depot on screen. Call the manager and have them ejected immediately, lest they mate and menace future generations of cinema goers with their horny, gormless offspring

I’m Sorry, I missed that.

In recent years, cinema sound systems have been proven to produce more decibels than a Saturn V rocket launch. Despite this, it’s still possible to miss the odd line -luckily cinema’s see fit to employ this useful village idiot to sit through an entire movie and repeat every single line a split second after the characters on screen. Not content with mere dialogue, he’ll also slip in scene descriptions, and even helpfully read out subtitles – he’s your very own slightly-out-of-time podcast. How very thoughtful of him. I’m Sorry I missed that is also available at Star Wars screenings in a special ‘psychic’ version -who will speak the lines a split second before they appear on screen, which really helps the dramatic tension. Show him how much you appreciate his efforts -choke him to death with a cheap cinema hotdog.

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