Slashing The Seats

In terms of what you’d want to see at your local cinema, most of the movies coming in 2010 rank just below “dropping your Oscar Meyer hot Dog on the floor”.

Well, worry not faithful cineaste, for now we come to some slabs of celluloid you might actually want to see…and discover the law of diminishing returns is still very much in effect.

Wipe the popcorn from your beard and join us then, as we realise we’ve got piss-all to look forward to this summer, in part three of our amazingly awful 2010 movie round-up!!

11: Alice in Wonderland.

Sigh. Go on then. Put on your stripy knee socks, home-dye your hair blue. Have a blast. I once met Helena Bonham-Carter you know, and she looks exactly like this in real life!

Expect Jonny Depp to trade on the fact that he’s finally at that age where men start looking like your slightly creepy maternal aunt -and wonder if he can expect a promising career awaits in the inevitable musical version of ‘Pushing Daisies’ : Altogether now
“ A pie? A pie! A magiiiicalll pie of the undeeeeeaaaadddddd…” Practically writes itself.

Anyhoo, one for your inner goth this one, cover yourself in soot and enjoy.

12: Cop Out

So, it was called ‘A Couple of Dicks’ , but then Hollywood hearthrob and all -round (in every sense of the word) ice cream fan Kevin Smith wussed right out on us and changed it. This from a man who built a career based on dick n’ fart jokes. Backed up by Bruce Willis. Sigh.

Expect Willis to smirk and wisecrack, and make an uncommonly high number of Aquaman references as he and My name is Earl chase down a baseball card or something equally stupid.

13:The Book Of Eli

Oh Denzel. For every Oscar-tempter there’s a load of old quasi-mystical gobledegook isn’t there? We can only assume that the American Gangster star has made some unholy Mephistolean bargain that forces him to pop up in crap like Fallen every other year.

Anyway, this is something to do with a magic book and Gary Oldman. After the Apocalypse. Because that was cool three years ago.

14: Paul

Part the third of Pegg and Frost’s Cornetto trilogy. Plot? Well, obviously jumping over a fence will play a pivotal role, but in an effort to find out more the professional researchers in our office checked out little-known website Wikipedia, which had the following to say:

Two British comic book geeks (Pegg and Frost) go on a road trip through America. On the way, they discover an alien named Paul (voiced by Seth Rogen) at Area 51.

Sounds good doesn’t it? If you’re a complete dick machine. Or worse, read student magazines and laugh at them. Proof positive that pegg should be shot from a photon torpedo tube at the earliest opportunity.

15: Iron Man II

Like the first film but with extra Martinis and Mickey Rourke doing that thing he does instead of acting. I once met Fenriz from legendary black Metal band Darkthrone in a bar, and he told me that Mickey Rourke was cooler than Bruce Willis.

Basically what I’m saying is that if you like Mickey Rourke or think he’s good, then you are gay for Black Metal bands. Anyway, in this he plays a lesbian super criminal (honestly – look, here she is fighting Spider-Man) Whiplash.

It’ll probably be quite good, but not as good as Thor. Possibly.

16:Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Not to be confused with Cameron’s tale of the owl and the 3D alien pussycat from 2009 –although we’re hoping that confusion will guide a few more hapless fools this way – this airbender is the wiggly, wandery based-on-a-weird-Chinese-cartoon story of a small, bald dude and some other kids messing about in a badly thought out mystical world with added M.Night Shitealogue.

Oh-and there’s a huge bison in it too.

Anyway, basically it follows our heroes as they wander hither and thither upon the Earth –which may or may not be our future, hoping some bald midget can be a bigger bender (yes, really) than the current eeeevil overlord.

Almost as bad as The Happening.

17: Season of the Witch

Will it be scary? It’ll certainly be hairy. As Nic Cage continues to display his all-action wig fetish in some cobblers about a night -with a southern accent naturally – transporting an accused witch. A sexy accused witch.

Named after a Donovan song, which leads us to wonder how long before someone films a slasher called Hurdy Gurdy Man.

18:Bitch Slap.

A She-Woman-Girl-Power-vagina-monologue-meets-boob-job-action-comedy pile of shit. Look at those boobies and tell me this really furthers the feminist cause. Anyway, Xena’s in it, so you can admire how big and muscley and just all-round butch she is without having to come all the way out.

Enjoy!

19: Leap Year.

Right, if Amy Adams wanted to marry you, would you refuse?

No, neither would I, but apparently it’s an Irish tradition (it isn’t) that women can propose to dudes on Feb 29th, and if I was an Irish-loving Hollywood Junior exec who was one-thriteenth-Irish-but-not-the-real-kind-the-American-kind, then I’d probably make this movie as well.

Take the ‘My Great-Grand-Uncle once bought a bike from an Irish man which makes me Irish’ idiot in your life and to quote the trailer: “Get ready to lose your mind…”

20: Wolf Man

Vampires? Soooooo last year man. Wolves are ‘Were’ it’s at. Did you see what I did there?!?! I’m wasted on you I really am.

Anyway,Benicio Del Toro somehow manages to be even hairier than he was in The Way of the Gun, while ruthless marketers try to make us forget just how boring the original was.

Well, 2010 looks bloody terrible doesn’t it? Full of crap monsters and awful toupee’s for the most part -to be fair, there are some actually look quite good movies coming up -  the ’suckered you in’ Kick Ass, Hot Tub Time Machine, Youth In Revolt and even ridiculous angel revenge flick Legion has it’s moments – but why should we bring a ray of sunshine into your otherwise miserable lives by mentioning them? We’re not a public service you know. Just be thankful we didn’t mention Wanted 2 (an evil loom, I mean really…) and stay in bed until the Conan reboot arrives.

Happy New year!

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