With Star Trek currently warping up the DVD/Blu-ray charts as Kirk and Co. make a triumphant return to the big screen with the promise of even better to come, here at STS we thought we’d spare a thought for that other massive space franchise that’s been sadly humbled of late, victim of shoddy prequels and dodgy Saturday morning cartoon shows- Star Wars is not the all-conquering merchandise Death Star it once was.
Despite these varying fortunes however, around the STS office ..Empire is still on a constant loop, the first three films unarguably some of the best movies ever made.
So – who’s the best? It’s a toughie, which is why we’ve rated both sides according to strict criteria and let these twin titans of star-spanning adventure battle it out for the prize in: Star Wars Vs Star Trek!
Round 1:Fashion!
While Trek favours snug polyester tops and flared trousers, looking like a nightmare version of the Playboy mansion where bowl-cut ‘dos and girdles are all the rage, over in Star Wars it’s experimental haircuts modelled on bagels, full-face carpet coats and – for the discerning villain – fetish medical wear. Han’s waistcoat/skinny Jean military look wouldn’t look out of place on Shoreditch high street.
Consider-given the choice would you rather wear a red jumper that might as well have a target painted on it, or a bandoleer…and nothing else? Even fashion icon David Bowie agrees, putting on his best R2D2 impression for hit ‘Fashion’: “Dance with me, don’t dance with me, no -beep beep, beep beep.”
Winner: Star Wars.
Round 2: Gettin’ Jiggy!
Over the years Star trek has spawned more than a few hotties, while Starfleet remains the only major scientific institution to outfit it’s female recruits in mini-skirts and silver beauty pageant sashes. Unfortunately by The Next Generation things had gone sadly downhill, Klingon women with bad teeth were the order of the day, and when Tasha Yar decided to strip off the unflattering jumpsuit for Hef, she was promptly eaten by a Tar Monster!
Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away, any girl is fair game - even your own sister! Metal bikinis and loincloths rule in hyperspace, and while the federation is a humanoids-only club, it’s perfectly acceptable for Star Warsians to get down with tentacled women, hairy midgets, and even the odd crustacean. For sheer, uninhibited kinkiness it’s hard to beat Jabba the Hutt.
Winner: Star Wars.
Round 3: Shouting!
Well, what would you rather hear?
“Threepio where can he beeeeeee?”
or:
“Khaaaaaaaannnnnn!!!!!!!”
Winner: Star Trek.
Round 4: Dangerous Sports!
Despite having interstellar travel, the Star Wars universe is curiously short on deep space sports, preferring to stick close to the ground with an overly-repetitive Grand Prix analogue in cars so weedy they can only be driven by children and tiny alien jockeys.
Meanwhile in Star Trek, free climbing the Yukon is considered a relaxing day off, while ‘Space Jumping’ with a lunatic Australian is an assignment it’s perfectly acceptable to give to raw cadets.
Bullseyeing Womp rats from you T-16 may come in handy later, but it’s no substitute for leaping down an elevator shaft in a pair of rocket boots.
Winner: Star Trek.
Round 5: Hardness!
The final, most dangerous category, as both franchise eye each other up from the ropes before whipping out their most deadly combat styles for your consideration. People often forget the sheer amount of rucks that go down in Trek, what with the captain nicking star-warlords girlfriends every other episode, and even Wesley Crusher once managed to create an intergalactic incident by..erm..crushing someone’s vegetable patch…so it’s no surprise that the Trek universe has some pretty awesome fighting styles at it’s disposal. If it isn’t Vulcans pinching your neck it’s Klingons waving bloody great knives about, although all these fall to the sheer double axe-handling. Side-kicking might of Kirk-Fu, a mysterious fighting style ideal for the older gentleman.
And let’s face it, if you were being chased by a huge lizard, you’d throw a big rock at it’s head as well. Add to this charged photon torpedoes and a predilection for sucking planets into artificial black holes and star Trek starts to look like a pretty hardcore place to hang out.
On the other side meanwhile..well, we’ve already mentioned that Vulcan neck pinch thing right? The Star Wars version? Crushing your windpipe via a TV. Fuck yeah, that’s hard! Klingon Batleth? Against a Lightsaber -you’re kidding right? Arena Kirk-on-Gorn combat? Fair enough, but it’s hardly Jedi vs Giant Sabre-Tooth Tiger, culminating in Jango Fett’s head being chopped off is it? Combine this with a laser that blows up planets and a martial arts style that actually includes magic and you can’t go wrong!
Winner: Star Wars.
Overall winner: Star Wars!
Proof positive that despite it’s ailing fortunes, it’s still more than a match for Starfleet when it comes to kicking ass and looking good while you do it. May the force be with you baby.
Disagree? Do the Borg beat LoBot in your book? Could The Dominion kick Imperial ass? Let us know!
2 Comments
Awesome article!
Incidentally Anakin in the (otherwise shoddy) SW cartoons is pretty kickass. He’s friendly but with a bit of a mean streak. Actually, he’s just Han. Which is both lazy and awesome.
Resistance is –arrgghhh shitjesus they’ve got lightsabers
* uses coat as cloak and runs around making laser noises*