Slashing The Seats

OK, so science fiction films often have remarkably poor foresight when it comes to setting the date of their story. “No-one will be watching this in fifteen years!” they confidently cry. “We’ll all have burned in a nuclear fire by then, surely!” The most prominent example being 2001: A Space Oddysey and the best example of dodging the issue being the Star Wars saga, which is set in the past. Somehow.

In any case, despite scriptwriters’ determination to give their own work a limited shelf-life there is light at the end of the tunnel. Here follows, then, a list of things that society still has time to invent, implement and generally make happen.

1. Sick sticks – Minority Report – set in 2054

Now, 2054 is still a good way off, meaning there’s more than enough time to invent a stick that when you poke someone with it they vomit uncontrollably. This should go second on the science priority list under curing cancer. I have no idea how this stick would possibly work, but that’s for the boffins to figure out. I’m the ideas man. Well, i’m the man who reminds you of other people’s ideas anyway.

2. Self-drying clothes – Back to the Future part II – set in 2015

Ah, how blissfully distant 2015 must have seemed in 1989. (when part 2 was released, not set. duh) But now the future is catching up with us remarkably quickly. We’ve already mastered and far surpassed that Jaws 3D thing that Marty gets so frightened of, and I think it’s safe to assume that hoverboards, cars powered on rubbish, self-tying laces and tiny pizzas that expand in the oven aren’t going to be made in time. That really just leaves self-drying clothes, by far the most useful and practical future-object seen in the movie. And guess what – we have them! Ahead of schedule too! Nice one.

3. Cryogenic freezing.

Now obviously a good deal of movies feature cryogenic freezing, and there seems to be no consensus on exactly how futuristic the procedure is. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if you could get it done tomorrow in some medical practise in Belgium. But this doesn’t change the fact that it’s not widespread yet, which sucks because I for one am eager to cheat death. The best known cryogenic freezing occurs in Alien, which is set in 2122, so scientists have some leeway on getting that organised.

4. Robot apocalypse – Terminator series

Now this is just flagrant cheating. In Terminator 2 it’s mentioned that Judgement Day – the day that Skynet becomes self-aware and begins a nuclear attack on the USA – is in 1997, which means that we should all have been carbonised by now. However in Terminator 3, released in 2003, the date is set back to 2004. Then, in the Sarah Connor chronicles it’s set back again to 2011. Now, clearly Skynet have trouble meeting their quarterly targets, and their internal organisation is in need of a serious restructuring. The other possibility is that scriptwriters couldn’t bear to ask their audiences to enjoy a film or TV series that is set in a world even slightly different to our own. (because what iPod-lovin’, trainer-wearin’ money-loaded hipster is going to relate to that?)

In any case postponing Judgement Day until 2011 gives us a little time to prepare. Take funding away from the Olympics and put it into grimy underground tunnel-networks and old 2-way radios. Oh, and lots of corrugated iron sheets.

For God’s sake, don’t forget the corrugated iron sheets!!

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