Slashing The Seats

Complete Disaster!

Ah Roland Emmerich, where would we be without you? Along with  Michael Bay, Emmerich is almost totally responsible for sucking anything even resembling plots out of Summer Tentpole movies over the last few years. In the case of transformers, at least Bay had an excuse-he wants to flog you toys – so it’s hard to work out why grumble like this ever gets greenlit. One can only assume that Hollywood junior execs are now so young they’ve never seen Ghostbusters, and actually think this is a real movie.

Eschewing the more traditional route of plot points building drama around interesting characters, Emmerich has instead decided to utilise the most powerful computers in the world to help him dumb down Independence Day, creating a non-stop senses-hammering disasterpiece that goes so over the top it actually becomes quite loveable.

Basing itself on quasi-science straight from ‘Weird Tales’ the film begins by dumping California into the ocean (the actually real threat of nearby Yellowstone exploding is mentioned briefly and then forgotten – presumably because the movie makers don’t want to start a panic…), fault lines bursting and huge explosions quickly becoming the order of the day. Obviously the US is the focus of these events, although there’s a couple of obligatory ethnic villagers shown scuffing about in Assbackistan and the now-vital Sky News lending credence to things. Remember, if it’s said in an English accent; It’s the TRUTH!

Of course, the world’s high and mighty aren’t going to sit back and let this happen, and have their own plans in place to escape, the rat-bastards. Lucky for the rest of us poor schmoes  Chiwetel Ejiofor’s on hand to convince President Danny Glover (definitely getting too old for this shit) not to quit on us. Meanwhile John Cusack does his very best to remain likeable as he drags his kids into more and more danger on the flimsiest of pretexts, resulting in a chance to leap out of a ‘plane in a Bentley (weighing upwards of 3 metric tons fact-fans) onto ice, help the government rescue some cute Giraffes and give his obviously strained marriage to a skeletal Amanda Peet a quick fix.

The rest of the cast? Well, think about Independence Day. Then think Stargate, The Day After Tomorrow, 10,000 BC..in fact, go to IMDB right now and check out Emmerich’s entire career: Do the regretful grandparent, the evil scientist who has a change of heart, the ditzy girl (with obligatory chihuahua in handbag), evil rich guy or Ultimate Sacrifice Dad ring any bells?

They should, because they’re in all those movies, and yep, they’re in this one too. Clearly giving up even the pretence of originality, Roland then has these cardboard standees variously cling to cliffs, pilot light planes heroically through explosions, and even at one point, set a timer incorrectly so it races towards early detonation. It’s like watching 100 best disaster movie moments, right up to the nauseatingly happy ending – I guess no one really cared about those 6 Billion dead right? – and it goes on and on, reaching levels so stupid they become amazing, as you constantly try to dredge your summer film memory to guess what happens next.

What actually happens next is that Woody Harrelson continues his glorious career revival as a conspiracy theorist/survivalist with awesome Marty Feldman eyes and enough ham to feed an Elephant being transported by Chinook Helicopter (yes, those are in here too…), almost completing a one-man mission to push this into full blown Airplane! Territory in the process, he’s far and away the high point of the movie.
So awful it’s fucking genius, we’re already looking forward to a sequel (we’re opting for ‘2013′ with Will Smith in the lead role), there are too many flaws to mention, but the only one that really needs fixing is Emmerich constant attempts to pull our sentimental heart-strings. Come on Roland, we’re willing to buy into a lot, but we’re not stupid.

Beautifully, irredeemably awful- and all the better for it.

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