Slashing The Seats

Let’s face it, if characters from movies were real, you’d hate them. Imagine if your neighbour was a chiselled man-mountain who regularly slept with supermodels in between blowing things up with his flying, time-travelling tank.

Us regular guys just couldn’t compete.

Fortunately Hollywood knows this, and balances things out by rampantly increasing the odds that he’ll be horribly killed at any moment – and none more so than when he’s getting’ some! Sure the sex you have may be dry and perfunctory, but at least it won’t end in death by robot. Want proof? So do we- it’s death by sexy as we take a look at cinema’s deadliest sex scenes!

Jason X

Running seriously out of ideas, the FTT producers well and truly jumped the shark when they sent the hockey-masked marauder into Spaaaaaaaace for instalment 10, with amazingly good results!

In among the saucy androids in leather pants, there’s just time to squeeze in some good old fashioned teens with loose morals! “We love premarital sex!” Squeals one photonic cutie-just before being stoved against a tree by the big man.

What a way to go!

Titanic

The ultimate expression of the cinematic virgin rule!

If Jack could have just kept his hands out of Kate’s whimsical underwear, hundreds would have lived! Hell, if young Rose was really that up for a bit of rough before marrying the decidedly unsexy Cal surely she could have got it down at the docks before they left?

Nope, she had to shake her thang on the ballroom floor, sealing the doom of every man woman and child aboard with every hip-shake, the callous cow! Proof positive that the ocean is a very jealous lady who doesn’t take kindly to people poking on her turf, and is fully willing to instigate Oscar winning effects to prove it.

Flash Gordon

When a pair of leather hotpants is considered acceptable wear for a state funeral, you know you’re in for a pretty sexy time! Of course, Flash himself isn’t really the star of this 80s exercise in ultra camp, so his wiggling, gas chamber death only comes second here.

Sexiest death? Well, that honour goes to the completely bat-shit crazy Max Von Sydow as Ming. If submission is your thing then there’s no finer example than Mrs Mercyless’ most over-achieving son being well and truly rogered to buggery by the imperial flagship – hell, it even has Freddy Mercury shouting in the background!

Phallic substitution on a cosmic scale!

Teeth

I Spit On Your Grave may have used the classic “Todger-Off” manouver first, and spawned a host of grisly imitators, but after a brief struggle to escape distribution hell Teeth revealed itself as the Citizen Kane of castration flicks! (It’s a compliment -honestly!)

Hale Appleman looks like one lucky dude when he takes super sexy Jess Weixler to bed, but unfortunately he’s oblivious to her dark secret: A pair of comedy chattering teeth buried in her lady-garden.

Tapping into every man’s deepest psychosis, this is quite literally a teeth-grinding nightmare of a death scene!

11:14

A deservedly straight to bargain bin movie with the added value of a topless fresh-from-Josie and the Pussycats Rachael Leigh Cook, it’s 99 pence well spent!

Unfortunately the poor dude taking advantage of young Rach never gets past the vinegar strokes – instead receiving a huge tombstone to the noggin halfway through: Garuanteed to squish any libido!

Of course, Ms.Cook does exactly what we always knew she would, and carries on to the bitter end. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “getting head”.

Goldeneye

Famke Janssen offs more than her fair share of guys as Bond baddie/babe Xenia Onatopp, but it’s during her sauna scene with a horny Canadian admiral that she really earns her name.

Engaging in some excellently angry banging, most people would only have to worry about slipping on the tiles, but unfortunately for the over-sexed officer there are two far more deadly items in this bathhouse; Famke’s thighs.

Displaying the kind of muscle tone previously only seen on prize livestock, her wraparound technique makes sure the guy goes down – and stays there.

Species

While Spider-man opted for punching him the face, Alfred Molina enjoys a far more saucy defeat in this Ben Kingsly starring codswallop from the early 90s.

Here he’s a bizarrely accented scientist hot – in every sense of the word- on the trail of a spawning alien lizard thing; even though he’s fully aware she’s fond of killing her mates.

Of course, there’s always the theory that he took a look at the future career of his Ex-Ghandi boss – in tripe like Bloodrayne -and took the opportunity to cop off with a naked Natasha Hendstridge while it was going.

and of course…this entire movie:

There you have it, from crashing ships to horny zombies, these are movies that work way better than a cold shower! Anyone would think the marleting men had realised that Sex and Death sell, to the point where we can’t possibly keep track – let us know which ones we missed!

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