Slashing The Seats

In a frankly shocking display of prejudice, Hollywood has traditionally shunned the dead. Oh sure, there’s plenty of zombie movies out there, but when is the last time you saw a dead guy get the girl-and not eat her brains? STS sets out to redress the balance by bring you Six of The Best: Movie Dead Guys!

Sloth- Se7en

You know its coming. They break into the apartment; they wander around, lifting the plastic sheeting slowly and lurching backwards. If you’ve been to film school in the past 10 years you probably wrote an essay on the use of the Pavlovian response. He’s tied to the bed, looking like Skeletor’s S&M fancying cousin, and he’s dead as a doornail. Lean in closer detective, he smells a bit but there’s nowt to fear here. Until of course…That Ain’t No Corpse Grandma! The only dead body on the list to have forgone that whole pesky dying thing, Sloth gets our vote for possibly the finest ‘Cat-In-Closet’ shock in movie history. Possibly because the regular furry kitty has been replaced by a weeping, insane rictus that’s eaten its own tongue.

Bernie Lomax –Weekend at Bernies

Think of the truly great cinematic actors. Olivier, Brando, DiNiro. Presences that fill the screen with their intensity, burning emotion and conviction into the hearts and minds of the audience. Now ask yourself, honestly. Could any one of those screen heroes have played dead as well as TV regular Terry Kiser? Could you keep a straight face while a horny dog drags you off a balcony by your balls? Or while required to Conga with a paraletically drunk starlet in a bikini? No way, Dustin Hoffman has nothing compared to this guy, which is why he is and ever shall be cinemas greatest dancing corpse!

Bubba Ho-Tep

Yeah Yeah Yeah, there’ve been other mummies. Their was Nephren-Ka in Universal’s The Mummy, there was that bald dude in..er..The Mummy…but none of them was bad enough to wear a ten gallon hat and beat up a Karate-ing Elvis. Ho-Tep sucks the life outta oldies and lightbulbs alike with his mere presence, so it’s ironic that he’s finally despatched by a couple of septegenarians with back – and brain – problems. This ignoble demise doesn’t stop him dressing to kill in the smartest pair of western boots ever to walk outta Memphis.

Evil Ash - Army of Darkness

Despite looking like boil in the bag Spaghetti Bolognese, Evil Ash takes having his arms and legs chopped off in his stride, giving us one of cinemas greatest rising from the grave sequences. He commands a huge army of skeletons despite behaving like the fourth Stooge most of the time, and is the only action figure ever to arrive with Kung-Fu grip AND ‘Detachable Jaw’. Altogether now:” I…Live….AGAAAAAIINNNN!!!!!”

Dracula

Easily the best dressed cadaver in the house, Drac is the only necrotic body you’d ever feel comfortable taking to an opera. Capable of turning into a wolf, he’s his own best friend, which may explain why he’s happy enough sitting alone in his study when he has three nymphomaniac vampire women waiting in the bedroom. Even managing to be cool when George Hamilton is playing him, Drac is the thinking ladie’s corpse.

Death – Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey

Not content with his more traditional role as king of the dead, Death enjoys taking time out to win the Indy 500 on foot and release terrible bass solo albums. His Bergman-esque style extends to a head as smooth as his ‘Reaping burn a lot of calories’ sculpted behind, and he’s good with both a sickle and a shopping cart. The first dead dude brave enough to attempt transvestism in front of God Almighty, Death is the epitome of both poor sportsmanship and Rot N’ Roll. The only ex-person you’d want to go to a party with.

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