Slashing The Seats

In a year where Transformers 2 has somehow had one of the highest grossing opening weekends ever, the signs are clear that we are headed for an apocalyptic film meltdown, finally culminating in an Idiocracy-style future where plot and dialogue are sacrificed entirely in favour of fart jokes and explosions.

Obviously, here at STS we can’t wait! Can you honestly say that anything by Kurosawa wouldn’t become immeasurably better if a few bazookas were added? Would it really have hurt Orson Wells to include a few raspberry noises in Citizen Kane?

Well, why wait for Woody Allen to start filming at sunset and have his beloved NY destroyed on a regular basis when there are plenty of great movies that do this already? Cinema has a long and illustrious history of putting people, nations and even the whole universe in jeopardy and – best of all – we don’t always survive! Some of these make you think. Some make you hide behind your seat. And others are just full-on, hi-ex fun.

Welcome then, to the last picture show, as we explore:

The Best of Apocalypse Cinema!

1: Akira

Akira and anime in general have become so popular over the past decade that it’s easy to forget the impact this had on its release. The animation still stands up well and, while the intricate 2,000 page Manga may be an impossible adaptation, the film works fantastically well as a stand-alone feature. Characters that you care about, philosophy and deep meditations on the nature of spirituality and the future of man never get in the way of some good, old-fashioned violence. The technology involved is almost believable – lasers needing huge powerpacks and even psionic interfaces look workable. The visceral thrills on offer take Japan’s bōsōzoku bike culture to their logical extreme, lightning tribes even  look cool while dressed as clowns, piloting what is essentially a 400bhp recliner, and the premise itself reflects the duality of Japan’s relationship with nuclear power. Leo DiCaprio’s Manhattan set remake is dead in the water and it’s just as well when the original is still this amazing. Well worth shelling out for the Blu-Ray and playing on the biggest screen you can find.

2: A Boy and His Dog

When most people think of Don Johnson, images of white suit fashion crimes (and possibly Nash Bridges) jump to mind. What tends to be forgotten is his previous career killing women and feeding them to his telepathic dog. This is old school futurism, the apocalypse looking suspiciously like Nevada. But it’s also thinking-SF, with nary a laser beam in sight. Instead, it’s a long meditation on male relationships, as Vic (Johnson) roams the wastelands, talking to his dog and scavenging food. When a woman becomes available, the plot takes a sinister twist as Vic decides that maybe it’s a case of bros before hos, and forgoes sex in favour of turning the unfortunate lady into Pedigree Chum. Weird, cheap, and incendiary for feminist film criticism, it still manages to be surprisingly sexy and very cool.

3: Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior

The First Mad Max was a gnarly little action flick that looked like a movie of the week gone horribly wrong and it’s future seemed only too close to ours – social and legal boundaries blurring and dissolving and giving rise to a new breed of criminal. By the time it came to roll cameras for the sequel however, Director George Miller was better funded, laser focused and had a young Mel Gibson at the peak of his powers – it’s worth remembering that Gibson was the Lethal Weapon in the original movie, filmed just a few months after this. This pretty much set up the post apocalyptic future as we know it: deserts, cannibal mutants and heroes with prosthetics in greasy leathers. The action is slick and fast, and all filmed for real so that it still looks amazing even now – and then there are the cars. There isn’t a (last) man on Earth who doesn’t dream of the nitro-powered, engine-block-through-the-hood coolness of Max’s super-tooled Interceptor.

4: At least 8 of the Star Trek movies

Star Trek has a rep as a light, fun franchise. Lots of daft old duffers noodling about in outer space, and facing off with nefarious, moustachioed Klingons. And this is true – to a point. It’s also true that nearly every movie sees the crew deal with a cosmic-level threat that would put Galactus to shame, whether it’s rips in time, planet-reshaping technology, or… erm… sperm whales… it’s a tribute to human/half-human endeavour that in the future we’ll be able to put the whole planet’s safety in the hands of a bald Yorkshireman, a corset-wearing egomaniac and Simon Pegg – even if we’re facing off against a particularly angry Jehovah.

5: In The Mouth of Madness

John Carpenter obviously has a lot of issues surrounding mankind’s fate, variously seeing us destroyed by capitalist aliens, one–eyed bank robbers and the ‘Anti-God’ (looking remarkably like Alice Cooper. But In the Mouth makes a mark here and fills out our list’s Cthulu quotient. Yep – there’s a lot of guff about a Stephen King style novelist and insurance fraud, but what raises it above all that is the genuine unease you’ll feel as you realise that not only is reality re-writable and madness infectious, but that there’s a real chance a tentacled monstrosity may turn up from a dungeon dimension at any point. Sam Neal faces off against a schlocky horror writer in fine, gibbering form – and he’s in more peril than he ever was with the Dinosaurs.

6: Ghostbusters

Ghostbusters is rightly remembered as a family comedy with scares, but what tends to be forgotten is that it’s also the movie where a Sumerian god with a habit of ‘roasting people in the depths of the Torg’ very nearly subjugates the human race and destroys the planet. Gozer may be a prehistoric bitch, but the threat she represents is palpable – just look at the expression on that dog’s face outside the subway – and the screaming crowds and religious officials keep an otherwise very funny apocalypse grounded just the right side of reality. Funny us going out like that – killed by a hundred-foot marshmallow man.

7: Unforgiven

Whaaa? A western? But it isn’t apocalyptic! Well, not in the obvious sense, but Unforgiven is the token film-school choice here, making the grade on symbolism and subtext – something rare on a list full of atomic bombs and giant cannibal demons! Our first hints are down on Clint’s farm, where the pigs is a-dyin’ and the crops are non-existent. Compare this to neighbour Morgan Freeman, whose endeavours pay off as smoothly as his voice.
This is because Clint, despite being the hero, is pure, unadulterated Death. He’s the dark nature of man and the best thing is that we want him to kill everyone. When it turns out his sharp-shooting skills are out of whack, he responds by increasing his firepower and when he walks into the saloon to face off with Sheriff Gene Hackman, he tries to talk everyone down, but the message is clear. Ultimately good loses, and death prevails. A beautiful, haunting ode to mankind’s appetite for self-destruction.

8: The Bed-Sitting Room

Probably the weirdest movie of the lot and hardly surprising given the scripting by fellow Goons Spike Mililgan and Harry Secombe. But rather than surreal whimsy, here we get laughs as black as pitch as a crumbling Britain tries to Keep Calm and Carry On in the wake of a nuclear attack. Dad’s Army mainstay Arthur Lowe is the patriarch keeping his family alive on a diet of chocolate bars (giving his daughter a permanently pregnant look) in a barely-working tube carriage, reading out of date newspapers and listening to recorded emergency broadcasts. The whole thing works as social satire, viciously critiquing 1950s Britain’s crumbling infrastructure and outmoded adherence to imperial values. And it’s bitingly funny and disturbing too. Hunt down the new Blu-Ray release and see the end in glorious Technicolor.

9: Planet of the Apes

Chuck Heston making his first appearance as the last human (following it up in The Omega Man), spending two hours growing a beard, shouting at Orangutangs and getting it on with a deaf mute, only to find he’s been wandering aimlessly round Manhattan island. The award-winning make-up doesn’t quite stand up today, but its shortcomings are forgiveable, with some nuanced and unique performances. You really believed monkeys could have meetings…

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